He's all I think about. I can't stop thinking about how good he looks. Damn it, does he always have to look so damned sexy? It's bad enough thinking about him off duty, but on duty? It's excruciating, the need to touch him, caress him is demanding and it's taking most of my strength to keep it safe, keep it hidden.
It's amazing how perceptive some people can be and on a star ship that's on a five-year mission, secrets can never be held for long. But I try my utter best to keeps it under wraps. Being of a high rank does have it advantages, less people to bite your head off.
But think of the repercussions that would ensue if anyone found out, especially him. I think he'd hate me for it. He's so bound up by rules and regulations. By god, has his father brought him up well? His life is by the book. It's frustrating at times and I yearn for a smile or a laugh from the reserved man at the tactical station.
I know he has built a good relationship with Commander Tucker and the two alpha shift ensigns and I wish I could just enter in one of their many conversations but I would be a silent shadow. I wouldn't know what to say and hell, he takes my breath away as it is. His cute little mouth and fathomless eyes. It's almost too much to bear any longer.
Sometimes, when he's in his Armoury, he's in his own little dream world and that makes me smile. He's so relaxed when he's in charge and I know he'd make for one excellent Captain one day in the future. It's a pity that his father doesn't seem to share the same idea.
I don't why Malcolm is so distant and non-committal when his father is concerned. Trip tells me about it, how Malcolm and Stuart Reed are both as stubborn as each other and such. To be frank, I'd rather hear it from Malcolm but well, that's life and if I can grab anything about Malcolm, I'll just be glad I got it.
One day, I hope we'll get together, love each other as we should be loved but there's always something stopping me from asking him. Does he swing to the other sex? Is he comfortable with the idea of him and me being together? There are so many questions in the way so for now I wait.
I wait for him to give me clues if he is interested in me in that way, not just as a friend. We have made a friendship, not as strong as Trip's and his is but a friendship nonetheless and I'm always hoping it could be something more.
I'm in love with Lieutenant Malcolm Reed, and nothing will ever change that.
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