Sunday 20th February

9 st 6 (Have eaten contents of fridge and more), cigarettes 22, alcohol units 15 (completely understandable.)

7 pm. My Flat.

Shazzer and Jude came round straight away when heard of my news.

'Fucking, fucking basted.' Shazzie was growling.

'Yes! Both of them! Miserable gits who deserve to be locked up.' added Jude who was fumbling hysterically with the champagne bottle.

'I mean, he shags you against a wall and then buggers off to some fuckwit country where kidnapping is the norm! What did you say to him, Bridget? I would have kneed him and-,' she turned to Jude-'give me that!'

'Well, I was a bit taken aback.' I began. 'At the time I just shouted at him and let him go and…(noticed steam emerging from Sharon's ears)…but then when I got home, I left a really good answer machine message telling him exactly what I thought of him.'

'Good for you Bridge. There! Got the bastard!' exclaimed Jude excitedly, pouring me a drink.

'Where did you leave the message?' asked Shazzer

'On his answer machine.'

'Which one?'

'Well he only has one!'

'No, at home or on his mobile.'

I looked at my feet sheepishly. 'At home.'

'Why?' bellowed Shaz. 'Bridget, he won't get that until he comes home!' She handed me my phone. 'Leave him another.'

'But…I might wake him up.' I said pathetically.

'Go on.' demanded Sharon firmly.

'Bloody hell, you sound like my old teacher.' said Jude.

'Bridget…'

'I can't. I…don't know what to say if he answers.'

'Fine, I'll do it.' She grabbed the phone of me and stood up so was unable to make feeble grab for it. 'Hello Mark, it's Sharon here, one of Bridget's LOYAL friends. Just wanted let you know that you are a complete wanker for messing Bridget around and then fucking off to a country where women walk around with cocaine in their tits. Luckily, me and Jude are here to pick up the pieces so don't ever call or I'll spread it around that you have a really tiny…willy. Bye!'

'Shazzie…'

'What? Bridget, he needed to be told. He's just trying to exert his masculine status and needs bringing back down to earth.'

'No, no that's fine but…perhaps you should do the same to Daniel as well.'

'I would but it's a bit late seeing as you split up well over a…Bridget? Is there something you're not telling me?'

'She's slept with him again!' exclaimed Jude.

'Well, sort of.'

'How can it be 'sort of?' Either you shagged him or you didn't.'

'Unless it didn't go in.' said Jude.

'Then it wouldn't be shagging, silly. Honestly Bridge, you're a bit of a dark horse.' She started going through my phone. 'Hmm,' said Shazzer just before pressing green, 'Anyone else who needs a talking to?'

'No.' I giggled and took a puff of my silk cut. Love the lovely friends. Never would run off to foreign country and leave self all alone. Unlike a certain person. Or two.

Wednesday 30th March

9 st 2, cigarettes 2, compliments from Richard, 0, times called 'complete and utter imbecile' by Richard, 104.

2 pm. At Work. Emailing Jude.

Grr! Bloody Richard Finch! Would quit but have hardly any savings.

'Bridget! Of all the mistakes to make!'

'Well I didn't know he was for the war did I?'

'Well why didn't you bloody check?'

'I just presumed he was against killing innocent people. Anyway, he could have stopped me and told me.'

'You wouldn't let him get a pissing word in! Bridget, I've had it up to here with you! Late for morning meetings, crap at everything! But your last article was a success so I'll forgive you. Google this for me.'

Huh. Am now Richard's 'Googling' skivy. Bastard.

8:30 pm. Watching DIY SOS.

Ooh! Doorbell!

'Bridge, I'm over a week late!' Shazzie was sobbing.

'Late for what?' I asked, handing her a tissue.

'I'm too young to be menopausal! I…don't know…I…'

'Have you done a test?'

'No, I'm too scared! What if it comes up positive? What shall I do then? I'll be tied to Simon forever. The fucking wanker.' Was going to go into kitchen to get Shazzie a drink but decided against it. Alcohol is bad for babies. Did not want to be responsible for poisoning of Shaz's first born.

'Well, perhaps you should. You can use my loo.'

'I'm too scared! Anyway, it's anti feminist to pee on a stick. It's degrading.' She looked at me. 'Oh, I don't bloody care! Bridge, I've got two in my bag. Do one with me!'

'Ok,' I mumbled.

10 pm.

Took about a million litres of tap water before bladder was full and could do the deed. Shazzer went first, then me.

'Thank God!' cried Shazzie. She threw the test on the floor, took a swig of vodka before proceeding to dance round the room singing: 'I'm not having a baby! I'm not having a baby!' After a couple of minutes, she stopped and said 'Bridget? What is it? Is it the test?'

'I don't know. Look, is that one line or one and a half?' Could feel heart beating at double speed.

'Let me see. It looks like one and a half to me. But then you can't be half-pregnant, can you?'

'I don't know. I suppose not.'

'Perhaps only half a sperm got there!'

'Don't be ridiculous!' Probably could happen in my spastic body though.

'Look! cried Shazzer. 'It's getting darker!' And sure enough, the half a line was getting darker and darker, slowly becoming a full line. 'Oh my god! You're going to have a baby!'

'Me?' I said stupidly, wiping a tear from my eye. 'Really, a full baby?'

'Yes! Look at the test thingy!' Shazzer was crying too.

'I…don't believe it.' I said reaching for a Silk Cut which Shazzie snatched out of my hand and threw in the corner. 'I'm going to have a baby!'

'Oh bloody hell, Bridget! You're making my mascara run everywhere!'