1417 Hours, New Mombassa

"Shake it off Marines! Clear the crash sight, GO, GO, GO!" Sgt. Johnson grabbed his sniper rifle and hopped off the down pelican. The Master Chief was in front of him, still shaking off the effects of the crash.

'What a fucking pansy' the Sgt. thought as he charged ahead. His marines were waiting by the exit. The one taking point held up a single finger letting the Sgt. know an enemy was around the corner. The sergeant peeked his head around the corner and saw a single grunt guarding the exit.

"What are you waiting for, soldier? It's a SINGLE grunt. Go pwn his ass!"

"Pwn, sir?" the marine asked. Johnson let out a long sigh.

"Like this" Johnson slung his rife over his back and charged down the hallway. The grunt turned his head and saw Johnson running toward him. He lifted his plasma pistol, but before he could fire, Johnson ripped off the grunts gas mask and punched him in the face. The grunt drowned in his own purple blood.

The Sergeant walked back to where his dumbfounded troops were standing. "See? Pwned." Johnson walked past his troops and over to where the Master Chief was still standing. "Very funny Cortana… now turn him back on."

"I didn't do anything Sergeant. The Chief doesn't seem to be moving."

"Well what the hell could be wrong with him?" The sergeant took off his hat and scratched his head. After a few seconds, the Master Chief started examining his gun. "You are fucking kidding me! Cortana, the master chief is inactive."

"What? Who starts up campaign mode and then doesn't play?"

The sergeant placed his hat back on his head. "Well, I guess I'll just have to beat this level myself."

"But, Sergeant, you're not even in HALF this level."

Johnson then proceeded to randomly shoot a single shoot out of his sniper into the air, which killed all three of his allies. "I'm moddin, bitch! Now sit tight, this will only take about a couple chapters."

Sgt. Johnson grabbed one of the dead marines grenades and threw it on the ground. Before it exploded, he jumped and was propelled into the air. While in the air, he looked down at the entire Covenant invasion. "Auto reload + Auto aim (7 shots later)"

Kilimanjaro!

Sgt. Johnson fell back to earth landing on a half-dead jackal. He took care of the 'half' part.

A marine's voice came over the radio: "My girls a little big for that courtyard Sergeant. I see a good LZ…Sergeant, where did you get that rocket launcher?"

"Eat it, bitch." Johnson sent the rocket flying into the unsuspecting marine's pelican, killing him and his crew instantly. Johnson watched as the pelican went spiraling towards the ground. The doors leading out of the courtyard burst open and two Hunters walked through. Upon taking two steps after they spawned they were crushed by a falling pelican, giving Johnson a splatter medal as well as a double kill.

"That little shit must have started the game on easy. Well I guess we won the war."

Checkpoint…

Johnson walked down a long, dark alley. Dumpsters, ammo, and dead marines were all around him. The alley led into a large open area where it appeared that the highway had collapsed. Johnson strolled into the center holding his sniper RVB style.

ZAP!

Seven jackals simultaneously shot his head. "Thanks. Now I know where you are." Johnson fired seven shots from his rifle, giving him his first Kilimanjaro of the chapter. As the rest of the Covenant in the vicinity proceeded to run for there lives (Which were ended shortly after they gave away there positions) Cortana came on the radio.

"Sergeant, I need you on that bird!"

Johnson looked back to where he had blown up the 'bird' Cortana was speaking of. "Bitch, what the hell are you talkin' 'bout?"

"I'm going to start lifting armored reinforcements into the city. There going to need a pilot who's not afraid of a little 'hostel ground fire'"

"Are you done yet?"

"Yeah, sorry. I can't skip the scripted dialog."

"Whatever. How much farther is it?"

"There's a group of marines in the next parking lot. There the same marines that no-scoped a jackal, and then noob-comboed an elite."

Sergeant Johnson wiped a tear from his eye. "I'm so proud of those boys…" When Johnson finished wiping the tears of joy from his eyes, he noticed something shimmering from inside a collapsed building. "No way…" Johnson placed all his remaining grenades on the ground, pulled all there pins and jumped.

The four marines were hiding behind a wall trying to avoid the Covenant's plasma fire. They were formulating a plan were about to execute it when the firing suddenly stopped.

"What the hell?" The commanding officer looked to where the Covenant's suppressive fire had been coming from. Standing over a dead Elite was Sergeant Johnson, holding an energy sword.

"Sir! Were glad you could make it," The marine saluted his superior.

Johnson walked over to the marine. "Soldier, is that a sniper rifle in your hands?"

"Um… yes sir."

"Then tell me, why didn't you charge that plasma turret, jam the barrel of your rifle down that Covenants throat, and shoot him till you ran out of your unlimited bullets?"

"…because Sir, there was no part of that sentence that was physically possible."

"Physically possible?" Johnson ripped the marine's skull from out of his own head, causing a bright light to fill the screen,

BADASS

"That wasn't 'physically possible' either, but did it stop me?" The marines lifeless body fell to the ground with a look of shock still etched into his features. Johnson then threw the man's skull a grunt that was 100 meters away, giving him both a beat-down and snipe medal. The sergeant strolled over to where the other marines were waiting/pissing there pants.

"Come on marines, the core's not payin us by the hour!" Johnson walked passed them and down a slightly dark hall way that he could see clearly down until a message popped up in the middle of his screen telling him to turn his flashlight on. After it faded away the sergeant saw two Covenant elites turn the corner, and charge him, plasma blazing. Johnson pulled out his energy sword and was about to get the easiest double kill of his life, when he noticed something behind the Elites.

One by one TWELVE helpless, easy to kill, in-no-way-endangering-the-human-race grunts came around the corner. Some of them didn't even have weapons. Sergeant Johnson looked at the grunts, then at his sword. Grunts, sword.

"Thank you, Jesus." Johnson walked past the two Elites and proceded to go on one of the longest, bloodiest, most unnecessary 'Grunt-cuttin' sprees ever. The Elites watched with admiration and after the final grunt was dead, applauded the Sergeant.

Checkpoint…

With the two elite's backs turned, the other marines sneaked up behind them. They were about to assassinate them, when Sergeant Johnson decided he still wanted the easiest double kill ever.

"Sir! Why did you do that? We were about to assassinate them!"

Sergeant Johnson turned to the soldier, a look of hatred on his face, "Stop medal hunting!" Johnson then noticed that he had enough energy in his sword for one more kill. With one slash of his sword, he stole the insubordinate marine's gun/life/girl-friend.

Some where in Oklahoma…

"Boy I sure can't wait for Sgt. Johnson to get back from the war."

"Sweety," The girl's mother said, over hearing her daydream, "Don't you mean your boy friend?"

"That's who I'm talking about!"

Back in New Mombassa…

"Boy, I hope that bitch I just stole isn't ugly." Sgt. Johnson picked up the dead man's sniper and walked to where his ride was waiting.

Sgt. Johnson's ride was a gold plated, civilian style warthog, with turbo, rapid fire wraith turrets, and when it flipped over, it said 'Press X to flip your mom'.

"Dude, I think he's modding." The incredibly stupid marine was suddenly crushed by a banshee.

The Sergeant holstered his side arm and looked at his beautiful new car. Again, he started crying tears of joy at the thought of just how many Covenant he could kill.

"Which is why I must destroy it." The Sergeant shot the Hog with sniper bullets until it exploded. Many of the shoots ricochet and killed his allies, and the explosion killed what was left. "Covenant + Easy to kill NO FUN!"

Sgt. Johnson proceeded to run at super-fast-obviously-modding speed to the nearest Covenant.

Several minuets of unnecessarily bloody Covenant slaying later…

"See Cortana. I told you it wouldn't take that long to beat this level. That was, what, 3 chapters?"

"Sergeant, I have some bad news. As soon as you beat this level, the next one is just going to start. The only way to end this is if you beat the ENTIRE game!"

"So you're saying that I am going to be forced to kill more Covenant?"

"Yes Sergeant."

"So what's the bad news?" Sergeant Johnson stepped over the barrier, thus ending the level, and starting the next.

Sergeant Johnson strolled out of the tunnel and found two marines left in the wake of a scarab.

"Where's the rest of your platoon?"

"Wasted Sarge." A young female marine said who was clearly interested in the sergeant.

"And we will be to Sir, if we don't get the hell out of here!"

Johnson put a hand on the soldiers shoulder, stopping him from leaving. "Are you hit, marine?"

"N-no sir…"

"Then shut the fuck up! Since some nimrod left the Chief inactive I'm going to drive your lazy asses across this bridge, some how get past a huge Covenant roadblock, travel through covenant infested tunnels, get pass a dozen sniping jackals, another road block, 3-4 wraiths, then manage to blow up a scarab that so far, nothing has been able to destroy. Any questions?"

The male soldier raised his hand. "Sir, are you aware that nothing you just said is possible?"

"Boy, don't make me get the BADASS skull. Now get in the Hog! Private you're in the back and the lady is sittin' next to me."

"But sir, I have rocks and would be much more effective if I was in the front!"

"Private! Does your opinion matter to me at all?"

"Sir, those are facts, not opinions"

"Do facts matter to me?"

The private paused for a second "Sir, no sir!"

"Then get in the back!"

The three got in the hog, the private on turret, the chick in shotgun, And Johnson driving.

Checkpoint…