Title: Possibilities
Series: Lost
Author: Innocent Innuendo
Chapters: One-Shot
Genre: General/Angst/Drama/Romance
Summary: Her mother called her Kathryn. Her father called her Katie. Jack called her Kate. But he…He called her Freckles. S/K One-Shot.
Pairing: Sawyer/Kate
Rating: K+
Warnings: A lot of thinking.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
AN: Just a One-Shot of Kate thinking after episode 209. About who she is and all that jazz. Of course I had to throw in S/K because they're my OTP. The song is Tatu- Stars.
Anyway, hope you enjoy. Please R&R.
How did we ever go this far
You touched my hand and start the car
And for the first time in my life, I am crying
Are we in space do we we belong
Some place where no-1 calls it wrong
And like the stars who burn away
the miles
Her mother had always called her Kathryn. No matter how many times she told her she hated that name. It made her think of some southern belle who couldn't take care of herself.
Kate wasn't that. She wasn't weak and would never be.
She wouldn't be like her mother. She wouldn't allow herself to be.
Her mother loved her she knew that. But she would never forgive her.
But she wasn't looking for forgiveness anymore.
It was lost on her.
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Her dad had always called her Katie. She never really minded it. Only he called her that. She remembered before the divorce, she couldn't have been more than four or maybe five, they would go to get ice cream every Sunday after church.
They would sit at the counter on tall stools, so that her legs would swing back and forth. She would stare down at her black Mary Jane's, as she waited for the ice cream. She always got a sundae, and saved the cherry for last, while her father got the some thing but ate the cherry first.
Every week he would stare down at her as they eat, sometimes with an unreadable emotion in his eyes, and say,
"I love you, Katie. You're my little girl."
"I love you, too, Daddy." She would give him a grin that was missing two teeth and then turn back to her sundae.
That day when she had gone to see him, he had broken her even more.
"Because I don't have murder in my heart."
She couldn't be this man's child, because he was a good man. And she…she was tainted.
She did have murder in her heart.
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Jack calls her Kate. Just like all her old friends. Just like every one of her ex-boyfriends, all two of them.
Every one on the island knows her as Kate.
Everyone who didn't truly know her.
Kate was a act…a mask to make everyone else happy. Too make sure they didn't ask questions.
Questions that she didn't want to face.
Jack really didn't want to know her. He said he did. But he would never understand her.
The twisted thoughts that lived deep in her head.
He was black and white.
He was good.
His road was straight, with no turns in it.
Bends, maybe. But no turns.
He did what was right.
Always.
She…she was just gray.
She was turns.
There was no always with her.
She could still feel the kiss on her lips. His lips were soft, and the stubble on his chin was rough. It had been a good kiss…nice. Comfortable. But her stomach hadn't irrupted with heat like it had with Sawyer. Her heart hadn't fluttered with butterflies; she hadn't felt the inability to stop like with Sawyer.
Why couldn't she love him…truly love him. The type of love that would make what she did okay.
But she couldn't. She would always feel that she was horrible compared to him. Like she would never be good enough.
She could never see herself as clean with him.
With him all she saw were her stains.
He could never understand.
And she could never explain it to him.
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Sawyer, he, likes to call her freckles.
She never liked them, her freckles, she had always thought they were too cliché farm girl.
Which she was.
Well…cliché with a twist.
But for some reason, she liked it when he called her that.
Ever since the beginning she had liked it.
She just…liked it.
He was cocky, arrogant and the anti-hero of the group.
Everything Jack wasn't.
Not that those were really good things, but they were things she could understand.
And he had a past…a dark one.
Maybe darker than hers…or maybe not.
All she knew was that he understood. Without every having to explain, he had got it.
He knew things about her that no one else did.
Because he saw them in himself every day.
He made her stomach a mess every time he was around her. Every time they touched it burned and all she wanted was more.
She wanted him. Passionately.
And she hated herself for it.
He reminded her of Wayne.
He was everything that she hated about herself. All of the gray in her soul shown through his eyes.
She hated that she loved him. Part of her, a part that was just as imperfect as him. The part of her that was Wayne. The part that made her who she was.
Made her gray.
Maybe if she didn't have that part of her she could be with Jack…Hell she wouldn't be in this situation if she didn't have that part of her.
But she did.
And nothing could change the past.
All she knew was that she like it when he called her freckles.
She couldn't explain it.
And she knew he would never make her.
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How did we ever get this far
It shouldn't have to be this hard
Now for the first time in my life am flying
Are we in love? Do we deserve
To build the shame of this whole world
And like the night we camouflage denial