I've always been the one playing catch-up, trying to reach the same level, to surpass Urameshi. And now it's too late. He's gone to a place I can't reach. Listen to me, acting like it's a new thing for Urameshi to be unreachable. I could never have been as good a fighter as he was, never could've beaten him. No matter how much stronger I got, he was always ten times stronger than I was.
And then he went even further away. He retreated into his head, and never came back out. Even when he was fighting me, I could tell he was on autopilot. He had beaten me so many times before, it was as natural and tedious to him as breathing was. Every new threat hat came along was dispatched with a cold efficiency. I'm convinced that half the time he didn't even realize that he was fighting to save the lives of everyone on this gods-forsaken rock.
For a while, there was still one person who could break down the walls he'd built around his heart. But then Keiko stabbed him through that heart with one last, devastating straw. I was there and I saw the exact moment that Urameshi died. The coroner's report is off by a few days when it says he died January 9th 20XX. Urameshi died at exactly 4:15pm on December 31st. I swear that was the coldest day I've ever known.
When I get to wherever I'm going, I'm going to punch him in the head for all the trouble he's caused. Poor Atsuko, this is the second time she's had to mourn for her dead son, and now she has to get over the false hope that he'll come back to life again. She drinks herself into unconsciousness every night and tends to Urameshi's body every day. I think we may have finally managed to convince her to cremate him. Even with Kurama's help, she refused to believe that he's really dead this time. In the end, we asked Hiei to put her mind at ease and help her accept Urameshi's death. I'm still not sure that she completely believes that he's gone for good. But he is gone.
And now what is there for me to fight for? What is there left for me to reach for? What is there left for me to live for? Yukina… I do love her, and with all my heart. But I can feel it in me, too. I can feel the ice and despair wrapping around my heart. I wonder if this is what Urameshi felt… I feel as though if anyone were to touch me, I'd break into a million shards of pain. I can't bear to force myself upon anyone in this state, much less the girl I love. And even now, I'm still playing catch-up. And I'm still not sure I can reach him.