Ah, dang. Where the hell did this come from? I was bored, and thought of this one Hellsing fic I read once, so here it is! BTW, I was watching the end credits for "Tales of Symphonia" and it came to Regal's voice actor. I looked, and started laughing my head off! Crispin Freeman! Alucard! Tsume! And probably Brago from "Zatch Bell!" And then James Arnold Taylor did the voice over for Gnome and Yggdrasill! AKA Tidus or Ratchet or Kiba too, I think! XO

-

"So, tell me again. How did we get in here?"

"Beats me. I seem to recall a certain someone trying to sneak up on me, and slipping."

"Uh… Wasn't it Oogie Boogie and his bugs?"

"No, it wasn't. But I've always wondered something. How is it that he can exist as a giant bag of bugs in a burlap sack?

"I don't know, and I don't care. Is there a way out from the inside?"

"No clue."

"How are we getting out of here?"

"No clue."

"Is there a way to open this?"

"No, probably not. Places like this usually don't have a way out."

"Move. Shove over."

"I kinda can't, you know."

"Well, try! There's something digging into my back!"

"There's no room in here!"

"Just move over there—"

"No, wait, there's a—AACK!"

"Now, go that way—"

"OW! There's a shelf there, you know!"

"Duck, idiot!"

"No, you move!"

"Aah! Don't shove me—"

(Both) "Aaaah!"

"…Oh… shit…"

"Ow… my poor back…"

"Get off me. Now."

"I can't. There's something pinning me down!"

"There is no way I'm going to wait for someone to find us when you're on top of me like that!"

"I can't help it!"

"If you'd just moved the way I'd told you—"

"Oh, so this is all my fault?"

"Yes!"

"Like I said, something's pinning me down!"

"Rrrrgh… this can't be happening…"

"Well, it is. So deal."

"You're telling me to deal, when I've got someone who probably weighs twice as much as me laying on top of me! YOU MORON!"

"Damn, it echoes in here!"

"Not my fault!"

"If you hadn't been insisting on scaring me…."

"THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!"

"Denial. You just wanted to get stuck in a broom closet with me, didn't you, Riku?"

"Ansem. You. PERVERT! What the hell is your problem! What are you, queer!"

"No, but I get the feeling you are!"

"Huh?"

"Do you know where your hand is?"

"What? Where… AAH! OH MY GOD! GET ME OUT OF HERE! SOMEONE! ANYONE! I feel so contaminated!"

"What? It couldn't have been that horrible!"

"Well, no, but—Aah! What am I saying!"

"Hehehe…"

"That's a really creepy laugh! Quit it!"

"Hehehe…"

"I'm serious! Stop it!"

"Hehehe…"

"AAGH! GET OFF ME!"

(Thunk)

"Ow! Riku, stop—"

"No! I'm getting out of here if it's the last thing I do!"

"Ow! Quit it! OW!"

"Move your fat ass!"

"You weren't saying that a minute ago!"

"That's because I didn't know I was groping a lunatic! Now move!"

"I'm not a lunatic! I won't move until you say sorry!"

"Ansem, move. Or I swear…"

"You'll what?"

"Raah!"

"OW! You bastard! That was way below the belt!"

"There're more like it if you don't move!"

"You little shit! Take that!"

"OW! Dammit!"

"Oh, hell!"

"Hey, wait! Something spilled—oh damn!"

"Aaah!"

"Whoa!"

"... ... …Again. How can this happen twice in one day?"

"Easily, it seems. Why are you complaining? You're on top this time."

"That's not the point!"

"Hehehe…"

"Don't start that again!"

"Hehehe…"

"That's it!"

Maleficent warily approached the shaking broom closet door. There were unpleasant sounds floating from underneath, mostly suppressed cries. She took a deep breath, and steeled herself to open the door. She laid a hand on the doorknob, and yanked it open. Her eyes bugged and her jaw dropped as she saw what was inside.

Riku was sitting atop Ansem, holding Ansem's arms down with one hand and trying to strangle him with the other. Ansem's face was in shadow, so Maleficent didn't see the evil grin he flashed Riku.

"Maleficent! Help me! He's trying to rape me!" he cried, still grinning.

"What! You bastard!" Riku snarled. "Maleficent, this isn't what it looks like, I swear…"

"So why are you sitting on me?"

"Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!"

Maleficent cautiously backed away, and fled the library, trying desperately to ignore the sounds that followed her.

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A/N: Hehehehe… that was fun to write! This was inspired by the fic "In Enclosed Spaces With Vampires" by Bishounen no Hime, in case you're reading this. I love that fic! And yes, I like the ever-elusive AnsemRiku pairings. If anyone knows of any other than "Taste of the Dead," let me know in a review! Hmm… I might continue this…. XD