I still can't believe it happened. I would've never in a million years have thought he was suffering that much. And to think that I was part of the reason for his pain! When I told him about Yuki, he seemed to understand. He seemed happy that I had found someone who could be there for me when he couldn't be. I guess it was an act, though.
I wish I could say that I was the one who found him, but I wasn't. It was Kurama and Hiei, of all people. They found him lying on the floor, with half his head sprayed out around him and a little sheet of paper lying a couple feet away. They didn't find a gun, though. They said he probably went with the sure thing and used his rei gun to kill himself. Atsuko can't understand that, that the police couldn't find the gun. She thinks, and I guess police do too, that Yuusuke was murdered. They have no other way to explain that kind of injury, and Yuusuke did have many enemies. I think Kuwabara was even questioned.
Yuki's been really supportive through all this. I don't think I could have made it through this if I didn't have him. I know it may sound horrible, but I'm glad I found a reliable boyfriend to help me through the hard times.
I don't think Yuusuke is coming back this time. I haven't had any dreams like I did the last time that he died, and Kuwabara hasn't shown up on my doorstep claiming to be Yuusuke. The worst part of it all is that we can't find him. Botan and Koenma haven't seen him and Kuwabara hasn't had any of his "feelings". Even Hiei couldn't find him, though I'm not sure of how hard Hiei looked.
I can't believe Yuusuke would put all off us through this again. You'd think he would've kept on living, if not for me, then for Atsuko at least. The last time he died, when he was hit by the car, it nearly killed Atsuko, too, and this time he won't be coming back to save her from herself. She put off the cremation as long as possible hoping he'd come back to life again, but she finally gave in. I think she said the cremation would be tomorrow.
It's been hard, being so far from everyone with all this going on. Yuki said that I should probably keep my schedule as normal as possible and I agree. I'll be flying back in a couple days. I won't get there until they've cremated his body. I don't think I could stand seeing him lying there as if asleep, looking like any minute he'd sit up and be back here with us. I'll miss him…