Title: What Lies Within Us
Chp. 16 They Called Me Mary Once
Disclaimer: I don't own. Duh.
Introduction: I know I'm delusional….but Trory. Well, obviously not at first because that would be too easy, but I wanted to clarify. Basically set in the present, maybe like a year ahead, slightly altered to make things work. Oh, side note, and although this fic started before viewing of 'wedding bell blues', assume Rory and Logan got together in similar matter (they're just not having sex), and decided on some 'strings' eventually. Stuff is slightly diff, see rest of fic.
Rating: Pg-14. That's too be safe. Pg-13 movies nowadays have much worse. But slightly upped ratings due to discussion of adult stuff.
Authors Note: Weird writing it this way when on the show they were having sex (didn't see that coming when I started the fic, and don't agree with the way it happened on show), but otherwise it's fairly similar. And, yes, long update time, sorry. As much as I wish it didn't, work takes precedence over fanfic writing.
I wrestled with how to write Logan. You'll see what I mean.
Heartbreak like this wasn't supposed to exist. It was supposed to be something you read about in books, something you saw on television. Rory had never believed she was capable of being hurt this way. Her first breakup, her last breakup, nothing had prepared her for the way she felt as she had watched Tristan walk out that door. She had never thought herself capable of that depth of feeling, at least not until now.
She hurt because of him, and for him. Rory had never known all that he felt, all that he had kept bottled up in side, all the stuff he had never shared because it wasn't 'manly' to show weakness. Nobody should have to live day after day with the memories and pain that Tristan carried around with him. It didn't make her want to reject him in the way he thought it would, it just made her want to be there for him so he could finally have someone who didn't reject him, have someone who cared.
Frustratedly she wiped the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand. She didn't know if she was supposed to be sad or angry. She didn't know how she was supposed to feel that he had walked out the door, away from her, and didn't want to have anything to do with her. She was torn between anger over his deluded notion that he was damaged goods and unworthy, and sadness over his rejection.
All she knew was that she had to stay and make him see reason. She wasn't going to leave, like he expected her to do, like he had convinced himself that it was best that she do. Tristan was worth risking her pride for, he was worth risking anything for. So, she sat there on the couch facing the door to Luke's apartment and waited for him to come back. He had to come back; all his worldly possessions were here. She didn't know what to do, only knew that if she left she would be missing a pivotal moment; if she wasn't here when he got back she would never see him again.
When it hit 7:00 AM, she wasn't worried, she knew that he was purposefully staying away until he could be sure she had left. She knew he thought he was doing what was best for both of them.
When it hit 10:00 AM she didn't want to believe it. She kept in her spot, staring at the door, waiting for him to come back.
When it hit 12:00 noon, she finally accepted that he wasn't coming back.
Rory walked down the stairs slowly, clad in her dress and coat from the night before. She ached in ways she didn't know were possible, not just physically. She hadn't seen her reflection; men like Luke didn't keep mirrors around the apartment. She didn't know that she looked like death warmed over; her carefully applied make-up was smudged from sleep and in a mess on her face from the tears she had shed, her hair was astray as she hadn't given much thought to fixing it, and her expression said it all. She carried her high heels that seemed impractical and stupid in the daytime.
It was the middle of the day outside. She had waited awhile longer on the deluded hope he might come back, that she was wrong. She stood at the bottom of the stairs and stared out into the snow covered world. It looked bright and cheerful, in direct contrast to her mood. Rory was grateful that she didn't have to come down to a diner full of patrons, but worried about her chances of getting to her car without running into anyone. With her luck Miss Patty would be taking a walk outside the diner the minute she stepped out.
When she heard a noise to her right, she turned sharply. She wanted to believe that it was Tristan more than anything, that he had been waiting down here. There wasn't supposed to be anyone else in the diner this morning. She looked hopefully for Tristan's cropped hair, but it was Luke who walked out from the back room, carrying account ledgers.
"Rory." His voice was surprised as he dropped his books down on the counter, shocked at the sight of her.
"Hi Luke," she said the words quietly, trying desperately to wipe the remnants of tears from her eyes before he noticed them, knowing it was a futile effort. "I didn't think you were coming in today."
"I wanted to catch up on some bookwork," he explained, motioning towards the accounting records he had set down, unsure of what to say. He took in her dishevelled appearance, her clothes from the night before, and the tears in her eyes, and knew that she hadn't spent the night at her grandparents like Lorelai said she had.
Rory just nodded in response to his statement, feeling so uncomfortable and embarrassed she was sick with it. She didn't want Luke to see her like this, she didn't want anyone to see her like this. She was secure in the angelic persona she had in all of their minds. She didn't want him to see her after a night spent cheating on her boyfriend with another man who hadn't even stuck around the morning after. Of throwing it all away for something she wasn't even being given the opportunity to try.
"Is Tristan up there?" Luke asked gently, noticing she looked like she wanted to bolt.
"Uh, no," her voice was hoarse as she continued, "he's not. I'm not, uh, sure where he is right now. He, um, went for a run and might not be coming back."
Luke was naïve in his own way, and delusional when it came to the girl he had watched grow up over the years, but he had a good idea what had happened the previous night. His first instinct was to find Tristan and beat the living shit out of him, but it didn't look like rashness was the solution here, anger didn't seem to have a place. Rory looked fragile at the moment, and he wished like hell her mother was here, but it was only him. "Are you okay?" he finally asked, walking over to her from behind the counter and resting his hand on her arm. He didn't know how else to broach the subject, how to be comforting.
He didn't know what to do, or how to react when she gave a soft bitter laugh. Rory didn't know how to respond, didn't know if she wanted to. She wasn't fine right now, and neither was Tristan, but instead of being able to sort it out and talk to him, she was left with no clue as to where he was. She had been trying to work up some anger, but all she could do was picture him freezing to death as he tried to jog all the way back to Yale. She knew why he was walking away, why he was avoiding her, and she was trying to understand with all she was worth, but that didn't make it hurt any less.
"Want to talk about it?" Luke finally asked when she said nothing, words he was far from comfortable uttering, but this was Rory, and he'd be there if she needed him.
Looking up at the man who had been the largest father-figure she had in her life, who had been there for her and her mom during the good times and the bad, Rory started to cry again as she told him the whole story.
Luke pulled up in front of the Gilmore house, Rory sitting in the seat of his truck beside him. He hadn't wanted her to drive when she was so upset, and had promised to bring her car by later. He killed the engine, and simply waited as she hesitated, looking up at the house.
"It's going to be okay," he told her awkwardly, trying his best to sound optimistic and comforting.
"Yeah, I suppose," Rory replied with a sad smile, her hand on the handle of the door. She paused before opening the door. "Thanks Luke, for just listening."
He nodded, uncomfortable even as he was glad he could be there for her. It had been hard to listen to her sob out her story, to know that what had started it all was the two of them up there last night doing "it" (with Rory he couldn't think of the act as anything but "it"), and in his bed no less. It had felt like he was invading Tristan's privacy when Rory had shared his darkest secrets. It had been even harder to know that there was nothing he could do for either of them to solve this problem; these weren't the kind of issues he liked to deal with, he liked problems that had clear cut solutions. He wasn't an advice kind of man, he had only been able to sit there, awkwardly patting her arm as she talked.
She hesitated, but hugged him quickly as she got out of the car. It wasn't the first time that Rory had hugged Luke, and it wouldn't be the last, but this time it sort of made him feel like he was her dad, and he liked the feeling.
Luke watched her walk up to the door, pausing on the porch before letting herself in. He wanted to go in, be back with her and Lorelai, but there was something he had to do first. Starting the truck again, he pulled away.
The house was quiet when Rory let herself in, save for the sound of the shower she could hear running. But even as she shut the door behind her Lorelai came around the corner.
"Not exactly as early as might have been wise," she told Rory, not yet noticing her daughter's expression. "But sleeping beauty finally chose to get up off the couch and go for a shower. You have a few minutes to prepare yourself for the inevitable showdown."
It didn't take her long to realize Rory still looked upset, and shell-shocked. "Honey?" she simply asked, her voice infused with sympathy as Rory sniffled a little. She was surprised even more when Rory quickly hugged her, and she wrapped her arms around her daughter, trying to comfort without even knowing what was going on.
After a minute, Lorelai leaned back a little and looked at Rory. "Tristan?" she asked the one-worded question, knowing he was somehow the cause.
"I'll tell you later," Rory promised wearily, knowing that first she had to face her blonde-haired boyfriend. "I need to talk to Logan first."
Lorelai nodded in agreement, even as Logan himself walked into the entrance way where they stood. He had just gotten dressed, and his hair was still wet from the shower. Lorelai took a look at her daughter, a look at him, and said, "I think I'll go pick up some coffee," in a falsely cheery manner, pecking Rory on the cheek as she let herself out the front door.
"What's going on Ace?" Logan asked, concerned by the expression on her face, reverting back to his old nickname for her that he slipped into from time to time.
"We need to talk Logan," she took his hand for what she knew was probably the last time as she led him into the living room. His skin was warm in hers, and she squeezed briefly before releasing his hand as they sat down on the couch.
She hesitated, not sure how to start, what to say. Rory could see he was staring questioningly at her, unsure of what she was going to say, and it made it all the harder. She had never been the one to break up, the one to end it. Not like this.
"Logan…." Her voice was hesitant as she began, and tears began to pool in her eyes. She squeezed them shut, not wanting him to see. This was one of the hardest things she had to do, hurt someone who had done nothing to harm her, someone she cared about. She had cared for Logan, would have been happy with him if she had never been exposed to something better, something more complete; Tristan.
"What's wrong?" she felt his hand reach up and brush at the tear that was sliding down her cheek, even as she resisted against them. She immediately scooted back, not to hurt him, but because she felt guilty accepting his comfort after what she had done to him last night, what she was doing now. And even more guilty because all the tears she was shedding weren't over what she was doing to him; she had imagined this moment, as hard as it would be, would be made easier by the knowledge Tristan would be waiting for her at the end.
"This…us…we can't do it anymore," she didn't know how to do it, didn't know if that was specific enough.
She watched as he stared at her dumbly, not saying anything. Rory couldn't read his face, didn't know his reaction. His face was impassive, revealing nothing. But she watched as he pulled further back from her, and knew that he had understood her sentiment, even if she hadn't delivered it right.
The silence began to stretch into minutes, and she began to wonder if she should say something, try to explain, but he suddenly stood up from the couch and stalked over to the staircase. She watched, dumfounded, as he rested his hand on the banister to the stairs before turning quickly back to her. "You're breaking up with me?"
"I'm sorry," Rory told him, sincerely, standing up and walking over to him. She understood when he brushed off the hand she rested on his arm, but it hurt all the same. "I want you to know that I care….."
"What is this all about?" he seemed genuinely confused even through the anger that was forming. "Everything was good, fine, and you're ending it? I think I'm missing something here."
She knew she owed it to him to be honest, at least as honest as she could. She wouldn't drag Tristan into this, now when he was being so adamant about having nothing to do with her. "That's the problem," she began, trying to make him understand. "It was 'good', it was 'fine'." She didn't know how to say that she wasn't willing to settle.
"I see," was all he said, his hands on his hips.
Concerned only with protecting his feelings, she continued, "It's not like everything between us was a lie. I cared about you, I still do. I just….I need more. I'm so sorry Logan, I don't want to hurt you, but it's not fair to either of us if we just go on like this when I feel this way. I'm so so sorry."
Rory still couldn't see what he was feeling; she wasn't sure if it was worse because she couldn't see any emotion on his face, or for the better. He was just staring at her intently, as if trying to comprehend all that she was saying. "So," he finally began. "What exactly happened after I left your grandparents party last night?"
"Excuse me?" the words came out without conscious thought. Whatever she had been expecting from him, that wasn't it.
"No, please, tell me, what happened after I left last night." He was insistent.
"What are you talking about?" she evaded the question as best she could, refusing to look him in the eye.
"Well, let's see. As of yesterday, besides being slightly annoyed with me for just showing up here in Stars Hollow, and ticked off I wouldn't come in too Luke's with you that one day, everything was fine. And yes, I realize, 'fine' was the reason you cited for ending this, but something had to have changed between then and now. We're just as 'fine' this morning as we were before. You didn't just wake up this morning to this sudden revelation. What happened?" He repeated his question, louder than before.
"I've been thinking about it for awhile now," she told the lie smoothly, trying to soften the blow. "It's nothing against you Logan, you know I care about you, believe that if nothing else. It's just….I've thought about it…and there's just something missing between us. That final element. You have to know that. There will be some other woman who….."
He didn't seem interested in her platitudes or explanations. "No Rory, please tell me, I want to know. What made you decide to break up with me this morning, after my grandfathers health scare, when we hadn't so much as fought, when I'm staying at your house with no easy way to extricate myself?"
She closed her eyes in regret, having completely forgotten about his grandfather the night before. As minor as it had been, as calm as he had been, she should have inquired, should have cared. "I know the timing isn't ideal," and that was a minor understatement, "But it isn't fair to either of us if we go on like this."
It was if he wasn't listening to what she was saying, how she was trying to explain. "Rory, what happened last night?"
"Nothing." She replied insistently, not giving an inch.
"Don't give me that," Logan snapped. She had never seen him angry before, not at her, not at anyone.
"Logan, nothing happened," she tried to make him leave it at that, tried to make him believe her. But she had always been a crappy liar.
"I think with this you at least owe me the truth Rory," even if he already suspected what it was. "Don't lie to me, not now. You owe me the truth."
"Nothing happened," she reiterated, but her words lacked the conviction needed to make him believe.
"You didn't spend last night at your grandparents house, did you Rory?" His words were full of condemnation, but she couldn't fault him couldn't get angry at his tone. "That's what your mother told me when I pulled in after checking on my injured grandfather early this morning, but she was just covering, wasn't she? I bet if I called Emily and Richard right now they would have no idea where you disappeared to last night, would they?"
"No, they wouldn't," her admission was quiet as she wouldn't look him in the face.
Her agreement momentarily took the wind out of his sails, but it was only for a brief instant. "Where were you?" he asked, wanting her to admit it. Since he had fixated on the issue, he knew what had caused the turnaround from the past day.
Rory's only answer was a steady stream of tears, spilling over onto her cheeks as she rested her head in her hands. She had nothing to give, nothing she could tell him that would make this any easier for any of them. There were no explanations, no excuses she could give. The truth wasn't going to solve this issue.
"Where were you?" Logan repeated the question, getting more frustrated by the minute.
Making her decision, trying to be fair to him, she lifted her head and looked him square in the face. "I was with Tristan." She admitted, trying to keep her head high.
Even though it had been what he was expecting, what he had suspected, it didn't make the words any easier to hear. "All night?" was all he asked, wanting to clarify the issue, even though there was really no question.
"Yes." There would be no more fabrications, no half-truths.
"I see." That was his immediate response. Calm, when she had been expecting a blow-up.
She didn't realize that was the calm before the storm, but she continued on. "Don't blame Tristan, it's not like that," If either of them really got what 'that' was. "He's worried beyond belief about hurting you, angering you. He doesn't want to lose your friendship. He won't be with me, it's not like that. I'm not breaking up with you for him, I'm breaking up with you because I know there's more than what we have." With Tristan, but she wasn't going to point that out.
"But you slept with him," he seemed fixated on that issue, wanting to clarify even though it had been made evident.
She owed him the truth, but it wasn't that easy to admit to the man who had officially been her boyfriend last night. "Does it really matter?" she asked, even though to him it was probably a major issue. But by her avoidance, she was just admitting her guilt.
"So, let me get this straight in my mind?" he began to pace even as he ticked off his list on his fingers. "I changed for you, I became involved in a monogamous relationship for you. I was good to you, faithful to you, and we were happy. I didn't force you, was patient when you wanted to wait to have sex. And how does that all turn out? You dump me over some quick lay?"
She hated to hear her night with Tristan discussed in such crude terms. And the rest of it, he made it sound like she had been in the wrong for not sleeping with him right away. But he was upset, and she had betrayed him in the worst way possible. She had slept with one of his closest friends. "There are no excuses for what I did," she said calmly, "It was wrong. But nothing changes the fact that you and I aren't right together."
"You had sex with him." Rory couldn't believe that was all he was fixated on. Not that she betrayed him, their relationship, but that she had slept with someone before she had with him.
She had reached the end of her patience with him. She had tread carefully because she was worried about his feelings, but he didn't even seem that upset over the loss of their relationship. "What angers you more Logan?" she snapped. "The fact that I cheated on you, or the fact that I had sex with someone when I wouldn't with you."
"I have a right to be upset." He told her insistently, thinking she was denying she had done anything wrong.
"I'm not saying you don't," Rory said in a frustrated tone. "I know I was in the wrong, and nothing can excuse what I did. But are you even upset for the right reasons?"
He ignored her question. "I can't believe this shit. I suspected he had a thing for you, ever since that afternoon in the library. Why did you think I came up here when I could have been partying with the rest of my friends?"
"To be with me?" her words came out more sarcastic than she had intended.
"Are you getting mad at me right now?" Logan was incredulous. "After last night, you're getting mad at me?"
She shook her head. "No," she told him simply, "I'm not." And she wasn't. She just felt so bloody tired after all of this. She had moved beyond anger and hurt, and that in itself should be a sign they weren't meant to be together, when she barely cared anymore that he came out of a sense of jealousy rather than wanting to be with her.
"I stayed faithful to you, even when it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I'd never done the monogamous relationship thing before, but for you I did it. Pretty girls came onto me, and although I wanted them, I didn't do it. I stayed faithful Rory, even though it was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and you wouldn't even sleep with me."
"It's not some fucking contest," Rory told him quietly. "Doesn't it tell you something by how tempted you were that this wasn't right for either of us? Relationships are supposed to be work, but not some sort of self torture. Be glad we didn't sleep together Logan, it would be something we could never take back."
Logan just shook his head, "Don't try to pretend you take sex that seriously Rory. You just didn't want to do it with me. But hey, your married ex-boyfriend stops by and you're good to go. You're attracted to someone you knew from high school and you hop in the sack. Not sleeping with me didn't have to do with morals; what stopped you, the fact that we were actually in a committed relationship with each other?"
"You bastard," those were the first words out of Rory's mouth. She had told him about her past with Dean because she believed you should be upfront in a relationship, be honest. She had trusted him. She had never thought he would throw it back at her, rub her face in her past mistakes.
"Have you ever not cheated Rory?" Logan asked cruelly, taunting her with all he knew about her past. "You cheated on your first boyfriend with Luke's nephew, you slept with your married ex boyfriend, and you slept with Tristan while you were supposed to be committed to me. Mary? That was the name they called you in high school wasn't it Rory? How the mighty have fallen, huh?"
"It's not like that; I'm not like that," Rory's words were soft even as she began to cry. She had screwed up, she had made mistakes, but she wasn't a bad person, she couldn't be. And at least this time, it had been for love.
"You're not?" he asked sarcastically.
It would have been too easy to fall back on the hurt, to let him walk all over her because she felt guilty for cheating on him. Instead she chose to let the anger out, because it was its own protection. "You're criticizing my past Logan? That's rich. So I'm curious, how many girls have you slept with? And I'm sure every relationship was deep and meaningful; at least as deep and meaningful as it can be after an hour's acquaintance."
"At least they were all single," he shot back, trying to even the score.
She never thought he could hurt her in this way. "Go to hell Logan, this has nothing to do with my sexual past, or yours. So I wasn't a virgin when I met you, neither were you. And it's not like I expected you to be."
"There's a big difference between a virgin and who……" he cut himself before he said the last word, knowing he had gone too far. But as he watched the colour drain from her face he knew there was no taking back what had remained technically unsaid.
"Get out," the words were soft, but strong. "Grab your bag, and get out."
"Rory…" he tried to say something, but she cut him off again. "If sleeping with one man before I met you makes me a whore, and one man after, I wonder what that makes you?"
As much as he had lashed out, she had taken a lot, mostly from the guilt of hurting him. But what he had been about to say, what he had implied was going too far. She watched, trying to be stoic as he gathered his belongings and stuffed them in his bag. Logan refused to look at her, for as much as regretted calling her a whore, he had no interest in reconciliation, at getting past this. He couldn't see past his anger, and didn't care if he left with her hating him.
"Here." That was all she said as she took the expensive necklace he had given her from where it had been sitting in her pocket, and tried to give it back to him.
He looked at it disgustedly, and refused to take it from her outstretched hand. "Keep it, pawn it, I don't care. I just don't want it." He did up the zipper on his bag and headed for the door. It was at that point they both noticed Lorelai, who had recently walked in. Logan just shook his head, saying nothing to her.
As angry as she was at him, Rory spoke to him when he turned back to look at her. "I never wanted it to end this way."
"Then you shouldn't have slept with my friend," Logan replied disgustedly, even as he turned and walked out the door, past the for once silent Lorelai who held two coffee cups.
Rory didn't move, even as she watched him go. She stood there motionless, even as Lorelai walked into the room, and looked at her daughter, concerned. "You heard?" she asked her mother wearily.
"The end? Yeah," Lorelai replied, still uncharacteristically reserved. She sat down on the couch, holding the two cups of coffee, and motioned for Rory to join her.
Rory sat down on the couch beside her mother and took the cup of coffeeLorelai held out to her. Silently, they sat side by side sipping their coffees, a rare occurrence. Rory because she was ashamed of it all, and Lorelai because she didn't know how to begin the conversation. She simply sipped at her coffee and waited for her daughter to speak.
"I'm not a whore, am I mom?" the words were almost emotionless, save for the slight hitch in Rory's voice. She couldn't even look at Lorelai as she asked the question, choosing instead to stare down at the top of the coffee cup.
"No," Lorelai said emphatically, rubbing her hand down her daughters back comfortingly. "You're not."
It was at that point that Rory finally started to cry; and she sobbed like her heart was breaking. And just like when she was a little girl, and her biggest problem was a B on a geometry test, she rested her head on her mother's shoulder and pretended that she could fix it all for her and make the bad stuff go away. Lorelai just wrapped her arm around her daughter and waited for the emotional storm to subside, trying to comfort and be there for when Rory was ready to talk.
Tristan stood on the only highway heading out of Stars Hollow. He knew he looked ridiculous to the average passerby. He was standing there in runners and half a formal outfit from the night before. It may not be as scary as a vagrant, but it had the same effect, nobody wanted to pick him up.
He had been trying to hitchhike back to Yale for the past hours with no success. He had ceased to feel the cold a long time ago; he didn't know if that was indifference or frostbite, but he just didn't care at this point. He had to get out, he had to go back. And this was the only way he could do it.
He couldn't face returning to Luke's, even though his stuff was there. He didn't know what option frightened him more. If Rory was there he would have to go through another emotional confrontation, and he didn't think he could handle that again; saying no to her. And if she had left, maybe she didn't really love him after all, and that was it's own painful realization. If he didn't go back, he didn't have to know which it was, and face those two different kinds of torture.
Only a few vehicles drove by; it wasn't the busiest stretch of land on New Years Day. None of them had even slowed, not that he really expected them too. But with the state of mind he was in, he would walk back to Yale if he had too. His runners were soaked through from the snow by that point, but he didn't care.
He could see a truck off in the distance, and as it approached, he stuck out his thumb in the faint hope the driver might stop. To his shock, the vehicle slowed as it neared him. As the truck idled up beside him, he was prepared to pay the man anything to take him back to campus. It was to his immense shock when it was Luke who threw open the passenger door.
"Get in," was all he said gruffly to a surprised Tristan.
A/N 2: I could have written Logan in this situation in two ways, understanding or not understanding to sort of sum it up. I wrestled with that one a little bit, but I think I chose the right way to go. He was betrayed in a way he never saw coming, and that would make him angry.
A/N 3: Yes, Tristan wasn't as involved in this chapter.