Disclaimer: Please don't sue me!

Have You Ever Had Dolphins Poured On You?

Chapter One

Dear Diary,

There are many things I don't understand. Many things I ponder and ponder until I am blue in the face and I still cannot possibly get my head around.

One of these things is James Potter. I'm sorry, but he just needs help. I've sent many an owl to St. Mungo's asking them to please take him away, but no go. They seem to think I'm joking or something.

Which I am not.

Another thing that confuses me very much is my lovely sister, Petunia. What is the matter with her? Every time an owl flies by her window she has to intercept it. I don't know how. Of course, all she would have to do is look at an owl and it would go toppling out of the sky…

She always intercepts my owls because she delights in torturing me. Constantly.

Why won't she mind her own business?

"Lily!"

Petunia Evans crashed through her younger sister's bedroom door and brandished an envelope in front of her face. "Look, Bozo! A letter for you!"

"Really?" Her sister replied sarcastically. "It looks like a bit of cantaloupe to me…"

Petunia ignored this and said, "It may be from the government, Lily. They may want you to report to Area 51 immediately."

"I'm sure it isn't…"

"Or maybe the zoo has written. They may need someone to attract more tourists."

"How could-"

"I know who it is! It's the circus!" Petunia cried. And she shoved a red clown nose on her sister's conk.

"Petunia, will you just shut up and give me my bloody letter?" Lily asked angrily.

Too late. Petunia had already opened the envelope. She was scanning the parchment with a look of disbelief on her face.

"What is this rubbish?" she asked.

Lily snatched the letter from her and read it.

'Dear Evans,

I'm sorry chicklet, but it has to stop. Your mad desire for me is made very clear and is demonstrated shamelessly. You're such an intelligent girl, and it breaks my heart (well, not really) to see you so madly and obsessively driven by my charm.

Believe me, five years of unrequited fantasies, and shameless come-ons, is proof enough that you, like the rest of the female population (But I don't mean to brag…Well, yes, I do) are madly in love with me.

So yes, Evans, despite your lack of cool, I will grace you with the privilege of dating yours truly.

Love,

James Potter

P.S. You look quite fetching in your reading glasses, baby.

Lily sighed and tossed the letter in the dust bin. "Don't worry about it, Petunia, that was a fool writing to me."

Petunia said, "He sounded like quite a freak…When is your date with him?"

Lily had to throw her shoe at her to get her to leave.

A few days later an owl flew through the kitchen window and dropped in the school booklist from Hogwarts. (But not before it landed a bomb of poo in Petunia's blonde hair. Which caused her to run around and scream like a lunatic.)

A week before term started, Mr. and Mrs. Evans let Lily take the bus to The Leaky Cauldron to get to Diagon Alley. She met her friend Alice Helms there and together they went to get their things.

Despite the fact that Lily had gotten down on her knees the night before and prayed that she wouldn't see James Potter, he found her anyway.

Lily and Alice were getting fitted for new school robes when Potter burst through the door and swaggered over to them. He put his arm around Lily's shoulder and wiggled his eyebrows.

"Clear off, Potter," Lily growled.

Madam Malkin, who was fitting Lily, actually giggled. (This was disgusting! Malkin was at least ten years older than Potter!) "Don't worry Jamesy, you can stay. You're always welcome and you never get in my way," She said as she reached under his leg to pink Lily's hem.

James winked at her and spoke to Lily. "So Evans, now that we're dating, we should-"

"Potter, let me make this clear to you. We are not dating. We never will date. And if you don't get your hand off my arm this instant, I'm going to have to kill you."

Alice poked her round face around Lily's shoulder. "James, will you tell Sirius that I-"

Lily interrupted her. She shrugged Potter's arm off her shoulder as Potter messed up his hair. (Very annoying) "Potter, please go away. You've been here for two minutes and already I feel like hanging myself."

"But of course, you would only hang yourself when I tell you I'm going to Flourish and Blotts in a moment. Leaving you Jamesless for at least ten minutes." James answered. He reached for Lily's head, most likely to try and stroke her hair, but Lily had had enough. She thought, "Ha! Here he comes! Little does he know, I've been trained in self defense!"

As Potter reached for Lily's dark red head, she seized his arm and twisted it around his back. Potter screamed and his face turned green with pain. "Uncle!" he squeaked. "Uncle!"

Lily let go, and James leaped back. He looked at Lily with fear and respect in his hazel eyes…for about three seconds. "Ooooooh, Evans. I didn't know you were so eager to touch me."

Lily shrieked with rage and leaped out of her stool. James seemed to sense danger. (Probably because Alice screamed "Run, James! She's dangerous!") He ran out of Madam Malkin's shop as fast as his legs could carry him.

Lily chased after him, spitting like a wildcat. Not realizing that Madam Malkin was still pinned to her robes. So, unfortunately, as Lily ran out of the shop, Malkin went with her.