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"I know a lot about how people see me. I have many times wondered why you picked me as your nanny. Such an old woman who had a law degree in her home country. A woman with not much experience with children. You picked me because I'm safe. The biggest reason you picked me is that I'm not good looking and wouldn't be a threat to your husband. I'm fine with that. I've known all my life I'm safe, ugly, caring and a very nice person." Emma started before taking a little pause to continue. She had a lot to say and wanted her voice to be strong enough to say it all. Also it was very difficult for her to say this because it brought bad memories back.

"You're not ugly. You're a great person who I like a lot. I can confess that when you sent me your picture I did think about how you looked. Tony did too. I won't lie on that. We both talked to you on the phone, we liked the profile you wrote on the agency's website and the overall picture we got of you was great. That's why we hired you." Kate said defending herself a bit.

"I lost my virginity when I was 24 to a very fat guy in a car. Before last night it was the only time I had sex. I didn't enjoy it the first time and the second time wasn't better either. I hoped it would be but it wasn't. I never learned how to interact with guys and what love is. That is something I'll never learn." Emma said sadly. She had always felt that she lost out in life. Things which happened to everyone never happened to her especially the good things. For once she wanted to feel normal and not judge by her appearance. The internet was her safe haven and the kids were that too. They only cared how good she took care of them not how she looked like or the flaws she had in her personality.

"Wow…so that is what you did." Kate said feeling a bit embarrassed. Emma told her so much and maybe it was a bit too much she thought. This was personal and she knew she had overstepped her boundary. Emma looked at her and knew she had to explain much more to make her understand. She didn't want her to see her as a freak although many times she felt like one.

"It's only the beginning. Both times I had sex was because I knew I had to do it. I never thought I would lose my virginity. I was dead set on that and somehow that guy come a long. I've always done things which have been expected out of me. A woman in my age should have had sex several times and I didn't want to die a virgin or rather a woman like me shouldn't die a virgin. Yesterday I went to a bar to try to see if I had feelings in me. I feel that I'm numb. Like I will never ever be able to like or love someone. You should love your friends but I'm not sure I do. I know that it is important to have friends so the few I got I do my best to keep. You should love your family. I think I love my parents but I also think I hate them even more for everything they've put me and my siblings through. I want what is best for my siblings and maybe that means I love them too. I've always done what is right. Helped my parents, taken care of my siblings and helped them, gone to school and be nice. It just didn't make my life better. I always heard that if you graduate from university you get a good job and have a good life. My dad is black and from Jamaica and my mother white from Sweden. I'm a brown skinned woman, who is short, seen as a little fat and not worth much on the job market. My social skills are nil. The guy last night just was so drunk that he got the courage to ask me to follow him home. I said yes. I told him I had to get home early in the morning and he said that if I wanted some more action I could call. I won't call him…My breasts are so big that they make me look even uglier. I can't help they grew so much but I think the risks are too big so I don't want to go through with an operation to make them smaller. People thought when I was 13 that my then five year old sister was my daughter. So big were my breasts back then. I was then around 150 cm and now I'm 155 cm ( I think that is around 5 feet). It hurt a lot. It was so hard to find clothes which could fit because of breast and little overweight and if I found something it was too expensive so we couldn't afford to buy it. My mother always thought she was most important. My father was the same. When we had very little money we bought things for her and everyone else had to wait until the next pay check came. Ciggarettes came first, alcohol for the times they wanted to drink at home which was every other weekend was way more important to us, money for them to go out and have a good time was more important than money for us when we needed things like money for school trips or new clothes…I became very good with money early on in my life. I was the oldest child and if I didn't take responsibility then who would? Not my parents anyway! I wanted to save money and always thought about what I spent my money on. My siblings came first and I had to beg for money which I needed for something important and the next I had to give it to my siblings because I wanted them not to suffer like me…It was too late for me but I always hoped it wasn't too late for them. They suffered but not as much as me.

My mother then blamed me for only thinking about money and said that there shouldn't be a price tag in my head for everything we do or buy. I couldn't help but to think that way because I wanted food on the table the next day. I'm still thinking like that today. I taught my siblings the value of money and many other things. It was the hardest decision I could make to leave them all alone in Sweden. My brother recently got his own apartment. That is a big step for him because he has had a troubled life and we never thought he could handle living alone. My sisters moved into my apartment now that I'm here. If they hadn't somewhere to stay then I wouldn't have come. I couldn't let them stay one second at home with my parents while I was here. All three depend a lot on me. To me it feels like they are more my kids than siblings…My sisters are twins but not identical. People often want to know that." Emma told her before taking another break. It was mentally exhausting to tell Kate this and she felt how her eyes got teary but the tears hadn't become big enough to run down her face. Emma had learn to keep so much inside of her that she seldom cried and she knew she wouldn't this time either.

"Why did you come?" Kate wondered. She heard how her voice sounded sad and she wondered if she would burst into tears any second now.

"I don't want to die without doing this. I don't want people to see me as the woman who did nothing in her life. I know I will never get a boyfriend, never get married and maybe not even kids but I don't want to have lived in vain." Emma continued.

"I think you have a good life. What are you going to do when you come back home? Some dreams must you have." Kate asked her. This was a woman who didn't feel she had some purpose in life and Kate felt that every person on this earth had exactly that, a purpose in life.

"When I'm 30 I'm going to come back here to get a sperm donation and get inseminated since single woman can't do so in Sweden. My biggest dream has always been to get married and have four children. If I will at least have one I'm happy. I just want to leave something behind. Show people that I'm more than they think of me now. Raise my child much better than my parents ever did even if we will be poor and I'm a single mother. I took this job to prove to everyone I can take care of children, live in another country and try to conquer my fear of killing someone when I'm driving. I'm too caring that it stops me from learning how to drive…I also know that even telling people bits of my story they think it is too much and feel sorry for me. Just as you feel now. "Emma said to her. Emma was an expert on knowing how people may react especially on what she says.

She had so much love in her soul but never had she got the chance to really share it with someone or know how it feels to be really loved. Kate felt sorry for her even though that was what Emma didn't want her to feel like.

Kate thought it was a lot to take in.

"Isn't it good to have told one person?"

"Not if that makes people feel uneasy and sad. I hate making people feel sad. I know how bad it feels to feel unhappy…" Emma then said. She knew telling people would only maker her feel good for a little while and then everyone would be back to normal.

"You shouldn't think that way."

"Don't tell your husband. It's enough that you know." Emma pleaded.

…………………………A few hours later………………….

"Why does it feel so tense here?" Abby asked Kate.

"Emma finally opened up to me. She had a lot on her mind. I understand her better but she made me promise not to tell Tony." Kate explained.

"Isn't that hard? Couples shouldn't have secrets." Abby told her.

"I know. I told Emma that so she said I could tell Tony the short version of her story and Tony ok with that. Emma said I could tell you too. I'll tell you when it isn't so crazy here." Kate told Abby.