Ch. 2

FRUSTRATION AND FORGIVENESS

Bang! Bang! Bang! Captain Daniel Jackson stood rapping on the front door of Colonel Jack O'Neill's house.

"Sir! C'mon, open up! It's Cpt. Jackson!" he shouted, knowing full well Jack could hear him on the other side.

The rain was coming down hard now. Daniel was glad now that Sam had reminded him to grab his rain poncho on the way out of the base. Thunder crashed somewere off in the distance.

"Whaddya want?" Jack muttered, opening the door not quite all the way. He wasn't in the mood for visitors. Not now, not ever. He took a sip from the glass of scotch he held in his hand.

Daniel didn't answer right away. He wanted to check on Jack, make sure he was okay. Letting the Colonel know that, however, would be a serious blow to the man's ego.

When Daniel didn't answer fast enough, Jack started to close the door on him. Daniel threw his foot in the way, blocking the heavy solid oak door from closing all the way. The door bounced back, knocking Jack's hand and spilling some of the liquer.

"Dammit," Jack muttered under his breath.

"What's goin' on, Jack? You've been holed up here for weeks." Daniel forced his way into the front room, standing sternly in front of Jack. "You didn't put in for leave; you're AWOL. They're about ready to court marshal you."

"So let 'em," he mumbled through his drink. He was in no hurry to get back to work. Other plantes could wait. Right now he was perfectly content to wallow in his own misery, drowning his sorrows in alcohol.

"Jack, I miss Charlie too, but this just isn't right. I thought you crossed that bridge and burned it on the other side," Daniel said, taking the glass out of Jack's hand. Jack was so far gone he didn't even put up a fight. "You just fell off the face of the planet. What's going on?"

"What's it look like?" Jack retorted, snatching his glass back and downing the last little bit left. "This is a new bridge, with a new river."

Daniel circled around, noticing for the first time the house seemed too quiet, too empty.

"She's gone." Jack threw him and unopened manilla envelope. He didn't need to break the seal to know what was inside. The papers had been making their way into their lives since Charlie's death.

Daniel opened the envelope and pulled out the papers. He stared blankly for a minute before replying, "Oh, Jeez, Jack. I'm sorry." He tucked the papers back into the envelope and tossed it on the coffee table. "Have you tried calling her. It's been weeks since we've been back, maybe it's given her some time to think about it."

"She won't answer her phone. And she's had 3 years to think about it. I'm not coming back to work," Jack grumbled.

"Maybe you should put in for furlough. You'll have more time to think about it," Daniel suggested. "Don't sign those,not yet. I've known you for years and I've never seen you give up anything this easily."

"Hey! I don't need my 2IC telling me what to do, Captain!" Jack shouted. He threw himself into the easy chair.

"Fine, Colonel. How 'bout your friend?" Daniel said, the hurt in his yeyes betraying the calm in his voice.

"I think I've known you a little longer than you realize. I had you tagged Spec. Ops. before you even knew who I was. Friends angle? Little bit worn. What if you went home to Abydos to find Sha'uri gone?" He knew what Daniel would say, and he silently congratulated himself on the fact that his ability to turn the tables on any conversation was still in prime condition.

"I had to leave her to come back here! I was retired remember?" He threw the furlough papers on the coffee table next to the manila envelope.

"Oh for cryin' out loud! Apples to oranges, Captain! You're going back! You get to see her again." Jack sat forward in the chair, leaning his head in his hands. Man, Daniel's annoying!

"Fine, Colonel! You do what you want." Daniel paced back and forth in the living room. "Have you left any messages for Sara?" He knew how much Jack hated answering machines and voice mail.

"No," Jack said quietly. Why did Jackson have to go there? Everybody knew he would never leave messages on anyone's machine, ever.

"Maybe that's all she's waiting for." Daniel's suggestion stung, but Jack knew he was right.

"I'm not going to leave her any messages," Jack replied stubbornly. "And I'm not coming back!"

"I didn't want to use these…" Daniel threw another set of papers on the coffee table. Jack saw his name printed on the top sheet.

CRAP!

He knew the higher powers would find some way to get him back there, he just didn't think they would use Daniel in that way. But still, court marshaling him? For cryin' out loud!

"All right! All right, you got me." He threw his scotch glass against the far wall. It shattered and fell into a heap on the floor.

The pile of glass worried Daniel. It looked like Jack had done this at least once before.

"Um, Jack… How many of those have you gone through?" Daniel asked nervously.

"I don't know, check the office."

"This is crazy Jack! What the hell are you doing?"

"That's insubordination and disrespect of a superior officer!" Jack jumped up to where he was less than and inch away from Daniel's face.

"You're no officer! Look at you, you're just some old drunk! Never mind, I'll see you later." Daniel gave up, seeing the lost look in his best friend's eyes. He figured if Jack was giving up on himself, why shouldn't they? He stormed towards the front door, stopping short as he reached for the knob. He shook his head. No, he couldn't just give up on his best friends.

"Daniel," Jack said, his voice sounding flat and deflated.

Daniel turned around, slowly, avoiding any eye contact with Jack.

"That comment about Sha'uri…" Jack trailed off softly.

"Thanks. I know," Daniel replied. He walked slowly back into the living room, his eyes falling on the coffee table. Jack was ruffling through the papers lying there. He must have found what he was looking for; he pulled a pen off one of the lamp stands.

Oh, no! Daniel noticed the manila envelope was empty. He panicked. Oh, man! HE could feel a sneeze coming o.

"No!" Achoo! "Jack." Achoo! "Don't." Achoo! "Sign those!" A-CHOO!

"Daniel?" Jack was confused at this sudden outburst. "You told me to!"

"What? No… I didn't… I… Wait, what are you talking about?" Daniel slumped into the chair next to Jack's.

Jack sat there, looking at Daniel, concerned. A slow gin started picking up in the corners of his mouth as he realized what Daniel had been thinking.

"Furlough, Daniel," Jack said smugly.

"Oh, right."

Jack handed the papers back to him. "You can let Hammond know that I will be back, eventually."

"Okay, I will." Daniel smiled, standing to leave.

"I know you're in a hurry to get home…" Jack stood to let Daniel out.

"Yeah, so…" Daniel walked to the front door. "Make sure you talk to Sara."

"I will, thanks. Tell Sha'uri and Ta'ashra I said 'hi'."

"You should come out to see them yourself," Daniel replied. "Tay keeps asking where you've been. She really misses you."

When Jack and the others had left Abydos, Daniel had stayed behind, not really wanting to leave the planet he had helped save. He gave Jack a formal letter of resignation and stayed with Sha'uri. Six months later Ta'ashra was born. It surprised, mostly Jack. Sam had suggested it might have had something to do with the days being longer (they were thirty-six hours) and the pull of the moon. Or something like that, Jack hadn't really been listening.

Jack had been going back to Abydos once a week for nearly a year, but that had since changed to once a month, for budget reasons, they told him. He had been rather upset about that, seeing as how much he truly enjoyed going there, though he would never admit it.

The people of Abydos, who now included Daniel and Ta'ashra, had been his saving grace after Charlie… No! No, not now. He wouldn't think about it. They had saved him from complete self-destruction. And now he felt like they were all part of some huge cosmic family.

Man, had it really been that long since… Stop it, Jack! You don't have time for this.

"She has? She's only 3, Daniel." Jack gave a faint smile. He missed playing with Daniel's little girl. It made his visits seem like work.

"You've been coming around so much, she just got used to you being there. She started asking questions as soon as you missed your visit the first time." Daniel hadn't been sure what to say to Ta'ashra to help her understand that Uncle Jack just wasn't feeling very well lately.

"Okay, you got me. Just give me a little more time."

"Just let us know, Jack." Daniel pulled his poncho over his head and patted his friend on the shoulder. He ran through the rain to the car, knowing he had finally talked some sense into his best friend.

Jack closed the door and stood in the entryway to the living room. He should call Sara now, he knew, but maybe he'd clean up the glass first.

Sara was at work when Jack finally got a hold of her. She'd seen his name on the caller ID, but decided to ignore him for the time being. Her phone flashed "four new messages", all from Jack. It'd taken him long enough to finally leave a message, she figured he could wait a little longer. Her plan backfired.

"Sara," her secretary rang through the intercom. "Jack's on the line."

"Tell him I'm out to lunch or something," she replied with a sigh. So he was desperate enough to try her office. She could play this card.

"He knows you're here."

What? How could he? "Tell him I'm going to have to call him back."

"Okay. Are you up for a visitor?" the secretary asked.

"Oh, sure, send them in." She didn't really want to see anyone, but it gave her an excuse not to talk to Jack. She could hear the door click open.

"Please sit down," she said without looking up from her paperwork.

"Hi, Sara," she heard in that familiar deep voice.

"Jack!" she startled, knocking her paperwork off her desk. What was he doing here? And why had he stayed after she had so obviously blown him off on the phone? She knelt to pick up the spilled sheets off the floor.

"Here, let me help you with those." He bent down next to her. As he reached for a piece of paper, his hand brushed hers.

Sara quickly jerked her hand away. "No, I got it!" she snapped back. "Sorry, Jack. I just wasn't expecting to see you here."

"That's all right. I wouldn't expect to see me here either," Jack grinned. He knew what needed to be said, but he had never been too good at apologies. He'd better say something, the elephant in the room had seemed to be growing. "So," he picked up. "How've, uh, you been?"

"Best as can be expected, I guess," Sara answered.

"Listen, Hun-"

"Don't!" Sara interrupted. "Don't call me that. Not right now."

"Okay. Anyway, I came over to see if you were free for lunch. Maybe we could talk a bit." Jack stood still, a rarity with him, ready to turn and run when she rejected him, which he was certain she would.

"I, uh, I can't today," Sara said. Jack wants to talk? She was in shock. She never thought he would be the one to start a conversation. "We have meetings all day and-"

"No, that's okay, I can take a hint. I'll be seeing you, I guess." He approached her, kissed her gently on the cheek and walked towards the door. What was he thinking? He knew it wouldn't work.

No, Jack! Please come back!

"Jack, wait. I just said I couldn't do lunch today. How about dinner tonight?" What had prompted her to do that? It had to be this new attitude of his. He'd never been willing to talk to her after Iraq. Charlie's death had just made it worse. It'd been years since he had come to see her at work.

"Sure, I'd like that," Jack replied with a smile. She'd missed that smile. It was comforting; had always been reassuring. It had signified everything would be alright, until it disappeared. Now that she saw it again, it was almost like old times.

"8:00, you know where," Sara told him.

"I'll see you then." He gave her a hug and kiss on the cheek, and flashed that wicked O'Neill grin that shone bright through his eyes. "I love you, Sara O'Neill," he whispered gently in her ear.

7 pm, an hour before his "date" with Sara, found Jack in front of the mirror trying to weed out the few grey hairs he had found. What would Sara say? He laughed at the thought of her picking on him for his hair. He quickly ran his hand through it one last time, and checked to make sure he hadn't missed any spots while shaving, or cut himself too badly.

This is it, he thought. My last chance with Sara. Don't blow this, Jacky-boy.

He carefully pulled on his dress shirt, trying not to ruffle it. He straightened his tied and grabbed his sport coat. The Air Force would be staying behind on this mission, but he tucked a zat into its custom holster at the small of his back. He threw his pager on the bed, set his phone on vibrate, and shoved it deep in his pocket.

Jack felt like he was back in his teen age years on his first date again. Get a hold of yourself, O'Neill! You're just meeting your wife for dinner, it's no big deal. He had to remind himself just how normal this meeting was, but it wasn't normal. The life of his marriage hung on the success of this dinner.

He was more nervous than he could remember being in a long time. The stress was getting to be too much, he had to get out of there. It being too early to show up for their dinner, Jack decided he should go for a drive to calm down.

The small, family owned Italian restaurant was located in downtown Colorado Springs. Sara had been a waitress there when they first met. Jack had been a mere twenty-year-old, fresh our of flight school, top of his class, celebrating with his friends. Sara had been their waitress.

Sara had been attracted to Jack not just because of his good looks, but because he had not outright hit on her. Oh, he had flirted with her and she had a feeling he'd been checking her out behind her back. He had yelled at on of his buddies for trying to lay down a pick up line on her. When she had gone back to the kitchen, she'd burst out laughing at this wonderful guy who actually didn't seem to be trying to get in her pants.

They had become close friends over the next year, Jack always staying up late to take her out to coffee after getting out of work. After that year, Jack finally asked her to dinner. He took her to their restaurant, to the same table where they had met. At that point, Sara had gotten a new job.

A few years later, Jack asked her to marry him at the same restaurant, same table. They had their wedding reception there, the year after that. Their anniversary dinners, same restaurant, same table. It was where Jack had found out they were expecting Charlie.

When Charlie died, though, they had fallen apart. They had stopped going to their special place. Neither of them knew why. Perhaps it had been too painful a reminder of happier times.

Arriving to their dinner early would show Sara how serious he was. As he pulled into the parking lot a quarter to eight, he was still debating whether to go inside or not. He had parked the car and sat for a moment, running through his options, when the setting sun reflected off a vehicle nearby. Jack looked to the side ot realize it was Sara's purple Neon.

She was already there! Now he really didn't know what to do. If he went in now, he might look desperate, but if he waited too long, she might not take him seriously.

No! He'd better go in now, just play it cool. As he walked into the building, the host stepped out from behind his podium.

"Ah, Colonel O'Neill! Right this way please. Your wife is already seated," the man said, his thick Italian accent rolling through.

Jack followed him through the familiar pathway he had traveled so many times before, though never had he been so nervous. They approached the table. Jack nodded to the host and sat across from Sara. The host left them with their usual drink order.

"I got here early, so I ordered your drink for you," Sara said, taking a sip from her water glass.

"Thank you. I tried to get here early, but I see I'm just not as good at that," Jack said dryly. He cringed. He should have thought before opening his mouth, but he was just too used to it. Better wing it, Jack. You've screwed up big time now.

"Not fair, Jack, don't start," Sara muttered, trying not to get angry. She'd had enough of his attitude over the past few years.

"No, you're right. It's not fair and I'm sorry." Jack lowered his eyes to the table, ashamed. He quickly glanced at the wine bottle, but resisted the urge to drink. If Sara wasn't going to drink any of the wine, he wasn't either. "I know you're angry with me-"

"No, Jack. I think that's our problem. I'm not angry anymore, but you are. Don't get me wrong, I was upset. In fact, I was extremely angry with you. Our little boy, our perfect Charlie, died because of you. Or at least that's what I thought at first, but after a while I realized that blaming you wasn't doing any good, and it wouldn't bring Charlie back. By the time I had realized this, though, we had stopped talking. I let myself understand that you didn't kill him, but you wouldn't know that! I've missed you, Jack, and not just since we've been apart." Her eyes teared up as she rested her hand on his. "You left me a long time ago."

"I know, Sara, I-"

"You know?" Sara cut him off.

"That's what I wanted to talk about. I was all set to just let you walk out of my life. Daniel helped me realize what a mistake that would be. I didn't try to push you away, Sara. I just didn't know how to handle my problems. When Charlie died, I was okay because I had you, even if I never showed it. When I came home last month and you weren't there, I died. I'm glad you didn't see the sorry state Daniel found me in this morning," Jack ended with a sad grin. "I want to start over again. I want you to be as happy as we were before even my 'incident.'"

"Jack?" This couldn't be the same could shell of a man she'd known for the past few years. That man, Colonel O'Neill, who had stood silently at attention at her son's funeral.

"Sara, I want to make it up to you. I want to heal the wounds I caused. Most of all, I just don't want to lose you again."

"Oh, Jack. I don't know. There's just so much…" Hurt. She didn't want to say it, knowing their now fragile states of mind.

"Let's talk about it. I know this whole mess is my fault. After Cromwell left me, I was bitter and hateful, but Charlie…" Jack's eyes filled, the tears almost spilling over his lids.

"It's okay, Jack. We can talk about him," Sara said quietly. She wrapped his hands in hers and stroked them softly. Was he crying? No, but he was definitely close. This was a side of her flyboy she had never seen before.

"It's still hard," he said, his emotions threatening to choke out his voice. He leaned in closer, just to be near her. "I'm sorry you had to deal with his death alone. I was too selfish to see what my depression was doing to you."

"This whole thing, it really wasn't all your fault. Charlie… wasn't your fault," Sara replied calmly, running her finger the length of his arm.

"It was my gun, Sara!" he nearly shouted back. How could she be so calm? She was talking to the man who killed her son. "Besides, you said so yourself."

"Jack, I forgave you long ago. I realized it was the only way I could move on. You need to do the same." She gave a little hint of a smile in the corner of her mouth mixed with deep concern.

"What if I won't? What if I… I can't?" He said, sorrowfully. "Our son is dead because of me."

"Charlie had a wonderful life because of you. Remember that. We were really great, weren't we?"

"The greatest," Jack replied. He smiled and gazed into her eyes. He wanted it all back. Everything. He wanted all those happy times and the painful memories of what had been.

"Jack, I…" Sara started.

"Please, come home," Jack asked, his eyes portraying the silent plea he was screaming inside.

"Are you going back to work?" She looked up at him, then back down at her food, a sadness floating around her.

"Unfortunately, I have to. There's still too much I have to do. I really wish I could tell you, and this time I mean it, but you wouldn't believe me even if I could." He didn't want to disappoint her again.

"No, it's okay. I really want to. I know how much you need your work," Sara replied, a smile crossing her face.

"If that was only the half of it," he said quietly, hoping both that she'd heard and that she hadn't.

"I would love to have the old Jack back, but I know that can't happen, and for once, I've realized I can live with that."

Jack grimaced. The words stung him to the core. "I don't want you to have to 'live with it.' I don't want you to suffer anymore."

"I can live with it because while you've changed, I have too. We lost our son and I think we should have clung together instead of driving each other away."

They were sitting almost touching each other now, so close. Sara turned and laid her head on his shoulder, her hand on his thigh. Jack put his arm around her, letting her relax before dessert. "I love you," he whispered into her ear. He could feel her smile against his chest.

"Jack, I just realized something," she said softly. "You haven't had anything to drink except water."

"You haven't either," he replied. "I just thought that if you weren't, I wouldn't."

"I ordered for you because I figured…" She trailed off, not wanting to finish.

"That I would be a wreck and would need it," Jack finished for her. "It's okay, I understand."

"I'm sorry, Jack." A solitary tear slid down her cheek.

Suddenly, Jack jumped, spilling his water across the table. "My phone," he smiled sheepishly. He flipped it open, took one look and tucked it back in his pocket. "It's just Daniel, he can call back."

"Jack?" Sara cocked her head to the side. "You've never done that before."

"Special night," he replied. His facial expression quickly changed, contorting into a grimace. "He's calling back again."

"So answer it."

"No, no. I purposely left my pager at home and told Daniel to leave me alone so this wouldn't happen. I don't want to talk to anyone else tonight," he explained.

"It's been a long time, Jack," Sara said softly, a tear in her eye.

"Too long," he added. "You think we could give this one more try?"

"I'd like that. You know, I didn't want to leave."

"I know," he replied.

"But I had to get your attention. I wanted you to see what you were doing to yourself. Daniel came to see me the other day, after you didn't show up to work for two weeks. He was quite concerned," she faintly added.

"He had reason to be." Jack sighed. His phone was vibrating again. "Sorry, better find out what's going on."

He opened his phone and leaned back. "Captain, this better be good."

"Sorry, Colonel. You're needed back at the base."

"Hmmmm, no. I told you not to call me tonight, Daniel." He leaned his elbows on the table and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"Thor says he needs to talk to you."

"You can tell Thor that his skinny little butt is welcome at my house any time." Jack hung up and settled back into the booth.

"What was that about?" Sara asked, leaning back against him.

"Oh just a friend," he said vaguely.

"You expect me to believe you have a friend, and his name is Thor?" Sara said, skeptical of Jack's explanation.

"Mmm, yeah." Jack smiled that amazing smile Sara loved so much. "Maybe you can meet him someday." He looked deep into her eyes. "So… where were we?"

"I was just telling you how Daniel and I were conspiring against you," she smirked.

"It's a good thing you did." Jack grinned and wrapped his arms around her. "I know it hasn't seemed like it, but I do love you. I may have lost sight of that for a while, but I never stopped. Every mission I've been on since the day I met you, I've always focused on coming home to you. When you left, I just lost it. I just want you to be happy."

"I know, Jack. I've always known. I just felt so… left out. Like you were two people and I only knew one of them."

"I never meant for that to happen." Jack tried to look into her eyes as best he could. "Now I just want a second chance. I'm sorry, for everything."

"Oh, Jack." The tears flowed freely now. She didn't bother trying to wipe them away.

"Will you come back home?"

"Yes," Sara smiled.

A/N: Okay so there's the end of ch. 2. More of au jack's story to come.