Chapter II

Crickhollow, 1420 SR

"Wake up! Merry, wake up! Now!"

Pippin was shaking him, a frightened tone in his voice. Dawn was near, and some dim light filtered into the room. Merry managed to focus on his cousin's face, after gazing around the room with a lost, wide-eyed look.

"You were having a bad dream. A very bad one, from what I heard from my room".

"I am sorry I woke you up. I am so sorry", said Merry, still breathing fast.

"Don't be silly, you old ass. I am going to make some chamomile tea, and then we can talk about it".

"Pippin, I don't need any chamomile tea. And I don't want to talk about anything. It was just a bad dream, we all have bad dreams, and anyway I have already forgotten all about it"

"Now you don't understand. I'm going to make that tea for me as well. You scared me" Pippin's voice shook a bit, adding: "You terrified me. You were shouting my name". Merry's eyes widened, as shreds of the nightmare flashed in his memory, hitting him suddenly and making him jump slightly.

It was that dream again, still haunting him. He was having the same nightmare too often lately. Maybe not exactly the same, but the feelings and sensations that trailed after them, even later during the day, were always the same. He had done a terrible mistake, badly disappointed someone…was it his father, was it King Théoden? Sometimes it seemed to be even Lord Elrond. But this time it was Pippin. Pippin, surrounded by orcs and uruk-hai, was shouting at him. In the dream, Merry felt himself to be like a distant observer to the scene, while an angrier rather than frightened Pippin was yelling at him, saying that his situation was all Merry's fault, that he had gone against everyone's advice…then Gandalf came, picked Pippin up and shook his white head at Merry, before riding away and leaving him alone.

Sighing, Merry got off the bed and went into the kitchen, where Pippin was stirring spoonfuls of honey into a large cup of steaming tea. He sat at the table, accepting the cup from Pippin, who smiled and proceeded to do the same with another cup for himself.

Time passed in silence, the two cousins sitting in front of each other and sipping their tea. Daylight was growing stronger, while morning birds started to softly sing. It was only when Pippin put his cup down and seemed ready to open his mouth that Merry spoke. "Alright, Pip, you know we've been discussing this already. You know I don't feel guilty anymore for the things that happened to you… to us…when…" he looked down at the cup in his hands for a second, and then he went on. "We have already settled that it was none of my responsibility, that you came along by your own accord" His eyes brightened, adding: "I know you are fully capable of making your choices and taking your own responsibility. You definitely proved it".

Pippin smiled, a smile full of tenderness and affection. For few moments more, he waited for his cousin to go on speaking again.

But as Merry seemed now lost into the observation of the dregs in the bottom of his cup, Pippin moved his hand across the table, put it over Merry's hand and gently squeezed it. "It's not only my name you call out at nights. It's not only me you feel guilty about." He paused, and sighed. "I know you, Merry: we've been friends and brothers since ever, and I've grown to know you even more during our journey. You, me, Frodo and Sam will never be the same again since we left. You may feel that folks here in the Shire will probably never truly know, truly understand. But we do, Merry, we do know and understand. We've been through all that together, remember?"

Still not looking up, Merry answered "When we started our journey, I knew we were going to face danger, fear, hardship and pain. But not such darkness! Sometimes it feels like that night in Bree, hundreds of years ago, when I first met the Black Riders...like sinking in deep waters…"

Pippin shook his head angrily "No! It is not possible! When Aragorn healed you in Minas Tirith, he said that your heart would not be darkened! He said it…"

"Oh, Pippin! One thing I am grateful for is that you didn't get to be exposed once more to that dreadfulness! You have experienced it at Weathertop, you know how it makes you feel"

Pippin cringed. Of course he remembered. And he also remembered that Merry had been exposed to it other two times, and the last had been almost a deadly one.

Almost guessing his cousin's thoughts, Merry started again "I don't remember much of the days after you found me on the way to the Citadel. It was as if I didn't exist anymore: not just my body, but my entire self. I was myself part of that darkness, a drop in those deep and dark waters. Worse than death itself. But voices were telling me that I wasn't even allowed to die, and that the nightmare was forever". Pippin's eyes were brimming with tears. "I didn't dissolve completely into that ocean of desperation because somehow I knew, I was certain, that the voices were lying, that Middle Earth still existed, that Frodo and Sam were still fighting, that you were alive…and then a fragrant smell overcame that stench, a little light appeared in the darkness, and Aragorn's voice calling my name sounded like music among those jarring, discordant voices. Poor Éowyn…she was already so sad and desperate before we rode to war. I wonder what she held on to, alone in the darkness…"

Among the tears, Pippin was going to say something, but Merry started again "And yet…Yet it was only their Breath we suffered. I cannot even imagine how Frodo managed to survive that evil blade so close to his heart, to go on with that cursed Thing whispering to his soul all the time..."

The thought of their cousin made both Merry and Pippin silent. Sam had told them how Frodo had been found sick earlier that year, and for the three of them it was clear that if hope of rebirth still existed for themselves, for the Shire and for all Middle Earth, very little of it seemed to be left for the one who brought this about.

TBC