If Only
If only I had taken it- listened to you and let my greed take over me. If only I hadn't suggested we hold it at the same time- suggested a dual Hogwarts victory.
If only I'd followed my instincts. That quickening of my heartbeat as I saw you dancing with Cho, that shock as I realised it wasn't her I wanted, it was you.
If only I had taken a chance and said something to you. Instead I sat and wondered if that smile meant what I hoped it meant, and did nothing.
Our hands touched- yours and mine- when we took the Cup together. We looked into each other's eyes then, but all you asked me was if I knew if it was supposed to be a Portkey.
If only I knew how you felt then; but I'll never know because of those awful whispered hissing words. Those three terrible little words.
"Kill the spare."
If only I'd been the spare, and you'd been the famous little wizard. But then I'd be dead and you'd be alive and we'd still be apart, without ever knowing if we could have been together.
If could have been perfect. You and I- we could have laughed together and loved together, even though I'll never know exactly how you felt about me. I can dream (though now all I seem to have are nightmares)
If only my dreams didn't make me relive that flash of green light, that blank staring look, that ghost that asked me to return your body to your parents. If only they were dreams instead of nightmares.
If only I could dream of your hand in mine, your mouth on mine, our bodies pressed tight in a long, beautiful embrace. If only I'd had the nerve to make that a reality, when I had the chance.
"Kill the spare."
If only Voldemort had never existed. But there's the problem- without my name in the Goblet of Fire, not placed there by one of his psychotic followers, would we ever have met as more than Quidditch opponents?
So in a way I'm glad we were Champions. If only I'd taken our relationship further than just helping you and having you help me back. Dumbledore said to remember, and I'll remember you forever. I'll remember what was, and dream of what might have been.
If only you hadn't died.