Here is the long awaited finale to my Halo story. I woud usually lie about why it took so long to update, but I was just lazy. any ways, Enjoy.
Sgt. Johnson sat down in one of the seats in the Pelican. He was confused as fuck as to A. how the events that just occurred involving that enemy Elite were able to take place in the notoriously small space inside of the Pelican, and B. Why the FUCK they were in outer space. It was as if the author had forgotten that they were on Delta Halo and assumed they were still on earth because he hadn't read ANY of the previous chapters. It could also be assumed that he was a bastard and an asshole for RUINING my story. But any ways.
"Well, for some reason we decided to go into space" Sgt. Johnson said too the others onboard, "so I guess we had a good reason too." He looked around at everyone's blank faces. "What? Didn't we have a reason for going into space?"
"I thought we were still on earth," Jimmie said scratching his head.
"You dumb ass," Ck said, looking angrily at Jimmie, "we were obviously on Delta Halo. Weren't you there for the previous 7 chapters?"
"Oh yeah, I must be a dumb ass! Good thing I didn't assume this for a Fan Fiction and totally ruin the story."
"Yes, lets all be thankful you weren't that dumb." Lt. Keyes said, making it obvious how mad the author was at Neo. "Hey, who's flying the pelican right now?" she asked.
There were so many continuity flaws in the story already that no one bothered to answer her. She was pissed off by this, but again, no one cared.
"Since were in space and some how have a warp drive," Sgt. Johnson began, "plus we were able to find out where the Covenant home world is from that Elite we interrogated/pwned, I guess we should go there."
While it made absolutely no sense for only four people to go and take on the entire Covenant home world, the author was clearly running out of ideas for shit to do, and quite frankly, would rather be writing his BBxRae fan fiction than this piece of shit, so a quick end to this story would be nice.
The two prophets we sitting at a table along with three gold Elites having a heated debate.
"This is outrageous!" one of the gold elites exclaimed, slamming his fist down on the table, "How dare you replace the royal guards with these Brutes!"
"Careful commander," the prophet Truth said, raising a hand to calm the Elite down, "What you speak is heresy."
"Then so be it!" The Elite said getting to his feat, "If we will not be given the respect we deserve, than we will disband from the Covenant!"
"Yes!" the second Gold Elite said getting to his feat as well, "The only thing that could prevent a civil war now would be if the enemy was to suddenly come crashing to our home world wishing to 'Pwn' us all."
The third Elite got to his feat, "And what are the odds of that?" he scoffed.
Suddenly a blue clad Elite came in, "Sir," the Elite said, "We just received a distress signal…"
The Pelican entered the atmosphere and began cruising above the various Covenant installations.
"Where should we land?" Keyes asked, looking at the three soldiers eager to pwn some Covenant scum.
"Over there," The Sgt. said, pointing to a large metallic dome.
Keys set the ship down a few yards from the massive structure. Upon landing the four disembarked, Johnson with his signature sniper rifle, Keys with dual SMGs, Jimmie with his rocket launcher, and CK unarmed and the most lethal. They walked over to the large structure's door, next to which was a sign written in an alien language.
"Keys, translate what that sign says." Sgt. Johnson ordered the superior officer.
The Lieutenant holstered her two guns and checked her translator. "The sign says: 'Grunt Infirmary.'" she said.
Everyone looked at the Sgt., who had been stunned into silence. His mouth was hanging open. His eyes had gone wide. After a few seconds, he said "you- your telling me… that this building is full of harmless, un-armed, half-dead Grunts?"
"Y-yes," the Lt. stuttered, staring at Johnson's massive erection.
Johnson looked down at his rifle, "This is weighing me down!" he yelled, throwing his sniper on the ground. Johnson charged forward, and immediately after he entered the building, the sounds of grunts crying for mercy and screaming in pain could be heard from inside. Even Craka Smaka was inspired by this display of racial genocide.
The blue Elite continued, "We received a transition from the Grunt Infirmary that an intruder had entered the building and began Grunt Cuttin'."
The Gold Elite let out a sigh of relief, "Whew, you had me worried. So, it's just some Elite that got bored. What's the big deal?"
"But it's not an Elite, Sir!" the Elite exclaimed, "We've gotten confirmed reports that there's a human in there killing the grunts. We also have gotten reports that the human keeps yelling about how he's gust getting started and that he's going to Pwn all the Covenant! But it's hard to hear him over the screams of pain and sounds of collapsing skulls coming from the background," All the Elites got a frightened look.
The Prophet Truth merely smiled, "So it seems that we must band together if we are to defeat these enemies," he said.
The Elites turned to the Prophet and in unison yelled, "Fuck that!" In the blink of an eye, almost every Elite on the planet had fled.
The Prophet sat there stunned at this show of cowardice/inelegance, "Shit."
"He's probably going to be awhile," Keys said, still half shocked and half turned-on by Johnson's actions. She turned toward CK and Jimmie, "Why don't we split up, you two go and try to find the Prophets and kill them. I'll stay with Johnson and have sex with him." Keys didn't even try to hide her intentions.
"That's a horrible plan," Jimmie said angrily, "but I guess we've go nothing better to do…" CK and Jimmy walked off towards what looked like a giant Holy building. "You know CK, Johnson acts a lot like you…"
"Yeah, I know," CK said, "I'm like his great granddad or somethin',"
"Wow, seriously?"
"Yeah, remember? You were there. It was that time when I stole your car and drove off with that chick who's name I can't remember."
Jimmie stopped dead in his tracks, amazed and ashamed at how little that narrowed it down.
Tarturus stood in front of a legion of his bravest and strongest Brutes. Each one was armed to the teeth with weapons, some literally.
"Listen up!" Tarturus yelled, "The cowardly Elites have fled our home world, so it is up to us to eradicate this new enemy that has so stupidly landed here." A triumphant roar went up from the Brutes. "Now go, and exterminate all the arrogant humans on this planet and after words we shall hunt down every remaining Elite traitor still on the planet!" Another roar went up as the Brutes pilled into the Phantoms.
Fari' Kianall, one of the few Elites still on the planet that had not been captured, was hiding behind a weapon storage container inside the hanger. She had overheard Tartarus' speech, and knew she had to find a way off the planet, or she would surly die.
Fari' got a smile on her face, "The enemy of my enemy…" she said, sneaking off into the shadows.
Sgt. Johnson waded through the knee-deep Grunt blood and gore that had accumulated on the floor. A smile of pure bliss was on his face. Johnson walked out of the infirmary, wondering if he could be any more badass.
"Oh, Johnson!" Keys called out, waving at Johnson.
Johnson walked over to Keys with an angry look on his face, "Bitch, why ain't you be naked!"
"Wha-What?" Keys asked, nervously.
"Nakedness, you ain't got enough of it!" Lt. Keys was stunned into silence by Johnson's lack of foreplay. She began to take off her clothes. "Bitch, there's no time for that now! I gots to go kill Covenant!" Keys stopped in mid-strip and again was stunned into silence.
"So, what are we gonna do?" Keys asked.
Johnson looked over at a nearby Ghost, "Both."
"You know what I just realized, CK?" Jimmie asked, reloading his rocket launcher. Smaka grabbed one of the dead Jackal's limbs as it flew through the air. It was instantly turned into a Hellsing style gun, and then was used to end a second Jackal's life.
"What's that, Jimmie?" Ck said, doing… I dunno, somethin' badass.
"In this entire story, you didn't once bang some chick and forget her name." Jimmie said, firing another rocket into a group of Jackals. "What's up with that?"
"I did," CK answered, "It was just way too graphic to appear in this story."
"Wha! This story's rated 'M'!" Jimmie said, stating the obvious, "What could you have possibly done that would be considered too graphic for 'M'?"
"This coming from the guy who drank vagina blood…"
"Dude! No one is going to catch that reference!" Jimmie launched another rocket.
CK grabbed another Jackal limb from the air and turned it into a clip. He slammed the clip into his gun and continued mowing down Jackals. "No ones going to get half the references in this story! I mean, does anyone know who Craka Smaka is? Or Jimmie for that matter? Or does anyone understand that some asshole hijacked the authors account and fucked up the story? HELL NO! But that is in no way going to stop the author from making references to it. Plus, it makes for great filler and scene transitions."
Gorgon, the most seasoned of all the veteran Brutes, stood along side his fellow warriors, preparing for the enemy's arrival. A report had just come threw that an unaccounted for Ghost was headed at top speed toward there location. Gorgon loaded a clip of grenades into his bruteshot, just as he had done in countless battles before. The Brutes at his side did the same. Nothing was going to get past this blockade.
In the distant horizon, Gorgon saw a small dust cloud forming. He pulled out his binoculars to get a better look. "…what are those two doing on that Ghost?"
A bullet flew through the lens of the binoculars, and continued through Gorgon's skull. A few seconds later, the sound of someone yelling 'no scope' could be heard.
Fari' watched as the two human warriors walked over the bodies of the toughest Jackal fighting force the Covenant had. The skilled snipers of the 101st Jackal brigade had mowed down herds of Hunters during their taming. And these two humans had obliterated them in a matter of minuets.
"If anyone can help me, it's those two."
Fari' hid behind a bush and awaited the warriors to approach. Before she could reveal herself, five wraiths drove over the nearby hill and opened fire. Craka Smaka stole his own absence of ownership of a warthog and transformed it into a warthog. That last sentence made no sense. Before Craka Smaka drove off, Jimmie yelled, "Dude, where you going? We can easily beat these guys!" Craka Smaka drove off yelling something about a plot twist. "Well that sucks…"
Jimmie fired two rockets at the nearest wraith and jumped out of the way of several wraith shots. The explosion sent him flying through the air and rolling across the ground, behind a nearby bush. The last thing Jimmie saw before passing out was a surprised Elite.
Lt. Keys was impressed, to say the least. Not only did Johnson 'no scope' an entire legion of Brutes while driving a ghost, but he did it while bangin the fuck outa her. A feat this badass had never been performed in all of history. Except maybe in that one other Halo/Craka Smaka crossover. There was some badass stuff in that story. 'Our ability to fly. It's… it's gone!' Holy shit that was awesome…
Johnson and Keys walked through the streets of the Holy city. All the civilians had long since been evacuated, and only what little of the Military personnel that remained had set up a perimeter around the Prophet's cathedral. The streets were desolate, and the only sounds were the two sets of footsteps coming from the Marines. A few hundred yards away from the cathedral, Lt. Keys stopped.
"Johnson, wait." Keys said stopping in her tracks. "If we get any closer they'll spot us."
"So?" Johnson said, still walking.
"Sooo, some of us aren't immortal."
Johnson stopped and sighed, "Fine. I guess I could pick off a couple from on top of this roof," he said pointing a thumb to the building next to him, "then will charge in there blindly."
Johnson and Keys climbed to the top of the building. Johnson set up his rifle and looked through the scope. A perimeter of Brutes, Jackals and a few Wraith tanks stood between them and the end to this war.
"What do you see?" Keys asked, curious.
"Take a look for yourself," Johnson said, ripping the scope off his sniper. He handed the scope to a shocked Keys.
"Johnson… isn't the scope essential to effective sniping?"
Johnson got angry as hell, "Bitch, I've killed people for saying such blasphemy." Johnson looked back toward his enemy and fired off four shots. A split second later, five brutes fell down dead.
"Holy shit!" Keys exclaimed, looking through the scope, "How did you do that? They were wearing helmets…"
"There's a reason they give me the sniper," Johnson said, slamming another clip into the rifle.
Grayom was in command of the Brute infantry guarding the south side of the cathedral. He watched, as if in slow motion, five of his Brutes collapse onto the ground, chunks of their skulls missing. A split second later, he heard the sound of four shots.
"Sniper!" he shouted, "Everyone take cover!" The other Brutes did as ordered, ducking behind wraiths and weapons storage units. The Jackals were already crouching behind there shields. Grayom ducked behind a nearby communications tower. He grabbed the receiver and called for air support, "We got a sniper picking us off!" he yelled into the mic, "Request air support, quickly!" Grayom got a confirmation and hung up the receiver.
The next sound that was heard was the sound of a bullet ricocheting of a nearby wall, then the sound of Grayom's brains splashing to the ground, then the sound of the sniper shot, then the sound of someone yelling 'no scope'.
"Nice shot!" keys yelled, confirming another kill through the detached sniper scope. Johnson ignored her enthusiasm and loaded another clip into his rifle. "Hey, how come you never seem to run out of ammo?" Keys asked.
"It's called the Unified Theory of Badassery," Johnson explained, "'if someone who is badass requires something to be badass, then the person will always have it, for the badass can not cease to be badass.' I mean, would I be as badass as I am now if I ran out of ammo? Hell no. Therefore I will never run out." Keys gave him a confused look. "What didn't you learn all this in your high school badassery class?" Keys gave Johnson an even more confused look. "Oh, right. You're white…"
Keys didn't have time to be offended by this because just then three banshees opened fire on them. Lt. Keyes and Sgt. Johnson both rolled out of the way of the fire. Keys drew her two SMGs and opened fire on the nearest Banshee. The banshee tried to pull up, but Keys was able to unload both clips into the banshee. Both the Banshee's wings blew off and the aircraft went plummeting into the streets below.
"Don't waist ammo like that!" Johnson yelled at Keys, "This a war, son!" Keys fire a single shot from his riffle at the second Banshee. Before keys could tell Johnson that Banshees are completely unaffected by sniper shots, the Banshee exploded.
"Holy Linda, Johnson! That was amazing!" Keys said, astonished. Johnson aimed his rifle at the last Banshee, "Wait!" Keys cried stopping Johnson from pulling the trigger, "I think I'm starting to understand all this 'badass' stuff." Keys dropped her two SMGs to the ground, "leave the last one for me."
The final Banshee dove down towards Keys firing its main gun. Keys easily dodged the blue plasma and got into position. As the Banshee pulled up from its nosedive, Keys jumped and grabbed onto the Banshee's wing. The Banshee flew up into the air in an attempt to shake loose Keys, but it was too late. Keys popped open the hatch, threw the massive brute out of the cockpit, and sent him falling to his death. At least he would have fallen to his death, had Johnson not no scoped him in mid air. Keys climbed into the cockpit and flew off towards the cathedral.
"I'll meet you at the cathedral, Johnson," Keys said over the intercom, "I'm going to go take care of the Wraiths."
Johnson wiped a tear from his eye, "I'm so proud…"
Just then, Johnson heard a honking sound come from the streets below. He looked over the side of the roof and saw CK in the driver seat of a warthog. Johnson jumped off the roof and landed in the side seat of the warthog. Words were not needed. Their badassery was understood.
Jimmie awoke staring into the coal black eyes of an Elite. Jimmie wanted to run, but the Elite pinned him down. So he did the next best thing,
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Jimmie screamed at the top of his lungs. The Elite got startled and took a step back, giving Jimmie enough room to get up. Jimmie made a bolt for the door.
"Wait!" the Elite yelled, stopping Jimmie in his tracks. Unless Jimmie was mistaken, that was a female's voice.
"Wha-What?" Jimmie sputtered.
"I… I need your help," the Elite sounded almost embarrassed. Jimmie instantly regained his confidence.
"Oh, baby. Don't be scarred." Jimmie cooed.
"I never said I was scared…" The Elite said confused.
"What's your name, baby?"
"Ah… Fari'…"
"Fari', Jimmie's goona teach you all you need to know."
Fari' just stood there stunned as Jimmie began to take off his pants.
Tarturus walked into the Prophet's chamber, prepared to deliver the badnews.
"Prophet Truth, the last of the Covenant has fallen to these invaders." Tarturus said, hanging his head, "I am all that is left of our once great Covenant."
"We have seen darker times, Tarturus." The prophet said, giving what was sure to be his last sermon, "We will continue to fight, and these invaders will be defeated!"
Keys, Johnson, and CK walked past the flaming shells of once powerful Wraiths and stepped over the bodies of what was once the feared Covenant. The three warriors walked up to the cathedral's entrance, causing the automatic door to open. It revealed a long, dark passageway. At the end of that tunnel, was the end to this war.
Jimmie zipped up his pants, a big smile on his face. He lifted his rocket launcher over his shoulder and walked out the door. It opened up to reveal a long tunnel going down his left and right. Jimmie heard the sound of footsteps coming from one end of the tunnel.
"Fari', something's coming from down the tunnel." Jimmie said, cautiously walking down the dark tunnel. Fari' was right behind him with a confused look on her face.
"What just happened?" Fari' asked, bewildered.
"Shh," Jimmie said, knelling to better aim his rocket launcher. "I only got one shot left, so let's hope it takes care of whatever's down there."
Jimmie fired his last rocket, which went flying down the tunnel. The rocket flew only a few yards when it exploded in mid air.
"What the…" Jimmie said, confused. Then he saw three figures walk through the smoke. "No way,"
"Jimmie, you trying to kill us. Cause your just gonna waist your ammo." Johnson said, angrily.
"How did you stop that rocket?" Jimmie asked.
"No scoped it," Johnson said, proudly.
"No way. That's impossible…"
Johnson held his scopeless rifle up for Jimmie to see, "Do you see a scope on this rifle?"
"Damn…" Jimmie shook off his amazement, "CK, where the fuck did you go off to?"
"Kill Covenant," Smaka said.
"B-but there were tons of Covenant where you left me to die. Why didn't you kill those?"
CK just shrugged his shoulders.
"Whatever, I got laid and that's all that matters."
"You got laid?" CK asked. Jimmie nodded. "By who?"
Jimmie pointed to the Elite behind him.
Johnson drew his rifle, "Covenant!"
The amount of own that was laid down upon that ally Elite so gruesome, it had to be cut from this story.
The Prophet Truth and Tarturus were side by side, looking at the four warriors in front of them. The final battle had finally come. The battle that would end this war once and for all. But before that, came the customary good guys acting badass scene.
Jimmie went first, since he of course was the least badass. "Since I ran out of rockets back there, I had to pick up a knew weapon…" Jimmie pulled out from behind his back a Covenant Energy sword. "Check it out. Cool, huh?"
Next was Keys. She stole Jimmie's sword and exchanged it for an SMG, thus one-upping Jimmie.
Then came Johnson, "Hey Tarturus, I woulda been your daddy, but the dog beat me over the fence!" He then slammed another clip into his sniper.
And last was the most bad ass of them all. Through all of this, Tarturus remained unfazed by this show of badassery, but CK was going to change that. "So, Tarter sauce. You think you're brave, huh?" he held up his hand, "Well, let me just steal that bravery, and turn it into your death."
A few seconds passed by and nothing happened.
"What the fuck…?" Smaka asked, confused as to why nothing was happening.
"Dude," Jimmie explained, "You can't steal intangibles and turn them into weapons. It's against the rules."
"Rules? What rules? I could do shit like that in the last chapter!"
"Yeah, but that was a different author. This author believes that there's rules to your powers that you can't break."
"WHAT! Rules I can't break! Fuck that! I'm going to go kill the author