Raising Ryan
Chapter 24 – Finale: Finding Your PlaceA few hours had passed by the time Ryan realized how much time he'd spent in Chino. His Mother caught him glancing down at his watch at one point.
"I didn't realize the time. I'm sure you need to get back. I hate to see you go, but I'm sure everyone is expecting you."
Rising from the couch, Dawn kept her eyes away from Ryan's. She didn't want him to see how sad she was that it was time for him to go.
"I probably should hit the road. It's a good hour's drive back." Striding to the kitchen, Ryan pulled his coat on and walked back to the front door where his Mom was waiting for him.
"I know um, I know I shouldn't ruin this with any tears, but I'm not sure I can stop them," she explained. In a voice barely above a whisper, "I just want you to know how much I appreciate you coming here today. I didn't deserve this, but you made me so happy."
Ryan shifted uncomfortably on his feet and gestured to the room behind him. "You impressed me today. You put your mind to it and did all this. Who knows what you could do. Just…you gotta remember to try. Maybe next time…"
"Next time?" she interrupted.
Ryan looked at her with those blue eyes of his, eyes that penetrated in all the right ways. "If it could be like this, I wouldn't mind…coming back, every now and then. If it…could be like this…"
He watched his Mom's eyes erupt with tears. Kirsten taught him that change would come about once the right motivation was in place. He couldn't help but wonder if maybe this was the motivation that would make a difference in his Mother's world. He supposed it was worth a try.
Extending her arms she held Ryan tight again. This time he wrapped both arms around her and closed his eyes. He'd dreamt of having a moment like this since he was a little boy. He didn't want to let go.
"Oh my sweet boy. I don't want this day to end but your family is going to be looking for you. I have to let you get home or you'll miss dinner." Chuckling nervously, she pulled back from her son, only to find his eyes were red and damp. The only emotion she was used to seeing out of him was anger. "I'm so proud of you Ryan. I hope someday I can make you proud too."
"It's not easy. You have to keep at it even when you think you've got nothing left. I did it and you can do it too. This meant a lot to me today. I told you to get this one right and I couldn't have asked for anything more. You did really good today."
Dawn's cheeks reddened with embarrassment. She was so worried about the visit going well and here her son was confirming its success.
"You're welcome here anytime Ryan." Snickering a bit, "Just, give me a bit of notice before you come…just incase I didn't try as hard the day before," she joked.
"That's fair. You're on the right track. Just take it one day at a time. I'll call you again sometime."
"I'd like that." As Ryan turned and passed through the doorway, "Ryan…I really enjoyed this. Thank you for coming today," she repeated.
Offering a shy smile, "Me too. I'll see you around."
Dawn watched her son climb back into his car and buckle his seatbelt. He held his hand up to wave goodbye, before finally pulling away.
She watched the car pause at the corner before turning and disappearing from her sight. Just like that, her son was gone again. She slumped against the doorframe and allowed the tears to stream down her face. She wished there was a way to replay the day so she could relive each and every moment of it.
Eventually she pulled herself together and went back inside. Dragging her hands across her face her make-up streaked from the lingering tears. She opened the fridge intending to reach for another bottle of water but found a bottle of gin looking right back at her. She could feel a strange feeling in her gut, something that she'd never experienced before.
Shaking her head at the bottle, "I lost my son once to you, I'm not losing him again." Slamming the refrigerator door, she immediately began rummaging through her junk drawer for a black magic marker and some scrap pieces of paper. Feverishly she jotted down the words Ryan had said to her or at least the gist of what he said, repeating them all out loud as she did so.
"Every day is a new chance…it's okay to make mistakes, try again." And on the last piece she wrote, "TRY" really big. Taking her bits of encouragement, she scattered them in between Ryan's photos across the front of the fridge. "I might make mistakes, but I'm gonna try too Ry. You said you made mistakes along the way and look how far you've come. I'm gonna try kid. I'll try."
Wiping her eyes one last time, Dawn picked up the phone and dialed. "Angie? It's Dawn. I was wondering if you wanted to come over tonight, maybe we could go out for some fajitas or something…no…no margs for me…today's a new day."
Ryan pulled off at a local diner before hitting the highway. He was desperately craving a cup of coffee as well as a better understanding of what just happened. After a lifetime of struggling and fighting, the drinking and the abuse, it was hard to fathom such a nice afternoon was possible with his mother.
Sliding into a booth near the window, he ordered himself a cup of coffee. He watched his cup fill up with the black liquid and offered the waitress a 'thanks' before she walked away. Wrapping his hands around the cup he pulled it closer and studied the white curls of steam that drifted upwards from the cup. He still couldn't believe the afternoon went as well as it did. His Mom was really sober. She had food in the house that wasn't moldy or sour. She actually confirmed seeing him playing soccer. And when he thought about it for a moment, she really did acknowledge the Cohens as his family. She really did make today count.
"Well, well, look who's out in my neck of the woods," a voice interrupted.
Still deep in his thoughts, it took Ryan a moment to look and recognize Officer McGhee standing before him.
"Hey Tommy," Ryan greeted, surprised to see the officer. "Must be three o'clock, time for coffee," he teased.
"You know it kid!"
"You can sit down if you want," Ryan offered, throwing Tommy off guard.
"An invitation? To sit down for coffee with Ryan Atwood? Where's my Ryan and what did you do to him?"
Stifling a smile, "Shut up and sit down!"
Accepting Ryan's offer, Tommy sat down and the waitress automatically delivered him a cup of coffee. "Look at you man. All cleaned up, a little bit of manners to you now. I'm impressed. Why the hell would you come back here?"
Throwing his arm across the back of the booth, Ryan toyed with a sugar packet with his right hand. "I came back, to see my Mom."
Knowing the history there, Tommy's face got serious and his head tipped back preparing for the worst, assuming all joking had just come to an end. "And? She okay?" It was also safe, based on Ryan's history, to assume he had come to see his Mom only because something happened, something was wrong.
"She's good. Matter of fact, today she was really good, surprised me even."
Tommy had been down this road many times with Ryan. This wasn't the first time she had a good day. Truth was, that's all they ever seemed to be was good 'days'. The woman could never seem to string several good days together to form a good week or a good month. A good day here or there was all she could ever manage.
Worried about Ryan's enthusiasm, "Ryan…"
"I know, I know…it's only one day. But this was an important day. I haven't seen her in a long time and the last time I saw her we had a pretty bad fight. We said things, goodbyes and everything. When I called her and told her I was coming back for a visit, I told her not to screw this up…and she got it right. The house was clean, she went out and bought fresh food for lunch, she was sober…" Ryan paused a moment, thinking about the afternoon's events. "She got it right. Given her history I came back here expecting the Dawn Atwood I know and hate. But for once, she got it right."
"That's good man. And what about you? What about Ryan?"
Raising his eyes off the table, Ryan gave a crooked smile. "You wouldn't recognize me on the street any more."
"Oh no? I found you today!"
Smiling, "Yeah, but that's cheating. This is Chino. Back where I live now I go to school, I do homework, I'm on the soccer team…I've been with the same girl for about three months I guess."
"Ryan Atwood has a steady girl? Get out of here! You were doing a different girl every night! I know because I caught you a few times!"
Laughing at the person he used to be, "That was then man."
Shaking his head, "Unbelievable. So this girl is she…entertaining," Tommy asked jokingly, still playing off Ryan's past.
"Don't go there. Not with this girl, this one's a real lady. I spent a lot of time with tramps in Chino. I only wanted one thing from them. I care about this girl. She got me interested in school, she's got manners, she opened my eyes to a lot of things, good things. And she likes me for who I am. Hell, even her folks seem to like me, I still can't get used to that."
"Ryan, no girl's parents like you," Tommy teased.
Laughing at the truth behind that comment, "Yeah well, this one's does. I'm taking it while I can get it."
"My God," Tommy stuttered. "It's like you went away and became a man while you were gone. And not this rite of passage mumbo-jumbo Chino style, stealing cars and picking up women. You really got your life together."
"I'm working on it," Ryan smirked.
"I gotta tell you kid, I was worried about you. There were nights that you had me wondering if we were gonna have one of those long-term relationships, you know what I'm saying?"
"I was heading that way, I really was. This family that took me in…I've never known people like them before. They didn't give up on me even on the days I'd given up on me. I learned a lot from them. If it wasn't for them…" Ryan ended his comment abruptly and stared into his coffee mug.
"Well whatever you're doing Ryan, you're doing it right. You're back in school and you're with a good girl now. I'm glad to see you're on your way to a happy ending man. You deserve it."
"You're not gonna get all mushy on me now, are you?" Ryan asked, grimacing.
"No. But I am going to get back to work." Standing up from the table the officer called in to the dispatcher to let them know he was back on the street.
"I should get moving too."
"I supposed you're going to hit up the waitress for some smokes on your way out?"
"Nope. I quit."
"What do you mean, you quit? You love cigarettes."
"I'm telling you, I quit. They were just another crutch for this hellhole. I don't need them any more." Sliding out of the booth, Ryan pulled out a couple of singles and threw them down on the table for the waitress.
"Going to school, having a real girlfriend and he gave up cigarettes? This is more than I can bear!" Tommy razzed. "But I love it. You did good for yourself kid. Stay strong and stay off the streets. I'm proud of you for turning it all around. It takes a real man to do that."
"I doesn't hurt to have a good family behind you either," Ryan added shyly.
"That's true. Take care of yourself kid." Tommy extended his hand for a street shake and pulled Ryan into a one-armed hug just as his radio went off with a call. "I'll see ya kid."
Ryan followed Tommy out the door before turning to head to his own car. Starting the engine, Ryan buckled his belt and cranked the radio up. He never spent a day in Chino that made him feel as good as he felt at that moment. Putting the car into gear, he aimed it for the expressway to head back to Newport.
When the Cohens heard the front door shut, they were relieved to know Ryan was safely back home.
"In here Ryan," Kirsten called. "You're just in time, we ordered some Thai for dinner."
"Smells great," Ryan replied, entering the kitchen with a smile.
"He's smiling, that's a good sign," Seth observed. "So, since I'm the only one with the brass to be forward enough…we want to know how it went, so spill the beans."
"Seth! Let him have some dinner would you? Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it," Sandy fussed, bringing a smile to Ryan's face immediately. He liked the fussing over him, quite a bit in fact.
"It's okay Sandy. The visit went really good. She really surprised me. I could tell that she really tried. Now I know how Kirsten could always tell the difference between when I was trying and when I wasn't. It was obvious that she went out of her way to make today really nice."
"Well, that's great. It sounds like everything went even better than you hoped for," Seth added.
"It did. She…admitted a few things that were important to hear. We had lunch as her house and she even went out and bought new food just for that. I can't remember the last time that house saw fresh food. She cleaned everything from top to bottom." Flipping his hand in the air, Ryan shook his head at the vision of his old home being so clean. "That house never looked that good, not even when my Dad was still living there. She really tried. I told her…I told her if it could be like that again sometime, I would…be willing to come back for another visit. She knows I'm not moving back. She knows that I like it here and she knows I belong here. But, maybe we could at least get to a place were we could have some sort of understanding or respect for each other. We'll see how it goes I guess. This is only one day. Anyone can pull off one day."
Kirsten handed Ryan a fork for his dinner. "But you, of all people, realize how much work it is to put a few good days together. It takes time and patience…and support from people who care about you."
"One day at a time right? Because it's okay to make mistakes," Ryan recited his learned lesson out loud.
"That's right. As long as you get up and try again. I'm so happy for you Ryan. I know how much this meant to you. Give her a chance. You never know…"
Sensing the mood was getting a little thick in the kitchen, "Hey, how about we get to this food before it gets cold?" Sandy interrupted.
A unison of agreement filled the kitchen and everyone reached across each other to get to their food of choice. When all was said and done, Ryan and Sandy were alone in the kitchen, still piling a few things onto the plates.
" Boy am I glad you got here in time for this. You have any idea how hard it would have been to keep Seth out of your Pad Thai?"
Laughing, "I'd just smack him around a little bit. He'd give it up eventually."
Sandy put his hand on Ryan's back and gave him a few pats. He noticed Ryan didn't even flinch. "Come on kid, let's eat."
After dinner was over and Ryan had satisfied Seth's curiosity about his trip to Chino, Ryan slipped out to the pool house and dialed Sami. A smile spread over his face when she answered the phone.
"Hey, it's me."
"Ryan, hey! You sound good, I take it the visit was a success?"
"Yeah it went pretty good but maybe I could save that story for another day? I was hoping maybe you wanted to come over, maybe rent a couple movies or something?"
"I happen to have, in my hands at this very moment, a copy of Saw and a copy of The Transporter…and a brand new box of microwave popcorn. How does that sound to you?"
"Sounds like the perfect evening to me."
"I do have one favor to ask."
"Sure."
"My cousin is over, do you think Seth would be interested in a double date sort of thing tonight? You can be honest, I don't want to make him feel like he has to do this. She's only a year younger than us so if I don't bring her with me, she'll go out shopping or something. It's no big deal."
"Are you kidding? I bet Seth would love to meet her. One question for you now…she's not a 'red blouse' sort of girl, is she?"
Giggling at Ryan's comment, "No! No, not at all. She's more of a forest green blouse if you ask me. She's very much a lady, I promise."
"Perfect. See you guys in about an hour?"
"We'll be there."
Ryan made his way back to the family room and plunked himself down on the couch next to Seth and picked up a game controller.
"Uh oh, what happened? No napkin girl tonight?" Seth inquired.
"Nah, she's coming. She's even bringing someone for you to meet."
Seth paused the game before Ryan could even get started. "Wait…what? You mean like a date? A date with a girl? Tonight? Ryan, we don't have time for games, you have to prime me for this. You have to tell me what to do and what to say! How much time do we have? Should I get my index cards?"
"Seth! Calm down. It's her cousin. They're coming over with movies and popcorn and I'm told she's 'forest green'."
"Oh yes! I can handle this, I can. At least I think I can. Should I change? Do I look alright?"
"Just…be yourself. Or, be a much calmer version of yourself…and you'll be fine."
Talking to himself, Seth settled back against the couch again. "So, we have a whole hour to kill. What are we going to do in the mean time? It's a whole hour Ryan!"
"In the mean time, we get Seth/Ryan time so I can kick your ass." Grabbing Seth's controller, Ryan restarted the game and started programming his players.
Seth on the other hand was still staring at the screen.
"What's wrong with you?" Ryan asked finally.
"Can I just tell you something?"
"Seth, it'll be fine tonight. It's movies, you don't even have to talk."
"No, it's not that."
"What?"
"I just…you're the best brother I could have ever asked for. And not just because of tonight. You get me and a lot of people don't get me…or, don't want to get me because well, I'm me."
Ryan snickered at that remark. It made perfect sense.
"At first when you said you were going to Chino and I thought you might be leaving, I can't even explain how that made me feel. I didn't want you to leave. You mean a lot to me and I don't think I've ever told you that. So…I just wanted to tell you that."
"Thanks. I feel the same about you…even though you force me to kick your ass every now and then. You know you always bring those moments on yourself."
"I do. But then again, brothers do that right? They wrestle and stuff?"
"They do."
Nodding in silence for a moment, "Maybe just once you could let me hit you?" Seth remarked.
"No."
"Okay. Maybe we should just get back to Seth/Ryan time?"
"That would probably be best."
It was late in the evening when Sami cornered Ryan alone in the kitchen and wrapped her arms around his waist. "This was a really nice evening. I hate to say it, but I'm going to have to get going."
"That's okay. There's always tomorrow, right?"
"Always."
Raising her hands to Ryan's face, she kissed him. Still holding his face, "I'm so glad today went well for you. I can see it in your eyes."
"It did. It really did. But Chino is Chino and this is Newport…and I've got everything I need right here."
"Me too."
After seeing the girls off, Ryan managed to put Seth off, telling him he'd grade his girl skills in the morning. Still floating on cloud nine, Ryan watched Seth float up the stairs on his way to bed. He could be such a character at times.
Ryan paused in the living room and stood at the mantle looking at all the photos displayed there. His life was finally at peace. He could feel it. Even the part of him that dealt with his Mother seemed oddly calm. Even if she failed the next time he saw he, he'd remember today. She did try today and that was more than he expected.
"Oh Ryan, I didn't know you were still up."
Kirsten's voice startled him and he jumped. She noticed him looking at the photos.
"Is everything okay?"
"Yeah. Fine. Sami and her cousin just left. I was just looking at these before I went to bed."
"I love these photos."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure. Anything."
Nodding, "How come you never told me that you sent my Mom pictures of me?"
Licking her lips, "Well, it wasn't to keep a secret, that's for sure. At the time you and your Mom weren't getting along and I wasn't sure you'd approve of the photos…and yet, on the other hand, I'm a Mom too. If you or Seth went to live somewhere else, with someone else, I'd want to know they were taking care of you, that you were happy there. That would be important to me. I tried to treat her the way I would hope someone would treat me if I were in her shoes."
The explanation surprised Ryan. "But…I thought you hated her. Why would you go out of your way to be nice to her?"
"Because she's still your Mom. She may have done things that upset me, mostly because I got to know you and some of the things she did, hurt you. As Moms we tend to be protective and we think we're doing the right thing all the time, even when we're wrong. You guys don't come with any instructions so we're winging it most of the time. Maybe she did the best she could with what her Mom taught her. Maybe she didn't have anyone to help her pick up the pieces. Whatever the reason, she's still your Mom and out of respect for you, I tried to be respectful to her."
Ryan turned his attention back to the photos on the mantel. "She saved them all. Well, she had a bunch of them up on her refrigerator. She said she liked them because I was smiling."
"Mmm-hmm. She told me that too. She said she didn't have any pictures of you smiling. I guess that's why they are so special to her."
Turning to Kirsten again, "She told me that's one of the reasons she knew I belonged here, she could see how happy I was." Breaking eye contact, Ryan looked down at his hands. "You know, it wasn't until I saw all those photos in her kitchen that I realized I really am a part of your family."
"Ryan, of course you are. Always."
"I know, I know I am, but I guess I never realized just how much you accepted me you know? Coming here changed my life. I owe so much to you and your family."
"You mean your family. Or maybe I should say our family."
"Right," Ryan snickered.
Leaning forward, Kirsten embraced Ryan and he returned the gesture.
"Thank you," he muttered. Pulling away he tried to, discreetly, wipe his eyes.
"We will always be here for you. Always. We love you."
"I love you guys too." Pausing a moment, "I guess I better get to bed. Seth with be up bright and early, wanting me to critique his technique with Sami's cousin," Ryan smirked.
"You better take some aspirin with you, you're gonna need it come morning."
"I'm gonna need more than aspirin. I'll see you tomorrow."
"'Night."
Kirsten watched Ryan disappear into the kitchen before she turned out the living room lights and went up to bed.
Ryan paused on the patio before entering the pool house and looked up at the sky. The stars seemed brighter than normal. It was hard to pick out the brightest one. He wondered if that meant something. He wondered if his Mom made the same observation. It had been a good day. A really good day.
In the pool house, he lazily stripped out of his clothes and prepared for bed. After flopping down on his bed, he rolled over to look at the photo on his night table. It was a photo of him and the Cohens from their vacation to the lakes. Everyone was smiling, everyone was happy. It was clear they were enjoying themselves. The photo made Ryan smile to himself. As Kirsten reminded him in the living room, the photo of his family.
Reaching up, Ryan switched off the lamp and snuggled against the sheets, still staring at the photo. So this is what it felt like to have a life that meant something, that fulfilled voids he'd only dreamed of.
Rolling onto his back his mind drifted to what the morning would bring, mainly Seth and more of his incoherent babbling and paranoia about girls, specifically the difference between the right and the wrong way to serve microwave popcorn to a girl who is the cousin of your sort of brother's girlfriend. Snorting out loud, he shook his head. That was exactly what was going to happen…and he looked forward to it for once.
Allowing his eyes to close, he replayed the day's events in his mind. He couldn't imagine a more perfect day, at least he couldn't have asked for anything more. Letting his thoughts turn into dreams, he dropped off into a peaceful sleep, knowing dreams can come true. And sometimes, they can be even better than anything he ever imagined.
THE END.
A/N – So there we have it. Ryan's life has come full circle and he's at peace with himself and all other aspects of his life. What a journey this has been! I had no idea it would ever have been this big! THANK YOU to everyone who has followed me through this little adventure, or trilogy (Shadow Games, Bad Behavior and Raising Ryan). Your feedback and encouragement helped make this story a great success!
For those who don't know…there is a new Baby Chino in the picture: D Much thanks goes out to everyone for their support, prayers and well wishes. That meant so much to me. With God's blessing, Baby Chino will arrive in early June – our own little Junebug! Baby Chino is one of the reasons I chose to wrap up 'Raising Ryan' but mostly because Ryan's story is complete…he's grown, he's achieved and he's moved on…and thus, so must we: D I promise to keep writing, there's always more ideas on the back burner!
I wish you all a wonderful and joyous holiday season!
Super Chino : D