Title: What Lies Within Us
Chp. 19 Putting It All On the Line
Disclaimer: Unless I morphed into a Palladino last night, I own nothing. Hell, even the title comes from a quote by someone else.
Intro: If you're looking for this now, I suggest reading some previous chapters.
Rating: PG-13
Author's note: A little shorter than usual, yes. But still high quality (ok, so I ALWAYS think what I write is high quality). A little longer to update cause I wasn't exactly sure how I was going to go where I wanted with the fic - fortunately I figured it out.
This would have been out faster, but I got sidetracked writing a one parter Ghosts of Boyfriends Past which very few people read. But you know, sometimes when inspiration strikes you can't ignore it.
Tristan sat in Luke's truck, his head resting against the window. Every so often they would go over a bump, and his head would smack against the glass, but he would still just allow it to sit there. Somehow he didn't think he had the energy to hold it up anymore. Lack of sleep, emotional exhaustion, physical bruising and pain medication didn't exactly make him feel up to jogging around the block.
He and Luke hadn't said much in the whole time since they had left the Gilmore's. They had stopped back at Luke's place to grab all Tristan's stuff, and then they were on their way back to Yale. After all this, it was still New Year's Day, but Tristan needed to get out. Deep down he hoped the physical distance would make the situation easier, when he wasn't confronted with what he was leaving behind. Logically he knew in a few days Rory would come back to school, but it was a big campus, and it wasn't her home turf. It would be easy enough to become a recluse.
"Where are you going to stay?" Luke asked as he skidded a little on an icy patch.
Tristan hadn't thought that far ahead yet. All he had thought about was getting out, getting back. It had never really computed that he would no longer be welcome at Logan's, and he wouldn't be able to get situated in his new dorm until the university officially reopened in a couple days. "I have a friend I can stay with," he lied, knowing that there were places open on campus all day a person could sleep if they were desperate.
Luke looked disbelieving, but he said nothing, knowing pressing the issue would do no good. "This friend's place I'm dropping you at, is it on campus?"
Tristan side stepped the issue, "Just drop me at Logan's. I left a few things there to pick up, and Jordan is in the same dorm." Never mind he had never met anyone named Jordan. He was becoming quite proficient at the art of lying.
"And Logan lives…….?" Luke let his voice trail off, having no idea where Rory's ex's place was on campus
Tristan gave him the name of Logan's dorm, which wasn't far from Rory's, and leaned back against the window, just waiting for the buildings of Yale to come into view.
Rory sat behind the wheel of her mother's jeep, which she hadn't driven since her high school graduation. She was manoeuvring her way through the streets of Stars Hollow. It was a holiday, but she waved to some people she knew as she drove by, out enjoying the winter weather.
Twilight had set in, and gave Stars Hollow that mystical feeling. But no place in town was her final destination. She was headed back to Yale. Not because she felt the need to study between terms, it was to talk to Tristan.
She could have had it out with him in her mother's kitchen, but it wasn't the place. Not with her mother and Luke standing around. For their discussion they needed privacy, preferably a room where she could lock Tristan in there with her and he wouldn't escape until she had her say. She understood his reasoning for all this angst, but knew it was a load of crap at the same time. Maybe he thought he was being considerate, but walking away from her was hurting her more than any other issues he may have.
Rory had never had to be the pursuer before. In relationships, she had always been the pursuee. She had never had to fight for what she really wanted. She wasn't going to say that her relationships had always been happy go lucky, but they had been easy. As soon as anything got difficult, it was the end, and she had never forced the issue. She liked to think it was because she knew that none of them had been right for her, but it wasn't that romantic. It was that she was a chicken shit; scared of being hurt, scared of putting it out there. Saying so much as an "I Love You" almost gave her an ulcer, risking more had never happened.
She had no idea how to do it with Tristan, but knew she had to try. He was worth it, they were worth it. It wasn't like she was going out on a limb admitting her feelings, she knew they were reciprocated. It was the whole other stack of emotional baggage that she had to tackle. This endeavour might cost her carefully guarded pride, but she had to make the attempt. She would never be able to move past it if she just let him walk out of her life, because she had no doubt he would go out of his way to avoid her in the future, despite being at the same university.
One of the most commonly asked questions was 'when do you know you're in love'? Before the last couple days Rory couldn't have answered that question, now she could. What she had thought was love before didn't even compare; she had loved Dean and Jess, but it wasn't the same kind of love. It wasn't a consummate love like this. When her mother assured her that she would find someone else, Rory knew that it wouldn't happen. Love like she had for Dean and Jess was fine, but when you've known something else, you can't settle for anything less.
She pulled out onto the highway out of Stars Hollow, heading to Yale. She knew that it wasn't a long drive, after all she had done it every weekend. Initially she had thought it would be ideal to give her time to think about what to say to Tristan, but knew in the end she could do nothing but play it by ear. You couldn't script out something like this, as tempting as it was for her to try.
Carefully she controlled the jeep as she drove down the road. With the new snow and the cold night, it was icy on highway. She wasn't the most confident driver in most circumstances, and in weather like this she didn't want to go at much more than a crawl.
Rory knew they had gotten a head start on her. Even with the stop they had to make at Luke's they would have been gone long before her. Getting out of her house hadn't been easy. She hadn't wanted to say where she was going, but Lorelai wouldn't let her go until she told her. That woman was persistent, as Rory had learned after years of living with her. She knew Lorelai didn't truly understand how much she had to do this. In many ways she and her mother were alike, not wanting to risk being hurt.
She could see the car coming towards her and she checked to make sure she had her headlights on. Often when it was dusk like this she tended to forget.
Unfortunately headlights don't help when an oncoming car skids on a patch of ice.
Tristan slid out of Luke's truck as soon as they had parked in front of Logan's dorm, and Luke killed the engine. The drive to Yale had seemed to take an eternity, neither man sure what to say to one another. Dead silence made for an uncomfortable trip.
"Thanks, for everything," Tristan told Luke, a massive understatement. He held out his hand, and watched as the older man shook it after letting out a heavy sigh.
Tristan could tell that Luke was reluctant to let him go, but knew he couldn't stop him. "You going to be okay?" was all he asked, not sure how else to put it. And although neither would admit they were talking about anything else, they knew he was talking about more than just Tristan's physical state.
Tristan nodded, lifting his heavy bag out of Luke's truck, not saying anything else in response. Save for some clothing and personal items still at Logan's, the contents of this duffel bag were all he had in the world. And he knew that tucked in there somewhere was an MCAT book, the cover full of Rory's writing. He couldn't bring himself to leave it behind. He wasn't sure what to say to Luke, how to end this awkward moment, so he just stood there, resting against the open truck door.
There was so much Luke wanted to say to the younger man, but he recognized the traits of himself at twenty one, of any man at twenty one. That was the problem with youth, one always felt that they knew best. Imparting the wisdom one had learned over forty odd years of trial and error would just fall on deaf ears. This was a mistake that had to be made, and Luke would have to let him make it. It went against every instinct ingrained in him, but this wasn't in his realm of control.
Sometimes when Lorelai teased him about hiding a blatant busybody under his stern, flannel clad exterior, she wasn't too far off.
"Good luck," was all he said gruffly to Tristan, giving the younger man a little half wave, and only watched as Tristan nodded back, and slammed the door shut before heading on his way. He knew as well as Tristan did that there was no 'Jordan', but there wasn't anything he could do about it.
Tristan slowly walked into the building, and made his way to Logan's dorm room so he could pick up his stuff and get out. The building was silent, the normal hustle and bustle of student life temporarily suspended for the holidays. Logically he knew that he could probably crash there for a couple days as Logan and his roommate would be nowhere near the place until school started up again, but even if Logan would never know, he couldn't take advantage like that.
He slid the key into the door. It would be easy enough for him to grab his stuff and leave the key behind, then he would never have to face Logan again. It was surprisingly easy how willing he was to just forget their friendship. Of course, after the events of the past couple days, there would be no other option.
Of course that plan didn't take into account the fact that he would find Logan sitting on his couch, playing video games.
"What are you doing here?" he couldn't keep the shock out of his voice. Logan was supposed to be at his parents, not lounging around by himself in his dorm room for the rest of the break.
Logan glanced up from the game. "I wasn't in the mood for other people," he replied. He was about to take the game off pause, but then he fully took in Tristan's appearance. He hesitate a moment, then put down his controller. "You okay?" the words were short, and he refused to look Tristan in the eye, but the question was still asked.
"Likely," was all Tristan was willing to give in return. This moment was awkward, but not in the same way it could have been. He wasn't uncomfortable being in Logan's presence because of mere guilt, it was also because he had to control his temper.
"Sorry," Logan's apology was hesitant, but he was enough of a man to know it had to be said. "I was just so angry, I didn't mean to……that."
"It's done," Tristan wasn't in the mood to get into a conversation with him over this. "Besides, I'm not the only one you have to apologize too."
"I take it Rory told you about our conversation this morning," Logan's tone was dry as he figured out what Tristan was making reference too. When Tristan nodded his reply, Logan just shook his head, "I know I wasn't exactly kind Tristan, but I don't owe her anything. In case you forgot, my girlfriend had sex with you. I haven't forgiven you either, but that's no excuse for the fact that I left you unconscious."
As much as Tristan wanted to plow his fist into Logan's stomach, he knew it wasn't the right course of action. "I'll get my stuff," was all he replied, knowing that a conversation between the two of them would solve nothing.
Logan watched as Tristan walked into the living room, his makeshift bedroom of the past couple weeks, where his few remaining things were stored under the coffee table. "You have a place to stay?" he asked, leaning against the wall.
Tristan shook his head, even as he shoved his stuff into a plastic bag. He looked at Logan with a sarcastic half smile on his face, "You offering?"
"No," Logan gave a half bark of laughter as he realized how out of place his question was.
Finally Tristan stood up, his stuff all place. "I'll get out of your way," was all he said quietly as he walked towards the door.
"Were we friends?" Logan's voice stopped him as he reached the door. Tristan turned around, not sure what to say, and Logan asked again, "When you came back, were we even really friends?"
Tristan wasn't sure how to answer that. When he had met up with Logan again, he was a changed person while Logan had stayed essentially the same way he had been since childhood. But as much as they were different people, there was more there than just gratitude for Logan taking him in when he needed it. "I'd like to think so," was all he said, giving the only honest answer he had.
"Huh," was all Logan replied as he nodded. And, as Tristan let himself out of the dorm, he added thoughtfully, "That makes this whole fucked up situation that much worse."
Tristan shut the door behind him, finally all his stuff with him. He didn't know what the next step was, and didn't care. At this point he would be content to go find some empty classroom and just crash for the next couple hours. He hadn't exactly gotten a lot of sleep the night before. But as he moved to go, he was surprised to see Luke standing in the foyer of the dorm, looking a little frantic.
"Luke?" he asked, walking down the hall to meet him.
"Tristan!" he could hear the relief in Luke's voice even as the man jogged up to him. "I wasn't sure where to find you, I had no idea which room was Logan's."
"What is it?" Tristan had no idea what could have Luke so anxious, and looking for him. Just a few minutes ago he was sure he would never see the man again.
"Lorelai just called my cell," Luke grabbed his arm and propelled him along. "It's Rory. There was an accident."
And with those few little words, Tristan felt the pit of his stomach drop out.
Not too much to go…….