A/N: This fic is a girl fic. Guys, do not read for your own safety. If you do, don't sayI didn't warn you. Side effects my include:Severe nausea, and/or strong desire never to look in a dictionary again. You have been warned. Ratedjust to be safe.
Disclaimer: I do not own the TMNT. Well duh. Akasha and her bizarre bahavior is all mine!
We Will Never Mention This Again
Akasha stomped into the lair. A scowl was on her face.
"Hey, Asha," Raph greeted her easily. "Good day at school?"
"No," she said shortly. Raph looked surprised at her reply, but said nothing.
Akasha went into the kitchen and grabbed a glass out of the cupboard. She found the milk pitcher and sloshed some into her glass. White liquid splashed the counter, but she ignored it and grabbed a pack of cookies from the table before retracing her steps and slamming herself into the chair in front of the TVs. She ripped the packet open with undue violence and stuffed three Oreo's into her mouth at once, not bothering to chew thouroughly, and washed them down with a gulp of milk.
Leonardo entered the room. "Who spilled milk all over the counter?" he asked reproachfully.
"Me," Akasha snarled, glaring at him. "You got a problem with that? Huh? I'm entitled to spill milk if I want! It's a free country!"
Leo blinked.
"Er," he said uncertainly. Akasha continued.
"What business is it of yours if I spill milk on the counter? D'you think you can stop me spilling milk? Because you can't! I can spill as much damn milk as I want!" She said all this very fast, eyes sparkling dangerously. Leo backed up a step.
"I wasn't…"
"In fact, I like spilling milk! I think I should spill more milk! And if you don't clear out soon, I'll pour milk all over the carpet!" she raised her glass threateningly. Leo fled.
"What's bitin' you?" Raph asked in astonishment.
"Nothing!" she replied, shoving five more Oreos into her mouth, a manic gleam in her hazel eyes. "Nothing's biting me! Why would anything bite me?" Raph looked unnerved.
Akasha finished the whole pack of Oreo's in five minutes, drained her glass of milk, and snatched up the remote. She turned it to a National Geographic documentary. She watched a pair of lions rip a zebra to shreds with an oddly satisfied look on her face. Raph felt sick just watching her.
Akasha watched the documentary and the end of a horror movie. She was just watching an Animal Planet programme – a Crocodile Hunter special – when Mikey ran in and grabbed the remote off her.
"SpongeBob's on!" he whooped, changing the channel. Akasha's eye twitched. Raph cringed.
"Give me that remote!" she snarled at the orange-banded turtle.
Mikey clutched the remote to his chest and shook his head stubbornly.
"GIVE ME THE BLASTED REMOTE!" she bellowed, lunging toward him. Mikey received a punch on the beak before having the remote wrenched from his grasp and the channel returned to Animal Planet, all in a matter of six seconds. He blinked, not quite understanding what had happened.
Unfourtunately, Akasha's strange behavior extended into the evening. She put Evenessence on full volume, and yelled at Don when he tried to turn it down. When the pizza arrived, she exploded at Mikey for not ordering pineapple. She spent large amounts of time sitting with her iPod on full blast, completely ignoring the turtles. Don eventually grew so worried he phoned April.
"Hey, Donnie, what's up?"
"It's Akasha," he said haltingly. "She's acting kinda… weird."
"How?"
He explained about her snappish behavior and rudeness.
"Oh, Donnie, I think I know what it is," April laughed. "But it's a girl thing. Don't worry. She'll be back to normal in a couple of days."
"Couple of days?" Don cried. "We won't survive that long!" He heard Akasha's voice screaming in the background, "MICHELANGELO! GIVE ME THAT REMOTE OR I'LL MAKE YOU INTO TURTLE SOUP!"
"Ooh, that bad, huh?" April had heard the outburst.
"Yes!" Don said in a panicked voice.
"Just try not to get in her way," April suggested. "That's all you can do. She'll probably calm down if you give her some space."
"I'll try," Don said uncertainly. "Bye, then." He hung up.
He re-entered the room to find Akasha had cornered Michelangelo against the sofa. The orange-banded turtle looked stricken and was leaning as far away from the girl as he could. Don sighed resignedly. This was going to be a long week.
A few days passed. Akasha stormed in and out of the lair, making Mikey jump a foot every time. He scuttled out of the room whenever she showed up. Akasha glowered and grouched, snapping at anyone who dared to talk back to her. The only one who was safe from her temper was Klunk, whome she suddenly found incredibly adorable and cute and almost never let him out of her sight.
"MIKEY!" she roared one afternoon. "WHERE DID YOU PUT THE REMOTE?"
"On the coffee table!" Mikey squeaked from the kitchen. "Please don't hurt me!"
Klunk strolled in.
"Aww, Klunkie!" Akasha squealed, squeezing him so that his eyes bulged slightly. Klunk wriggled free and ran off.
Put out by this, Akasha snatched the remote off the table and hurled it at the kitchen door before striding toward the dojo. Leo looked up as she entered, his eyes widened with shock.
"What do you want?" he asked nervously.
"Where's my chigiriki?" she demanded forcefully.
"On the weapon rack," he answered swiftly. She went over to it.
"I'm going to practice," she informed the quivering turtle. "Don't disturb me if you value your life."
"Yes, Ma'am!" he squeaked, scurrying out of the dojo. "Go ahead!"
"Psst, Leo!" a hand shot out from a niche in the wall. Mikey's terrified face emerged "We have to find out why Ash's acting like a rabid polar bear!"
"I wouldn't put it quite like that, but yes, I have to agree," Leo answered. "Let's find the others."
Raph and Don willingly came.
"I think she's finally lost it," Mikey said, shaking his head, watching Akasha rip the punching bag apart with her chigiriki. Raph didn't make one move to prevent her from doing it; he was eyeing her with a worried look on his face.
"April said it's a 'girl thing'," Don told them. "But that doesn't help! She just told us to give her some space…"
"If we give her any more space we'll have to leave the lair!" Mikey moaned.
But Don had spotted her backpack leaning against the wall. A plan was forming in his mind.
"Maybe there's something in her bag," he said. "We'll need to distract her…" But at that moment Akasha stuffed her chigiriki viciously into its holder and strode from the lair, her bag on her shoulder.
The next day they were all dreading four o'clock; Akasha arrived then. But when she did arrive, she didn't storm in with a scowl, but wore a smile instead. This, if possible, unnerved Mikey more than if she had been glaring.
"She's playing mind games," he whispered to his brothers.
"What about games?" Akasha asked, coming up to them.
"Nothing!" Mikey shrieked. She eyed him strangely.
"You okay, Mike?" she asked in concern.
"Fine!" he squeaked before scurrying away.
Akasha sat on the sofa. Raph expected her to roar for the remote, but as he offered it to her, she merely said, "You can pick the channel."
Raphael blinked; surely she would not be this nice.
Akasha was fairly pleasant all day. At dinnertime, she even asked Mikey to pass her the potatoes, and thanked him for doing so.
"We have to find out what's going on," Don muttered to his brothers after Akasha had offered to help clear up.
"Yeah, Donnie, bu' wha'?" Raphael demanded.
"We create a diversion. While she's gone, we grab her backpack. Maybe there's some clue to her weird behavior in there."
The four brothers quickly established a plan: Raphael would lure Akasha away, with Mikey as bait, while Leo and Don took her bag.
The plan worked perfectly. Don and Leo snatched up the red backpack and scuttled quickly to Raph's room. Mikey and Raph ran in after them, slamming the door.
"Okay," Don said. "Here goes…" he unzipped the main pocket, and tipped the bag upside down.
Out fell a pencil case, and a few textbooks, a diary, a handful of granola bars, and a pack of…
"Tampons!" Don practically screamed.
"Wha –?" Raphael began.
Don looked disgusted and refused to touch them.
"Tampons. That explains everything!" he said, gingerly eyeing the contents of the bag.
"What're tampons?" Mikey asked, confused.
Raph and Leo looked expectantly at Don.
"I'm not telling you!" Don said. "Look it up in the dictionary."
They did.
They dropped the dictionary.
Mikey looked ill.
"Ewwww!"
"We never mention this again," Leo said, stuffing the things back into the bag.
"Hey, have you guys seen my –?"
They whirled around. Akasha's eyes strayed to the bag, the dropped dictionary, and the mortified looks on the turtles' faces. She put two and two together.
"Would you prefer death by maiming or hanging?" she inquired, icily calm.
They fled.
A/N: Well? Figured it out yet? Girls will probably figured it out in a couple of seconds. Guys, can't say I didn't warn you. Flames will be used to melt the snow so I don't have to shovel it.