Thanks to Hockeyvaughnfan, Sebaceanbabe &Doomcrayon for thebeta duties,andClare for the inspiration.
This may be part of a series of stories looking at Lee and how he sees the women in his life.
Kara was like fire. She burned. You stood in her wake and the lucky survived intact. Lee was not one of those. He had felt her. He knew what she tasted like. She still lingered on his tongue. Sometimes when he lay alone at night, he could feel her. Neurons triggered old memories and he was lost for a while in the sense and feel of her. Her mouth on his, her tongue skimming over his teeth, fingers tracing muscles, hands grasping. She had driven him mad and he was lost.
He wanted her so badly, but it was not meant to be. They had only ever made love the once, and Kara had been drunk. For her it was just another frak. Lee never said anything, just watched as she dressed and left. Kara moved on and it hurt. But better to be her friend than nothing at all. So he buried his pride, and watched as she slept with others, but not with him. He shored up his walls against her and tried to survive in her wake. But then it was Zak and Lee crumpled.
He loved his brother beyond all else. After their father left, Zak had cried and Lee had held him and told him it was not his fault. He could forgive Zak anything. He didn't blame him. But he failed his brother. He did not warn Zak, couldn't tell him the truth about Kara, and could not fight the jealous fires that burned in him when he saw them together. So Lee watched them instead, on the outside looking in.
But Zak was different. He was not another casual frak. Kara stopped drinking and stopped sleeping around, and he realized that she was in love with Zak, and that tore at him.
One night, he watched them dancing. They were lost in each other, oblivious to the world around them, perfect. And he looked on, and something dark and twisted rose inside of him, and he had to turn away in shame. He got drunk, desperate to quench the pain. He could never remember what actually happened that night.
He couldn't recall the fight he had gotten into, but one minute he was in the bar, and then next he was in a hospital bed. He called Zak to come and get him, but told him not to let Kara know, and for a few short days, it was Zak watching over him. But then Kara was back and Lee had to leave.
Lee buried himself in his work. Gave up on the concept of a social life. No woman could match the burn. There was a rumour at the Academy that he was gay. Zak asked him about it once, and Lee just smiled at his brother, so innocent and naive in many ways, but did not answer him. Maybe it was better that way.
Lee had worked hard to protect Zak when they were kids. He should have worked harder. He should have kept him away from Kara, but for a while, at least one of the Adama brothers was happy and Lee could not begrudge Zak that.
But the next time he saw his brother it was in a morgue, and Lee stared at the body, blackened by flames, and wanted to scream.
He saw Kara at the funeral, standing by his father. He did not remember much of that day. It was a haze of pain and grief, of rage and guilt. He took it out pain on his father. He stayed away from Kara.
And afterwards, once again, he buried himself in work. Pushing himself, aiming for perfection, burying himself so deep that he could no longer feel the pain or the guilt. And he came to hate it. He wanted out. As long as he stayed in the military he would never be free. He had finally made up his mind to resign when he received the order to attend the decommissioning ceremony on the Galactica.
And the world ended and Lee would, could, never be free.
Everyone was dead or dying, and in the middle of all that chaos, Kara told him the truth about how Zak died. Lies and half-truths. It was the story of their lives.
But for days he had no time to think about it. The Cylons kept attacking, and all Lee could do was concentrate on trying to stay alive and keep his pilots safe. A few weeks later, it had taken Kara's near death to make him realize how strongly he still felt about her. Almost losing her had forced deeply buried feelings to surface. And they left an acid taste in his mouth.
But this time he could not keep her at a distance. His world was gone, and he was trapped in a never-ending nightmare, and the only friend he had left was Kara. For one brief moment, after he destroyed that Cylon refinery, as she shared her cigar, he thought that she looked at him as he had seen her look at Zak, and he felt a tiny glimmer of hope. He fooled himself, lied to himself again, and allowed himself to feel for her.
But then the inevitable happened. Kara slept with Baltar. He had no right to call her a whore, no right to humiliate her in front of the deck-crew. It was petty and mean, but he hurt, and when it came to Kara Thrace, Lee Adama was often not that rational.
A few hours later she was gone, and Lee was left behind again, to pick up the pieces in her wake.
So he stood in front of the mirror, fingers tracing the bruise her knuckles had left. He wondered would it leave a mark. It would not be the first