Chapter 4 – Everybody's Talking
"Here's another box that's packed. Seth, could you take this one out to the garage?"
Saluting his Mom, Seth lugged the box out the front door, complaining all the way about the end of the Christmas season. Kirsten kept shifting things around the room in the direction of the front door when she inadvertently revealed Dawn's gifts on the corner of the hearth. She wasn't surprised to notice Ryan had caught sight of them immediately.
"Did you…"
"No. I still don't want them," he answered, continuing to help move boxes.
Sandy had returned from his trip to the garage and had walked in on the conversation among the boxes. "You sure Ryan?"
Wavering a minute, Ryan flipped his hand in the direction of the couch, "Maybe you guys could sit down for a minute?"
"Sure," Sandy said quietly following Kirsten to the couch.
"Okay, what else goes in the garage?" Seth asked, rubbing his hands together as he entered the living room.
"Oh, Seth, honey, can you give us a minute?" his Mom requested.
Taking one look at Ryan, Seth got the big picture and turned to leave, but Ryan thought otherwise.
"No, it's okay. He can stay. This is going to be one of those rare moments where I talk…so I guess everyone should be present."
When everyone was seated, Ryan parked himself on the edge of the coffee table, crossed his arms protectively across his stomach and closed his eyes with a deep breath.
"I know I was, pretty rotten this Christmas," he started.
"Yes, you were."
"SETH!" his parents silenced him with a unified warning.
"No he's right. This isn't easy for me. I've never really told any of you much about my life in Chino. It's mostly because now that I'm away from there, I hate to even think about it. But, all of you have been more than patient with me and I guess, I feel I owe you an explanation. When I said my Christmas memories were bad, they go beyond my Mom's shitty cooking or the fact that she was always drunk." Ryan looked to the Cohens to see if they were still with him. Of course they were, they wanted to hear this.
"This scar I have over my eye…I got that one year on Christmas Day. It was four years ago. My Mom and AJ were fighting. Bad. He was really beating her up. She was crying and her mouth was bleeding. I tried to separate the two of them, which only pissed AJ off even more. He turned on me, punched me a couple of times. I lost my balance and tripped right into the Christmas tree, knocked it over. I came down on top of the tree and one of the ornaments broke by my face. That's what cut me. Since it was obvious my Mom got beat up, the ER would have asked questions, so AJ had to take me to get stitched up. He spent the entire three hours reminding me that I meant nothing to him and what a pain in the ass I was to him. And how his dinner was going to be cold now and how it was going to cost him money to stitch me up when it was my fault for interfering in the first place. When we got back home, my Mom was tripping over herself to apologize to AJ. She didn't say one word to me. Didn't ask if I was okay. Didn't say she was sorry I got hurt. Nuthin'. To make matters worse, she'd put away our so-called Christmas dinner, but she'd saved a plate for AJ. I didn't get anything. No dinner. No presents. Now there was no tree. Christmas in Chino was always like that. Nothing but reminders of how I was in the way and just not important."
Glancing briefly at the Cohens, Ryan could see the hurt in their faces. Taking a deep breath again, he continued.
"That was only one Christmas, but they were always a mess. It was always something. On Christmas night I told all of you that the last time I got a Christmas present was when I was eight years old. What I didn't tell you is that, the year before that, my Mom got a gift for my brother but not for me. She said she forgot. How do you forget your own kid? Or worse, how do you remember one son and not the other? What am I? Fucking invisible?" he asked out loud without looking at anyone. "The following Christmas, when I was eight, I saw she had a present for me under the tree. I tried to be good, be patient, but I was little you know? God forbid I actually get excited at Christmas. On Christmas Day I couldn't stand it anymore and I kept asking her if I could open it. I wanted it so bad. She'd been drinking since the minute she got up and I guess she wasn't in the mood for my begging. She took it away from me. Said I didn't deserve it." Ryan paused, frowning, frustrated at the memory. "I don't know what she did with it, but I never got it. That was the last time she ever bought me a Christmas present."
Leaning forward, Sandy placed his hand on Ryan's knee. "Son, that's all behind you now. You don't have to say anything else."
"Yeah I do," his voice faltered for a moment. "I'm so, sorry, for the way I treated all of you." His voice trembled as he attempted to contain his emotion. "I've been here long enough to know this place isn't anything like Chino. I ruined…"
"Dude, don't say that. You didn't ruin anything," Seth soothed.
"I agree," Kirsten added. "From where I was sitting, between the toy soldier candies and the eggnog, I think we all had a really nice Christmas," she comforted with a gentle smile.
"I don't think…I don't think I would have gone so far off the deep end if she hadn't sent those damn gifts. That's what did it. I wasn't perfect, but I was doing okay until Kirsten told me she sent those. I know you guys think she's just trying to be nice, be a good Mom. And that's exactly what she wants you to think. She only did that to compete with you guys. No one gets one up on an Atwood. Ever. That was a strategic move on her part. She knows it…more importantly, I know it."
"I can take care of those Ryan," Kirsten offered.
"Please do. I don't even want to look at them."
Experiencing a moment of regret, "Under the circumstances, I don't think I could have made a bigger mistake this Christmas than putting those under the tree. Every time you walked through the room and had to look at them…I only made things worse," Kirsten realized.
"It's not your fault. You had no idea," Ryan added. "I should have told you sooner."
"Well now that we all understand what Christmas is about and what it will and won't be from now on, I think Ryan should make it up to us," Seth stated boldly.
"What do you mean?" Ryan's flat tone proved he knew something creative was going to come out of Seth's mouth.
"I'm saying you really were a brat…"
"Seth!" his Mother warned again.
"Mom, trust me on this, I think you'll like the outcome." Turning his attention back to Ryan, "I mean, you did practically body slam me onto the floor in the hallway here. So here's what I propose…for acting like a shit for two weeks, you owe us…homemade pizza. Today. No exceptions, no substitutions."
Gasping, "Oh Ryan, you do make great pizza!" Kirsten cooed. "You're going to need groceries. I'll go get my purse!"
"Put me down for mushrooms and green peppers," Sandy added.
Snorting a laugh in spite of himself, "How do you guys do this?" Ryan asked.
"Do what?"
"Pick up the pieces so quickly after, after…"
"Ryan always remember that healing takes time. Energy is well spent on forward motion. Giving your strength to things that are in the past can suck you dry and slow you down. Always concentrate on the future and where it's going. You can't change the past but the future is yours for the taking."
"Sandy, you're talking like a lawyer again," Ryan pointed out, smirking.
"Ah, sorry. How about, 'fuck the past, you'll be fine eventually and where the hell is my damn pizza!' How's that? Do I sound 'Chino'?"
With everyone laughing out loud, Ryan gave Sandy the bitter truth, "Close, but not quite," he laughed. "That's okay. I think I like you better as Newport."
"Seriously kid, don't ever be afraid to talk to us. If you feel uncomfortable talking to Kirsten or myself about something, talk to Seth. We know your past is ugly and it's difficult. You wouldn't be here if we didn't think we could handle it."
Ryan nodded and quickly changed the subject. They'd wasted enough energy on this. "So about the pizza…who's got cash?"
The New Year had rung in and loudly, at that, in Chino. Dawn had started drinking long before Christmas in an attempt to blur the fact that both of her sons were gone. Now almost a week after New Year's, she sat sober at the kitchen table. Christmas was always the same in Chino and this year was no different. She and AJ had locked horns on Christmas Eve and the police had hauled him off. Since the charge of domestic battery stuck, it violated AJ's parole and landed him six months back in the slammer. A person had to pretty much kill someone in order to serve serious time in Chino. The jail was just too crowded to keep everyone there for a full stay. AJ'd probably be home after only four months, with good behavior. Her house had never been this quiet. It was terrible to consider that she preferred the yelling and the screaming to this dead silence.
Standing up to fetch some lemonade out of the fridge, her eyes came to rest on the photo of Ryan. Closing the door, she ran her fingers, chipped nail polish and all, over his face. She wondered what his Christmas had been like. She wondered if he opened her gifts, but supposed he didn't. She suddenly found herself concerned with what he might have told the Cohens about Christmas in Chino. He trusted them. No doubt he would tell them about his past, but probably, only if they asked. Her reasoning seemed logical in her own mind, or so she hoped. She could keep him quiet when he still lived with her, but up there, she had no power to control him.
Still staring at his photo, her mind questioned what sort of Christmas gift the Cohens might have gotten him. Hell, maybe they even gave him two or three boxes to open. The more she thought about it, the more she itched to grab the bottle. But, after the three-week bender she'd been on, the bottle didn't sound appealing. She wanted Ryan. She missed him terribly.
The Cohens were hovering in the kitchen like vultures, waiting for the aroma of their late lunch to loft through the kitchen. Ryan had just put the finishing touches on his pizzas and slid the trays into the oven when the phone rang.
Being the closest to the phone at the time, Sandy picked up.
"Hello?…Yes, how are you?" Sandy flashes a look at Ryan, who immediately knows who's on the other end of the call. "Well, um…you know I just walked in myself so I'm not really sure where he is. Hold on…"
Ryan was already shaking his head 'no' and the weary look in his eyes told Sandy he didn't want to talk. Nodding at Ryan, he did his best to play along. He spoke out loud in the kitchen, cupping his hand over the receiver slightly. "Hey, is Ryan home? Oh he's not? Okay…" Raising the phone back up, "Dawn? I guess the boys went down to the pier, I'm not sure when they'll be back. Do you want me to…I see…yes I'll tell him…you're welcome…take care."
When Sandy hung up, "Thanks…for doing that," Ryan acknowledged.
Nodding, "I'm supposed to tell you that she loves you and she misses you, and that you don't have to call her back unless you want to."
"That's a dumb comment, she knows I'm not going to call."
"Easy buddy," Seth restrained.
"I'm fine." Off the looks of all the Cohens standing near him, "Really, I'm fine."
"Dude, you sure? No desire to drink yourself into oblivion? No desire to go pounce on a girl?"
Licking his lips, "I'm going to pounce on you if you don't get out of my way. I have to set the timer for the pizzas."
"For that, I will gladly move."
The sun was setting when Seth entered the pool house and sat down on the corner of Ryan's bed.
Sprawled out and flipping through his muscle car book, "Get off my bed," Ryan warned.
"Dude, you have an unhealthy obsession with your bed."
"Yeah, I do. Get off!"
"Okay, okay, I'm going. Jesus."
Without looking up, Ryan noticed Seth had taken a seat in the Warden's chair. There would be an unwarranted conversation following soon.
"So, Ryan," Seth began mumbling hesitantly. "In light of recent events," he swallowed. "I was wondering if we could talk."
"Seth, I'm really not up for any more talk about life in Chino. I've had my fill for today."
"Sure," Seth nodded nervously. "I get that, and the good news is, that's not what I want to talk about."
"Okay, so what do you want to talk about?" Keeping his eyes on his book, Ryan was only half listening to Seth's ramblings. He'd learned how to tune him out.
"I wanted to…(cough)…talk to you about girls."
With only his eyes snapping to attention, he focused on Seth, "You want to talk to me…about girls…"
Curling his lips in, Seth cocked his head, "No, wait a minute, that's wrong. I want you…to talk to me…about girls."
"You want me to talk to you about sex?" Ryan asked point blank.
"Well, yeah. You're the more experienced one. I'm sure you're brother told you some stuff, right?"
Chuckling, "Not exactly. He handed me a pack of condoms and told me to go have fun."
"Not exactly useful information," Seth whined.
Tossing his book aside, Ryan sat up and leaned back on his arms, looking at Seth skeptically. "You've never been with a girl, have you?"
"No," Seth uttered with a mouse-like voice. Looking at Ryan, "Why? You thought that I actually…"
"Yeah I guess I assumed you did. Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think I know anyone who hasn't…"
"Thanks Ry, that was a giant ego boost in the wrong direction," Seth complained.
"Come on man, I didn't mean anything by that, you know that. So you haven't, done anything yet. So what?"
"I know, it's just, you know all about this stuff. You're worldly. It's just another thing where you're so much more advanced than I am."
Sighing at the sight of Seth wallowing in his own self-pity, Ryan gave in, "Okay, okay. I don't believe I'm going to do this. I'll give you ten minutes. Normal questions only. If you ask me anything weird, you lose your teeth."
"Why do you always threaten my physical being?" Off Ryan's look, "Okay, I agree to those terms. You, on the other hand, have to swear to not laugh at me. Do you swear?"
Realizing this whole thing was aiming to go pretty deep, Ryan negotiated his part of the contract. "I promise not to outright laugh, but depending on what you ask, I may have to snicker or smirk. I will try to contain myself. What do you want to know?"
Taking a deep breath, "Okay, um, for one, when it comes to (cough, cough)…actions of the…oral…nature…"
"You mean a blowjob?"
"Shhh!"
"Seth, it's just us. If you can't even say the word, you don't deserve to get one."
"Okay, okay. So when it comes to a…blow…job…is there actually…blowing…involved?"
Ryan snickered. Loudly.
"You promised you wouldn't laugh," Seth reminded him, pathetically serious.
"I know, I know. I'm sorry."
"So?"
"You really don't know, do you?"
When Seth shook his head, Ryan honestly felt bad for him. He knew Seth had been living a sheltered life, but no one, especially a guy, should be allowed to reach sixteen and not have a clue about this stuff. Then again, Seth didn't grow up in Chino.
"No Seth, there's no blowing involved. Matter of fact, it's the opposite."
"So, there's…sucking?"
"Yeah, if the girl is good at it. Hopefully she has some serious tongue talent."
"Tongue talent?"
"That's a more…advanced lesson. Let's not wander that far today. You only have seven more minutes."
"Fair enough. How far can you…you know…"
Ryan gets the full meaning of Seth's question by his abstract hand gestures. "Pretty far. You'll know you're pushing her limits if she starts gagging."
"Ga-gagging! You've made them gag?" Seth asked, horrified.
Snickering again, "Some girls can handle going deep and some can't. The ones that can't, sometimes they gag. It's no big deal Seth. There are worse consequences than gagging."
"Worse?" Seth swallowed heavily, suddenly weary of Ryan's 'Sex 101' talk.
"The gagging is a hint…to back off a bit. My brother ignored that signal once, about a year ago, and the girl puked all over him."
"UH! Stop! No more!" Squeezing his eyes shut, Seth put his hands over his ears. "Are brothers always this graphic?"
"It's gross, I know, but an important thing to know if you ask me. I'd rather hear that story than find out the hard way."
"I think I'll pass on the whole… ugh…I don't think I even want a blowjob now. Ever"
"Oh yeah ya do…trust me on this."
"Yeah but…"
"It's a rare occurrence Seth, but I thought you should know it can happen. I've never had a girl puke, ever. And I've had a lot of girls go down on me. Once you've had your first one, you'll be hooked. Trust me."
"Come on guys, time for dinner," Sandy yelled from the patio.
"Saved by the bell," a relived Ryan expressed.
Standing up, he looked down at Seth who was still overwhelmed and completely grossed out.
"Seth, don't sweat this. When it's right and it's meant to be, it just…comes together. It'll happen for you and it'll be fine."
"Well then, how come it comes together for you several times a week, or almost every weekend at the very least? Why can't I…"
"Because you're different than I am. I have…issues, not that that's earth-shattering news. These girls I hook up with…I fuck 'em, that's it. I don't love them. I don't care about them. I take what I need to from them and then I'm gone."
"You never loved any of them?" Seth asked, innocently curious.
"No." Catching a look from Seth, "Seth, it wasn't until I came to live with your family that I even learned what love is. I guess for a long time, to me that was close enough to love to count." His voice drifted off at the end of his sentence, realizing what he was saying. Christ, there was more to Kirsten's request to slow down than he realized.
"Well, who knows, maybe someday I'll get laid…and maybe someday…you'll get a piece of ass you can love."
"Yeah, maybe."
Both boys snickered at the comment and left the pool house for dinner.
Taking a seat across from each other, the boys loaded their plates from the selections on the table.
"So what were you guys up to?" Kirsten asked, setting a pitcher of ice tea on the table.
"Nothing. Just bonding," Seth answered innocently, causing Ryan to roll his eyes.
"Well that's nice." Kirsten answered from across the kitchen.
"Wasn't exactly 'nice'," Seth mumbled under his breath. "Maybe when we get up to the tongue talent…"
Seth's ramblings were cut short by a swift and solid kick in the shin by Ryan's boot. He followed up the physical warning with a reprimanding glare. Seth's mouth immediately fell open and he performed a silent 'oh Christ that hurt!' dance behind his mother's back as a result of the pain shooting through his shin.
"I couldn't hear you, what did you say?"
Setting some dinner rolls down on the table Kirsten noticed the mood at the table had changed. Ryan was now staring Seth down, and Seth was whimpering and shoving a fork full of food into his mouth.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked, looking at Seth quizzically.
"Nothing," he whimpered. "It's good, just…hot. So hot. It's good."
Frowning at her son, she watched him painfully eating his dinner, still whimpering.
"Ryan? Is your dinner okay?"
"Yeah. Fine."
Nodding, "I don't know what you did Seth, but I wouldn't do it again." She noticed Seth trailing his eyes to Ryan and a devilish grin curling onto Ryan's lips as he chewed. She had no idea what it was, but they'd apparently worked it out between them. She supposed it could be considered bonding.
The next morning when Ryan's alarm clock went off, he rolled over and pulled the pillow over his head. He was suddenly regretting his wish for the holidays to be over because along with Christmas, winter break from school was over too. Growing impatient with the blaring music, he tossed his pillow aside and smacked the box quiet.
Before forcing himself out of bed, he considered what he'd been through in the previous weeks. His life had definitely taken another turn. He'd survived another hurdle and it was a big one at that. Ryan couldn't remember the last time he came through a holiday unscathed. Maybe he'd take more risks. Maybe he'd trust the Cohens more, certainly more than he did at Christmas. Maybe the second semester of school would go more smoothly than the first. Maybe it was time he got out of bed before he was late for school.
It was nearly three-thirty when the boys dragged themselves through the front door and on towards the kitchen where they found Kirsten working at the table.
Taking a seat at the counter, "I hate school," Ryan moped.
"I'm right there with you buddy," Seth agreed.
"Come on guys, it's only the first day back. What happened?" Kirsten asked.
Reaching into his backpack, Ryan pulled out a ridiculously thick book and let it plunk onto the counter. "English Lit homework…book report due in eight days…on that…" he sneered, pointing at the book.
"I got a book too, sorry to say yours looks fatter. Did you get labs yet?" Seth inquired.
"Four of them." Ryan allowed his forehead to rest on the counter as if four labs were the end of the world. "And my lab partner this semester is a nightmare."
"Who did you get?"
"Shelly Sampson," he answered painfully, still face down on the counter.
"Who's Shelly Sampson?" Kirsten interrupted, but went unnoticed.
"Shelly Sampson! Touchy, clingy, automatically-thinks-any-guy-who-talks-to-her-is-her-boyfriend Shelly?"
"That's the one," Ryan moaned.
Still trying to follow the conversation, Kirsten jumped in again. "You have a girlfriend Ryan?"
"NO!" both boys yelled. The nauseating thought of being Shelly's boyfriend got Ryan's head off the counter in a hurry.
"Mom, Ryan doesn't do girlfriends…well, I mean he did them, but he doesn't…"
"Okay Seth, I get it."
Ryan smirks at him. Sadly Seth nailed that one.
When the phone rings, Ryan opts for a way out of the looming conversation and gets up to answer it.
"Hello?"
His eyes clench shut momentarily and he immediately drops his arm down by his side. "Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse…"
"Who is it?" Seth asked, clueless. Kirsten on the other hand was already rising from the table and crossing the kitchen. Women's intuition.
Bringing the phone back to his ear…
"Ryan, baby, are you still there?"
Sighing disgustedly, "Yeah Mom, I'm still here."
"Am I calling at a bad time? I can call…"
"Any time is going to be a bad time, Mom."
"I see. Well, I was thinking about you and I was wondering how you were doing."
"I'm fine."
"Just…fine?"
"I'm not exactly having the best day and you're not exactly someone I want to be talking to so…"
"I know baby. I just want you to know how much I miss you and…"
"Don't start," he warned.
"What? I'm just saying…"
"I know what you're saying…I'm not coming back."
There was silence on the line. Ryan knew she was fighting off the tears but it didn't matter. Her tears didn't work on him any more.
"Look, I had to learn a whole new way of life when I left Chino and it wasn't easy. You're going to have to do the same thing. I can't help you anymore."
Sniffling, "I know baby. I know you had it rough."
Tipping his head back, Ryan clenched his teeth and shook his head at the ceiling. She was still going to turn this around and make it about her.
"I just thought…maybe…maybe you could come visit me some time?"
And there it was.
"How can you ask me that? Why the hell would I do that?"
"I just thought…"
"You know what? Don't think so hard. Alright? I don't want to come back Mom. Not even for a visit. And before you ask, I don't want you coming here either."
"Kirsten told me…"
"I don't care what Kirsten told you. I know you Mom. You're gonna be drunk, or you're gonna beg me to come back by telling me it'll be different this time - again, or you're going to say nasty things to the Cohens to try to under mind the progress they've made with me. I know you. You ruin everything you touch…and I don't want to be ruined anymore. You had your time with me and you wasted it. I'm done wasting time. Don't call me any more."
Before she could say another word, Ryan clicked the receiver off and tossed it on the counter.
"I've got homework to do. I'll be in my room. No girls, no booze, I promise, just me and this fucking English Lit book. She's not going to get to me. Not this time. I just need to be alone for a while."
"Okay. I'll bring you a plate for dinner," Kirsten offered gently.
Nodding, Ryan grabbed his book and his backpack and walked out the door in the direction of his room.
"Oh boy," Kirsten breathed.
"Oh boy is right," Seth agreed. "That got ugly."
"He knows her better than we do. I can only imagine where this will go from here."
"Maybe he'll feel differently when he calms down."
"Maybe."
(TBC)…