A/N: Thank you everyone who reviewed! The next couple of updates are going to take a bit longer to come out – I have two papers due next week, so I have to concentrate on them for a while. But I will get the chapters out as soon as I can!
Chapter 12: Conversations
Severus waited impatiently in the Headmaster's office, pacing quickly in front of the fire, wearing a track in the rug. His robe swished loudly in the silence, with only the slight popping and hissing of the fire to accompany it. The weak morning sunlight filtered through the windows and Severus snarled at it too – he was angry. He was more than angry. He wanted to strangle Dumbledore and Pomfrey with his own bare hands. He'd sat up for most of the night, after he and Lucius had left the Hospital Ward – turning the events of the night over and over in his head. Lucius had finally given up on him and went to bed. But Severus had stayed up, feeling something was not right – that there was a piece of information that he was missing. He had finally found it while flipping through the large folder that contained his copy of the reports on the Vision Potion. It was all right there, under a section labeled 'Effects'. A noise at the door made him turn sharply, his eyes lighting on the tired visages of Poppy and Albus as they entered the room. Good, he snarled mentally. I have more than a few words to say to you two.
"Severus," Albus said tiredly, moving around his desk to sit gratefully in his chair. Poppy moved to the fireplace, taking a seat on the couch near the crackling fire gratefully. Both of them looked as though they hadn't slept a wink, which made the Potions Master gleefully happy. Severus straightened his back, eyes flashing dangerously, keeping his attention on the Headmaster. He narrowed his eyes at the older man and launched into his attack. Oh this is going to feel good.
"Just what in the bloody hell did you think you were doing?" he began, hands digging into his robes at his side. "Did you not read the reports I gave you? Specifically the section labeled 'Effects'?? Of the ten-recorded cases we have of the use of the Vision Potion, five of them died! Died, Albus! Dead! And three others went mad! And you gave the bloody potion to Potter? Potter!? The boy has faced down Voldemort four times, nearly dying every time and is now being subjugated to the hypocrisy and bigotry of the wizarding world – and you fed him a potion that could have snapped his mind? Are you mad? I know you need information Albus, but more importantly you need that boy sane. He is necessary in defeating Voldemort – you know that; hell, I know that, and I don't particularly like the irritating brat! He's a boy, Albus – a boy that's been forced to become a man far too soon! Has he ever had a childhood? Has he ever had a moment of peace? How could you take that from him Albus? Better had he been the spoiled brat I first thought he was than the self-sacrificing martyr I witnessed last night! Would you care to explain to me, precisely and in detail, just what the hell is going through your mind?" Severus roared, his temper snapping as he recalled the haunted look in Harry's eyes. Good God, I'm starting to call him Harry now, he thought with mild disgust at himself. Albus merely watched him sadly throughout his outburst, hands folded calmly in his lap. He regarded the irate Potions Master for a long moment, gathering his words carefully.
"Severus, I know it seems as though I have done the boy a great disservice. And in many ways I have. But in the larger picture, it is sacrifices like his, like yours," the Headmaster looked at the man across from him pointedly, "that will turn the tide in this war. Voldemort's evil must be stopped – and unfortunately there will be consequences to every decision that is made in regards to it. No, Harry has never truly had a childhood – in truth, he has never truly been a child – his relatives saw to that. But he does not have the luxury of childhood – or prolonged innocence, I'm afraid." The Headmaster's eyes looked shadowed, but he pushed on before Severus could interrupt. "He understands the reasoning behind this, though, and instead of bemoaning his fate, the boy has chosen to help directly with the cause – because he knows what could happen if he didn't. The choice to take the Vision Potion was ultimately his, Severus. I did not force it on him." Albus stated calmly, reasonably, keeping eye contact with the other man. Poppy shifted uneasily on the couch, looking back and forth between the two men. She winced when Severus sneered at the older man, hands curling tightly in his robes.
"A choice you put little resistance to, I'm sure. You have actively encouraged the boy to get himself into trouble every since he first came here! Albus – the boy will hate the wizarding world before long if this keeps up. How could he not?" Severus snarled back at the man, standing rigid at the edge of the desk, his hands now completely clenched in his robes. It was a nervous habit he had thought he'd broken himself of long ago – but he couldn't do anything about it at the moment. Albus sighed tiredly, his façade dropping and letting Severus see the tired old man behind the image of the all-knowing wizard.
"I know, Severus. I know." Whatever the Potions Master was expecting, it wasn't the tired, sorrowful acknowledgement that came out of the Headmaster's mouth. Severus felt the ire go out of him in a rush, and he sat heavily in the chair across from the old wizard, the tension leaking out of his body. Dammit all, I hate it when he does this, Severus thought as guilt started to invade his mind. Severus owed the Headmaster his life – and the younger wizard could never forget that debt. One more debt to be paid, he thought tiredly, damn you James. And you too Albus. He slumped in the chair, letting go of his anger completely. On the couch, Poppy let out a relieved breath – for a second she had thought Severus was going to hex the Headmaster. An idea then occurred to her.
"What the boy needs is someone to make sure he doesn't take things too seriously. Perhaps his friends -," Poppy ventured. Potter's friends have always been a pain to get out of the Main Ward before. Surely now – Severus cut her off with a snort, flicking a glance at her from over his shoulder.
"His friends have abandoned him," Severus said, disgust clear in his tone. Poppy gaped at him, eyes going wide.
"They –what?" she gasped. Severus turned around completely and looked at her irritably. She flushed and looked away from the inky dark gaze.
"Where have you been, woman? The entirety of Gryffindor has turned its back on the boy – along with the majority of the school. The only ones who don't hate him out right, that I know of, are the students in my House – and the chances of Potter ever being comfortable with them is slim to none." Severus finished tiredly, turning back in time to see a slight change come over the Headmaster's face. The older wizard looked at Severus, a hint of his old twinkle coming back into his eye. It immediately put the Potions Master on guard.
"That, Severus, is where I think you're wrong," Albus said softly, leaning back in his chair, pursing his lips slightly. Severus frowned, looking Dumbledore in confusion, tension creeping back into his body. He now eyed the Headmaster warily. The older wizard was always at his canniest when he got that look in his eyes.
"Whatever do you mean, Albus?" Severus asked silkily. The Headmaster's gaze cleared and he shook his head quickly, smiling faintly at the younger wizard.
"Oh, never mind an old man's ramblings. It's nothing, I'm sure," the older wizard said, his mask slipping back into place. He regarded Severus over his half-moon glasses for a moment. "Severus, everything will work out. You'll see," he said soothingly, a small smile on his lips. It set the Potions Master's teeth on edge. He shifted on his chair, sending a mild glare in the Headmaster's direction. The old man's mutterings had sent off alarms in Severus's head – his curiosity was now completely roused.
"Albus -," he began, drawing a deep breath to interrogate the older man. A raised hand from the Headmaster cut him off and the Potions Master blew out a frustrated sigh. It only seemed to amuse the Headmaster even more.
"Severus. I know you're upset. And I know you want to keep the boy from taking anymore of the potion. But I can't guarantee anything." Albus lost a bit of his amusement and stared at Severus gravely. "Right now Harry has given us more than enough information to figure out how to stall Voldemort for now. In the future – who knows what may happen. But as for now – he will not have to take it." Severus grimaced at the Headmaster's optimism. The man really hadn't paid too much attention to the 'Effects' section of the report.
"That doesn't solve the problems that are going to stem from this episode. The potion lingers, Albus. Didn't you read that part of the report? That's why the potion isn't used very often." Severus licked his lips and now leaned forward in this chair. "The potion stores itself in a person's spinal fluids, to be let out slowly over time – you think that nightmare was bad, he'll be having them for months – and I'm not even sure if it will just be nightmares. From the reports, he could go into full blown visions every time he goes to sleep – or hell, every time he closes his eyes for that matter." The Headmaster paled and closed his eyes sadly, a deep sigh shaking his frame.
"We all do what we must," he murmured quietly, still not opening his eyes. Severus's face twisted with renewed anger.
"Yes, we do. But what happens when the boy claws out his own eyes one night? You can't keep him in the Hospital Wing forever, and taking him out of Gryffindor Tower now would cause an uproar and a renewed bout of rumor and speculation about the boy. What's your answer to that?" Severus spat, eyes crackling with black fire. The Headmaster sighed and leaned back in his chair, folding his hands in front of his face, still keeping his eyes closed. He offered no immediate answer.
"There's a spell I routinely use on my patients. We could cast it in the boy's chambers so that it will alert me to his state, that way if he needs help I will know," Poppy ventured hesitantly, reluctant to get between the two men. Albus's eyes opened, eyeing the medi-witch speculatively.
"Yes, that could work. I can set up a fireplace in his room so that you can floo there directly instead of storming through the dorm. Yes," the Headmaster mused, eyes narrowing, thinking swiftly. "That will work perfectly, Poppy. Is there a way to also allow myself to hear the alarm?" he asked eagerly.
"As well as myself," Severus added firmly, causing both of the other wizards to look at him oddly. Severus just glared at them in response. Poppy licked her lips thoughtfully and nodded.
"Yes. It shouldn't be a problem," she said. Severus smiled grimly. He would be damned if he was leaving Potter alone in the hands of these two again. The boy could protest all he wanted – it wouldn't make a difference. Severus was bound and determined to make sure the boy wasn't over working himself – or taking anymore suicidal chances. And that just sounds wrong, he muttered mentally. I must be going soft.
"Very well. I will set that up this afternoon while the students are still out at Hogsmead. Poppy, I'll inform you when it's done so you can cast the charm." The medi-witch nodded quickly. "Anything else, Severus?" the Headmaster asked. The Potions Master started at the old man for a moment and then shook his head, swiftly coming to his feet.
"No, Albus. That's all – for now," he said warningly and made his way out of the office. He headed for the Hospital Wing – he intended to have a long conversation with Potter himself.
_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_
Harry woke up slowly, his body aching in various places, and with a headache that just wouldn't quit. He moaned and pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes, causing spots of light to bloom behind his eyelids. It felt as though someone was pounding on his skull with sledgehammers.
"Drink this," a voice said – the sound causing pain to spike in Harry's head, making him flinch slightly. When he didn't remove his hands, the person pried his arms away from his head, slipped a vial into his grip, and then guided the vial to his mouth. "Drink. The. Potion," the very familiar voice ground out. Harry held back a panicked whimper, causing even more pain to blossom in his head. He had been hoping that last night had been a very bizarre dream. Looks like I was wrong, he thought faintly. Harry gave a resigned sigh, and gulped down the surprisingly pleasant potion. Almost immediately his headache dimmed and after a few more moments Harry managed to open his eyes. He felt his glasses slipped onto his face and he blinked a few times in order to clear his eyes. Then he blinked again at the sight in front of him. Severus Snape sat next to his bed, a calm expression on his face, with a book open in his lap. Harry stared at his potions Professor warily – he didn't know what to make of the man sitting calmly at his bedside, and he for sure didn't want to piss the man off. They regarded each other for a long moment in silence. What does he want? Harry wondered finally, shifting slightly on the bed, eyes flicking around the sterile room. They were alone. Harry returned his gaze to the Potions Master, unease prickling along his skin.
"Sir?" he ventured, breaking the silence. Snape blinked.
"Potter. How do you feel?" the man asked in a businesslike tone, his expressionless mask hiding any trace of personal interest. Harry took stock of himself quickly.
"My headache is gone, thank you. I'm fine," the boy assured him, wondering again why the man was there.
"No aches or pains? No nausea or dizziness?" Snape asked carefully, shifting forward slightly in his chair, his dark eyes cataloging Harry carefully. Ah, he wants to know about the effects of the potion, Harry thought with relief. For a second I almost thought he was – concerned, he mused, pushing the small stab of bitterness away. Of course the man wouldn't be concerned about him. Snape hated him.
"No, sir. Not at all," Harry answered truthfully. The Professor pressed his lips together and regarded him again, now leaning back in his chair. Harry hid a shiver at the dark gaze that was still boring into him; he had a feeling he wasn't going to like what was coming next.
"Mr. Potter, would you care to explain to me what possessed you to take the Vision Potion? And just why, exactly, you felt as though you needed to put yourself at such a risk?" the man stated calmly, but the banked fire in his eyes betrayed his anger. Harry eyed the man warily, his unease soaring. He looked away from the older wizard sitting near him, focusing his eyes on the far wall.
"I – I -," he stuttered. "I had to do something," he finally said after a moment. "Voldemort was up to something, and well, right now the wizarding world isn't particularly happy with me – so I had to try something, but in a way that no one knew about. That way no one could flip out. I just couldn't sit here in safety while everyone else risked their necks," Harry finally spat out a bit bitterly, keeping his eyes firmly on the far wall. He missed the narrowing of Severus's eyes.
"Mr. Potter, you are only fifteen. The people risking their necks, as you put it, are full grown adults, people who know what they are doing – and what the consequences will more than likely be if they are caught. There is no reason for you to place yourself in such danger," Severus pointed out, causing Harry to look at him again. The boy looked at the older man in confusion.
"But why have them risk their lives when I can do this instead?" he finally said helplessly, shrugging slightly, green eyes pained. "If I don't – then a lot of people stand to be killed. I already have three deaths on my hands – I don't want anyone else to die," Harry said softly, unknowingly echoing Severus's own words, voice faltering as his gaze dipped to the other man's shoulder. The echo of his own sentiments sent a spasm of pain through the older man, and he looked at the boy in a new light. His voice sounded so lost, so sad – so sick of whatever he saw at night. Severus knew what it was to be haunted by one's dreams.
Harry had finally seemed to realize just what he had admitted, and had clapped a hand over his mouth. He seemed horrified that he had made the slip and watched the man warily, eyes wide. A glance up at the other man's face showed that instead of sneering at him, as Harry had fully expected Snape to do, the older man looked sad instead – something which made Harry feel even weirder.
"Mr. Potter, though I understand your need to help – you must understand that you are young yet. And the people who are out there, helping the Order, fighting Voldemort, are adults. They know that they may lose their lives in the fight – but it is a chance that they are willing to take," Severus said quietly, eyes strangely soft as he looked at the boy. Harry closed his eyes tightly at the gaze. No, Harry, don't fool yourself. The man doesn't care. Don't set yourself up for a fall you can't handle right now, a voice whispered in his head.
"Cedric didn't make that choice," Harry spat in response, opening his eyes after a moment of silence.
"Do you believe that you are responsible for the Diggory boy's death?" the Potions Master voice was – strange. Harry just stared at the older man, not trusting his own voice. He finally shrugged faintly. "You do, don't you?" The older man's voice was curiously soft. Severus shifted in his chair and tilted his head, studying the boy in front of him. Harry dropped his eyes to the sheet covering him, unable to meet the penetrating stare. "Harry," Severus finally said, the shock of his first name jerking the boy's gaze back up to the older man's face. "You are not responsible for that boy's death," the man said clearly, leaning forward now, capturing Harry's gaze completely, not letting him look away. "You could not have stopped it. It is not your fault," Severus said fiercely, his black eyes not letting Harry look away. Harry felt a lump lodge itself in his throat and felt tears burn in the back of his eyes. That this man, this greasy, nasty, mean potions professor was one of the few people that seemed not to blame him – that did not judge him for letting Cedric die – floored him. Snape was the last person in the world that Harry had ever expected to believe him – and to understand. Harry's vision swam and he broke the gaze, viciously scrubbing at his eyes, mortified that he'd been all but crying in front of his teacher. This is when reality kicks in, isn't it? This is where Snape starts to laugh at me and call me weak, right? Harry could feel his shoulders hunch and he scowled at the bedspread, waiting for the verbal attack to come.
"You don't know that," Harry snapped, trying to push the man away before he could rip his soul apart. He heard Snape sigh, then a sound of a chair scraping along the floor. A hand was suddenly gripping his shoulder.
"Potter. Look at me," the man ordered, without the usual sting to his words, shaking him gently. Reluctantly Harry raised his head, still keeping his eyes slightly averted. "You are only fifteen years old. You were fourteen when the Hufflepuff boy died. Fourteen, Potter. Fourteen," the man stressed his age. "You cannot know everything. And yet, you dueled Voldemort – and you survived," Severus punctuated each word with a small shake to the thin frame in his grip. "There are aurors who could not do that. They are too weak – too scared to face the Dark Lord. And yet Potter, you have faced Him four times and lived to tell the tale every time." Harry finally looked at the Potions Master.
"I had help," Harry protested weakly, trying very hard not to tremble – or cry again. He was so tired of crying.
"But you still held your own. Potter, you have gone through things no adult could ever imagine – and yet you seem to think nothing of it. Stop blaming yourself for something you could do nothing about." The man's hand tightened minutely on Harry's shoulder. Harry just stared into the other man's eyes, one tear finally spilling over his eyelid. Harry brushed it away quickly, looking down at the sheet in front of him and nodded hesitantly, not trusting his voice. Snape let go of his shoulder and leaned back in his chair. "Now, the main reason I'm here. I need to inform you about some of the consequences of taking the Vision Potion," Snape said briskly, watching Harry closely as the boy pulled himself together. Harry glanced at the man, eyes wide.
"What consequences?" Harry asked, nervousness now entering his voice. "The Headmaster didn't mention any lingering consequences," Harry said, eyes now narrowing, happy they were moving on to other topics, no matter how grim.
"The potion will remain in you system – anywhere from one to three months, thus causing the probability of recurring nightmares and visions like the one you suffered last night. Madam Pomfrey will be running tests on you at least three times a week, if not more, in order for us to track the amount of residue still in your system. You cannot take another potion before the toxins of the previous episode are gone – should you do so, you can cause permanent damage to yourself." Harry blanched, but kept his eyes on Snape.
"What kind of permanent damage?" he asked, gulping. Severus eyed him speculatively, his gaze hardening.
"It may vary. You could be driven mad, die, or be permanently crippled. Another possibility is constant prophetic dreams. We're still not sure," the Potions Master said severely, trying to ram the severity of the situation home to the younger man. "And we will not find out," he snapped, seeing Harry's speculative look. Harry looked down guiltily, caught.
"But -," he began.
"No buts, Mr. Potter. The last thing you need is to be tempting fate – and your sanity," Severus said firmly, crossing his arms over his chest. Harry eyed his professor, trying to resolve the image he'd had built up around the older man and image that was being presented to him here and now. He didn't trust the man – not really. But a large part of him at least wanted to. A part of him whispered that the man would understand, that he would no longer brush him off as a spoiled brat. But a larger part of Harry still held back, wary of trusting him, afraid he would turn out like nearly all the rest of the wizarding world – no matter how he was presently acting. A small silence came down over them then, so it caused both of them to jump when Harry's stomach made its demands known. Harry flushed with embarrassment, tucking his head down so he wouldn't have to see the professor's amusement. A knock on the door heralded Madam Pomfrey, and she sailed into the room, holding a large tray piled with food.
"Ah, Mr. Potter. You're up. Lovely. The Headmaster and I thought you would be hungry," she bustled around the room, setting the tray on Harry's lap, helping him to sit up properly – much to Harry's mortification. He spared a glance at the other man, and sighed when Snape's highly amused eyes met his. Looks like he'll be of no help, Harry thought disgustedly. He was hungry though, and with gusto he tucked into his meal, all the while ignoring the medi-witch running her wand down his form. Thanks to Severus, he now had a suspicion that he knew what she was checking for, and he had no problems that she did it while he was eating. The quicker she gets those scans done, the quicker I can get out of this bloody awful room, Harry thought happily. He made it about half way through the meal before he was full. He still pushed the food around on his plate though, hoping that it would look as though he had consumed more than he actually had.
"I'm full. Can I go now?" he asked after a few minutes. He glanced up at Madam Pomfrey, who was looking at his half eaten meal with a frown on her face. "I really can't eat any more. Please?" He turned his large, hopeful eyes in her direction, and heard Snape snort disgustedly. But she folded, nodding after a moment.
"Alright. You can go. But I expect you to eat more tonight, understood?" she admonished. Harry nodded quickly. "Good. Also, you need to come back tomorrow for a check up. The Headmaster has installed a floo system into your room, incase there is a repeat of last night. Now, hold still," she said sternly, before casting a spell over him. Harry was enveloped in a cocoon of blue light for a moment, before it disappeared with a small pop. He stared at her, scandalized. "Now, don't worry. That was just a spell that will tell me if you need assistance during the night. It will inform myself, the Headmaster and Professor Snape if there are any difficulties." She waited for his reluctant nod and continued. "Now, will there be a problem with your roommate?" Harry shook his head quickly, looking down at the coverlet. Well, there would if I had a roommate, he thought sadly. But since I don't, there wont be a problem. He hoped they wouldn't ask who he was paired with. But of course they did.
"I do hope Mr. Weasley will be able to control himself should we suddenly appear in your room, Mr. Potter," Snape's silky voice made Harry cringe. Damn, he thought.
"Uh, actually, Ron moved out to room with Neville. No one wanted to room with me this year," Harry said softly, still not meeting their eyes. He took a breath and tried to smile. "Just as well. At least I have a room to myself then," he joked weakly, glancing up at the adults. He mentally sighed at the pitying expression on Poppy's face, and was mildly relieved when Snape was merely expressionless. He hated pity. Lord, how he hated pity.
"Well, that is most beneficial then," Severus said after a moment of silence. He got up slowly, keeping his eyes on Harry. "I expect to speak to you tomorrow, Mr. Potter, after Madam Pomfrey has run her tests. Understood?" Harry looked up at the older man in surprise, but nodded. "Good," the Potions Master snapped and left the room. Harry let out a breath – the man was such a confusion of layers. I can't believe he was nice to me, he thought as Poppy bustled around the room, getting him his clothes. She left him alone to change, and Harry threw everything on quickly, afraid the tenacious nurse would change her mind. He slipped out of the door, nodded to her once, and fled for the dorms. With luck no one will be there, he thought hopefully. He quickened his pace, not looking behind him.
End Chapter 12
Review Responses:
Minerva-Severus-Dumbledor: Thank you!!
RaNdOm Hp FaN: Thank you for the lovely review!
Cat: Thank you! More soon to come =)
BlackDragon: =) thank you!!!
Athenakitty: I didn't pick the name of the book – the muses did and it's all their fault. /sigh. Blaise is a guy in this fic =). Bill's going to get the run down from Ginny and get pissed. Narcissa has her own fortune, so Lucius doesn't pay her one cent – as though he would anyhow. I am going to embarrass little Ronnikins as many times as I can =) Thanks again for another wonderful review!
Zeynel: It's going to take a while for Snape and Harry to bond – but they'll get there eventually, with as much gentle humor as I interject. Thanks for another lovely review!
Shinigami: No, I've never particularly liked the Weasleys – dunno why. Some more teachers will start to see the light – but not for a while =) Thank you for another wonderful review!
Jammies2000: No problem! Good luck!
Kristine Thorne: thank you for the offer =)
Usagi Serenity Yui Cosmos: LOL. More Lucius on the way =)
Arianrhod: thank you for the lovely review!
Ysabell: More Lucius insights on their way =)
BloodIce: Thank you !
MOI: The Cwn Annwn are snow white with blood red ears =)
Renee Fay: thank you for the review!
Lady FoxFire: You're on the right track =)
S. Wing: Thank you!
AngelofShadows: LOL. As to the Cwn Annwn – well they are a part of the Great Hunt …
Redredredred: Thank you! More H/D interaction on the way =)
Shaelyn: Thank you for the review!
I_miei: Thank you for the lovely review! That aspect of the plot is more a comment on human nature – and society's need to find and blame the scape goat; plus also being a reflection of some of my own experiences. Sorry about your rather conservative teachers – get to the Uni and you'll find professors telling you to read the book and write your midterm and final papers on it =) Thanks again!
SilverDragon: Harry and Draco will start moving in that direction soon =)
SparkySparkles: Thank you!
LovelySerenity: Thank you!
NayNymic: Sorry about the little romance – they'll start getting to know each other better. Now, that doesn't mean they'll be jumping into anything right away – but eventually there will be. Thanks for the review!
Kamatazi Yumi: !! Thank you =)
Chibi Zen-chan: LOL!!! Oohh, you just gave me an idea!!! Muwhahaha…
Relle: here ya go!
Belle: =/ thank you for the lovely review! Sorry I made you cry, though…
Ryleeblack: Sirius will definitely play a larger role later on in the story! Thank you for the review!
Silvrei: Seamus will return soon =) Thank you for the review!