The Eve Of Redemption

By Tree

Sirius Black sat slumped in a chair by the fireplace, the only one in the common room at such a late hour. Around him lay the refuse from a gigantic New Year's Eve Party that had taken place in Gryffindor tower, with the entire house in attendance.

A half empty Butterbeer bottle stood on the side table next to him, and he took small sips from it occasionally as he watched the dying fire.

His body and mind were racked with guilt, his memory repeating the same scene over and over in his head. Yes, they had been half drunk, yes, they hadn't really done anything. At least, he thought so. His mind was all fuzzy…

He heard footsteps on the stairs and saw a flash of auburn hair out of the corner of his eye. "Sirius?" came the gentle voice of Lily Evans.

"Yes," he said gruffly, staring down at his feet. "What do you want?" the boy asked irritably.

She came and settled herself in a chair across from him, crossing her legs together as she reached for his hand.

He jerked it away, unwilling to look at her. "I asked, what do you want?" Sirius said sharply, the alcohol and his roiling emotions making him angry.

"We need to talk about what happened earlier tonight." Lily said bluntly, but still managing to say it in a tactful way. "I know that you're hurting because of it, you didn't go back to the dorm when everyone else did and you're just sitting there now. Sirius, we have to discuss this. If we don't, someone, probably everyone, is going to get hurt."

"So what?" he asked insolently. "Why should I give a damn about 'everyone else', Lily? Why is it any of my business?" Sirius knew he was being unreasonable, but he didn't really care anymore. He was angry and hurt and disgusted with himself. Lily had no right to be bothering him at two o'clock in the morning. Why couldn't she just leave him alone, anyway? Why couldn't she let him solve his own problems? Why did she always have to try to make things right? Stupid girls and their touchy-feelingness.

"Sirius," she said with a gentle calmness that infuriated him. "It's your business because you and I caused this mess and we have to fix it. I know you're upset and angry and I understand that. But we have to work something out before James tries to kill you or Remus gets his heart broken."

"Why?" he repeated, unwilling to grasp the responsibility he had for his actions. "If I'm always hurting someone I care about, why should I even bother to try and fix what I do? I can't just keep on controlling myself every single second, Lily! I'm human too, you know!" Sirius felt ashamed of himself. Ashamed of shouting at Lily, ashamed of being so selfish, ashamed at betraying his best friend's trust.

Lily bit her lip, hurt by Sirius's furious words. "I know, Sirius. It's hard for you, and I understand that. But yelling at me when you're angry with yourself isn't going to solve anything. It'll just make things harder." She took a deep breath, readying herself for what she was about to say. "Sirius, what happened before wasn't a bad thing. But it wasn't a good one either. It also wasn't a rational one. Let's face it, we were drunk. We're probably still drunk now," the girl laughed slightly. Her face suddenly turned serious. "Sirius, I care about you but I also care about James and Remus. They won't take this well, and you know it." She took his hand and stroked it lightly.

Sirius looked up at her, his mind slowly registering what she told him. "I know that, Lily. But I just can't help it. Believe me, I don't want either of them getting hurt. Especially James, since I don't fancy being murdered in my bed," he smiled wryly.

Lily laughed slightly. "No, I'm sure you don't. But frankly, the problem isn't so much James as it is Remus. He saw what happened, James didn't. Sirius," she sighed heavily and took his hand. "I do love you, but not in the way I think you want me to. I don't love you the way I love James, that's true. But that doesn't mean I love you any less. It's just that it's more of a friend love, or a sisterly love than love love. Please tell me you understand, because I can't stand having you angry at me," Lily pleaded quietly, her hand involuntarily squeezing his.

Sirius sat there quietly, going over what she had said in his mind. He squeezed her hand back and smiled at her, an open, pure smile free of sarcasm or hurt. "I do understand that," he said slowly. "I just hope that they will." Sirius didn't elaborate, or try to explain. He knew she would understand, and she did.

Lily just squeezed his hand and smiled back at him, a wordless acceptance passing between them. Both of them knew that they would have to explain certain things and that there would be more talks, many more, in the future. But Sirius didn't care, because now he understood and now he no longer felt guilty, he just felt clean. After all, it was the Eve of Redemption.

The End