"Tornado"(2001)
LIFE IS UNFAIR
Malcolm:Tonight there's supposed to be a tornado! We have all our supplies we need. And Reese is kindling the fire.
(Reese is using a lighter and setting off wood but the fire gets onto Reese's clothes and he screams hysterically and stops, drops, and rolls luring the fire onto the coffee table as the takes out a fire extinguisher as the fire is burning the RUG too)
Malcolm:Well, he tries.
(The fire extinguiser's sprays are heard from in back, and is seen doing it)
Lois:Well, boys. The tornado should be hitting in about an hour or two so I want you all in your bedrooms with your shelter equipment, understood?
Dewey, Malcolm and Reese:Yep.
(Just then, lightning shatters the sky)
(Dewey does a few quiet whimpers and slumps down scared)
Reese:Hey, Malcolm. Heard the weather's gonna be BRUDEL.
(Malcolm looks back at Dewey and turns with a grin to Reese)
Malcolm:Yeah! Well, I HEARD that tornadoes take little boys and put them in dungeons to be HUNG!
Reese:Y-yeah! Yeah! I remember that! It was all over the news!
(Dewey's eyes widened and he runs off screaming)
Reese:We scared him off.
Malcolm:No duh! We did! Reese:Now we can assure Dewey's under his bed crying by the time that tornado comes!
Malcolm:Yeah!
(Just then, another streak of lightning shatters and Reese and Malcolm hear bricks crumbling on the roof)
(Malcolm and Reese's eyes widened)
Malcolm:What the heck was that, Reese? (Malcolm has a suspicious look on his face)
Malcolm:Reese? Ree-eese? Reese?
(Malcolm turns and finds Reese hiding in the coffeetable)
(Reese is whimpering)
(Just then, more lightning shatterd the sky and a spooky wind is heard through the windows as the pitter-patter of rain is heard dropping on the ground)
(Malcolm and Reese look up as a lightbulb is going ZZT! And it burns out, conluding to a commercial)
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Lois:Hal, Lucky Aide's closed so our financial accounts are going way down for the few hours I've been out. What idiot would be out in this weather?
Hal:Financially broke just because of a lost payday?
Lois:Payday! Darn, I forgot!
(Lois sighs)
Lois:Well, I still wholeheartedly agree with the situation that only a complete brain-dead IDIOT would be out at the Lucky Aide in THIS weather!
Hal:You're darn right, honey!
(Lois and Hal look at eachother with a look of worriedness and panic and shock)
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(Craig is sitting in a feedle position rocking back and forth at the register table whimpering and murrmuring and muttering)
Craig:Oh ho! PLEASE, Lois! Come and rescue me from my psychologically traumatic state!
-
Malcolm:Reese! You're afraid of the dark!
(Reese gets up from inside the coffee table)
Reese:Hello? We're blind as bats! We're more useles than a race car without an engine! More useless than a wingless bird! More-
(Reese and Malcolm smack into eachother)
Malcolm and Reese:Ugh! Ow! Ouch! Ugh! Ow!
(Malcolm sighs)
Malcolm:Well, only 54 more minutes to go until the dreaded 6:00.
Reese:Yeah. How did you know that?
Malcolm:Well, because of the regulation of the sun dropping as more clouds close together, lightning strikes every 60 seconds, so after 9 lightning streaks, I've discovered that there's a rythmic pattern every minute, see.
Reese:Malcolm! Shut up!
Malcolm:Yeah, sorry.
-
(Lois slams open the doors to Lucky Aide)
Lois:Craig! I came here as fast as I could!
(Craig startledly turns around stopping his whimpering)
Craig:Lois! Oh, sweet, sweet Lois, dear Lord, Lois! Oh, I was lost without you! The lightning and rain struck me in a state of struck-stuck paralysis! Oh!
Lois:Oh Craig! I'm sorry! What were you doing here in the first place?
(Craig jumps off the register counter)
Craig:Well, there were extinuatingly dangerous consequences occuring in isle 56. Where it appeared Doug was stuck in distraught with a swarm of bats surrounding him! So I set him free, but the bats were stuck to me so Doug and I shooed them off! They didn't escape through the door but we KNOW that they flew through into the air vent that connects to all the vents and systems in the store. So I was afraid in a physchological paralysis after booming thunder and the run-in with the haywire bats. So as the coward I am with the escaped bats roaming around in some unknown location in Lucky Aide and the oncoming severe tornado and noreaster thunder, rain and lightning I was alone after Doug ran off in his car to get home. So I was stuck in a paralyzing trauma on the register counter in a feedle position in confusing distraught trying to figure out what to do with the bats and all. So I-
(Craig and Lois look ate eachother in panic)
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Reese:Hey, have you seen Dewey?
Malcolm:Well, last I saw him I was watching cartoons and-Dewey--said--he was going--outside.
(Reese and Malcolm's eyes widen)
Malcolm and Reese:DEWEY! WHERE ARE YOU! DEWEY! DEWEY!
(Dewey's standing outside with gusting winds and trees falling over and lightning strikes)
(Dewey squints)
Malcolm:DEWEY! WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?
Dewey:I'm proving you guys wrong! That I CAN be strong and courageous and mature! I'm welcoming and greeting this tornado with great elatedness and happiness extinuatingly beyond your imaginations!
Reese:GET OUT OF THE STORM, YOU IDIOT!
Dewey:No!
Reese:GET OUT!
Dewey:NO!
Malcolm:LISTEN TO US, DEWEY! WE LOVE YOU ADN YOU MIGHT DIE!
Reese:BESIDES THE FACT WE BEAT YOU WITH NO MERCY! AND STICK EMOTIONAL DAGGERS INTO YOUR HEARTS! DEEP DOWN, WE REALLY LOVE YOU!
Dewey:STOP SAYING THAT! I'M AWAKENING MY INNER MAN! I'M GONNA GREET THIS STORM!
(Malcolm and Reese run outside to Dewey)
Malcolm:Come on, Dewey!
(Clouds form miles away in the sky to a gray, swirling tornado)
Malcolm:Oh my gosh.
(Extinuating gusts are fleeing free powrfully as rain, booming thunder, and streaking lightning shatters the sky with great powerful nor-easter force)
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Hal:So honey? How are you doing?
(Hal is talking on the phone)
(Lois and Craig are catching bats)
Lois:Oh, yeah. uh, just fine Hal.
(Hal pushes his eyebrows down in a look of unsureness)
Hal:Wha-what are you doing?
Lois:I just sold some uh, shelter stuff to an Indian lady. (Hal looks even more unsure)
Hal:So, um I guess everything's good?
Lois:Yep!
Hal:So I gue--What's that flapping noise? And why do you sound so jaggedly unstable?
Lois:OK, Look, um, what's the most suffice way to put this, uh, let's see, uh...BATS.
Hal:Oh my gosh.
-
Malcolm:Oh no, guys! The tornado!
Malcolm, Reese and Dewey:AHHHHHHHHHH!
Reese:Wait! This is stupid to be afraid!
Malcolm:Reese! There's a compass covering current of speeding, swirling wind destroying cars and trees in it's evil path! Now after that explanation, I suggest you tell me again, TO NOT BE AFRAID!
Reese:Wait, what did Mom say before she stormed off into her room?
(The guys are doing flashbacks)
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Lois:Now boys, I want you to be in your bedrooms playing videogames and eating popcorn and soda and burgers and fries and ice cream while watching R-rated movies!
Reese:OK!
Lois:Now I'm gonna go burn this shelter equipment and get sucked into that tornado. Understood?
(Reese nods happily)
-
Lois:Now boys, I want you to be in your room tattooing yourselves, drenching yourselves with Gatorade, and calling Francis to come over and destroy the house!
Malcolm:Uh-huh!
Lois:Now I'm gonna go cancel you being a Krelboyne, get your crown and buy that 70 inch plasma screen TV you've been asking for.
Malcolm:YES!
-
(Reese and Malcolm are being lowered on wooden posts screaming and getting closer and closer to boiling lava below them)
Lois:Now, Dewey. You can do anything you want because you're king. Understood?
(Dewey is sitting on a royal throne in a king's uniform and golden crown as Lois is fanning him)
Dewey:Ahhhh...Yes! Ahhhh.
-
Malcolm:I knew it was pointless. I think we were supposed to go to our beds with shelter equipment!
Reese:Right!
Dewey:But I jsut want you to know I'm NOT a coward!
Reese:Whatever. Come on!
-
Hal:Well, Lois is away and the boys are doing something outside. Now I need to get myself together or else if things run awry and hectic, Lois is NEVER gonna trust me again! Well, to come to think of it, she's never trusted me! Now where are those boys?
(Hal's eyes widen)
Hal:AHHHHHHHHHHHH! BOYS!
(Hal runs outside to Malcolm, Reese and Dewey)
Dewey:AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(Malcolm and Reese run into the house)
Hal:DEWEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!
Dewey:I don't know!
(Dewey runs into the house screaming)
Dewey:AHHHHHHHHH!
(Hamster Dance is playing)
(Dewey smashes into the lamps and table smashing into the coffeetable tipping it over, detonating the TV into sparks and falling screaming knocking Malcolm and Reese on their backs)
Malcolm:DEWEY!
Reese:What are you doing!
(Hal is standing outside shocked mouth-open)
(Hal runs away into the house screaming)
Hal:AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
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(Lois and Craig are running smashing into shampoo bottles knocking down medicine and shelves with food and refrigerators while trying to catch the bats)
(A bat flies onto Craig's arm and bites him vigorously)
(Craig's eyes widen)
Craig:AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(The camera is outside of Lucky Aide as he screams)
(Now outside the world)
(Now the galaxy)
(And finally the universe)
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(The boys are whimpering)
Hal:Now, don't worry boys. Everything's gonna be OK.
(Malcolm's talknig to you)
Malcolm:He keeps saying that every minute.
(He turns and looks back)
Malcolm:It seems as though he's looking at the opposite idea!
Reese:So has the storm passed yet?
Hal:I don't know. But let's not look.
(Hal turns on the news)
Mark:Hi I'm Mark Douglas, welcome to NBC News! Today there's been many hurricanes, tornadoes and supercells in the west coast vicinities. The tornado is still going strong with an obviously cloudy disastrous apocalyptic nightmare weather out there. You'd best stay in your home at this point. But sooner or later, it should pass but collateral damage is occuring so going outside is not at the moment! Significantly severe weather is blasting through the west slapping currents twisting and turn back and forth creating a swirling hurricane. The eye of the storm is becoming itchy! So let's not scratch it! Ha ha! So, very humid, hot weather right now due to the thunder, lightning, rain, hail, hurricanes and tornadoes. Yeah, about 94 degress high, 89 degrees low. So keep thr A/C struggling to keep you cool! So right about now the weather is-
(The TV blacks out)
Hal:DANG IT! Let's jsut go!
(The boys walk outside with eyes widened in shock when they see Hal's car in flaming ruins and half-destroyed garage)
(Hal is in panic)
Hal:OH MY GOSH! MY CAR! MY GARAGE! URG! DANG IT!
(Hal angrily kicks the garage repeatedly in extinutating anger)
Hal:WHY! WHY! WHY! WHY! WHY-WHY-WHY!
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
(As Hal kicks the garage, it falls down completely destroyed)
(Hal is in a confounding paralysis of shock and extreme anger)
Hal:AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
-
(Craig is whimpering sadly)
(A paramedic is wrapping a cast thing over Craig's bite)
Lois:Now Craig, everything's gonna be OK. The paramedics are going to tell you if the bat has rabies or not, OK?
(Lois walks away)
Lois:Does it have rabies?
Bob:Oh, the bat?
Lois:Yeah.
Bob:Oh, no. Luckily. It's not infected at all. Just some mild pain for the next week or sho and the bite will heal.
Lois:Oh! Thank you!
(Lois walks over to Craig)
Lois:Everything's OK. It doesn't have rabies.
Craig:Good.
Lois:Now after this wild predicament with the pest control, the paramedics, and the bats and the destoyed Lucky Aide. You are NOT to tell Hal and the boys about this, understood?
(Craig nods yes)
Lois:OK.
(Lois slaps his knees in a friendly manner and walks away)
-
(Malcolm's talking to you)
Malcolm:So Dad managed to get construction workers over here to fix the garage and stuff since the weather cleared up. And from the sound of it, Mom managed to get pest control over to get rid of the demon bats infesting Lucky Aide! In an optimstic way, I guess things worked out OK!
Hal:Aaaaahhhhhh...Ha ha! So your Mom just called saying she'll be home in about 20 minutes. So that gives the workers plenty of time to fix the garage! I guess, for once things worked out OK after all! Right? Ha ha!
(Hal bends down to the kids)
Hal:Now look boys. This is a tight situation and I'd rather you not tell your Mom about the car, the garage and the other stuff so I think I can trust you. Understood?
Malcolm, Reese and Dewey:Alright!
(Malcolm's talking to you)
Malcolm:He forgot the living room.
(Malcolm turns and yells to Hal, Reese and Dewey)
Malcolm:Oh my gosh! WE FORGOT THE ROOM! WE FORGOT THE LIVING ROOM!
(The boys run into the house in panic)
Hal:Oh no.
(The camera shows the extremely messy and destroyed room)
Malcolm:See?
Hal:Alright. Well, boys. You know the drill. Stuff everything in the closet, and tell her we had a garage sale, OK?
Dewey:Sure, Dad.
Reese:OK.
Malcolm:Alright.
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LIFE IS UNFAIR.