CSINut214's A/N: This is the final chapter. I have to say, we were worried that other fanfic writers would be offended or mad about this parody, but you have all been so, so nice. Probably because you realize that most of the clichés we're mocking, we've actually used in our stories. A lot.

ScullyAsTrinity's A/N: Thank you for not flaming us for being such assholes. We appreciate it.

The next night, Grissom and Sara ran into the lab together, holding hands and skipping. They entered the break room, where all of their friends were relaxing, since there weren't any crimes going on.

"Guys?" Grissom said. "We have something to tell you."

Catherine sat up quickly, her spidey sense tingling. "You're engaged! You got engaged while lying naked on the floor of a Boston hotel room!"

Sara shook her head in wonder. "How do you do that?"

"It's a gift," Catherine shrugged. "So when's the wedding?"

"Tomorrow morning," Grissom replied.

"Tomorrow? But that's so soon! There's no time to plan!"

"We have all we need right here," Sara said, making gooey eyes at Grissom. "Catherine, since you and I are best friends, I'd like you to be my maid of honor."

Catherine burst into tears. "Of course! OMG BFF 4-ever!" The women rushed at each other and hugged, jumping up and down and squealing.

"I'd like you to be my best man, Jim," Grissom said to Brass. "I figure it makes sense, since we're both old and gruff."

"Yes," replied Brass gruffly and oldly. "I'd be glad to."

"What about us?" Nick asked, feeling a little like chopped liver. "What will we do?"

"Nick, you can give me away because you're my big brother," Sara said, sobbing uncontrollably all of a sudden. "Greg, you can be the ring bearer."

"And me?" Warrick asked.

"Well," Sara said thoughtfully, her tears subsiding. "You're an ordained minister, right?"

"Of course," replied Father Warrick.

"Then you can marry us!"

"Hooray!"

"Wait," said Grissom gravely. "What if there is a crime while all of us are at the church? What about the evidence?"

"That's where I come in," said a voice from the doorway. Everyone's head swiveled around to see a woman standing there confidently, with her hands on her hips and a little bit of a magical aura about her.

"Who are you?" Grissom asked, in awe.

"I'm the new CSI on night shift," she replied. "I'm brilliant, funny, and utterly charming. And I look just like the writer of this story."

"Just like what?"

"Nothing. Anyway, it's nice to meet you, Grissom. I figured out it was you, because someone told me you're in love with Sara, and you're holding hands with her."

"But how did you know I'm Sara?" Sara asked, gazing in rapture at the newcomer.

"I know everything," the woman said, flipping her hair over her shoulder. "But I've got to run; Ecklie's coming this way and I've got to say something sassy to him."

"Wait!" Greg called as she started to leave. "I didn't catch your name!"

She strutted down the hall, yelling over her shoulder, "They call me Mary Sue!"

"She was great," Catherine said. "I love her."

"Me too," everyone chorused, stopping a moment to reflect on how cool this new girl was.

The next morning, the church was packed with people. The whole crime lab had turned out to see the wedding of the century. Luckily, Mary Sue was managing all the jobs with skill and spirit.

Greg walked down the rose-petal-strewn aisle, holding a satin pillow with two platinum rings atop it. Then Sara appeared. As she stepped onto the aisle, a collective "ooh" arose from the guests. She was wearing a beautiful, white silk gown, and her hair was up, with delicate ringlets framing her face. A four-million-dollar diamond tiara topped her head (Grissom did know how to invest in the stock market, after all) and on her feet were diamond slippers, handcrafted to mold perfectly to her dainty feet.

"She looks exquisite," Ecklie said, applauding wildly. "Look at her swanlike neck!"

"I'm so proud!" murmured Ecklie's date, Laura Sidle, which made no sense and was not explained at all.

By the time Sara reached Grissom, he was weeping openly, the salty tears of joy darkening the blue shirt that he'd picked out to go with his oceanic eyes. "Oh, my one true love!" he cried, fanning himself with a handkerchief. "I am so lucky that she gave me a chance, even after all the mind games I put her through!"

"Dearly beloved," Father Warrick began. Then he said, "You may kiss the bride." There was other stuff in between, but I didn't want to do any research on how marriage ceremonies actually go.

Grissom dipped Sara low, planting a soul-searing kiss on her lips that made half the audience pass out from emotion. The other half cheered as the happy couple ran down the aisle.

That night, after Grissom had carried her over the threshold into his townhouse, Sara looked at him tentatively.

"Gil..." she began.

"Oh, how I love it when you call me Gil!" he shrieked with joy.

"Gil, I have something to tell you."

His sky-blue eyes widened in alarm. "You want a divorce?"

"No–"

"You have a brain tumor?"

"No–"

"You think Mary Sue is the coolest person ever?"

"No– I mean, yes, of course she is, but that's not my news." She took a deep breath. "Gil, I'm... pregnant."

He stared at her in shock. "But we only had sex two days ago!"

"I know," she nodded, taking his hand. "That's what I said to the doctor, whom I saw in the thirty seconds while you were in the bathroom at the reception. He said that the startling potency of your sperm is probably due to your colossally large manhood."

"That makes sense," he said, thinking about his gigantic love-phallus and how it could probably be seen from outer space.

"There's something else," she murmured. "Griss... we're having twins."

Grissom fell to his knees, overcome with utter joy. "Oh, honey! I am truly the happiest man alive!"

Ten years later
Grissom sat alone in his hermetically sealed condo, wondering when it had all gone wrong. Everything had been so perfect, as they'd planned for their future and kissed each other's noses dreamily. But now she was gone, and all he had to keep him company were the crushed hopes of his past...

He woke up in a sweat, panting heavily.

"Bad dream?" Sara Sidle-Grissom asked sleepily.

"Yes, and it also served as a plot device," he commented as his pulse slowed. The two of them were lying on the porch swing of their home on Lake Mead, watching the sun set over the water. Sara, who didn't look a day over thirty, was nestled securely in Grissom's arms. He smiled, running his hand through his salt-and-pepper curls, which were still not gray even though he was sixty.

"Life is so sweet," he sighed.

Just then, two kids ran out of the house. "Daddy, can we go swimming?"

"Well, that depends," Grissom mused. "Billy, did you brush your teeth?"

"Yes, sir," replied the boy, who had brown curly hair, robin's egg blue eyes, and a gap-toothed grin. "I also made a preliminary chart of the life cycle of the blowfly. Because I'm really interested in bugs. Like you."

"Great," Grissom smiled. "And Jorja, did you put away your toys?"

"I sure did," said the girl, who had brown curly hair, sapphire blue eyes, and a gap-toothed grin. Because gapped teeth are genetic. "I also volunteered for a local women's crisis center, because I am passionate about such issues."

"Then you can both go swimming," he said generously.

"Wahoo!" they cheered in twin-like unison.

"Last one in is a rotten egg!" Billy yelled, running toward the lake.

"Hey, since when do you run so fast?" Jorja demanded, taking off after him.

"Since I met you!" he cried, jumping off the dock. She was able to hear him, since neither of them had otosclerosis... yet.

Sara chuckled as she watched them. "Oh, Griss, I'm so glad you decided you 'knew what to do about this' after all."

"Yes," he replied. "Deciding to 'take the risk' and 'pull my head up from that microscope' was the best move I ever made."

"Tell me," she said, "do you have a relevant quote for this scenario?"

"I do," he assured her. "My quote is: Love is the master key which opens the gates of happiness."

While the sun set upon the water, and the sound of their clone-children's laughter filled the air, Grissom and Sara shared one long, beautiful kiss, which was filled with love and happiness and joy and affection and magic. Then they had some smutty, smutty sex.

The End.