Raising Ryan

Chapter 21 – Strong Enough

A month had gone by when Ryan found himself sitting at the kitchen counter, deep in thought. Concentrating on those thoughts went out the window the minute Seth walked in.

"Hey buddy. Why the long face?"

"I don't have a long face."

"Come on Ryan, I know you better than that. Is something wrong? You and Napkin Girl…"

"No, no, we're fine."

"So then, what's up?"

Taking a deep breath, Ryan wrung his hands together. "I've been thinking about my Mom."

Of all the possible problems Ryan might have been contemplating, this wasn't a topic that was even remotely on Seth's radar. "And…?"

Hesitating, "And…I've been thinking about, going back."

"You're…leaving?" Seth asked, immediately pale and sick to his stomach at the mere concept.

"No, no, just, for a visit."

Seth steadied himself against the countertop, relieved. "Okay. But, why would you do that? She makes you crazy."

Sighing again, "I know, but…did you know she was at the last two soccer games?"

"She was? How do you know that?"

"I saw her. Well, I saw her car. No one in Newport drives a car that looks like that."

Nodding, Seth was starting to understand the bigger picture.

"I only saw her at those two games, but, she could have been at more of them for all I know."

"But why wouldn't she come up to you then? Tell you how great you played?"

"Because the last time she came to the field, it blew up in both our faces. I drew a line and she was staying on her side of it."

"Can I ask you something?" Seth inquired meekly and waited for Ryan to look at him. "Why now?"

"Because I'm finally strong enough."

Still, another week passed before Ryan worked up enough courage to pick up the phone. A prime opportunity presented itself when he found himself home alone. His hand trembled as he dialed the phone. He'd made up his mind beforehand, if she was drunk when she answered, he'd hang up abandon the idea and never think about it again. The phone rang several times. His heart raced and he could feel his blood starting to boil. It was late afternoon. She was probably passed out already from her early morning binge. He was just about to give up when she answered the phone, out of breath.

"Hello? Hello?" she answered hurriedly.

Ryan found himself tongue-tied at first. She was sober. It was four o'clock in the afternoon and she was sober. That was a step in the right direction.

"Hello?" she repeated again.

"Mom?"

The phone fell silent as Ryan waited for her to reply.

"Ryan? Oh honey. How are you? Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm, I'm fine."

He could hear her pull out a kitchen chair, surely the shock of his voice on the line made her weak in the knees.

"My baby! I can't believe you called me! It's so good to hear your voice!"

Her voice was trembling. She was fighting back the emotions she knew Ryan wasn't interested in hearing. Tears never worked on him, there was no point in using them now.

Ryan swallowed, hoping it would ease the dryness in his mouth. It didn't.

"I…I wasn't sure you'd be home," he finally offered, choosing his words carefully.

"I usually get home around this time. I, I got a job at the coffee shop down the street. It's nothing glamorous, but it pays the bills. I've been there for about three months now. I guess that's gotta be some sort of record for me, huh kiddo?"

Ryan smiled weakly into the phone. "Yeah, I think it is." Closing his eyes for a moment, Ryan decided to bite the bullet. "So, I've been doing some thinking. I thought, I thought maybe I'd come back…for a visit. Maybe…"

"Oh honey! Please come by! Please! I'll make lunch, I'll ask for the day off of work, I'll…"

"No, no, don't be missing work. I'm in school all day anyway."

"Sunday? Can you come this Sunday? I don't have to work on Sunday. Please?"

"No. AJ will be there on Sunday."

"No, no he won't. AJ…AJ is in lock up, Ryan. He won't be here."

It didn't surprise Ryan to learn AJ was in jail, again, and the news seemed to point to Sunday as the best day to do this.

"Okay. Sunday. I'll see you…and Mom?" after a beat, "I need you to get this right."

"I will. I promise."

Ryan hung up and stared at the receiver in his hand. He hoped he was doing the right thing. This felt like something he just had to do. Now he had to hope the Cohen's would understand, and approve of his actions.

Waiting until dinner was over, Ryan wanted to get his plans off his chest as soon as possible. Clearing his throat, he got the attention of everyone at the table.

"So, I have something I need to tell you guys."

Realizing the seriousness of Ryan's tone, the adult Cohens immediately gave him their full attention.

"This Sunday…I'm going to go back to Chino, to visit my Mom."

Sandy and Kirsten exchanged a look, unsure of what to think.

"Ryan is, is everything okay? Is your Mom okay?"

Nodding, Ryan kept his down and fussed with the corner of his napkin. "Yeah, everything is fine. It's just…something I feel I need to do. If she's drunk when I get there, I'll turn around and come home. Then it was a mistake. If she's sober, then maybe it'll be okay."

Sandy and Kirsten exchanged a look for the second time, still unsure of what brought this up and if Ryan had a hidden agenda behind the trip to Chino.

"Are you…I mean…is there any particular reason for going back to Chino?" Sandy asked.

Ryan hesitated, still fussing with his napkin. "I just…I just…" The answer seemed so clear to him when he made the phone call to his Mom. Now Sandy's question seemed like a loaded question. "I guess I want her to see me. I don't have any expectations for her. I mean, she couldn't stop before, all these years of drinking and abuse. I want her to see that I got out. Who knows, maybe it would give her strength to do the same thing."

Sandy and Kirsten both breathed a sigh of relief.

"That's understandable Ryan. I think you have the right mindset. I'm glad you realize…even though you've changed…"

"She could still be the same," Ryan added, finishing Sandy's sentence. "I know. And quite honestly, I expect that to be the case. I just feel like it's something I need to do. I hope you can understand."

"Ryan, she'll always be your Mom," Kirsten explained. "We would never keep you from seeing her. Our concern will always lie in what's best for you. As long as you're comfortable doing this…then we support your decision."

"It'll be okay."

Ryan pedaled feverishly to the pier after school the next day. He found Sami in the usual place. Pouncing off his bike he let it fall against the back of the bench and cheerfully took a seat next to her.

"My, aren't we in a good mood today!" Sami teased. "What's going on?"

"Nothing. I'm just, I'm happy to see you."

"Aw. I'm happy to see you too."

Kissing like the teenagers that they are, they realized they may have gotten a little out of hand with the public display of affection when an older lady on the bench across from them repeatedly cleared her throat in attempt to separate the two young lovers.

"Sorry," Ryan mumbled automatically before straightening his posture and decidedly trying to keep his hands to himself.

Happy that she'd achieved ruining their blissful little moment, the old lady stood up and headed down the pier.

"Well…what was the point of that?" Ryan complained.

"Maybe she doesn't have anyone to love. Maybe she's jealous," Sami teased again, snickering.

"Grump like that, who'd want to kiss her!"

"Hey now, watch it! I remember a certain someone telling me he used to be quite the grump before someone gave him a reason to change."

"Alright, alright, you win." Ryan laughed as he watched Sami's hair twisting in the coastal breeze. Allowing himself to lock into her eyes, "Of all the guys in Newport, why'd you pick me? You could've had any guy you wanted."

"Because I wanted you. You're a true soul Ryan. Boys like you are hard to find. Your heart is genuine."

That was one of the things Ryan loved most about Sami. She always seemed to explain things in the simplest terms, with the most convenient definitions…and she was usually dead on accurate.

"What's on your mind Ryan Atwood? I can see the gerbil is on the wheel."

Squirming in his seat a bit, "You really want to know?"

"Yes, of course."

Ryan took a deep breath and tried to think of the best way to explain the train-wreck that was his mother. "There're parts of my life that I don't talk about. Mostly because…I would rather forget about them."

Sami turned to face Ryan, showing him she wasn't intimidated or turned off by what he was saying.

"My Mom…she's…she's an alcoholic." Embarrassed at the admission, Ryan broke eye contact with Sami and turned to the ocean, something he found comfort in since the day he came to Newport. "She always drank, for as long as I can remember. But it got worse when I got older and my Dad went away to prison."

Ryan's eyes skittered to the side to take in Sami's reaction. She didn't have one, she was still right there with him, listening.

"The drinking led her to making poor choices in boyfriends, especially when it came to finding boyfriends that could get her buzzed, no matter what. Conveniently, none of them seemed to be interested in kids either. Anyway, I ended up in Juvie and I decided I'd had enough. I didn't want to go back to that life. To make a long story short, that's how I ended up with the Cohens."

Sami reached forward and stroked Ryan's sleeve. "I knew you had some tough times before you came to Newport, but I had no idea about your Mom. I can't even imagine what that was like."

"Yeah well, it's not exactly something you tell people about. It's…embarrassing."

Tipping her head, Sami caught Ryan's eye and waited for him to turn his head. "You had a rough start, but look at you now. You took control of your life the day you said you were done with all of that and you never looked back. My Gram always says that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. And if that's true, you've got to be the strongest person I know!"

Snorting, "And if all that is true, then why do I want to fuck it all up by making a trip back home?"

"Do you want to see your Mom?"

Ryan squirmed again and looked back to the ocean. "Not exactly. I want her to see me."

"Ryan, no matter what happens…be proud of who you are. Be proud of where you're going with your life. No matter what happens when see her, she can't take any of that away from you."

Ryan nodded, still looking at the ocean.

"And when you get back…I'll be here waiting for you. Because I'm proud of who you are."

Blinking several times, Ryan fought back the emotion that was rising in his chest. Sami was worlds beyond where he considered himself. Yes, he'd come a long way but Sami…Sami blew him away. She was always so warm and welcoming, so patient and understanding. She always had the right thing to say and she always knew how to make him feel good about damn near anything and everything.

Still blinking, he turned to Sami, "Come here." Wrapping his hand around the back of Sami's head he pulled her into a kiss. "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too."

After a bit more snuggling and kissing, "Better be careful, that old woman could come back," Sami warned.

"I don't care. I want more of this," Ryan smiled, leaning into Sami again.

"Ryan Atwood, are you dropping hints?"

"Oh yeah."

"Then I guess it's time to leave the pier."

It was going on eleven o'clock in the evening when Ryan returned home and cut through the main house on the way to his room. It came as no surprise when Seth intercepted him in the kitchen.

"Hey man, where you been? We're you with napkin girl this whole time?"

"Yeah." Offering a crooked smile, Ryan reached into the fridge for a bottle of Snapple.

Gasping dramatically, "You did the deed again, didn't you?"

Letting the refrigerator door slam shut, "Some things aren't meant to be public knowledge, Seth."

"Public? Who cares about public? You got some tonight!"

"Like I said, some things are meant to be public…like the inscription on your headstone."

Curbing his excitement for a moment, "You're right. I did say I would…respect your privacy where napkin girl was concerned."

"Thank you."

Relieved he'd managed to, somehow, put Seth off again, Ryan opened the French door leading to the patio.

"Just tell me this," Seth interjected at the last moment. He waited for Ryan to turn and offer him a dirty look, which came like clockwork. "Was it good?"

Ryan thought for moment before allowing that infamous, mischievous smile creep onto his lips.

"I knew it! I hate you!" Seth exclaimed.

"'Night Seth."

When the door clicked shut and Seth found himself alone again, "I think I'll drown my depression in a bowl of Fruit Loops."

Miles and miles away, Dawn sat on the back stoop smoking cigarette after cigarette. Immersed in the dark, she allowed herself to listen to the world around her. Somewhere nearby, a couple was fighting. There was yelling and screaming and she recognized the sounds of physical contact being made. In the distance, gunshots could be heard and the faint moan of a single police car trailed through the center of town.

Taking another drag off her cigarette, she thought about the places she'd frequented, the places where she drank and picked up men, all of them the same, drunk, abusive and broke. She was usually too drunk or hung over to recognize this wasn't a place to raise a family. No wonder her boys wanted out. Both of them had fallen prey to what the streets of Chino had to offer. Trey had become a jack-of-all-trades in Chino, doing whatever he could to make money in order to stay away from home. And Ryan was more subtle about it, but she knew he'd stolen things and he was just beginning to make a name for himself stealing cars when everything changed and he found a way out.

Still inhaling from the nearly gone nub, she considered that her boys had learned the only thing there was to learn in Chino, how to stay ahead of the game. It pained her to know, even though Chino was still swallowing them whole, her boys were better at the game than she was. They knew how to beat the system. She was older, she'd been through more in life in general and she was still trying to pick herself up and dust herself off.

Letting the smoke sift slowly through her lips, she tipped her head back and stared into the sky. She found the brightest star of the night, Ryan's star. She wondered what he was doing. Panic clenched her chest at the thought of Ryan visiting her the next day. What was she thinking when she agreed to that? Ryan and her hadn't gotten along in years. Years. What made her think this visit would be any different? Why would tomorrow be special? Ever since he was a little boy, Ryan had begged her to stop drinking. He'd come home from school with those damn flyers that talked about getting help and she'd rip them up in his face every single time, yelling at him that she wouldn't be told what to do with her life by a child. She was a grown up, she could make her own decisions. In hindsight she could see that Ryan was wise beyond his years. He knew what he was doing, even as a little boy. He was always the strong one, the smart one. Shaking her head at the sky she joked with herself about where he got his brains because it certainly wasn't from either of his parents.

She lit another cigarette and thought about the pending meeting with her son. Seeing your own flesh and blood shouldn't be so nerve racking, but this was her own doing. She'd made his life hard, harder than it needed to be. He was the way he was, largely due to her actions, her decisions.

She never expected to hear from Ryan again. The day she said goodbye on the Cohen's driveway, she assumed he'd washed her hands of her for good. Ryan was like that. When he was done with something, he was done. In that sense, he could walk away from anyone and anything, at any time. That was one of his strengths. For the life of her, Dawn still couldn't figure out why he was coming back. For that matter, she wasn't sure she cared. She had another chance to see her son. She couldn't justify the chance to make things right with Ryan, but she was thankful for the opportunity.

Giving the stars one last look, she snuffed her cigarette out against the concrete, picked up her beer bottle and emptied the remainder of its contents into the grass. Morning would come quickly. She knew this was her only chance to get this right. She just hoped Ryan wouldn't change his mind.

(TBC)…