Thursday 15th April.

7 pm: Have just finished speaking to Caroline from the DNA place.

'Bastards!' she coughed. 'Utter bastards! Do either of them know?'

'Well, not really. I don't really want to tell them until I'm completely certain. That's where I thought you could help me. I have my dates but the doctor said they were-.'

'Too close together. Yes, I've heard. Now, how many possibilities are there?'

'Two.'

'And are the fathers close? Could be awkward if they are. You know I had one woman who had been playing off two identical twins! Her husband immediately divorced her and tried to OD on sleeping pills. Terribly tragedy. Last I heard he was living in a shed on a river in Scotland or something.'

'That's awful,' I said imaging Daniel and Mark both in suits fishing outside a shed. 'No, they're not particularly close.'

'Well, here we are very discreet. None of the possible fathers need to know – we do not require their permissions, of course. All they are, are mere sperm providers. You know, in the future we may not even need them for that!'

'Do many women tell the father even when he had no idea he might be one?'

'Yes, well most women feel the need to have emotional as well as financial support. Then again, when say the 'should-be-father' is not the actual father, then many women keep it quiet. Men have a tendency to…'she lowered her voice as if she was disclosing a highly confidential secret, '…over-react.'

Loved the way Caroline was putting this, as if this was a common dilemma nearly all women go through. Total opposite to Dr Johnson, who had mentally labelled me as a whore as soon as she heard about as Caroline put it 'my little problem.'

'Of course,' Caroline continued, 'we will need something to extract the DNA from. Saliva is best. Quite simple really, all you need to do is take a clean cotton wool bud and rub it around inside the mouth on the cheek.'

'Um, I think that would prove a bit difficult.' I said, imagining me pinning down Daniel and extracting cheek cells from his mouth. 'Any other ways?'

'Next best is blood. Pain is the only way they'll learn to control themselves. I'm joking of course! Then hair.'

Ooh. That should be easier. Still had an old comb of Mark's which had forgotten to give back.

'Obviously the hair must still have the follicle attached. Really needs to be yanked from the head.' She flashed me a cheeky smile. 'That's what makes it so fun!'

'Any other options?' This was hopeless.

'Teeth usually work.'

'Teeth?' I gulped. 'How am I going to get those?'

'I mean tooth. Sorry, love.'

'That doesn't make it easier!'

'Well whatever you decide, just make sure you put both samples in separate bags. Then send them to me. I've given you my card.'

'Do I have to get DNA from both of them?' I asked, panicked.

'Are you sure there are only two possibilities. Because I won't judge you if there are!' she chirped.

'Yes! I'm not a slapper. I'd been practically celibate before all this happened!'

'I completely understand. It's just, well this is a really funny story! Two years ago this sweet girl, Katie I think her name was, found out she was pregnant and like you, was together with one of the possible fathers.'

'I'm not together with either of them.'

'Oh sorry dear! I just presumed – well anyway, Katie had been seeing another bloke from work so this baby hadn't come along at the best of times. So she came to me and I explained her options and, really she was an amazing girl, the next day, she came back armed with about several cheek swabs from her boyfriend. Said she had told him stimulating the inside of a cheek would improve their sex life! Silly prick bought it of course.'

'What happened then?' I asked.

'Test came back negative. So she dumped her boyfriend and moved in with her office totty. Then six months later she gave birth. Told him the baby was premature but at 8lbs something no one brought that. He couldn't believe he was the father and demanded a DNA test. He came along personally and I myself took a swab from his mouth.'

'Did she stay with him even though he had acted like an arrogant bastard?'

'No, they split up. He wasn't the father either!'

Head was suddenly filled with ideas. No, that was stupid. Jude and Shazzer would have told me if I had left a club with someone. 'Did she know who the father was?'

'Not a clue. But she did meet and marry someone else so I suppose everything worked out for the best.'

'Well there are only two possible fathers of this baby,' I said, rubbing my tummy.

'Ok then, we'll only need one sample then. Just seal it in one of those sandwich bags and pop it in the post to me. The results should be given in two to three weeks. And, remember love?'

'What?'

'Whatever happens, you'll still be this baby's mother. I think do a good job.'

Hmm, Daniel said he owed me dinner. Maybe will pretend he has something stuck in his tooth, then lean over to remove food, accidentally yanking his tooth out. There! Easy!