The Closet Speaks

Chapter 4: History

Disclaimer: Oh, cool! Now you can buy Harry Potter in the nearest 7-Eleven! I want one! (walks off room) (comes back, fuming) Darn it! J.K. Rowling got the last one, it's sold out! (sulks)

(A/N: So sorry I didn't update earlier, I had school work, piano practice, school work, end of year assembly, school work, writer's block… wait, did I mention school work? Anyway, thanks for the reviews from Queenofhell and Kiwi-San!)

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"I'm bored, enlighten me Granger."

"…"

"I'm bored, enlighten me Granger."

"…"

"I'm bored, enlighten me Granger."

"Would you stop saying that? We've only been here for 20 minutes and you just said that a million times! Why don't YOU enlighten yourself, huh?"

"How?"

"Tell me about yourself then."

"Okay then, when Lucius Xavier Malfoy met my mother Narcissa, they immediately had…"

"I think I know what happens next! Just cut out the disgusting parts…"

"Fine. Anyway, then I was born."

"That's it?"

"Well, you told me to cut out the disgusting bits…"

"You being born is not disgusting, well, maybe just a little unnatural for you…"

"Oy!"

"But please at least tell me why you won't tell me about how you were born!"

"Well, it's just, weird."

"Then tell me! When I found out that I was a witch, at that moment I thought that I will never find anything weirder than that!"

"Oh fine…"

"So how were you born?"

"Well, in short, it was just really quick."

"What do you mean?"

"Well…"

"…"

"Um…"

"…"

"Err…"

"Tell me or perish!"

"I choose perish!"

"Okay, fine. Avada…"

"Alright, alright! Anything but the killing curse! I can't die now, I'm too young to die!"

"…"

"I still need to find a cure for ugliness and wrinkles!"

"…"

"And I still need to be the youngest male model on the cover of Witch Weekly! And…"

"Are you done with your rambling?"

"…"

"You're just trying to stall aren't you?"

Nod.

"Fine, I'll tell you."

"Huzzah!"

"My mother sneezed."

"Huh?"

"She sneezed, I flew out, my dad caught me in his hands."

Sniggers.

"I take back what I said, now THAT'S the weirdest thing I've ever heard."

"See! This is why I won't tell you how I was born!"

"So now THAT'S why your father sees you in disgust…"

"Oh sheesh…"

"Hahaha… okay… Now continue about your life story."

"Then I learnt to ride a broom when I was 5 years old…"

"…"

"It was a Comet 260, it was one of the fastest in those days…"

"Now you sound like an old geezer."

"I'm going to ignore that."

"…"

"Anyway, I felt so free when I finally flew, I was going 50 miles per hour, I was…"

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot to tell you, cut out the boring bits."

"Flying is not boring!"

"Just get on with it."

"Fine. When I was 11, I got the letter from Hogwarts…"

"Woah, wait a second."

"What?"

"What about pre-school? Kindergarten? Elementary school?"

"…"

Smirk.

"You didn't go to school before Hogwarts, didn't you?"

"Well, my parents taught me how to read, write and count…"

"What's 100 divided by 1?"

"101?"

"Hah! Wrong! No wonder you flunked Arithamancy…"

"Hey! I can do math too!"

"Right…"

"I can add!"

"But you can't multiply."

"…"

"Or subtract."

"…"

"Or divide either."

"…"

"Why don't you get a tutor or something?"

Mumble.

"What? I didn't catch that."

"I said I didn't what help!"

"Oh, never mind Malfoy, I can help you if you want. I can teach you in the Room of Requirements, and since we're heads, no one will know unless we tell any one else…"

"Fine… Thanks Granger."

"It's alright, hey, get back to the subject!"

"Well, you were the one who went on about school!"

"Fine."

"…"

"I said you can go back to the story of Draco Malfoy…"

"I'm done, I haven't been here for a long time, and you know what happens during the time I was in here since the gossip and stuff…"

"…"

"Well, enough about me. How about you?"

"Oh man, Malfoy, do you have a fever?"

"What?"

"Usually you'd be going on about you, you and you. But now you're asking about me?"

"…"

"Something is definitely wrong here."

"Well, I'm only asking you because I'm bored and we still have at least 1 hour to spend here!"

"Okay then, I was born to Derek and Jane Granger in a hospital in London on September 16. My mother was an English professor so she named me Hermione."

"And where'd that freakish name come from?"

"One of the plays by Shakespeare."

"Oh… That bald guy who stole my great-great aunts' spells…"

Cough. Cough.

"You mean, your aunts are the three witches from Macbeth?"

"Yep. And Shakespeare died a horrible death for that…"

"Maybe that's why witches are portrayed as old women with messy hair and long noses with a wart on top…"

"Oy, watch it!"

"And you have the inheritance!"

"…"

"Say something Ferret…"

"Poor old Aunt Helga must be rolling in her grave right now."

"Meh."

"Hey, she's already pushing up the orchids!"

"Um, it's 'pushing up the daisies' Malfoy."

"Do you want to be pushing up the daisies?"

"Has that bowling ball gone to your head?"

"Can we just forget about it?"

"Do you want me to continue my life story?"

"…"

"Woah."

"What?"

"This is a really awkward moment…"

"What do you mean?"

"We've been asking questions for 1 whole minute, and no one has even answered them…"

"Hm… You're right. So… in order… Maybe and yes."

"So you think that the bowling ball has caused some psychological problems and to cure that, you must see a neurosurgeon to have your membrane cut out?"

"Uh… Possibly?"

"Your slow nature makes me want to puke."

"Huh?"

"Then again, you not attending school for 6 years could be an advantage…"

"You do realize that you're talking to yourself again?"

"What do you mean 'again'?"

"Well, in fifth year I heard you talking to yourself."

Cringe.

"About what?"

"Something about the square root of whatever."

Sweat.

"Why were you so tense Granger?"

"Nothing!"

"Did you think I was about to say some horrible secret about you?"

"Um…"

"I should get that out!"

"Wha… No!"

"Yes I will! I'll torture you!"

Laugh.

"How? Threaten to break my quill?"

"Hm… Now there's a thought…"

"I'll shut up, so I won't give you anymore ideas…"

"Well… I'll use Chinese torture!"

"Hubawah…?"

"Never mind…"

"…"

"Back to your life story…"

"Where was I? Oh yeah… Me being born, yada yada yada, bla bla bla…"

"The audience would like a more detailed summary…"

"What audience?"

"…"

"Anyway, I skipped kindergarten…"

"Why? Did you excel at nap time?"

"…"

"Or milk and cookies?"

"…"

"I'll just shut up now…"

"I was in primary school and skipped year 3 and 4."

"That explains why you are such a know-it-all…"

Growl.

"Okay! I'll shut up!"

"I got my letter when I was 10…"

"That means you're younger than everyone else?"

"No! My birthday is in September remember? I got the letter in July, you dolt!"

"Touchy, touchy…"

"…"

"Wow, I didn't know that your life was that boring!"

"What? It's not!"

"Your boring life could explain why you're so fascinated in boring things!"

"My life is not boring! I got to meet famous people, have adventures…"

"But they way you put it, it seems so boring…"

"…"

"Hah! And the Royal Prince wins!"

"You mean the Royal Ferret…"

"…"

"Hah! In your face! I win…"

"…"

"Um… What do you mean by winning? Winning what?"

"Dunno…"

"Then why on earth did you say 'the Royal Prince wins'?"

"Dunno…"

"I think that bowling ball has definitely gone to your head…"

"…"

"Lemme check…"

"Woy, woy. Watch it!"

"Stand still…"

"Get your filthy hands of my forehead! What do you think you're doing?"

"Checking for a fever? What do you think I was doing? Knitting a scarf?"

" …"

"…"

"For your information, I do not have a fever and I'm not insane!"

"Oh really? For a second there, I thought you were…"

"Oh shaddup…"

"With a temper like that, I have no idea how you got your friends…"

"Well, they know who to socialize with, and it's with the upper-class purebloods!"

"I don't know about upper-class, but maybe stuck-up and pompous purebloods…"

"Oy!"

"And what happened to Crabbe and Goyle? I don't see you with them anymore…"

"Oh, them? Well, they're always in the dorms… Why do you ask?"

"Just wondering…"

"Or do you fancy them?"

"Ew, gross… No way…"

"Granger likes Crabbe… Granger likes Goyle…"

"You are so immature…"

"So? I know what you are, what am I?"

"An idiot?"

"…"

"Haha… Hermione Jane Granger always gets the last word…"

"Bah."

"The last word that actually means something, anyway…"

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(A/N: (sobs) So sorry I couldn't update earlier! Hope you like this one, it's about 2 pages longer (in MS Word), so I hope it's enough! As I said, thanks for reviewing, and I need more now so I can go on!)