Thank you for all the nice Reviews for 'Lost', I hope that there aren't too many mistakes in this Fic too… I'm still very nervous about posting in English :-)
Nothing belongs to me, even I wished I could have Danny right under my bed (or in it… :-)
I hope this is not too boring, because it is very similar to 'Lost'. it's not necessary a sequel but it's written in the same style. This means a depressive Oneshot again :-) Perhaps the next story is going to be a bit lighter (and longer...)
Aiden's POV, the beginning of Season two (and a little bit ofAiden/ Danny):
EMPTY
I wished he wouldn't look at me like that. I wished he wouldn't try to smile. I wished he wouldn't be so silent. I wished he wouldn't be so hopeless.
I wished everything were different.
I wished I could turn back the time.
In the past everything was so good. We were a perfect team, everyone said it. I watched out for him, he was my little brother, even if he was older than I. Something in him just yearned to be protected and I wanted to do that, I had the right to do it, even if I did a miserable job.
After Mac and Stella had that case concerning the Tanglewood boys he became so nervous. Everyone saw it. And after the Minhas-shooting I watched him fall apart. I wanted to put him back together. It was the only thing I wanted to do, the only thing I thought was important.
Other friends weren't important. The job wasn't important. Only him.
But I couldn't put him back together. I wanted to but didn't know how. It seemed he didn't even want to look at me anymore.
It was a horrible time, but now I know that it was not the worst. At least it got better between the two of us after a while. We started to talk again, started to be together again, started to form a different kind of relationship than before.
But now it's all over. And it's my fault, only mine.
I have been thinking about Danny for so long, I forgot how to do my job. And now that Danny doesn't need me watching all the time, I can't remember how to do it anymore.
I can't remember why I should do it, because the biggest jerks always get away.
So I decided to make a mistake, knew it was one even whenI did it.
I only wanted to help, only wanted to win for a chance. But I lost, more than I can say.
I've climbed so high with Danny. Every step of the ladder has been tough but I could already see the end – then I fell. Fast and deep. I haven't ever been so deep down as I am now. And Danny is still up there, I can see him looking down at me and soon he will reach the end without me.
And I can never reach it.
Sorrow, disappointment, pity.
Everyone looks at me like that but it's not bad, it's only bad when he does. And he does it. I didn't ever think that Danny could look like that. Of course I have seen him disappointed, but only in himself, never in someone else.
We were so good together, he trusted me with everything, with his heart. And even if I still hold it, he has taken everything else away; all that I have now, is an empty shell where his trust used to be.
I'm cleaning out my locker and it's painful. I've always loved to work here, beforeI began to forget how. To bring justice to where it was needed, to work with those people, my friends. But I don't think they are my friends anymore.
They will soon forget me and I will never forget. Never. Will never forget him, his smile and his laugher. I will never forget his eyes.
I hold my bag open and let all the things from my locker fall into it. I don't care if the bottles break or the shirts are crumpled or the Shampoo runs out. I don't care anymore, I wished I would though.
I close my bag and realize that everything I ever was, is stuffed into this small bag. Crumpled, torn, broken.
I was the job, I've never been anything else. I was the job, then I was Danny's partner. But now I'm nothing of those anymore and it doesn't even really hurt that much; there is nothing left that can hurt anymore. I emptied everything I was and put into this bag.
And nowI am empty myself.
I shoulder the bag and it feels strange to have my whole life upon my back. Very strange to walk out of the door and carry everything I am to the dumpster. As if I was Atlas who carried the whole world on his shoulders and had nothing for himself
But I am not. Atlas was strong and good. I am not. I can't carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, not even the weight of my own life.
Or Danny's.
He looks at me and I look at him when I walk out of the door, but he doesn't say a word. Perhaps he doesn't want to. I'd like to think he doesn't know what to say- well I don't know what to say either.
Only now that I've lost him, I see that he wasn't the only important thing, but it's too late now. Too late for the job, too late for my own life.
"Well-"
It's all I can say. He nods and tries to smile his wonderful smile, he can't.
I turn away. And know that it's probably the last time I ever see him.
I slowly walk until I come to the exit. I feel strange to walk out of this building and to know that I won't ever return. I look out and see so many people. At first it surprises me, because all I ever saw was Danny. But I can't see him anymore.
I walk out on the street and let all the noise wash over me. I let all the people carry away my concentration and all the colours wash out the black of my heart.
I can feel his eyes on the back of my head as I walk. But I don't dare to turn around. I don't dare to say how much I love him. Don't dare to do anything but grab my bag tighter and walk down the street.
Walk down the street, and out of my own life.
And I can still feel his eyes on me.
And I cry.
end. by Camlost