Summary: Yeoch! Mages are a pest to honest vampires!

Crossover: Bastard!!, Slayers

Disclaimer: I don't own Bastard!!, Slayers, or Buffy the Vampire Shagger. Although, if the respective owners want to swap for a couple of CDs that's fine.

Feedback: Yeah, baby!

Pre-fic Comments:

Four bags of Curiously Strong mints don't last very long. Two days, at the most.

Is that unhealth?

* * *

"He's bagged two chicks in a century?," Faith asked. "I've got a wicked huge vote for the fireball deal."

"/No/," Giles said firmly. "There will be NO torching of school property."

It was about then that a distant rumbling, yelling and screaming became slightly less distant. Giles, Jenny, Xander, and Faith went outside the library.

A teeming horde of vampires were rushing them.

"What the hell?," the normally composed Watcher gasped, as the teenagers and the teacher pulled him back into the Library. Faith barricaded the door with the card catalogue.

"Help," Giles said. "Angel. We have to call Angel."

"Hello?," Faith said. "Slayer? I making sense here?"

"Er, there's an old cellar behind the stacks," Giles continued. "Someone has to get Angel -- this has to be that Spike character. And Angel knows about Spike."

"I'll go," Faith volunteered. "Boytoy can go help the others. You old people can stay here."

"Old?," Giles coughed. He was slightly too late, though -- the Slayer was leaving out the back, and Xander was leaving through the double doors.

* * *

Buffy was SO not having a good night. If she ever got her hands on Angel, she'd make him sorry for not telling them more about Spike. She was running from about ten vampires, all armed with fire axes. The Slayer spotted a familiar face up ahead.

"Xander!," she yelled. "RUN!"

Xander turned around, frowning as he saw the vampires. Not bothering with an incantation, he pointed a palm at the lead vampire, yelling out "ASHER DIST!"

The effects were somewhat chaotic. The vampire simply crumpled into fine black dust, settling over the floor. The rest of the pack slowed to a halt, the de facto leader stepping forwards.

"You... you're Inverse, aren't you?"

Xander grinned evilly, casting 'Balus Rod' during the break, forming a whitehot whip of light in his right hand.

"The Vampire Spooker?," another one said weakly.

"NO, NOT HIM AGAIN! RUUUUN!," the two vampires at the back yelled.

And with that, the nine remaining vamps turned around and ran like undead rabbits.

Buffy turned to Xander, mouth open in shock and surprise. "Xander, why are those vampires so afraid of you?!"

Xander laughed nervously. "I might have fireballed their favourite bar. And... they kinda heard about the Master."

Buffy was Not Happy with this. "HEY! I'm the Slayer -- I'm the one they're supposed to be running from in terror!"

The mage waved his hands in panic. "Don't blame me! I'm not the one running!"

"Slaaayer!," a harsh British voice hissed. "Here, kitty, kittyyy. I find one of your friends first, I'm gonna suck 'em dry. And use their bones to bash your head in. "

The sound of a door being kicked in resonated through the hall, as well as footsteps. A barely audible conversation took place, followed by groans of pain.

"Are you getting a word picture here?," Spike continued. "And I want that bloody mage too. Heeere, kitties."

"Okay, Buff, you distract him while I nail him," Xander decided.

"HEY!," Buffy yelled. "I can take him! Who's the Slayer here?"

"Fine, fine," Xander shrugged. "Just don't get in the way of any waves of destruction."

The Slayer was about to continue her argument, when the bleached Brit appeared around the corner, axe in hand.

"Do we really need weapons for this," Buffy asked weakly, suddenly losing confidence in her stake.

"They make me feel manly," Spike smirked. "C'mere, poodle."

"POODLE?," Buffy asked, incensed. She immediately attacked the blonde vampire.

Xander continued his energy build up, chanting.

"Aw, sorry ducks," Spike continued to smirk. "No sex on the first date -- you'll have to settle for necking when we snog."

"DUCK, BUFF!," Xander shouted. "Dolf Stlash!"

The Slayer dropped to the ground as a brilliant lance of blue energy shot forth from Xander's hands, through the space where Spike was -- or rather, the space where he *would* have been if he had been stupid enough to ignore Xander's shout to Buffy.

"Now that's just not cricket," Spike complained, "two on one like that. I'm not into threesomes."

"How about four?," a familiar voice asked, right before clocking him in the head with another emergency fire axe.

"MUM!," Buffy yelled.

"Nobody lays a hand on my little girl," Joyce smiled, as she dropped the axe and hugged Buffy. She looked over at Xander. "What was that thing you threw at that man?"

Xander grinned sheepishly. "It's kinda a long story, Mrs S."

"It's magic," Faith said, arriving with Angel.

"Maybe not that long," Xander admitted. "Hey, Faith."

The dark-haired Slayer put an arm around Xander, drawing a line down the center of his chest with the other one. "So, didya nail that Spike loser?"

"Nah," Xander admitted. "He ducked."

* * *

Post-fic Comments

Not terribly long. Sorry.