Chapter 23 – Going Back
Ryan had tossed and turned most of the night. Finally at six a.m. he forced himself out of bed. Showered and dressed by six twenty, he plopped himself on the edge of his bed and spaced out at the pool just outside the window.
He didn't hear the knock on his door, but the click of the latch got his attention. Assuming it would be Seth, he was surprised to find Sandy standing there.
"Hey, you're up early," Sandy greeted.
"Didn't sleep so good," Ryan admitted.
"Mind if I come in?"
"Sure."
Closing the door behind him, Sandy crossed the room and sat down on the bed next to Ryan.
"It's okay if I sit here, right? I've seen what you can do to Seth."
Snorting, "I think I'm over that."
"Good." Sandy waited a minute to see if Ryan would offer any information on his own but sharing his fears was still something Ryan was working on. "So, anything I can…help with?"
Ryan sighed heavily. "I just hope I'm not making a mistake."
Sandy was pleased Ryan was willing to talk about what he was feeling. Nodding, "I know how you feel. At least I think I do. Part of you hopes maybe things are a little different after all of this time. Part of you is curious. Part of you is still angry and wants to rub her nose in it."
Ryan smirked at that last line. Sandy was on the right track.
"The real question is, what do you want out of this? Do you expect anything to…change…as a result of seeing her today?"
"No, I don't expect anything to change. I don't want to move back or anything like that. I like it here. After all this time, I finally feel like I belong here. But I guess you're right. Part of me wishes she'd get her life together. No one wants a Mom like that and yet, she's still my Mom. And if she is still, a mess…I guess I just need that closure to know I've done the right thing. That my life is heading in the right direction. I mean, I know it is. I don't know what I'm looking for. Maybe life's been too good and I need some chaos."
Chuckling, "God I hope that's not the case. You've racked up enough chaos to last you a few years. And maybe by then you'll have grown out of it."
The two sat on the bed in silence for a moment, mentally reliving some of Ryan's old antics. He definitely kept things interesting.
"Tell me one thing Ryan. What if you go to Chino and she surprises you? What if she has changed?"
Again Ryan took a deep breath and wrapped his arms around his stomach. "She'll be the same. To expect her to be different is expecting too much. I learned that lesson a long time ago. I guess that's why I don't really understand why I want to do this. I'm only going to be let down again."
Sandy nodded again. "Maybe. Then again, maybe not. For whatever reason, there's a part of you that needs this. Everything we face in life makes us stronger. I have no doubt whatever you find in Chino will make you stronger. I'm proud of you kid. You've turned corners that I hadn't even thought of yet. And just remember one thing…we will always be here for you. No matter what happens in Chino, or after Chino, we love you."
"I won't come back and go on a bender if that's what you mean."
"I hope not. But that's not what I meant."
Ryan nodded. With his arms still wrapped around his stomach, he griped his belt loops. "You know, I don't think I've ever…told you…how much I…appreciate…everything. I never knew my life could be…like this. Thanks for getting my out of Chino."
Sandy felt his eyes moisten. He knew how hard that was for Ryan to say. More importantly, he knew it was genuinely heartfelt.
Wrapping his arm around Ryan's shoulder, "Oh kid, you have no idea how happy that makes me…to know you're happy here."
To Sandy's surprise, Ryan let go of himself and returned the one armed hug. It was a moment Sandy planned to treasure for a long time.
"When were you planning to head to Chino?" he asked, following Ryan's lead and letting go.
"Um, around eleven I guess. She wanted to make me lunch so… Again, if I knew what was good for me, I'd go after lunch. She's not much of a cook."
"I'll tell you what, take this. If the choices at her house don't look all that…appealing…you can treat her to lunch." Standing up, Sandy removed sixty dollars from his wallet and handed it to Ryan.
Ryan immediately laughed at the money held out in his direction. "I'm going to Chino Sandy. Even dinner at the best restaurant in town wouldn't cost more than thirty five bucks."
"Right. I'm used to the four of us going out. Take it anyway, just incase you need it. That way I know you're safe and you've got some money on you, for anything…food, car trouble…"
"Bail."
Laughing in spite of himself, "Not funny!"
Chuckling, "I'm kidding."
"Alright. I'm gonna let you get back to…whatever you need to do. Just let us know when you're leaving. We'll be home all day, if anything should come up and you need…"
"It's okay. I'll be okay."
Giving a single nod of approval, "Okay then. I'll see you inside."
Just as Sandy opened the door to leave, Ryan stopped him. "Hey Sandy?"
"Yeah?" he answered enthusiastically.
"Thanks."
"Anytime kid."
The morning went by faster than Ryan expected and before he knew it, he'd said his goodbyes and he was driving down the freeway in a daze, heading for Chino. His mind wandered for a majority of the trip. He thought about what he'd find when he got to Chino, he thought about the Cohens and he thought about Sami. Catching sight of the exit sign for Chino, he snapped back to reality. He really was going to do this.
Swallowing hard, he exited the freeway and wound through town before coming to a halt in front of his old house. Shutting the car off, he sat back and took in his surroundings. Funny, Chino never looked this hopeless when he lived here. Probably because it was all he knew. He looked at his old house with it's unkept lawn and it's equally uncared for house. He swore it looked the same as the day he left. It was as if nothing had changed. Chino seemed to be frozen in time. He pursed his lips, frustrated. He knew chances were, his Mom was also equally frozen in time, stuck in her ways. She'd probably answer the door with a bottle in her hand. He may as well get this over with. Depending on just how bad Dawn Atwood planned to let this get, the afternoon could be over before it started.
Gingerly, Ryan stepped out of the Rover and slammed the door. Reminding himself to breathe, he crossed in front of the car and pulled on the latch of the rusty chain link fence. The gate groaned as Ryan swung it open. It seemed to echo the dread he was feeling.
His heart was pounding when his boot landed on the front porch but Dawn answered the door even before Ryan could knock.
"Hey kiddo!" she smiled.
She was as cleaned up as Ryan had seen her in a long time. She was dressed nice, her make-up was applied with care, her hair had been washed…and she was sober.
Barefoot, she rushed across the porch to embrace Ryan. Holding him tighter than he liked, he managed to put one hand on her back before attempting to pull away. She was never this lovey with him and he wasn't about to start now.
"I'm so glad you came! So, why don't you come in?" she offered, still smiling.
Begrudgingly, Ryan nodded and followed her into the house. He paused at the front door and looked around. Everything was clean. Everything was in its place. The house even smelled clean instead of like stale beer and vomit.
"Wow. This is…it's nice. It's clean."
An even bigger smile broke out on Dawn's face, she was happy he noticed. "I knew you were coming and I wanted everything to be nice," she explained. "I thought maybe…"
"I'm not coming back," Ryan said with more power than he intended, his nerves getting the best of him.
"I know kiddo. I just thought, maybe if I could make it nice and keep it that way, maybe you'd come to visit every now and then."
"Let's just try to get through today first."
"Right. How about some lunch?" When Ryan grimaced, about to decline the offer, "I went out and bought that ham you like. You know, the one with the brown sugar on the edge? I got it this morning, you can look at the date. It's fresh. Please? Please let me make you lunch."
Licking his lips, Ryan let his head fall to the side and his Mom jumped all over that, assuming it was a 'yes'.
"Come on in the kitchen, I'll fix you a plate."
In the kitchen, Ryan took off his jacket and threw it over the back of his chair. His Mom immediately took notice.
"So, looks like you got a new jacket."
"Yeah, Kirsten bought it for me for Christmas."
Right after the words left his mouth, he regretted saying them. The conversation was now wide open for his Mother to ask about the gifts she'd sent him.
"That was nice of them. It looks expensive."
"Yeah well when you can hold a job for more than a week at a time you can buy nice things for the people you care about."
His Mother nodded, fighting the urge to cry. It wasn't the fact that the jacket was expensive. It was the fact that they got him something in the first place. He was her son and she hadn't bought him anything in years.
"I'm glad they got you something you know? That they made Christmas special for you, that was nice."
"You don't really want to talk about Christmas, do you?" Ryan wondered out loud. Then again, what did he think they'd talk about?
"I'm just saying…it's nice. That's all."
With his nerves still in control, Ryan was doing a slow burn over the fact that his Mom was sort of blowing off the Cohens generosity. After all, they'd run circles around his Mom in the parenting department.
"Actually, I got…thirteen gifts from them. Well, that included my stocking and there was some stuff in there too."
"They gave you all of that?" Dawn asked, bewildered.
"Yeah. Kirsten bought me some new clothes since I pretty much showed up with nothing. My jacket, a new watch, my boots are new. Oh and she got me a new backpack for school since mine was falling apart."
"Jesus," Dawn mumbled under her breath, setting Ryan's ham sandwich down in front of him.
"So, I guess, you really like it there huh kiddo? Nothing like this place huh?" She laughed hoping to hide the pain she was feeling. She wanted so badly for this visit to take away some of the hurt she was feeling, instead it only made her hurt more. She had nothing new to tell Ryan, at least, nothing he would have been interested in hearing. And all Ryan had to talk about was his new life and how great it was.
"Yeah I like it. Took some time to get used to and I had to put a lid on some of the things I used to do, but it's good."
Nodding, "That's good Ry. I'm happy for you. Really. I mean it. You…you deserve nice things."
Ryan paused in the middle of pulling his sandwich closer. Okay. Maybe not all of Chino was frozen in time. This was definitely a different woman than the one he left behind. Maybe this visit would be different after all.
"Thanks." Running his finger on the rim of the dish, "So, I saw you at a couple of the soccer games."
His Mom got nervous and stood up from the table to grab a bottle of water from the fridge. "I…I didn't want you to know I was there. I know how you felt about me…being in Newport. I don't belong there."
"How many games did you come to?" Ryan asked, looking at his Mom with the eyes of a hopeful little boy.
"Um, about, four, I guess. It took me a while to work up the guts to call the school to get the game schedule. I felt like, like I was going behind your back. But I'm glad I went you know. You're, you're amazing out there. I had no idea…" Dawn caught herself in mid sentence. "Then again, how would I know right? I never made the time before. I should have…made time."
Ryan had questions of his own he wanted answers to, but things were going rather well at the moment and he didn't want to blow the lid off just yet.
"Are you…gonna have a sandwich?"
A nervous laugh slipped out of Dawn's mouth. She wasn't expecting that. "I think I will. That ham looks awful good."
The kitchen fell quiet with the exception of lunchmeat bags rustling and the occasional slamming of the refrigerator door. Ryan bit down on his sandwich. The bread was fresh. The meat was fresh. He couldn't remember the last time fresh food had seen the light of day in that house.
Sitting down across from him, his Mom opened a new bag of Doritos and dumped them into a bowl in the center of the table. Unconsciously, Ryan helped himself to the chips and continued to eat his sandwich.
His Mom watched him eat at her table. The food was actually good for him, he actually wanted it, and they were actually sharing a meal together. She couldn't remember the last time they'd done that.
"I haven't had this ham in a long time. It's good," Ryan commented, keeping his eyes on his sandwich.
"I'm sure Kirsten has gotten it for you. Don't they sell this in Newport? It's just ham."
"Actually, I never told Kirsten I liked it."
Dawn stopped chewing and stared at her son. Apparently some parts of Ryan remained in Chino and brown sugar coated ham was one of them. She found herself tickled pink over the fact there were still things she knew about her son that no one else knew, things only a mom would know.
"I didn't realize…I guess I just assumed…"
"Newport's a little different. Well, it's a lot different than Chino. We eat a lot of Thai food."
"What's that?"
"Sort of like Chinese food. It's pretty good."
Raising her eyebrows, she looked at her son. "You like that kind of food Ry?"
"Yeah. It's good."
Touché. Now she knew Kirsten had motherly secrets as well. She never would have guessed that Ryan liked ethnic food, besides Mexican food that is. Chino had more Mexican food than American food.
"So that's interesting huh? I bet, I bet you've had some really…interesting opportunities in Newport, things you can't do in Chino." Leaning forward she hoped she was showing her son she was interested in hearing about his life.
Ryan twirled a Dorito chip in his mouth and chewed on it to flatten it out before responding. "I got to ride a wave runner. It's…like a jet ski. That was fun. Seth wouldn't ride with me after a while, I guess I drove too fast for him." Ryan snickered at the memory of Seth screaming across the lake.
"Is this it?" Stepping over to the fridge, Dawn pulled a photo out from a collection of photos held up by magnets. It was the first time Ryan realized there were several photos of him spread across the top portion of the fridge.
When his Mom handed him the photo, he found his own face staring back at him, smiling, drenched and sitting on the wave runner.
"How did you get this?" Ryan asked, more out of curiosity than anger.
"Well, um, Kirsten sent it to me. Don't be mad at her, I never asked her to keep in touch. I guess she just wanted me to know that you were safe, and you were doing okay. When I came to Newport, there was a time when I noticed a photo of you and Seth and…Sandy…I guess you guys had a water fight of some kind. Everyone was soaked and happy. You looked like you were having so much fun. I told Kirsten I didn't have any photos of you smiling. It's one of the ways I knew you belonged in Newport. I could see how happy you were there."
Ryan stood up to look at the photos on the fridge. There were several photos of him there, all of them with him smiling, well, with the exception of the one with him asleep at the kitchen table on top of his physics book. He knew life with the Cohens had worked out but it wasn't until he could see certain events laid out in front of him like this that it really hit home. He really was part of a family now.
"It doesn't bother you that she sends these?"
"In the beginning it was hard to get the letters and see the pictures. She was giving you everything that I couldn't…or…wouldn't. I never put you and your brother first. That's a mistake I'll regret for the rest of my life. But look at you, you know. You're in a place now that…Ryan it'll open doors for you for the rest of your life. That's something I could never have given you, no matter how hard I tried. You'll never have to work at the mill. You won't have to spend your hard earned paycheck at 'Ray's Place', just because it's the only hangout in town. You'll have a life, a real life. You have a family now that can give you the right guidance and support. And you'll have an education, a good one. Hell, you even have a brother now that's not trying to help you get arrested every five minutes."
They both snickered at that last comment. That remark was dead on accurate.
When the humor died away, "You could've done this too you know. You just never tried," Ryan reminded his Mom.
Facing the truth, "You're right. I never put any energy into you boys. I only thought about myself. Now you boys are old enough to make your own way. You're both smarter than I am and braver than I am. Who knows maybe I'll learn a thing or two from you guys now that I'm a little older."
Ryan watched his Mother, embarrassed, turn away and take her seat at the table. He gave the photos on the fridge one last look before sitting down.
There was one question that was still eating his brain and he wanted to know the answer. "I was surprised…I mean, when I got here…"
"You thought I'd be soused," she answered, completing his sentence.
"Yeah. Do you still drink?" Ryan didn't want to see her face when he asked that question, but he needed to see it for the answer. Her face would tell him things her mouth refused to admit if she chose to lie to him.
Dawn placed both of her hands flat on the table and took a deep breath. "I do. Not as much as I did, I'm…I'm better, but I'm nowhere near perfect. I guess the difference is now I drink for different reasons. I used to drink to party, or to keep up with the guy I was with at the time, or even to forget that I live in this hellhole. Now I drink because…because I had more than I realized…and I lost it all. And it's my fault that it's gone. Some days it hurts so much it makes me numb, even without the bottle."
Ryan wasn't prepared to hear that. It was safe to say that he came to Chino with both barrels cocked, expecting the worst. He was pleasantly surprised the visit was going along rather nicely. It was almost unnerving.
"I tried to get you to stop," Ryan mumbled.
"You did. You tried so many times Ry. You were always so smart. I just…I couldn't see what was happening to me. I wasn't ready to stop."
"And now?" Ryan interrogated matter-of-factly.
Dawn met her son's eyes. He knew how to read through lies. There was no point in skirting the truth. "It's too late."
Ryan never saw his Mom like this, truthful, regretful and defeated. "You managed to get yourself together for today."
Chuckling, ever since you called, I've spent every moment possible trying to get this place in order. It wasn't easy, but it turned out pretty nice."
"If you think it's too late, why did you try so hard?"
"Because, you said it yourself, this was my only chance to get this right. I'd already pushed you so far away Ryan…it was a miracle when you called. And, to tell you the truth, I…I didn't think you'd come. I thought for sure you would change your mind and cancel the plans, and I would have understood that."
"I'm proud of you…for trying. You know, when I moved in by the Cohens, it wasn't easy for me either. Life is, so different there. I made mistakes too. I made a lot of them. Kirsten would always tell me that I had to try. Nothing would change unless I tried. And she was right. It took a while but I finally got my act together. I guess anything is possible if you want it bad enough."
Dawn nodded, chewing over her son's words. He'd learned a lot since he left. She could see it in his demeanor and she could hear it in his words. He had grown up so much. He was no longer a boy. Now there was a man sitting across from her.
"Maybe one of these days I'll get my life together too. Maybe someday I could…be someone you could be proud of."
"You just have to remember to try," Ryan encouraged. "Every day is a new chance, but you have to try."
(TBC)…