Hello people, been a while since I wrote something. This is my first time doing something for the Gravitation section so I hope it turns out okay. It's a songfic of 'Chop Suey' by System of a Down. It's mostly a little angsty Tohma, but I'll try and add in some other stuff. Whether this is a one-shot or chapter fic, I'm not sure. Ja ne (later). -Invader Nicole (2/25/05)
P.S.: This is actually the second time I'm posting it, I had posted it a little while ago, but it never actually showed up on Gravitation section. I did get one review though:
KitsuneAkai13
2005-02-26
ch 1, signed
wow! awesome fic! . i luved it so much . all the pain and suffering, your descriptions of everything were very good. mm, it's sad tomha died, i'm assuming he did, which is why i agree with u, it's a good one-shot. .- excellent actually. and the song went really well. . i have to add this to my fav list! wonderful job, good luck with yur future work. .- ja ne. grins see, this review is so much longer then the previous one on the other site. . hehe, tootles.
Thank you so much for reviewing, you'll probably be my only one, but still I am content. I've decided this will be a two-chapter fic and there will be a follow-up afterwards. Yay form me. With that said, I hope everyone enjoys the fic. -Invader Nicole (3/23/05)
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"When Angels Die"
By Invader Nicole
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Blood, droplets slowly dripping onto the crimson colored sleeves of his nightclothes, trickling and staining the cloth that hung loosely upon his wrists and forearms. We wiped it away, feeling foolish for doing so since more beads of blood slowly appeared from the wound. 'Let it spill, something whispered in his mind. 'You can always buy more clothes, can't you? Now that she's gone you can anyway.'The bearer of the bleeding arm laughed softly to himself. The thing, whatever it was, conscious or insanity; was correct. Now that she had left him he would be able to buy more stuff. He still could've with her there, but now he could probably get more music equipment as well. Maybe a new synthesizer?
"Or are these just excuses? Am I lying to myself?" he asked himself, listening to his voice echo off the pale white walls of the dark room. "I don't know anymore . . ."
He picked up the small razor lying next to him off the floor, wiping away at the dried blood and any remnants of dirt. He didn't want to risk getting an infection. 'And why not? I don't see why you torture yourself so much. Just end it already, infections lead to disease, and disease usually leads to death. Simplicity.'
"Because if I ever did die I would want to die from something better than dirt in my skin. That's almost as pathetic as dying unconsciously with your face in a three inch puddle, which is pretty damn sad."
'No, what is really sad is that you don't even realize that your talking to yourself. Your just talking to bare walls, no one is answering you, your merely answering yourself. I'm sure she would've though of you as insane if she saw you like this. Maybe that's why she up and left.'
"Maybe," the man said as his usually bright aqua eyes scanned the room. The 'thing' was correct, as he expected it to be, no one was in the room. No one was listening to him, he was talking to himself. His vapid eyes, half closed and half dazed, went back to the small still-bleeding cuts on his wrists and forearms. He twisted the razor in his fingers, admiring the way it seemed to glow in the rays of the moonlight that shined through the window. He pressed the razor blade into his pale skin, dragging it across until he could see blood beginning to pop up. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. These were the noises he heard over and over, not wanting to stop.
'It's my fault she left, it's all my fault. She would've never left if I had paid more attention to her. She wouldn't have thrown her ring at me, she would've never said those harsh things to me.'
"I'm sick of this! You love Eiri more than you love me, why the hell did you even ask me to marry you! It's over, find someone else to be here and wait for you!" she said as she tore the small gold ring of her finger, tossing it at him as it made contact with his shirt and fell at his feet. She grabbed the suitcase sitting near the door, walked out the door and slammed it behind her. The last thing he saw were her tear-filled eyes and locks of chestnut hair as she walked out the door.
'Those weren't harsh words, they were the truth, and you know it.'
"I know what she says was true, but I love Mika. It's all my fault, I made her upset. I messed up her life, just like I messed up Eiri's when he was in New York." The thoughtquickening the slicing of his arm. 'Just like I messed up Aizawa when I pushed him in front of the car." Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. "And when I reunited Nittle Grasper, I hurt Mr. Shindou, making him see that the time for idolizing was over and that Ryuichi Sakuma could no longer be his hero. I hurt so many people . . "
He stopped his rampant cutting as he noticed he was no longer sitting on the mahogany wood floor of his living room, but in a pool of blood. His blood. The blood that flowed from his wrists and forearms, staining the floor, his pants, his shirt and sleeves. He could feel his arms going totally numb, he loved the feeling. He felt somewhat separated from the world. He felt as if he had caused no one pain, he was at bliss. He smiled at the numbness, the tranquility as he was cut off from the world, from his body. After a few minutes the numbness went away, replaced by a burning pain that ran through his whole arm. He opened his eyes and desperately wanted to swallow a whole bottle of painkillers.
"Why did this have to happen to me?" he asked himself again. "Why did I have to cause so much grief onto people, mostly the people I love. Not counting Taki Aizawa, of coarse." His shoulders shook as sobs began to overtake his whole body, hot tears trickling down his cheeks. His platinum blonde hair falling in front of him like a curtain from the world. He brushed it away and picked himself up. He walked into the room he once shared with his wife and lay down onto the mattress, not bothering to cover himself with the white sheets. He lay his head on the pillow, grabbing the usually occupied one next to him and holding it tightly to his chest and face, breathing in the rose-like scent of his wife. "I'm so sorry, Mika . ." were his words as he cried himself into slumber.
Wake up,
Grab a brush and put a little (makeup),
Grab a brush and put a little,
Hide the scars to fade away the (shakeup)
Hide the scars to fade away the,
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table?
Here you go create another fable
The loud beeping if his alarm clock shattered his nightly bliss as he opened his aqua-colored eyes and winced as the sun's rays burned them. He pulled one of his arms free from the tangles of the bed sheets that wrapped around him as he slept, turning off the alarm black and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. The clock read 6:30 a.m., indicating he had to be at work in an hour. He got out of bed and stepped onto the cold, wooden floor, walking towards the bathroom. He locked the door behind him and stared at his reflection in the mirror, staring at his own bloodshot eyes and tangled hair. He looked awful and he knew it.
'I'd advise you to shower and wash away the blood on your arms before someone notices, you look like you've been through hell and back.'
"Shower, right," he mumbled to himself as he turned on the bath faucets, letting the bathroom fill with steam. He disrobed himself of his nightclothes and stepped into the shower. The water felt good against his cold skin, washing away some of his physical residue and worries. But like most things, the water couldn't wash away what he felt. Memories came back to him, what had happened and what he had done. He stared at the markings, tracing his fingers over the red markings, wincing at the mere touch. Tears fell down his cheeks, making his eyes hurt more than when he awoke. He furiously brushed them away, knowing it was idiotic to do, more tears came with each passing second. As he reached for the soap on the soap box, he saw it. 'It' was the razor he used to shave with. 'It' was his ticket to run his mind through.
'Do it, Tohma, you know you want to.'
The blonde didn't know what he wanted anymore, all he knew was that he wanted to escape. He snatched the razor from the soap box and threw it at the shower wall, listening to it smash and fall into the floor, watching as it broke apart and the razors stopped at his feet. Gingerly, he picked up the razors, tossing aside the plastic parts. Without any hesitation, only the voice repeating it's last message, he cut open his wounds again, moaning at the numb feeling as it approached and enveloped him. He made new markings, slashing the razor across his arms, legs, and torso. He wanted to stay there, watching as the water from the bath and his blood mixed, the feeling of his body as it went numb and the feel of the water dripping down his back. He stopping when the hot water ran out and he realized he'd be late to work. He dried himself off and walked back inside his room, reminding himself to clean up the living room floor and bathroom when he returned.
'Why clean up? Mika's not here so why bother keeping the house clean for her?'
'It didn't matter if Mika was there or not, he liked his house clean, and he certainly didn't want any guests seeing blood stains on the carpeting or floor, or on the bathroom tiles. It'd be a bitch to get out of the carpet that was for sure. He dressed in his black pants and violet red long-sleeved drawstrings shirt, slipping on his gray loafers and black trench coat as he combed his hair before putting on his black Quaker-like hat. Before he left he pulled a roll of bandages from a drawer and slid them into his suitcase as he left the house and got into his red sports car.
You wanted to,
Grab a brush and put a little makeup,
You wanted to,
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup,
You wanted to,
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table,
You wanted to,
"Ohiyo gozaimas, Mr. Seguchi" greeted the secretary.
"Ohiyo, to you too." Tohma nodded and took the elevator to the floor that held his office. As he got out he could hear the pink-haired genki vocalist of Bad Luck, Shuichi Shindou, sing out lyrics to "Blind Game Again," the verses ringing in the hallways that he couldn't help but over hear.
Blind Game Again kanari kireteru doll (Blind Game Again, Quite a worn-out crumpled doll)
itsumo demo kawaranai yoru o buchikowase (Shatter the eternally-unchanging nights)
zawameku kaze ni meguru raito ga (Amid the rustling wind, the light around me)
oto o tatete kioku tobasu kitto shiranu huzumonai yuwaku (makes a sound that slips through my memory. There's a temptation I certainly had)
kokoro o midasu kimi no beis ja nani mo nokosezu yoru no akeru (your pace, with your heart thrown into turmoil. The night where nothing can be helped)
mada mienu shuuchaka wa genkaku (It's yet-unseen conclusion is still an illusion)
Don't Let Me Down itsumo kobiteru dake (Don't Let Me Down, You're always just flirting)
Cry for the sun, nani mo mie yashinai (Cry for the sun, I can't see anything at all)
jibun no naka de dare ga sakebu? (Who is it that's screaming inside me?)
Blind Game Again kanari kimeteru doll (Blind Game Again, quite an indecisive doll)
todokanai yume naraitsu nugi sutero (If it's a dream that can't be reached, well, then-let's fling it away)
Drastic game again kanari kireteru doll (Drastic game again, quite a worn out, crumpled doll)
itsuma demo kawaranai yoru o buchikowase (Shatter the eternally-unchanging nights)
nagareru namida habikoru uso ni jibun o somete yume o nisu (These flowing tears have stained me with rampant lies and let my dreams escape)
sora ni mau haiiro no jountsu (ash-gray passion dances in the sky)
Don't Let Me Down kitto kitsu kyashinai (Don't Let Me Down, I'm sure you won't notice)
Cry for the sun kimi to kowaretai ze (Cry for the sun, I want to be broken with you)
subete o moyasu toki o tomeru (Let's stop time in the instant when we burn everything . . .)
Blind Game Again shiketa hitomi no doll (Blind Game Again, a misty-eyed doll)
imi no naku namida nagashika yoru ga akeru (The night when those meaningless tears flowed has passed for us)
Drastic Game again tomeidake no doll (Drastic Game again, a doll that only sighs)
dokoma demo kawaranai yoru o buchikowase (Shatter the nights that never change, no matter where)
Blind Game Again, kanari kimiteru doll (Blind Game Again, quite an indecisive doll)
todokanai yume naraitsu nugi sutero (if it's a dream that can't be reached, well, then-lets fling it away)
Drastic game again, kanari kireteru doll (Drastic game again, quite a worn-out, crumpled doll)
itsuma demo kawaranai yoru a buchikowase (Shatter the eternally-unchanging nights)
Tohma quickened his pace, wanting to get away from the hallway that rung with the lingers that stung. "Don't Let Me Down kitto kitsu kyashinai (Don't Let Me Down, I'm sure you won't notice.)" Could that have been what Mika felt when he didn't pay attention to her? "dokoma demo kawaranai yoru o bushikowase (Shatter the nights that never change, no matter where)" He wished he could've noticed earlier, he wished he could've stopped Mika. He would've changed for her, he loved her. "itsuma demo kawaranai yoru a bichikowase (Shatter the eternally-unchanging nights)" Had she been planning this for a long time? Leaving him, had she planned it?
"Most likely . . ." he whispered as he walked down the hall to his office.
"Excuse me, Mr. Seguchi?"
Tohma looked up to see the familiar black eyes framed by glasses, bangs of blue hair falling in front of the persons cinnamon-colored complexion. "Hello, Mr. Sakano."
"Mr. Seguchi, are you feeling okay? You look, pardon my saying but, a bit pale." stated the usually nervous producer.
"I'm fine, don't worry about it. Probably just a minor flu," Tohma said as he waved his hand, signaling it as a brush off and continued to walk to his office.
Tohma finally reached the all-too-familiar brown, unlocking it and walking inside, shutting the door behind himself. He staggered towards his desk and sat down, well, more like fell down into his chair. He felt pain riding up onto his legs, his eyes glazed over as he tried to focus. He saw blood trickling at the hem of his pants legs, staining thegray cloth to a wet spot. He cursed silently to himself, his wounds must've opened us, most likely the ones around his ankles. He opened his briefcase and pulled out the roll of bandages, cutting off pieces with his teeth. He tied a good amount around his ankles, which he was correct, were the ones bleeding.
He removed his trench coat, hanging it on the back of his chair as he decided to bind his other wounds as well. As he began rolling up his sleeves to mend the cuts on his arms, he heard a knock at the door. He opened a drawer and shoved the bandages and leftover pieces into it, slamming it shut and pulling his shirt sleeves over his wrists before announcing for the person to enter. It was Sakano, a cup of tea in one hand and a bottle of what looked like 'Tylenol' in the other.
"Mr. Sakano, what brings you here?"
"I've come to bring you tea sir, you look a bit ill, and I brought a few painkillers just in case you might need them."
"Arigato, Sakano-san. Please leave the whole bottle, if you don't mind."
Sakano looked a bit shocked, but left the bottle on the desk with the tea. "Also, I need to have Bad Luck's tour schedule, it's due today."
Tohma groaned to himself, he had forgotten to finish it last night, which was a first for the always-prepared president/keyboardist. "Gomen nosai, Sakano-san, it slipped my mind. I'll have it to you by the end of the day, that I can assure you of."
"Okay, have a good day Mr. President."
"As to you," Tohma said as Sakano left the door. Tohma sighed in relief, he didn't want anyone to know that he had cut himself, especially Sakano who seemed to worry about everything. He opened the drawer and pulled out the bandages, as he lifted them he saw what lied underneath them. A pencil sharpener, the razor blade gleaming in the light. Tohma's eyes shook as he stared at it. He wanted to use it, badly, he wanted the numb feeling to return to him. "Mika . . . "
I don't think you trust,
In, my, self righteous suicide,
I, cry, when angels deserve to die, Die,
Tohma dropped the bandages onto the floor, not watching as they rolled under his desk. He picked up the sharpener, stared at the blade. 'If I use it I could finish off everything, I wouldn't cause Mika anymore pain. I wouldn't cause anyone any pain. Mika deserves better, someone not so much like me. I . . . don't belong here."
Wake up,
Grab a brush and put a little (makeup),
Grab a brush and put a little,
Hide the scars to fade away the (shakeup)
Hide the scars to fade away the,
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table?
Here you go create another fable
Tohma used a pen to unscrew the tiny screw, the screw that held the blade inside the sharpener. The blade he would use. The blade he needed. The blade he wanted. Snap, the screw fell and rolled onto the carpeted floor. The blade easily slipped out of its plastic holder, falling onto Tohma's desk, shining from the sunlight that escaped Tohma's wall-sized office window. He rolled up the sleeves of his black shirt, looking at the scab marks that appeared over the previous cuts. His fingers picked up the blade, admiring it's beauty.
"This is for the best, I want Mika to be happy, and clearly, I'm not. I make her mad," he said as he pushed the razor's edge into his wrist, pushing it until he tore past the flesh and past the veins, slicing them apart. Blood was flowing steadily, soaking his rolled up sleeves and slowly dripping onto the front of his shirt. Blood stained his finger tips, but he didn't care.
"It's best for everyone that I'm gone, I just get in the way of everyone. If it wasn't for me, Mr. Shindou would probably have a better relationship with Yuki. If it wasn't for me, Yuki would've never gone to New York and met Kitazawa, he would've never have gone through what he did, he wouldn't be this person in pain today . . ."
Tears began welling up in his eyes, desperately trying to escape. He loved Eiri so much, it hurt him deeply over the years as he watched Eiri change from an innocent kid who dreamed of being a novelist, to a man who never wanted to get close to anyone, smoked like a chimney, had an attitude problem, and never wanted to have anyone special ever again, even Tohma. He couldn't stand it any longer, the tears fell from his once bright eyes, the two aqua eyes that now only held sorrow. The last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt Eiri, and that's exactly what he had done.
You wanted to,
Grab a brush and put a little makeup,
You wanted to,
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup,
You wanted to,
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table,
You wanted to,
I don't think you trust,
In, my, self righteous suicide,
I, cry, when angels deserve to die
In my, self righteous suicide,
I, cry, when angels deserve to die
"I'm sorry, Eiri . . . I deserve to die because of what I've done to you. I just hope you can forgive me." Tohma finally let himself out in one fatal cry, screaming as loud his voice would allow it. He could've sworn Buddha must've heard him, if not all of Japan. He stabbed the razor across his arms, tearing at the fabric, not caring that he was tearing apart his shirt. He stabbed at his stomach, using the razor like claws and scratching until the crimson fluid dripped and sleeked his thin body. He tore at his thighs and legs, ignoring the pain and the fact that the numbness suddenly didn't appear. 'I don't care anymore! I don't want to stay here anymore! I'm tired of being a burden onto others!' were the things that repeated themselves over and over in his mind. Was he going mad? Tohma thought so, all he could hear was the same questions being asked, no voice to answer them this time.
Father, Father, Father, Father,
Father/ Into your hands / I / commend my spirit,
Father, into your hands,
His eyes began to blur, all he could make out were his desk, the walls, and his weapon. He saw it gleam, his vision was leaving quickly though. He couldn't see the pool of blood that surrounded him, couldn't see the way his fingers twitched, couldn't see his skin going paler with each passing second. He couldn't hear the fists banging on the door, couldn't hear the voices screaming "Tohma! Are you alright? Mr. Seguchi, please answer!" He couldn't hear anything, he couldn't hear his own screams as they rang in his office. His vision to himself was gone, all around him was darkness, nothing but an abyss that he hoped would swallow him. Then he saw a door, the door to leave his life behind? He hoped so. He tried to stand up, then fell back against the floor, feeling his body throb in agony as blood began to stain where he lay. His muscles were dead, he had torn them up in his madness.
"No . . . I've come to far to give up now, I have to go . . ."
Using all the strength and energy he possessed in his small body, he picked himself up, trying to stand on his knees as they wobbled underneath him. Resting his burning right palm against the floor, he pushed all his weight on his hand and stood up, wincing in the pain that overtook him. He felt like puking up whatever lay inside him, felt like leaving his body behind. His eyes were half-closed, hallucinating the door to his freedom. The door swung open, not that he saw the people standing there, Sakano, Shuichi, his cousin, Suguru, and three other NG employees. He only saw the door to happiness open, wide open for him. Almost as if he were in a marathon, he sprung off his legs, not sure where he found the strength, and ran out the office, running as fast as hid legs could carry him down the hallway. He didn't notice the drops of crimson dripping behind him with each step, didn't notice people were staring, didn't hear people screaming or telling him to stop. What he did notice was the numb feeling he always loved, was back. Only, he didn't want it back.
'No . . . . . ' his mind was screaming.
Tohma collapsed onto the floor, not feeling the pain wracking through him because the numbness was finally back. 'I don't want it back,' he thought. 'Go away, I'm finally free, so leave.' No one heard him or responded to him. His vision was getting worse with the blood he lost.
Why have you forsaken me,
In your eyes forsaken me,
In your thoughts forsaken me,
In your heart forsaken, me oh,
"Somebody call an ambulance!" That sounded like Sakano, he noted. He guessed he wasn't gone yet. Through blurry eyes he saw something white and soft being rubbed against his face. A cloth? That's what it felt like. 'Only a matter of time,' he thought. Never in his life did he ever think he'd be doing this. Ever. He guessed he deserved it though. He ruined everyone's lives, everyone he ever met, even the innocent soul of Eiri Uesugi. But worst of all, he hurt the one person he never wanted to hurt. Mika Seguchi. Was still still Mrs. Seguchi? He guessed not. Then, he hurt the person he cared for most in the world, despite what he said one particular night to Mr. Aizawa. He loved Mika more than anything else in the world.
Trust in my self righteous suicide,
I, cry, when angels deserve to die,
In my self righteous suicide,
I, cry, when angels deserve to die.
"I'm sorry Mika . . . I'm so, so sorry. I love you . . ." were the last things that escaped his lips before darkness took over and he lost all feeling in his body, his mind slipping and he felt at peace. This was it. He was finally going to stop causing pain, he wasn't going to be a burden to anyone anymore, especially those he cared for. His last thoughts were 'I'm sorry . . . ' before he slipped from consciousness.
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Hey, what did you people think? Please review and tell me if you want a second chapter or not. Tohma's my favorite character so this was pretty damn hard to write, do you people think he should live or die if there is a second chapter? Personally, I vote no. But I want to hear your opinions first. That's all I have to say. -Invader Nicole