"Er…Mrs., uh, Walker?"
"Who wants to know?" Karen slammed down her martini on the smooth cherry wood counter top of the mini bar as the screen linked to her outside security camera came to life, a figure just outside the securely locked gates. She had lazily left the front doors ajar, knowing that nobody would get very far, should they attempt to escape through it; and she was in no hurry to finish off the fashion unconscious red head, the fat lawyer, or the teenage girl stuck in the man's body. They had obviously forgotten the security cameras positioned in and on every nook and cranny she and Stan could manage to fit them, and she knew their every move. They weren't going anywhere without her knowing about it.
"Uh…it's…Lenny, from the electric company?" he said diffidently. "We got a call saying you were having some…problems over here?"
"Problems? What?" Karen erupted, leaping to her feet. "What problems? Who called you?"
"I dunno…something about your fuse box? Would you like me to come in and take a look around?"
Karen's face broke into an enticing smile all of a sudden. "Oh, Lenny," she said knowingly, "sure you can come in, honey…be with ya in a jiff…" She licked her lips in anticipation as she hurried out the doors and to the gate.
"Evening," he called out when he saw her. "Not a fan of All Hallows' Eve, are you?"
"What?" she snapped, then immediately lightened her tone when she saw he was noticing the heavy chains and the padlock to go with it. "I mean…" She laughed facetiously. "Not too much. And what brings Lenny out on the night of spooks and goblins and…things that go bump in the night?"
Lenny laughed with her, though more uncertainly. "Ah, you know, it's the job," he said, "comes with the territory."
"Of course," Karen said, "well, come in, sweetie, come right in…" She inserted a small key into the padlock and pulled the chain from the gate. "Wait…give me just one little second, will you?" She went back to the keypad positioned by the front steps and punched in the code that would open the gate, then gestured him forward. He hesitated before complying, and hesitated even more when he saw that she was fastening the chain and padlock back into place.
"Uh…" He coughed uneasily. "You know, I'm…not going to be here all that long, I just…"
"Of course not, honey," Karen said cheerily, "but we don't want anyone wandering in that wouldn't be welcome, especially tonight, isn't that right?"
"Guess not. So…you know, I've been here before, know where everything is…so I'll just…get to work," he blathered, once they had gotten inside and he was heading for the basement steps.
"That's what I have you on retainer for, honey," Karen agreed. She grinned wickedly as she noticed his quick, nervous pace. "Just one thing before you start…"
He never saw it coming, and Karen brushed her hands together rather resignedly once the task was finished. "Well, you were right about one thing tonight," she said, "you were never going to be here all that long."
"Why do I get the feeling that if I so much as touch the doorknob, I'll be sucked into some kind of infinite netherworld?" Will pondered.
"I'm sure it has nothing to do with the countless people before you who have," Grace assured him dryly. "Now let's do this before she shows up with her scythe." They skulked in, one right after another and took a moment to look around.
"This can't be her room," Will protested. "Where's the pitchfork collection, or…the pit of fire?"
"Jackpot," Grace said as she spotted a mini refrigerator and found it stuffed to the gills with every kind of liquor substance imagined. "Any questions?" She directed this to Will.
"Not anymore." He scratched his head. "Okay, everybody, start looking for illegal substances. Anything a funny color and a long name, chances are that's what it is."
Jack giggled. "Will, that's the same thing you said when Glen wanted to do you last Christmas, remember?"
"Oh, Glen?" Grace spat out in disgust. "He was a funny color with a long name."
"I don't suppose anyone would bother to remember that I never did him," Will said mulishly.
"Another thing you're always saying!" Jack clapped in delight. "Dontcha just love all these little trips down memory lane?"
"I'll send you on a trip down memory lane," Will told him, "in fact, I could make it so memorable that you'll never make your way back to reality--not that you were ever in it in the first place."
"Well, this is something I don't want a memory of," Grace said with a wrinkled nose as she checked random drawers, coming across one filled with translucent lingerie, another with padded bras, another with all the essentials Karen must have needed to put her face on.
"Wow," Will said, impressed, "somebody knows about the important things in life."
"Yes, they do," Jack, who had found the drawer containing stacks of Men Behaving Badly magazines, agreed slyly as he flipped happily through the pages.
"I get that when you're done with it," Grace said automatically.
"If I die, Will, and you're paying for my funeral--will you bury me with these?" Jack asked him.
"I can't promise you that, but I can promise I'll bury you myself if you don't start helping somebody other than yourself."
Jack waved him off. "You're just jealous because I got here first, big boy."
"This isn't jealousy," Will retorted, "jealous will be when Karen finds you before me. It will be a shame when the first thing she does is burn off your eyebrows."
"No!" Jack choked out. "She can't do that--I just plucked them! They're my best feature…other," he added coyly, "than these dashing blue eyes."
"Why, Jack, I never knew you'd noticed," Will said. "Now do something!"
Jack squinted at him. "A guy has one insane murderer after him and it puts his whole day off," he muttered.
"Trick or treat, boys!" Grace shouted out, "girls…whatever it is they call you people." She stepped back, revealing a massive compartment in which contained what looked like Karen's personal drugstore. "Every dealer's dream."
"Exactly, which is good news for us if we run low on extra cash but doesn't help us at all when someone's after us for blood," Will said, exasperated. "We have no way of knowing what she doped up with, and knowing her, it was multiple varieties."
"Well, thank you for the bulletin, Mr. Encyclopedia of Bad News." Grace threw her hands up in the air. "That'll narrow it down big time, why didn't you just reach into your ass and pull it right out for us?"
"Why don't you just put your head up your own ass so no more of your dumb ideas will come out of it?" Will exclaimed. "How are we supposed to figure out what it is that made Karen more murderous than she already is! She could have taken anything, she could have drank anything, and she probably did--"
"Oooh…" Jack spoke up before he could go any further. "I wonder if these would feel as pretty on the inside as they look on the outside, what do you girls think?"
Will flashed him a brief, impatient glance. "Jack, not now--Jack!"
Grace's head snapped up. "Jack, where did you find these?" she demanded anxiously when she saw the half inch tablets of a purplish hue he was holding between his thumb and index finger.
Jack held up the small Prada handbag he had been digging in. "Sometimes she leaves me surprises," he told them impishly.
"I don't want to be surprised any more than we already have been tonight," Will said. "Where's the bottle they came in?"
"In the bag." Jack started to toss it to him, but Will waved it away irritably.
"No, I don't want to reach in there! That's like sticking my hand in a lion's mouth, just give me the bottle!"
Jack rolled his eyes and did as he was told, but was clearly more interested in rummaging through the remaining contents of the bag. Grace abandoned the drug drawer and tried to read the label from over Will's shoulder.
"Is that it?"
"She got it yesterday." Will pointed to the date. "I'd bet you my whole life--"
"Why don't you bet something else, at least for tonight," Grace suggested.
"Well, okay, I bet you every guy I've ever slept with--"
"Why don't you bet something else, at least for the rest of your life," Jack piped up.
"I bet your life, Jackie--" Will glared at him from the corner of his eye. "That everything in that…medicine cabinet, so to speak, has been opened at some point, and while we agree, yes, insane, I don't recall any intent to butcher on Karen's part before."
Grace tugged on his arm. "Does it say anywhere on there what could be causing this?"
"Why…yes, Grace, how funny you should ask, here it is, right here in black and white--'side effects may include drowsiness, dizziness, and oh yes, delusions of killing off your friends…'"
Grace put a hand over her mouth. "Oh my God, that explains it all," she whispered in awe.
Will snorted. "It explains nothing other than the indication that you upped your dosage of gullible pills."
"Better my gullible pills than my bitch pills, you big sissy."
"I am not a sissy."
"Don't make me come over theeeerrrrrrreeeee…" Jack sang out lazily.
"Look, it doesn't matter." Will capped the bottle and stuck it in his pocket. "We got what we needed, and that's what does."
"Now what are you suggesting we do, O Wise One?" Grace scoffed. "Put them out of reach and tell her she can't have any dessert until she finishes her vodka?"
"Don't be ridiculous," Will responded through clenched teeth. "She knows the rules--no dessert until after she finishes her vodka and at least half of her gin."