Chapter 9 – Asking For Help
The car ride home was quiet and from her location in the front seat, Dawn could feel Ryan staring a hole through the back of her head.
"I'm going to go clean up," Ryan announced as they walked through the front door, making a beeline for the pool house.
Once they heard the door shut on the other side of the house, Dawn took the opportunity to talk to Kirsten alone.
"I, I think I've changed my mind. This isn't good for Ryan. I know he doesn't want me here."
"If he truly didn't want you to be here, you wouldn't be here. I think we both know Ryan has no problem voicing his opinion against things. I'd say he's tolerating you, and rather well at the moment. Just remember what he said earlier because he's going to be watching your every move."
Dawn didn't think it was possible to feel more uncomfortable than did a minute ago, but she was. Following Kirsten into the kitchen she took a seat at the table and tried to engross herself in something to take her mind off the pending dinner encounter. Scanning the table in front of her, she noticed a permission slip regarding 'away' soccer games. The bottom of the document had been signed by Sandy and Kirsten as "Parent and/or Legal Guardian". She could've done without seeing that.
"Why do you think he's doing this?" Dawn asked, stroked the edge of the fringed placemat.
"You mean why did he invite you to dinner?"
Dawn nodded.
"Truth?"
Dawn nodded again.
"I think he's testing you."
Not the answer Dawn wanted to hear. Within moments Ryan returned to the kitchen, showered and changed with his hair still wet. Walking over to the fridge, he snatched a soda off the shelf before forcing himself over to the kitchen table to sit opposite his Mother.
"So," she swallowed hard. "How long you been playing soccer?"
"Not even a week. Team just got picked last Monday."
"Is the season long? I mean, do you get to play a lot of games?"
Without moving his head, Ryan trailed his eyes across the table and they're both thinking the same thing. She's never taken an interest in what he did before and now it came off as a forced, fake conversation. Glancing in Kirsten's direction, her subtle nod told him she thought things were going okay, to keep going.
Wrinkling his mouth he looked down at his hands and scratched at a hangnail. "It's about two and a half months I guess. I never counted the games so, I have no idea."
"You looked good out there. I thought you were one of the best players." Dawn striving to be encouraging was like visiting the dentist, it's supposed to be good for you, but it's more like torture.
"You want a soda or something?" Ryan asked without acknowledging her compliment.
"Um, sure. Maybe some cold water…some really cold water."
She knew Ryan would recognize that request a mile away. She hated drinking water but it seemed to be the only thing that got her through when she was jonesing for a drink. Sure enough, she found him staring at her sideways without getting up from the table. She was sure he was going to explode in anger and was shocked when he didn't.
"I'll get it," he answered quietly.
They hadn't even ordered food yet and the trio in the kitchen were all wondering the same thing…how the hell are they supposed to make it through a meal like this?
"Ryan, I…I don't have to stay. I shouldn't stay."
With a glass full of ice in one hand and a bottle of water in the other, Ryan's blank expression offered no comfort. Placing the items on the table in front of his Mother, "Suit yourself," he breathed before turning to walk away. "I'm going to see if Seth is home."
Kirsten knew it was a cop out. Seth was home. Seth was always home. Ryan just didn't want to deal with his Mother leaving…again. Glancing through the living room, Kirsten took the opportunity to sit down with Dawn.
"Why are you changing your mind?"
"I don't belong here. This was a mistake. I know he doesn't want me here. I know you don't really want me here either."
"You're still his Mother."
"That's what makes this whole thing so awkward. Everyone is watching me like I'm going to make some huge mistake. Ryan is watching how I treat you, you're watching how I treat him…no one gives a shit how they treat me."
It wasn't until those words came out of Dawn's mouth that Kirsten realized she'd been a little harsh, albeit, she had good reason to be. "I'm just trying to protect my family. From day one, we told Ryan he could see you whenever he wanted to, and today he asked you over for dinner. When you leave here, Ryan will have a lot on his mind whether he admits it or not. We're the ones that will be picking up the pieces should something go wrong during this visit. That's why it's so important to get this right."
"But why am I the one that always has to try so hard? He has to work at this too," Dawn sassed selfishly.
"He was trying. The fact that he brought you back here for dinner, that was trying. Personally, I consider that an enormous effort on his part. You crushed that when you told him you were leaving."
Dawn's distressed face went pale. She'd been in the door fifteen minutes and she'd already screwed this up, even without alcohol being involved. Shifting nervously in her seat, she twisted her ring around her finger. No wonder she was such a shitty Mother, she couldn't even read her own child.
Seeing the lost look on Dawn's face, "Seth's bedroom is the first door on the right at the top of the stairs. Why don't you go talk to Ryan?" It was more of a statement than a question. Dawn needed some direction in this situation and Kirsten was doing her best to guide her without flat out telling her what to do.
"What do I say to him? I mean nothing I say is going to make him feel better. I've already made him angry."
"He's not angry, he's frustrated. I've seen him angry and I'm sure you have too…'that' is not angry," Kirsten explained, pointing toward the living room. "Go talk to him. I'm sure he's waiting to see what you're going to do. If he's had enough, he'll make it abundantly clear."
Taking a large gulp of her glass of water, Dawn mustered up the courage to go talk to her son.
"Ryan?" She could hear the boys talking, keeping their voices low, all conversation ceased when she called out his name.
"In here."
Entering Seth's room, she wrung her hands together nervously when she saw Ryan sitting at Seth's desk. "Could I talk to you?"
"Go ahead."
The uncomfortable feeling in the room landed on Seth now since he was the obvious third wheel.
"I'll just leave you guys alo…"
"You don't have to leave Seth, this is your room. Besides, I'm sure this will be short."
Folding her arms across her chest, "Ryan, I don't know what to do. I would love to stay and have dinner with you but, I'm so…nervous. I'm so afraid of doing the wrong thing and saying the wrong thing. You and Kirsten are both watching me like hawks, I'm afraid to breathe down there."
Without facing her, Ryan continued pulling at a loose string on the bottom of his jeans, unresponsive. If she was looking for sympathy, she was looking in the wrong place.
"I'll do whatever you want me to do. Just tell me what you wan…"
"Don't put this on me," he barked, snapping his head in her direction. "You show up, announced. You're rattling off compliments like you actually give a shit about what I'm doing when I know you don't. You never did. And you're asking me all these questions as if you're going to remember the answers by the time you get back to Chino. You don't care about any of this. You don't know anything about me any more." Ryan's face was heavy with anxiety. A hybrid of anger and hurt flashed in his eyes. "You're the one that gave up, said you were leaving. So go ahead. Leave."
Standing up in a huff, Ryan pushed past his Mother, knocking her off balance. Seth just sat on his bed more lost than ever. Several times he opened his mouth to say something after Ryan stormed out but he was at a complete loss for words.
Kirsten was pacing in the living room when Ryan came charging down the stairs.
"Ryan, honey. What's wrong? What happened? Ryan?"
Ignoring Kirsten, Ryan strode straight across the room to the bar and opened a large bottle of whiskey. Putting it to his mouth, he gulped it down as fast as he could.
"Ryan! No, no! No! Ryan, stop! Ryan, NO!" Rushing up to him, Kirsten yanked the bottle away from him, causing Ryan to choke as it spilled on his shirt and onto the floor. "We're not going to do this. We don't need to do this." Pulling him into a hard hug, she held him tight. "You tried honey. You tried."
Kirsten could feel his body shuddering against hers. It had been a long time since she'd seen him go to pieces like this. "This hurts," he whispered, hanging onto her.
"We're going to be okay. We don't need to do this to be okay."
"Kirsten, I can't do this. I need a drink," he stated bluntly as he tried to pull away from her and looked at the bottle.
"No, Ryan. No drinks. You can do this. You can. You don't need that. You asked her here and you're going to face this head on…without the booze."
Ryan's red, tear soaked eyes pleaded with her while he tried to wrestle his arms free. He wanted that bottle. He wanted to stop the hurt. The bottle would stop the hurt. It would stop everything for a while.
The sound of the front door closing could be heard in the background. Instinct made Kirsten turn her head in the direction of the sound but the view of the hallway only offered her a glimpse of Seth, frantically pacing and holding his arms out in defeat, equally unsure about what to do next.
The slight distraction was enough for Ryan to pull his arms loose. Snatching up the whiskey bottle he backed up further behind the bar, away from Kirsten. She made no attempt to chase him again. He knew how she felt about this. Leaning on the counter with one arm, she put her other hand on her hip, hoping it would guilt him into putting the bottle down.
Testing Kirsten's will, he raised the bottle toward his face, watching her intensely the entire time. With the bottle just below his nose, the scent of the devil in the bottle called to him. Just an inch or two more and he'd be on his way to relieving the pain.
"I've learned a thing or two since you've been here Ryan," Kirsten stalled. "You want me to be angry with you right now. You want me to stop you, take the bottle away from you. We've worked through a lot together Ryan and by now, you know there's nothing in that bottle that's going to change the way people are, or the way they treat you. You can't control her Ryan."
He started at Kirsten. His breathing was still heavy but she could tell he was listening.
"I know you brought her here for more than one reason. I think you hoped she'd changed a little bit in your absence. And I think part of you wanted to rub in the fact that you've moved on. Either way, this isn't worth spending tomorrow morning puking before school.
In hopes of helping keep Ryan sober, "Dude, you challenged your Mom to leave and she did. Now my Mom's challenging you, waiting to see if you're going to be defiant right to her face. We're here for you. Come on man, don't do this."
Glaring sideways in Seth's direction, Ryan lowered his mouth to the bottle.
"Ryan man, don't. Please," Seth pleaded.
With his mouth closed, Ryan pressed the bottle against his lips and closed his eyes, his chest heaving with each attempt to regain control of his breathing. Keeping a tight grip on the bottle, his forehead furrowed with anger.
Wanting a quicker resolution, Seth looked to his Mother and shrugged. She backed Seth down by simply shaking her head at him. Ryan had the power to control what was happening and Ryan was the one that had a decision to make.
Hearing a deep breath escape from Ryan, they turned their attention back to him. Maintaining his frustration, he lowered the bottle onto the bar with a thud. The bottle was down, but he hadn't let go of it yet.
"I don't think either of you will ever know how bad I need this right now." Complaining through clenched teeth, he avoided eye contact at all costs.
"I'm not sure you'll ever know how huge this is if you can walk away from that bottle right now. Everything you need is standing all around you."
His eyes met Kirsten's.
Seeing she hit a nerve, Kirsten continued. "If you drown yourself in that bottle, you're doing exactly what she does when she wants to hide from the world. I know you're better than that. You're stronger than that."
Swallowing hard, Ryan fought to keep his chin from trembling even though a tear managed to escape and run down his cheek.
"I hate her. I fucking hate her."
Stepping forward, Kirsten put her arms around him. Her heartstrings were tugged when Ryan returned the embrace. He let go of the bottle.
"Oh my sweet boy. See? Whiskey can't do this. I'm so proud of you Ryan."
"I know."
"We need to get some food into your system," she explained. "You managed to take quite a few big swigs on that bottle before I got to you." She smirked at him in a condescending way as she pulled away from him.
"I do feel a little buzzed," he admitted, ashamed. "Where is she? She leave?"
"Actually, she's on the driveway," Seth confessed, his Mother shooting him a dirty look.
Letting go of Kirsten, Ryan pushed past her and rounded the front of the bar.
"Ryan, where are you going? What are you doing?" she worried, getting that 'out of the frying pan, into the fire' feeling.
"I want to talk to her."
Jumping in Ryan's path, Seth blocked his way to the door. "Ry, do you really think that's a good idea? I mean, you only calmed down thirty seconds ago."
"I'll be fine. This needs to be done. There's things I should've said a long time ago."
Before either Cohen could stop him, he continued across the hall and out the front door. He found his Mom standing halfway down the driveway staring at Kirsten's flowers.
"I thought you left," he pressured, causing her to whirl around and look at him. "What do you want from me? Why do you keep doing this?"
"Doing what? Ryan, I'm still your Mom. Did you expect I would just disappear after you left?"
"Yeah, I guess I did. And quite frankly, when you do stuff like this, I wish you would have."
The comment stung to the point of taking her breath away.
"Ryan, you're the one that invited me here."
"Yeah I did. Because I thought I could do it. I thought I could get through two hours and somehow balance my old life with my new life, balance you…and us. I'm with them now…and that's the way I want it. You're the only one that seems to have a problem with that because you keep showing up in the middle of things that would make a normal person happy. It's taken me a long time to work through some of the things I've been through. And I'm still working through some of it. Thanks to them I feel pretty solid most days, feel pretty good about myself and my future. But every now and then, something comes up and I feel like I'm held together with nothing but Scotch tape. And you know what? They're all standing there, right next to me, holding me together."
Tears escaped from Dawns swollen eyes as she listened to her son. He had changed indeed. He wasn't raging, he was speaking from his heart. Something he'd learned to do since living with the Cohens. He'd been brutally honest in court with Judge Whitney when it came to their relationship, but having him say things to her face, one on one, it was a hard dose of reality to swallow.
Whether it was the raw anxiety of the moment or the tease of alcohol he'd ingested, Ryan could feel emotion rising within himself and he fought to control it long enough to finish saying what he came out to say.
"There was a time in my life when I would have given anything, anything, for you to come to my games, or to give me a Christmas present. Christ, just for you to treat me like your son, your kid. But to do it now, especially under the circumstances, all it does is piss me off. It makes me feel like you're rubbing my face in it. Like you think this is a game. I don't want to do this any more. You had your chance…you walked away from me long before I walked out of your life. I need you to leave me alone."
Sniffling, "Ryan, please…"
"You remember the stars?" He studied his Mother, searching for her response. "In the letter you gave me when the Cohens became my guardians…you told me at night you'd look up at the sky and find the brightest star and you'd know it was me, because I was happy. You remember that? When's the last time you looked for that star? Do I look happy to you right now?"
Taking a step closer to Ryan, Dawn's voice was but a whisper, "I look at the star's every night. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss you. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret not trying harder, wishing I was stronger like you. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't hope and pray you know I gave you up because I know you deserved better. And there isn't a day that goes by that I don't ask that same star to help you forgive me. I know I've lost you. My house is empty and my heart is empty. And I know you're better off without me, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept. In fact, it makes it harder."
Ryan listened to his Mother pour her heart out. She was sober and she was serious. Her words weighed heavily on him.
"Maybe someday we'll be able to get past this. Maybe. But right now…right now I just can't."
Nodding, "It's okay. I get it. It's good that you found your way kid. I wish I could… I love you Ry. I know that's hard to believe, but I do. And I'll still look at the stars every night. Your star. Take care of yourself kiddo. I'll miss you."
Stepping forward again, Dawn was surprised Ryan allowed her to embrace him and she let out a nervous laugh when she squeezed him tight. Her chuckle turned into a sob when she felt Ryan's hands on her back, returning the hug.
"Bye Mom."
"Bye Kiddo. Be good, huh?"
"I'm trying…"
Ryan watched his Mom hurry down the driveway and cross the court in the direction of the security gate. In less than a minute, she was gone.
"Dinner smells great," Sandy praised entering the kitchen. He hadn't noticed his wife sitting in the den, but all the food was out for the meal so he figured he'd go grab Ryan for dinner. Reaching the top of the steps by the pool house, he noticed Ryan sprawled out on one of the loungers in the yard. Given the uncomfortable bend of his body Sandy couldn't imagine what he was doing and walked up to him to find out.
To his dismay, Ryan was out cold. He pulled on his leg and corrected the direction he was facing and he rolled him over slightly to change the kink in Ryan's neck. All the while, not a peep was heard from Ryan. Frowning at the boy Sandy bent down with his head next to Ryan's head, relieved to hear the sound of deep, concentrated breathing that only undisturbed slumber offered.
Returning to the kitchen, he found Kirsten pouring herself a glass of Merlot.
"Hey, there you are. That looks good, I think I'll have one of those…the Merlot that is. By the way, Ryan is asleep outside, how long has he been out there? His skin feels a little warm."
"This is my third glass, you might want something a little stronger," his wife offered, pulling the large bottle of whiskey into view.
"Honey, that was a brand new bottle."
"Mmm-hmm. It was…until Ryan got a hold of it."
Concerned, "Uh oh. What happened?" he asked, suddenly understanding why Ryan was asleep outside.
"His Mom stopped by today."
"What?"
"Yeah. Unannounced. It made for an interesting afternoon."
Kirsten relived the day's events including the confrontation at the soccer field all the way down to the yelling match on the driveway.
"I can't believe you took her to the soccer field."
"Why? You think that was a mistake?"
"Apparently you don't," Sandy snickered.
"I was more than flustered when she showed up on the doorstep Sandy. I didn't know what to do." Lowering her voice, "As much as I dislike the woman for what she's put Ryan through, it's still his Mother. And if he's truly trying to work through his past, he's got to come to terms with her as well…whatever that means."
"You're right. Ignoring it won't make it go away that's for sure. So, did he get drunk?"
"No, not exactly. Sufficiently buzzed I'd say. He said he had a headache and he wanted to lay down. He wanted to go for a walk, down to the pier I'm assuming, but I wouldn't let him leave in the state he was in so I guess he chose to watch the waves from out there. He fell asleep about a half hour before you came home."
"That woman sure brings out the worst in him."
Nodding, "You're not kidding. I knew things were rocky between them but after today…today I realized he'll do whatever he has to in order to avoid dealing with her. I can usually get him to talk to me but today he went straight to the bottle, right in front of me."
"I supposed in some strange form that's actually a step in the right direction."
"How do you figure?"
"Well, in the past, he'd always run away to get drunk. He's not hiding anymore."
Laughing sarcastically, "Great. So now we have to lock up everything in the bar because he feels comfortable enough to get wasted right here, in front of everyone?"
Setting his own glass of wine down on the counter, Sandy's face was content with his analysis of the situation. "Kirsten, he wanted you to stop him. He knows the bottle works for him, but since he's been here he's learned there's always other options. He may not have said it out loud, but he was begging for other options when he picked up that bottle."
After pondering that statement, "I said that to him this afternoon. I said that I knew he wanted me to stop him but I only said it as a distraction. I was trying to get the bottle away from him."
"He's moving around out there. I'm going to go check on him." Crossing the grass Sandy took a seat on the opposite lounger. Ryan was engrossed with rubbing his forehead with his eyes closed. Obviously the nap hadn't relieved him of his headache.
"Hey kid." Squinting against the late afternoon sun, Ryan acknowledged Sandy with a guilty look. "I heard you had quite an afternoon."
Rolling over onto his back, Ryan set his jaw and stared at the ocean out in front of him.
"Wanna talk about it?" Sandy probed. Ryan only shook his head. "Okay well, I'm supposed to bring you inside for dinner."
Wincing, "Not hungry."
"I see. Well, I'm going to have to drag you in kicking and screaming then I guess," Sandy mocked, standing up. "Or you can stay out here and just wait. You know Kirsten will make you a dish if you wait long enough."
The dirty look Ryan shot at Sandy was enough to make him snicker. "Save that glare for someone else kid. I'm too tired, too old and too hungry to take that seriously."
Aggravated, Ryan frowned before throwing his legs over the side of the lounger and standing up shakily. Throwing his arm out to grab Ryan, Sandy steadied him.
"Easy there kid. Slow down."
"I'm fine. My head's just a little…" He curtailed his explanation in lieu of concentrating on walking. Damn whiskey. Even without getting completely smashed, it still left him reeling with the spins.
Entering the kitchen proved to be a daunting task. One whiff of the dinner on the counter and Ryan could feel his throat flexing.
"I'm not hungry," he grumbled, hoping he could head over to the couch and lay down to stop the room from spinning.
"Ryan, you need to eat something," Kirsten encouraged.
Walking past the counter on the way to the fridge for a bottle of water, Ryan regretted glancing at the container of Chicken Parmesan. Normally one of his favorite dishes, he felt his stomach churn. Grabbing his stomach with one hand, he raised a fisted hand to his mouth, gagging slightly.
"Seth! Garbage can!" his Mother yelled.
Reaching into the designated cabinet, Seth yanked out the container and set it down in front of Ryan just as additional coughing turned into gagging. For all the noise he was making, Ryan only dispelled a small amount of the alcohol he'd consumed.
"Geez Ryan, losing your touch? You used to be able to pound drinks and not puke for hours. Now you take a few sips of whiskey and it's ov…"
Still bent over the garbage can, Ryan reached up and grabbed Seth by the shirt as he continued to dry heave.
"What did you say to me?" Ryan gasped.
"Me? Nothing. Nothing at all. Merely an abstract observation is all. I could have been wrong." With Ryan tightening his grip on Seth's shirt, "I definitely think I was wrong. Maybe we could just drop it?" Seth squeaked.
With a firm shove, Ryan pushed Seth away leaving him to gawk, and try to smooth out the wrinkles Ryan had made where he clutched Seth's shirt.
When Ryan finally felt well enough to stand up straight, he swiped his hand over his mouth and went over to the sink to wash his hand and rinse his mouth out.
"Talk to me kid. What happened today?" Sandy inquired, silently signaling to Seth to leave the room.
"I'm tired of her interfering."
"Interfering?"
"I've come along way since I severed ties with her, even I can see I'm different. But just when I think I'm really onto something, I'm really going to beat it this time, no going back, she pops up out of nowhere. It's like she's planning to ruin me no matter what. When I asked her to stay for dinner, I didn't know what would happen…well, that's a lie. I knew it would end badly but I thought it would be over something else. When she decided she was going to up and leave over nothing, I fucking saw red. She always took the easy way out of everything. There was no reason for her to leave and I thought 'son-of-a-bitch, she's gonna walk out on me again'. I decided right then and there that I wasn't having any part of it. I was going to walk out first. I wasn't going to let her see she got to me. And then she came upstairs and tried asking me what I wanted her to do. If it was that simple and she was that willing, we wouldn't all be standing here right now."
"Why did you turn to the bottle Ryan?" Sandy knew the answer, at least he thought he did. He just wanted to hear Ryan say it.
"I didn't know how else to ask for help."
Sandy and Kirsten exchanged a look. Bingo. "Kid, any time you need us, we'll be right here."
"All of us," Seth called from the hallway, making everyone smile. Everyone in the house knew he'd be listening in on the conversation in the kitchen.
"Thanks. That means a lot. I'm sorry I let you down."
"You're doing better than you think kid," Sandy encouraged.
Ryan really was learning after all.
(TBC)…