Chapter Five: The tears of a Professor

Once the train had stopped, and this time at its right destination, I allowed the younger students to get their things out first. After them I lowered my things, stepped off the train, and gazed longingly at the castle that I once believed to be my home.

So many memories had come and gone through those doors, towards the great hall and into the Sorting hat, for it was even older that the many ghost that floated among the great halls and rooms. I loved this place; it was where I truly belonged. Then I remembered Dumbledore, and how he had done so much for me. I didn't even get a chance to thank him…

But time was short now, and I did not want to be late for sorting and of course the feast! I jerked away a few tears that may have thought about coming out into the open, as I did not wish to show anything at the current time. Though possibly no one could tell the difference between my tears of pain and the tears of the sky. This place was both a home and a prison, especially for me… For what I was, and still am.

I thought of Lily and of Potter and how their son had grown. From there I thought about his godfather, and how he wasn't so bad. Sirius could have been nice at times, just like Potter. I remembered that he died during Harry's fifth year, as I had done the math. That must have been rough for him, and to lose Dumbledore not long as well. From there I thought of Remus, the quiet, smart one and almost as handsome as Black, or so the other girls thought.

Of coarse, there was a time I tried for his heart, as he had mine but did not know. My heart at times still yearned for his touch, his words and his soul. Rain poured onto my face and into my hair. It was useless now. After so long, I didn't know what had happened to the ones I knew who might not be dead, due to the war.

The only reason I knew Snape's were abouts was from rumors and the one scrap of paper I had found outside the sewers. After that he had told me that some of my lesser friends were dead; I heard some things though the door the night I was saved by that snake. I did not tune him out entirely.

But that was the past now, and I had a job to do. Making my way though the doors and setting my things with the others, I made my way across the great hall and sat down at my position. There was nothing to eat yet, and my stomach was beyond hunger. A voice to the right of me rang through my ears.

"Sasha! Ah, thank Merlin you're here. I have been bored to tears, as well as wet by them too. The sky's tears, I mean. Just can't believe it's still raining, must be an omen, or something of the sort."

Slughorn had a way of always starting the conversation with something resent, to resent, really. I looked at him and saw he was smiling and waiting for my reply. I sighed shortly.

"Yes, it has been awful. And to think that it is the first I've stepped through these doors since my last year. And it just happens to be raining."

At this point the students started to come into the great hall.

"My dear, are you alright? You're eyes are filled with tears. Have you been crying? Because it seems you want to start up again."

Slughorn touched my face to wipe one rolling down my cheek. It was true; I did wish to cry. So many memories rushed quickly to the front of my mind, and the fact that my best friend had killed my favorite professor, and the only person who felt like family was too much to handle. Even with this cheerful fool in front of me, with sympathy in his voice.

I looked down at the table, but did not move my head, "Yes, I have been crying a lot lately. It just with Dumbledore and Snape, I -"

He put a finger to my lips, "Shh, its fine. I know how close you were to the both of them, especially Snape. And for him to do something as he did is as hard for me as it is for you. I taught him, you know; the both of you, I taught. I never excepted him to do this, and to an old friend of mine, too. He just… chose wrong in the past. We know how you feel, Sasha… We trusted him too."

Though this did not happen often, Slughorn's word shattered my soul and made me want to burst into tears even more. He was right; we did trust him.

"Slughorn, I think I still -''

"RAVENCLAW!"

Our heads both turned as we had missed who was placed in my old house.

Slughorn turned to me once more, "Come to my office later, once you've settled in. We'll talk."

"HUFFLEPUFF!" The hat shouted again.

After about twenty minutes of the Sorting hat's calls, the Headmistress, who took Dumbledore's position, spoke out to the students.

"Welcome. Welcome, one and all. For those of you are new here, I am Professor McGonagall, the Headmistress. And as for you all who have come back here to Hogwarts, welcome once again. In addition to the young witches and wizards who have joined us, may I introduce your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Miss Professor Moon."

A wave of clapping came to my ears as I stood up and bowed, trying to not look so sad by smiling. Though it was difficult. After that I sat back down as I noticed three certain young Gryffindors talking and gazing at me with concern. Maybe they had seen my face, wanting to cry.

"Yes, well. I know that most of you were here last year to hear of the death of our very own Professor Dumbledore." She paused, "And many of you were, shocked to hear who murdered him. As the staff and myself feel the same way. That is why if any of those who feel the need to talk to any of us, let us know. We teachers are not just here to teach you all, but we are also here to aid you all in any time of need."

My head fell as she finished saying this part of her speech. How I had missed Dumbledore. Plus with me holding out on where Snape was, I also felt horrible. My mind and gut just felt betrayed, like never before. I also felt like I wanted to be sick, just to have my mind settle on that till I was better.

I was tired. Tired of being the one who had missed so much. Tired of being the one who felt like a child in an adult body. Tired of the fact I had been lied to for so long…

McGonagall spoke again, finishing her main speech, "As in saying this, the staff and I feel a great need to utter on a short prayer and a moment of silence of the past troubles we have all had. Miss Moon, if you will? Could you bless us with a song of which we could follow onto?" I stood with a somewhat shock, yet honored face, though I did not smile. I nodded once.

Everyone in the great hall stood up and held hands, with the exception of a few Slytherins. Unsure of what to say, I tried to think of a song that would be most appropriate. Finally after two minutes it came, and as music came through the hall, unsure of its origin, I began to sing:

You were once our one companion,

You were are that mattered.

You were once a friend and teacher,

Then our worlds were shattered.

Wishing you were somehow here again,

Wishing you were somehow near,

Sometimes it seemed if we just dreamed,

Somehow you would be here.

Wishing we could hear your voice again,

Know that we never would,

Dreaming of you helped us to do all that you dreamed we could.

Passing bells and sculpted angles, cold and monumental,

Seem for you the wrong companions,

You were warm and gentle.

To many years fighting back tears,

Why can't past just die?

Wishing you were somehow here again,

Knowing we must say goodbye

Try to forgive, teach us to live

Give us the strength to try.

No more memories,

No more silent tears,

No more gazing across the wasted years.

Help us say goodbye,

Help us say goodbye.

The whole room was silent, with the exception of the few who found themselves in tears. I myself was almost at that point.

"Thank you, Miss Moon." McGonagall replied after the music ended. Knowing that there would be no applause, I nodded and sat down, along with the rest of the staff and students. The room fell silent and my head fell again.

"Yes, well, now we must move on, away from the past and look into the future, for it is a bright one." With a wave of her hands the food started to appear before us. Some children found it difficult to eat, though some just stuffed their faces. As much as I didn't wish to eat, for I felt it wrong, my stomach told me otherwise. Besides, I should not starve myself; Dumbledore wouldn't want me to.

After I finished the meat and potatoes I just picked at the rest, waiting to leave to my domain. Almost every word of the song I sang was true. The past was not full of wasted years, not for me. Some I wished would live on forever. My pressed my hand at my heart, feeling no necklace draped around the area. I never did get my locket back, the white gold one. It had been in my family for a while now and though I had given it to Snape I still yearned for the picture inside it.

Afterwards, I found myself unpacking and getting ready for tomorrow. 'I just hope everything goes well during class' I thought to myself. Once done, I made my way toward the dungeons to Slughorn. I took one final breath and knock on the door.

"Come in." A voice called from inside. Slughorn must have been working on something, perhaps to ease my thoughts.

I found myself looking at a mess, in not only the first day of class. Bottles and beakers everywhere! Just filled with a strange colored toxin of some sort. Some were blue, some were yellow, others red, green or purple. It was an utter mess.

"Professor?" I asked in an uncertain tone as I walked down through the maze of potions. A fat, stout old man turned toward me, wearing normal teaching clothing, his face covered in suet.

"Ah, Sasha! Come in, come in, and let me show you something. I think you might find it interesting." I walked slowly behind him and jump back once he turned again toward me, holding a lavender colored bottle that smelled like a mixture of fresh cut roses and the nighttime sky in summer.

He placed in my hands as I held it carefully, "For you." He simply stated. I tuned the bottle around, hoping for a label. I found nothing but the shape of a heart with a dagger through it. I turned to him with confusion.

"What is it?" I asked him. He turned to me once again, "Oh? You don't know! Huh, and after all this time I thought you would recognize one of your own potion creations."

I thought back as hard as I could, but had no such memories of what he was saying.

"Sir, I never made any new creations during school days. Not even in potions, you must be confused with someone else's work."

"Oh ho! I am never mistaken by pure brilliance, Sasha, my dear. Don't you recall losing a piece of parchment that clearly read, 'Heart Breaking Love Potion'? Or maybe even those two notes you wrote on about 'Put it in a drink, they'll never know.' And 'Spray a bit on the locket.' I mean really, Sasha! It was that obvious."

"What are you taking about? The only person I ever knew who did those sorts of things was Sna-" I drew back my last word. My eyes sat an escape towards the floor. Slughorn then knew whom I spoke of.

He crept towards me and placed a hand on my shoulder. I drew a withering breath and began to weep. He embraced me, as if I were a child and calmed me with words.

"There, there, its alright. It going to be O.K. You'll see." He stroked my hair a few times and lifted my chin. I looked into his warm, uncle-ish eyes. I looked down at the potion and asked once again, "What is it? What does it do?" My voice was very weak, but he still heard it.

"Well, being the brilliant mind he was, Mr. Snape seemed to find a way to create his very own love potion. One that may find the victim and force it into thinking about the creator, in this case, him, something like a normal love potion. But it had a side affect, the victim must be able to love the creator back, with meaning, or suffer a pain in the heart that could lead to a possible death. A better way to make sure it wasn't just an obsession, like normal 'love' potions. Though it only lasted 24 hours."

I pushed the breath out of my system, most in shock.

"And to think, he could have used that on, me! I can't believe he would use such a thing! Let alone on innocent girls whom he might have found, desirable."

"Yes, well, he was young and admired you most of all. This I could tell, he would always be helping you out in my class and giving you pointers. I suppose it would be the way he looked at you on occasions. Never let anything come to harm you."

"As I did the same for him…" I kneeled down upon the filthy floor, not caring about my attire, just my friend. Slughorn kneeled down beside me.

"He wasn't all bad, you know. He just took a few wrong turns."

"But he betrayed us. He betrayed us all!"

"Did he, Sasha? Are you part of the Order? Or do you just think you should, when really you should be hiding, away from the Dark Lord. You know why you could never see anybody again, especially Severus. So why did you return? Was it to morn for Dumbledore and ask Snape, hoping he would tell you why he did it? He is still a Death Eater, Sasha! Why you turned to him is beyond me, but you should have enough common sense as to know not to trust him if you knew he killed Albus!"

"Professor?" A small voice cried from the steps. "Professor Moon?" She asked again, it was Hermione, of coarse, doing her rounds. I turned towards her, as did Slughorn.

"Yes? Oh! Hermione, you startled us." I stood up and turned to her. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Professor McGonagall wants to see you, for a brief moment, if you will?"

"Oh… Yes, well, I'll be there. As you were, my dear, thank you."

She turned around and left the two teachers, me standing while Slughorn was kneeling. I turned to face Slughorn again, "Well, Professor, it seems the Headmistress wishes to see me. So I must be off, but thank you for the potion. I will keep it safe and locked up tight. Till then, I bit you farewell."

Making my way down the hallway I stumbled upon a house elf, which I thought to be Jasper. Yet when I chased after him, it turned out to be some other little elf, by the name of pokey; I think...

"I must be tired. Yes, that's what I am, tired. I'm just imagining things."

I tried to convince myself by found it hard. Finally I reached the gargoyle that blocked the way.

I tried only one word that might have been the password, 'cat claw breakers', yet it wouldn't let me in, "Smug stone bustard!" I replied silently, yet uttering the words.

"Why not try 'caramel camel-cats'? She tends to like those, I hear." I jumped at the voice behind me as the gargoyle jumped aside for me to pass.

"What in Merlin's, oh, its just you. What are you doing outside her office?" I asked. It was the Sorting hat, sitting on an old Rome-style looking stand.

"Yes well, it seems we had a bit of a row. And seeing as I was unable to defend myself, she placed me out here." He slumped down at where he sat, so old and faded. He was starting to turn a more shade of gray by each year.

"Yes um, thanks, anyway. You want I should take you up there, since I'm here?"

He shook his face and made it seem as it was laughing a bit, "No, no Miss Moon. I will have no such thing. Though I thank you for the offer. You always were the kind one, I could tell by your mind. Yes, it was all up there, in your head. You know I almost placed you in Slytherin or Gryffindor once you put me on. But then I noticed your bloodline, quite remarkable really."

"Oh, well, thank you. But really I just try to be myself. It just, time, it seems to get the better of us." A small smile crossed my face as I looked back at him.

"Yes, um, oh don't make me keep you waiting. She needs to talk to you, you know. Just try not to upset her, I learned that the way as if I'm married to her!"

I nodded and made my way upstairs, but just before I heard him say, "Sleeping outside her room, indeed!"

"Come in."

I pushed the door walked inside, holding my hands together and feeling a bit nervous. She sat at her desk, and seemed to look flushed. Maybe it was the lightening.

"Please, sit down, Sasha." Minerva told me. Feeling foolish I did as she asked imminently.

"Don't worry, you're not in trouble. You're not a student anymore, you know, you're a teacher."

I nodded and replied a little stronger then I felt. "Yes I know that. It's just the feeling of being back, and with no one here that I can truly relate to. Not that I don't like you, Minerva, but I just miss the old days."

She stood up from behind her desk and walked slowly around it. "I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel the same way. But time has changed, and though it may be cruel, it does for the better."

She was gazing at her window now, and it still had not stopped raining. It probably was an omen. Tears of pain, tears of joy, whatever it meant, it meant tears.

"Please, Minerva. What is it that you want?" She turned and looked into my eyes, as I did hers; they were watery.

"Oh, Minerva, don't cry! I just finished talking with Slughorn, and already I feel the need as well. Please, just answer me."

She took out a small tissue that she kept in her sleeve; she wasn't planning on getting tear jerky.

"Oh, my dear, I'm sorry." She patted her eyes and wiped the forming liquid away. She turned to me again and asked something I had hoped nobody would ask. I didn't even think anybody knew, except for Dumbledore.

"Sasha," She started, "You don't still, I mean, you love him now. Don't you? Severus, I mean. Do you still love him?" I licked my lips and turned my head slightly to the bottom right. My eyes began to fill, and I had nothing. My gut tightened and my voice cried out the answer.

"I DON'T KNOW! I just don't know!" I cupped my hands over my face and began to cry while answering her hurtful question. She rushed toward my side.

"I don't know what to believe or what to love! I did, and I want to, be he just.. He just… Oh Merlin, WHY DO YOU CURSE ME WITH SUCH A HEART?"

I sobbed deeper and more loudly. How I just wished that someone would come to me and tell me what to feel. What I should and shouldn't be feeling.

"What should I do, Minerva? What can I feel, whom can I trust? I don't want it to be this way! Why didn't Severus just stay true to the Order?"

Minerva was kneeling in front of me, holding on to me. Just trying to calm me down, yet she found herself in tears as well.

My sobbing lessened, "I want to love him, Minerva. I truly do, but he has done so much as to break everything. Just so he won't die in this war. And he heard another prophecy, when we were younger. Dumbledore told us, something about a raven and two snakes."

My face was red and wet, as hers was almost like that. She looked at me and I looked at her. I could tell she felt guilt over me.

"I'm sorry, my dear child. I'm so sorry." She whispered and stood up. "That will be all. Just take one day at a time. You'll see, things will get better." I heard the door open, signaling me to leave; it really was quite late.

I stood and trudged toward the door. I had heard those words before. When I came to the foot of it, I turned around to face her. She was around her desk now. She looked up with a worried face; her eyes asked me what was wrong.

"You know, when I was placed in hiding, Dumbledore said the exact same thing. 'Just take one day at a time. You'll see, things will get better.' But that was seventeen years ago. And now look, nothing. Nothing has gotten better…"

I closed the door behind me and left her to those thoughts. Wishing I could love him again, my body flew me toward my room and locked the doors. I changed into my sleeping gown and flopped down upon the bed, my face in my pillow. I wept myself to sleep that night. And after my sighs of wanting relief, my mind tumbled into deep dreams of me, Albus, and Severus, on that night at the Yule ball.

End of chapter Five

Hi people, hope you like this chapter. Its really good, in my opinion. Just one thing, could you please write my some more reviews?

This story is geting good and longer by time, but I'm not sure what you guys think. So if you could... OH! Plus if you could maybe give me a few tips of a few things that I might have goofed up on. I'm never really sure on a few things. Also I don't own any Harry Potter charecters. Only Sasha Moon, the woman with a killer past...

Anywho next chapter is comeing as soon as I can, so hold on a bit longer, kay? Just please please please tell me what you think.