Summary: Ha! Take that, doc!

Crossover: Bastard!!, Slayers

Disclaimer: I don't own Bastard!!, Slayers, or Buffy the Vampire Shagger. Although, if the respective owners want to swap for a couple of CDs that's fine.

Feedback: Yeah, baby!

* * *

Later in the Library, the team assembled for a final discussion to decide exactly how to handle the situation.

"I checked the obits," Willow reported. "Nothing that would make for a likely candidate."

"They seem kinda picky for guys who had three heads to begin with," Xander observed.

"Formaldehyde," Willow said simply.

"Formaldehyde," Giles repeated, searching his memory. "Yes, yes, yes, yes, of course, it accelerates neural decay in the brain cells."

"After a couple days they're useless," Willow continued. "They're gonna need something really fresh."

"We're talking alive half a second ago fresh?," Faith asked.

"As fresh as possible," Willow confirmed. "You don't think that they would..."

"I think anybody who cuts dead girls into little pieces does not get the benefit of any doubt," Buffy said, making her position clear. "I wanna end this thing now."

"I second that," Giles spoke up.

"Okay, fine. You guys go to Eric's, we can go to Chris', and meet up," Buffy commanded.

"Oh!," Giles exclaimed. "I'm supposed to be at the big game, I-I believe it's called."

"Woo, work it G-man," Faith smirked. "How're you planning on getting into her pants tonight?"

"Faith!," Giles sputtered.

"Fine," Buffy frowned. "Go ahead. We'll take care of this."

"Well, yes, but shouldn't I, I-I, um...," Giles began.

"Okay, then why don't, uh, we all meet there?," the Californian Slayer tried.

"Fine. Yes," Giles said.

"Buffy? Don't be too hard on Chris. I mean, he's not a vampire," Willow asked.

"No. He's just a ghoul," Buffy said coldly.

"If you don't turn up, you'd better have a good excuse," Faith sang out as the teenagers left. "Like getting into Miz C's panties!"

The librarian actually blushed at this.

"Faith, you wanna come with me?," Xander asked the girl. "Willow..."

The redhead looked very worried. "Uh, Xander, what if they decide they do want a fresh head? What if they decide they want /my/ head? What if--"

Xander silenced her with his index finger. "You'd better check that all the Cordettes are at the big game tonight."

"Why would anyone want one of their heads?," Faith asked.

"Simple," Xander said. "They're seen in school as desirable, beautiful."

"O-Okay," Willow said. "You don't think that Chris is after my head, though, do you?"

"Nope, you're too smart for him."

"Thanks!"

* * *

Xander knocked on the door to Chris's buddy Eric's house. A horse-faced woman answered the door.

"What can I do for you?," the woman asked.

"Hey," Xander said. "We're friends of Erics, we're just after him?"

"Sorry, he ain't here," the woman grunted.

"Bummer," Faith frowned. "Can we check his room? He borrowed a magazine from me, and I kinda need it back."

"Sure," the woman shrugged. "This way."

Faith's mouth dropped open when they got in his room. "My God... how many porno's does this--Eric have?"

"Impressive," Xander allowed. "As is his computer. Doesn't look like there's a copy of your Babylon 5 fan mag, though."

"Anything else," the woman laconically asked.

"Nah, we're good," Faith answered. "We'll try to catch him another time."

As the two began walking back to school, Faith smirked at Xander. "So, X, you get any... ideas... from those magazines?"

"I'm a teenage male," Xander groaned, "and I've got a totally hot Slayer talking to me about porno. What do you think?"

Faith's smirk grew at this. "Hey, you get that Evil Dead 2 tape?"

"Sure," Xander grinned. "I also got something called Neon Generic Evangeliser, or something, from Giles' buddy."

* * *

They found Giles sitting with Miss Calendar on the bleachers at the American football game. Willow arrived at the same time.

"No!," Giles laughed to Miss Calendar. "I just think it's rather odd that a nation that prides itself on its virility should feel compelled to strap on forty pounds of protective gear just in order to play rugby."

"Is this your normal strategy for a first date?," the computer teacher demanded. "Dissing my country's national pastime?"

"Did you just say 'date'?," Giles asked, confused.

"You noticed that, huh?," Miss C asked, her manner implying 'wow, nothing gets past you, eh?'

"Hi, Ms. Calendar! Hi, Giles," Willow said. "Hey Xan, Faith."

"Hi," Faith said, echoed a moment later by Xander.

"Hey, guys. What's up?," Jenny smiled.

"E-E-Eric was trying to abduct Cordelia!," Willow got out. "He had a bag over her head and everything!"

"Yeah?," Faith asked. "How'd you stop him?"

"Uh, Ikindahithimwithabaseballbat," Willow babbled.

"Coolness. Wicked bad moves, girl," Faith smiled.

"As for Eric's place, nothing but a bunch of computer equipment and a pornography collection so prodigious it even scared me," Xander reported.

"I still say we shoulda nicked some," Faith sulked.

"Did Buffy get back yet?," Willow asked.

"No, uh, no," Giles said, becoming distracted by Jenny. "Uh, perhaps you should, uh, circulate nearer the field, see what you can find."

The three slipped under the railing, joining the two teachers on the bleachers. Faith stole a double handful of Giles' popcorn, sharing it with Xander and Willow

"So, what's the score?," Xander asked.

They got in about half a minute of game, before Chris Epps ran panting, telling them that Buffy needed them real bad at his house.

* * *

Xander was panting, too, by the time they got to Chris's house. Willow was a few blocks behind, while Faith was still fresh as a daisy. Running to the basement, where all the noise was coming from, he blinked. The whole room seemed ablaze, with Buffy fighting with some zombie.

"Buffy!," Xander yelled. True, she wasn't his favourite flavour right now, but no one deserved to die!

"Get Cordelia!," Buffy snapped. Faith got.

Xander cupped his hands together as he approached the fighting pair, chanting an incantation that culminated in him clapping his hands on either side of the zombie Daryl. "NECRO VUUD!"

Daryl stopped moving, standing stock still, a corpse possessed by a ghost.

"Thanks Xander, but if you didn't notice, this place is on FIRE!," Buffy shouted.

"Get a fire extinguisher and put the fire out," Xander commanded the possessed zombie.

The zombie jerkily picked up a fire extinguisher lying around, systematically putting out the fire. Xander had to command it several times to put out fires on it's clothes. Faith and Buffy had to knock out Chris and Eric, as they tried to get Xander to stop the possession of the dead Daryl.

Finally, the fire was out. Xander put his hands on either side of the zombie's head, then paused.

"What's wrong, mojo boy?," Buffy demanded.

"There're two ghosts possessing this corpse," Xander said thoughtfully. "Daryl's ghost, and my ghost that I summoned."

"Can you stop with the Evil Dead bit?," Faith demanded with a shudder.

Xander recalled the black energy from the corpse, and it collapsed to the ground like a de-stringed puppet. He would have collapsed himself, were it not for Faith catching him.

"Did I miss anything?," Willow gasped as she staggered down the stairs, Angel right behind her. "We need a car."

* * *

"Why'd you collapse, X?," Faith asked. "From what you've told me, you're right into this stuff."

"It's new to me, this spell," Xander explained. One of his arms was around Faith's shoulders, and one of her arms was around him, holding him up. "Spells get easier as I repeat them. It's like drawing pictures."

"Oh, right," Faith said. "Hey, the Watcher's scoring!"

They didn't feel like interrupting Giles' romantic date with Jenny Calendar, so they quietly sat watching the rest of the game.

"Well, I guess that makes it official," Xander sighed. "Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me. You ever think that the world is a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped and we're the only ones who don't have a chair?"

"All the time," Willow agreed.

"You've just gotten one," Faith said, kissing Xander. "Or rather, I've got me a chair."

And so she used him for the rest of the game. Xander just sat there, a faint blush tinging his cheeks as he sat quietly, not daring to question his luck.

* * *

Post-fic Comments:

Hands up who saw that coming.