Rehabilitation

Chapter 10 – esSEX ADVICE

"Hey, look." Scott said, showing Remy and Logan a piece of paper. "The new doctor wants to do some sort of group couples' counseling with us."

Scott walked in and sat next to Jean. Remy sat a few inches from Rogue and Logan simply gaped at Jubilee, who said the doctor requested her presence. Logan felt awkward, embarrassed, and annoyed.

Nathaniel Essex walked in and sat down, wearing a white lab coat. He nonchalantly leaned back in his chair. "They'll hire anyone these days."

"Shit." Logan muttered.

"Please don't piss on me." Scott added.

"What?" Jean asked. "What on earth is going on here?"

"Uhhh…" Scott said, startled as Jean began sorting through his thoughts.

"Wait, my legs aren't that hairy!" Jean said. "You're cheating on me? With a hairball? How come our sex isn't that hot? When was the last time we had sex?"

"Children!" Sinister yelled, panicked. "Scott, Jean, why are you not having sex? Sex leads to procreation!"

There was silence for a few moments, and then hell erupted between Jean and Scott.

"She's never in the mood!"

"He's can't get it up!"

"She's lazy!"

"He's selfish!"

"She's too kinky!"

"He barks orders to me!"

The room became dead silent other than a deep chuckle coming from the 'doctor.'

"You bark orders at her?" Sinister was laughing uncontrollably. "How romantic! I can see it now! Candlelight, intimacy, and then Scott looks at Jean and says 'Mission Ejaculation, Jean! Hurry.' And Jean angrily looks at him, rolls over, and says, 'Honey, I've got a headache'." He continued laughing. "Such a shame, for a woman as lovely as Jean. Really, you live with Remy, I'm sure he could give you good advice about how to treat a woman in bed. Or, alternately, take your woman to bed. As long as one of you utilizes Jean's eggs and womb…"

Scott was horrified, Jean was pissed off, and everyone else was laughing uncontrollably. Jean fumed and stood up. "This is NOT fair. You're treating us differently than the other two couples."

Sinister shrugged and smiled. "Alright." He turned to Remy and Rogue. "Why are you two not having sex?"

Remy shrugged. "Remy don' wanna die."

"Is that all?" Sinister threw something at Remy. "It's a special ring that will enable you to touch Rogue." Remy put the ring on, grabbed Rogue's hand, then both screamed and fell onto the floor. Sinister began laughing again. "Sometimes I amuse myself too much."

Jubilee stood up. "That was NOT funny!"

Sinister grinned. "Of course it was. Now sit down, Jailbait." SNIKT! "Don't be a fool, Logan. Every man in this room thinks 'Jubilee' and 'jailbait' are synonyms, especially you!"

"I am not attracted to her! She's SIXTEEN!" Logan yelled.

Sinister nodded. "How long before she's eighteen?" He asked quickly, so Logan would respond without thinking.

"412 days!" Logan said.

"My point exactly!" Sinister exclaimed. "An older, animalistic male, practically searching for a mate, finds a lovely, fertile, unused female and claims it as his own. I believe I read that in a book about predatory animals." Logan jumped onto the desk and held his claws against Sinister's throat. "Now, put those away. I'm sure you don't wish to miss Ms. Lee's eighteenth birthday because your psyche is trapped in a plant. Although, it would be interesting to see if your unique regenerative properties would keep you from dying when I urinated on you."

Logan stumbled back and sat in his chair next to Jubilee just as Remy slowly got up from the floor.

Sinister turned back to the first couple. "Scott, don't be inconsiderate in bed. And learn to perform cunnilingus. If she doesn't scream, you are performing poorly. Am I clear?"

"Yes." Scott squeaked.

"And have babies. Everyone loves them!" Sinister said, sweetly.

"We are not having children." Scott said.

"Why not?" Sinister asked, annoyed.

"YOU." Jean said.

"What?" Sinister asked innocently.

Rogue crossed her arms. "Ah like it how ya just conveniently forgot stealin' his first baby."

Sinister's eyes narrowed. "I like your breakup style." He flashed his sharp teeth at her. Rogue, tired of his antics, simply stood up and buried her fist in his face, breaking Sinister's nose. "Ow!"

"How's that for style?" Rogue asked.

Sinister waited impatiently as his nose healed quickly. "So, do you honestly love Remy?"

"Ahm not answering that!" Rogue yelled.

"Why not?" Sinister asked.

"Ain' your business, Sinister." Rogue replied.

Sinister crossed his arms. "Everything is my business."

Jubilee grinned. "I'm on my period."

"I did not need to know that, Jailbait!" Sinister growled.

"But it's your business!" Jubilee exclaimed, giggling.

Jean cocked an eyebrow. "I have a yeast infection."

"I've got PMS!" Rogue yelled.

Sinister covered his ears. "When will they learn to shut up about their female problems?" He asked Remy, who shrugged. "So, Rogue," He said, attempting to change the subject. "Did you like Remy's painting? The one that depicted him having an orgy with every woman in this room?"

Remy's body seemed to turn to liquid as he slid off the chair and stepped away from the bunch. He stared in horror at Sinister. "Y'don' know what y'done!"

Remy dodged an optic blast that took out most of the wall behind him, then rolled to dodge Logan, who lunged at him. Meanwhile, all three women mercilessly stared at him. By some lack of planning, Remy found himself surrounded, caught in a circle by the angry mutants. Remy spotted a piece of torn air vent that Scott had destroyed and leapt, pulling himself into it and then snaking down the air duct.

Logan and Scott ran down the hallway, blasting holes in the ceiling every time Logan heard something. Of course, they didn't know the rehab center had rat problems.

Meanwhile, Rogue and the other two women were sitting in the room with Sinister, when Rogue suddenly burst out laughing.

"What on earth is so funny?" Jean asked.

"I know why they got arrested." Rogue said, giggling.

………………………………………………………………………

Flashback

They were drunk, disoriented, naked, and, above all, having the time of their lives.

The three men strolled through Central Park, floating on the intoxication the absinthe brought.

"Hello, Madame!" Remy said to a woman, who gaped at the three muscular, handsome naked men who approached her.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

She ran away in horror, leaving the three men looking around. "Why did she run?" Scott asked.

SNIKT! Logan sniffed the air. "Something must have scared her!"

"What do you sense, Wolverine?" Scott said.

"I can't say for sure, but I think it may be a gang of…cotton candy." Logan snorted and burst out laughing. "Cotton candy bandits!"

"Dat woman was sexy." Remy said. "If we rescue her, maybe she give us some? Or, Remy, at least."

Remy took off in her direction, the other two men close behind. Unfortunately, the stealth factor was SEVERELY impaired by the alcohol flowing through the men, who clumsily and relentless chased after the woman, assuming they were protecting her from some unknown force.

And then they came upon a very, very, very unlucky clown, who just happened to be walking home carrying a bag of cotton candy.

"NON!" Remy shrieked as he flew through the air, tackling the clown to the ground. Now, for the clown, this was a very disturbing moment. Tired, ready for sleep, he was simply on his way home when a naked Cajun with demonic eyes attacked him. He struggled, but turned to see a smaller, stockier man with claws ready to tear his insides out.

"We've had enough of you and your cotton candy, bub." Logan said, growling. "Gimme one reason not t'spill your useless guts right here, right now."

The clown, near tears, looked up at Logan with begging eyes. "I'll uhh…I'll let you take my cotton candy."

Scott crossed his arms. "We'll let you go, but you have to promise you will never engage in these types of activities again. Are we clear?"

"YES!" The clown shouted. They didn't notice the woman dialing the police on her cell phone.

"And," Remy said as the clown stood. "Remy want dis!" He plucked the furry red nose off the clown.

"PENIS HAT!"

………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Next Chapter: Next Chapter will be a surprise. But it's going to be the second-to-last. That's right, it's going to end soon.

Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. I think the board of directors would be pretty pissed off if I did and then wrote something like this.

Revelations – Thank you. I appreciate continued readership.
Chylea3784 – This story is fun. Seriously. Putting them in counseling opens doors to discuss some really bizarre things.
dizi – Remy just isn't the same when he thinks with the head between his shoulders.
Inantiodromia – Yes, I am crazy. But you know you love it.
utsuri – You could be Utsuri, the torturer of hot Cajuns!
Tokyo Fox – The more shame, the more amusement. This is why it's a good thing these people are fictional. I really don't think a normal person could handle this.
Iseult of the Snows – Thank you. Hope you enjoy this chapter.