Author's notes: This is a Neil/Andrea songfic, although Andrea doesn't exactly appear as such. It's set the day Andrea died, after Neil found out. And in between the song lyrics (Italics) is what might have been his thoughts.
The song I just happened to stumble across and somehow the song itself and the lyrics just seemed to fit. And I ended up writing this.
The song is About last night by Kristian Leontiou. Is was the bonus track to another of his songs.
If you like it please review and let me know. This is my first attempt at a songfic. Like I said I just somehow found myself writing it.
Disclaimer: I don't own the song or any of the characters mentioned. The charaters belong to Talback Thames Televison, The Bill.
About last night
About last night
We were lost in the stars.
We were thinking too slowly
We were talking too fast
Was it only last night that you were safe in my arms. Safe in a world of our own, at least that's what I thought. I never knew. I never would have guessed that it'd be the last time I held you. The last time I kissed you. The last time I loved you.
And after it all
And everything I recall
Nothing really matters at all
The saddest thing about it. About last night. Is that it was the first time I told you, how deep my feelings for you were. The first, the only, the last time, I'd ever say those three little words to you.
About last night
Can we both feel the stars?
They shout it's too easy
And the listening too hard
I've said those three words before. But never have they meant as much or been truer when I whispered them to you. I've told Phillipa I love her. I've said the same words to Jake, my son. But that's a different sort of love, a fatherly, expected, unconditional love.
And after it all
And everything I recall
Nothing really matters at all
I tell Phillipa I love her. But she's my wife. It's just something you seem to say. Three words that roll off your lips. The feelings, the love, the adoration, the warmth of when I said them to you, they're never there. When I say them to Pippa they're just three little words with no emotion to bind them.
I'm living and I'm breathing in a world without you
I'm waking and I'm sleeping in a world without you
I'm trying to believe I'm in a world without you
I try and try and try and try and try and try and try
It was bad enough before when you weren't there. All we had was the odd borrowed night, a stolen kiss when no one was around to see. You were in my thoughts all the time, even when you weren't there, when you weren't with me. In my dreams, no one else around me seemed to matter. I just wanted to be with you all the time. Work seemingly to be the only other thing able to hold my attention. But that was only when you weren't there, weren't around me.
So now it's today
And it all seems so far
I'd like to say sorry
To you whether you are
Finding out you were a journalist, the leak at Sunhill, hurt me so much. Everything had started to go to plan; we were going to be together. That I wanted more than anything. But then I discovered the truth. It was like I never knew you, I felt used. I thought I had imagined you feeling the same way about me, as I did you.
We made up though, last night. You said you'd resign, that there was a way you could leave without the truth about yourself coming out. You said they'd print a different story. They didn't. I thought you had lied, yet again. I thought, I thought… a lot of things, I now know I was wrong.
I should have believed you. Trusted you. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have shouted at you, said those bitter words. I need you to know, if I could take them back I would. The angry words that shouldn't have been our last. So I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I hope you can hear me whether you are, whether you are now, whether we all go when it's the end.
And after it all
And everything I recall
Nothing really matters at all
That's all that matters to me now. That you know. Know I'm sorry. I was going to tell you face to face. I went to your flat. Smithy thought you'd already left the station. I was going to tell you it didn't matter, I still wanted you. Wanted to be with you. I wanted a second chance.
Would you have given me one?
I'll never know but something inside me says you would. And that's what I believe. You weren't at your flat though. I left a message on your answer phone. It made me smile to listen to your message on it. It was so typically you. The you I loved. Smithy told me you said to say sorry. And like I've now said I'm sorry too. Even sorrier though I never got to tell you. Before, before…it was too late.
I'm living and I'm breathing in a world without you
I'm waking and I'm sleeping in a world without you
I'm trying to believe I'm in a world without you
I try and try and try and try and try and try and try
And now it's just me. Because it was, it was too late. You're gone. I'll never see you again. I still can't believe it. Believe you're gone. We were going to be together. I loved you. I know I need to pull myself together. Move on. But it's too soon. Last night I told you I loved you. This wasn't meant to happen. You weren't meant to disappear. The first time I said those words to anyone, and truly meant them with all my heart. I'd never have known, guessed or thought that the next day I lose you.
I'm living and I'm breathing in a world without you
I'm waking and I'm sleeping in a world without you
I'm trying to believe I'm in a world without you
I try and try and try and try and try and try and try
I can't think of doing anything. I'll probably just work. Work and work. I can't bear to sleep and wake up knowing you won't be there. Knowing your not in my world anymore. I seem to have nothing. Nothing I want anyway. A crumbling marriage that I'm not happy with. And haven't been for a long time. Being with you seemed to have highlighted this. Highlighted the things missing in my marriage, my life. Things that I want, that I need. There's Jake, he's the only thing that matters to me now. But I can't face him at the moment because right now, all I want is you, you back in arms but I know I need to try. And that's all I can do. Try to go on. I would give it all up for you. Yes, I would. I don't care what they say about you. Okay you lied, but I saw the real you, the real Andrea and that's the Andrea I'll remember. The one I fell in love with. Still love. Will always love. That's all that's left to say now. I'm sorry about today but I wouldn't change last night for anything. It's about last night, why I need to tell you this.
I love you.