Title: Decay
Author: Shannon
Summary: They fear him now.
Spoilers: Up to Lost Boys. I'm unspoiled for The Hive, but it's probably AU after that.
Author's Notes: Thank you to Rinne, Margaret and Trin for beta-ing. Any mistakes are mine.
They fear him now.
Ever since he returned he's been Aiden Ford: Crazy Dude! Watch out! He'll eat you with his eyes closed. Never mind that he's clean now.
The talk doesn't bother him, not really. Atlantis without gossip would be like Butch without Sundance, Laurel without Hardy, like Pinky without Brain.
It's the silence that makes him toss at night. The way people freeze and conversations fade when he enters a room. The way people gaze at him, openly wondering if he can be trusted.
It's the way McKay's rapid mouth freezes mid-sentence, or Sheppard claps him hard on the back with a grin as big and fake as Pamela Anderson's breasts. Or the way Teyla – Teyla who had always seen through to Aiden – casts her eyes down whenever he smiles at her.
Not that he does that much anymore.
He sees them sometimes, with Ronon, when they pass in the halls or at a major briefing. Sometimes it's in the infirmary, or even the gateroom as they prepare to go offworld. He tries to avoid being there then.
Occasionally he'll see them in the mess, eating lunch at their table - the table where he used to sit too. He always stares at them for a few seconds, watching them laugh and tease and talk, before turning away. Then he heads to his table where he silently hopes that, hidden in the corner, he won't bother anyone.
He doesn't blame his teammates, and he isn't angry. A little hurt, maybe, that they couldn't get past this, but there's no blame.
They'd tried so hard at the beginning. Visits everyday as he was slowly weaned off the enzyme. Books and videos and football and letters from home. There were jokes and games and smiles and snuck-in food.
But it wasn't enough.
He doesn't blame them; he can't. They tried their hardest, it's just that everything he did as Super Ford was too much.
Sometimes he wonders whether, if Ronon hadn't been there, maybe they could've broken through the wall between them.
Then he shoves that thought aside. His teammates - former teammates - have a new team now. He doesn't want them to split, to have his friends lose their team like he had.
Other times he wonders if maybe he should go back to Earth. Dr Weir would say yes, he knows – she'd even broached the topic one afternoon when she found him on the north pier.
It would be nice to go home. He misses his family and his old friends.
But he'd be an outcast there too.
As a child he'd always thought it'd be cool to wear a patch and be a pirate. But now he knows different.
If the people on Atlantis – weird and wacky and wonderful Atlantis – can't stop flinching every time they see his face, how can he expect others to?
The fact is he can't. If the people on Atlantis are afraid of him, then the people back on Earth will be too. And he isn't sure he could handle a planet full of people running away.
The people of Atlantis fear him and the people of Earth will fear him. He has nowhere to go.
So he sits in his quarters, waiting for a rescue mission, for a time and place to prove himself.
Maybe if he's lucky, he'll die on that mission. And then he won't terrify his friends anymore.