September 9
Draco sat down at his desk and pulled out a piece of parchment, ink, and a quill. He had something to write. Something to let out. He had a lot to say. All because of one person.
Harry,
I have never been this confused in my life.
There are too many thoughts, too many.
First off, why? Why did you do it, why did you kiss me.
What did it mean?
Will it happen again?
Did you want it to happen?
What does it mean?
What do I want it to mean?
Why did I kiss you back?
Do . . . do I like you?
NO! I don't want to think about that.
I don't want to know until I know what you feel.
But if I do like you and you do like me what's going to happen?
Will we date?
Will we be friends wih benefits?
Will nothing happen because of what we are?
If we date what will happen when we break up, if we break up?
Will is be a long term serious relationship, a short term fling?
Will you change me? Will you help me?
Will I love again because of you?
Do I love you now?
Argh. I don't know.
We kissed, but you acted so normal afterward.
What if you think it never should have happened, Gods I do.
I Wouldn't have to be doing this.
I wouldn't have to worry about anything.
I wouldn't be so depended on what you thought or have to worry about wither or not you like me.
Would I - . . . would I be worried about that if I didn't like you?
NO! I'm not thinking about that. I don't what to know.
But if you like me, if you want to be with me, I don't think I regret it. I don't regret it at all.
That definently means I like you doesn't it?
I think I have for a while.
I think I have for a really long while.
I just didn't want to know.
I still don't. I really don't.
It all depends on you.
On how you feel.
I hate depending on other people. I hate needing other people.
I hate you because you matter.
But if I could chose anyone that would matter to me this much it would be you.
Maybe that's why you do.
I made you stop. I made you not matter that much.
After that night.
Do you remember the night? I left you there stranded.
I thought you'd hate me. I was so scared that you would never talk to me again.
It was the wierdest thing I have ever felt.
I didn't want to sleep or to stay awake. I didn't want to do anything or to do nothing.
But most importantly I didn't want to hurt.
I always wanted to hurt, but not that night.
It wouldn't help.
For the first time the pain wouldn't help.
That was something I hadn't felt in years.
And ever since that night I haven't craved the pain.
I told you that you fixed, but never how.
That is how. You gave me something so emotionally painful that the physical pain wouldn't fix it.
After that night I made you not matter and until that night when you kissed me it worked.
But here I am again needing you.
I hate you for it.
Expect that I don't.
I want to hate you for making me need you, but I don't think I can.
Will you hate me for needing you?
Draco
Draco put away the ink and quill before standing up with the letter in hand. Slowly Draco walked over to the fire place, gentlely folding the letter as he went. Once he reached his destination he knelt down. With the warmth of the fire beating against him, Draco took once last glance at the letter in his hand. The blonde took a deep breath, releasing the last of his anxieties. The letter burned quickly turning to ash as Draco wiped the last tear off his face.