The Closet Speaks
Chapter 5: Sing
Disclaimer:
Hermione: Repeat after me: I, Moshii, do not own Harry Potter or its characters.
Me: I, Moshii, do not own Harry Potter or its characters.
Draco: And I promise to update faster.
Me: And I promise to update faster.
Hermione: And I confess that Hermione is the prettiest and smartest girl in the history of Hogwarts!
Draco: And that Draco Malfoy is all powerful and handsome!
Me: And I confess that Hermione is the-- woah, wait a minute…
Hermione and Draco: (whistles and looks away)
(A/N: I'm so sorry I didn't update sooner, since I kind of had writer's block, I mean come one, an idea doesn't just come in, it takes time to think about it and make it perfect… (a guy named Idea comes in)
Idea: Hi! I'm an Idea, and no I'm not just a mere figment of your imagination!
Me: Oh sheesh… Anyway, thanks to bern, snowmouse, DiscordantHarmony, Lila Berylla, Crying Pixie, kraftdinner1256, Kiwi-San, Hawaiian-Rachael, CrimsonSadows, and hermionerocks2008, thanks for the reviews! Oh yeah, the songs sung by either character are not mine, except for the 'one million bottles' song, I made that up…)
…sing...
"Granger…"
"Save your breath, I know what you're going to say."
"What? That I just a saw a rat on your pathetic excuse of a bird's nest that you call hair?"
"Huh? Wah…?"
"…"
"DON'T JUST STAND THERE! GET IT OFF!"
"What? Get my beautiful sensitive hands dirty just for a person like you?"
"JUST DO IT!"
"I don't think so…"
"Well, then how am I supposed to get this rat off my head?"
"I don't know…"
"Then why is this rat on top of my head in the first place?"
"Well, I would've conjured one to pop up…"
"AHA! So you did it!"
"But then I don't have my wand."
Smirk.
"Oh the shame…"
"And this is a closet, so I'd suppose there'd be more rats…"
"Wah? ARGH! I'm surrounded by rats!"
"And don't worry, I know the ancient technique to ward of rats!"
"An ancient technique?"
"Yeah, it was passed down from one Malfoy generation to another…"
Snorts.
"So what? Your great-great-great-great-great grandfather was the Pied Piper of Hamelin?"
"…"
"I'm waiting for an answer…"
"Great-great-great grandfather Jones, great-great-great-great grandfather James…"
"Hellooo…. Are you in some kind of trance?"
"No, I was just retracing my ancestors!"
"Whatever…"
"…"
"…"
"Uh… How did you know?"
"Know what, my ferret friend?"
"That my great-great-great-great-great grandfather was the Pied Piper of Hamelin."
Stares.
"I didn't even know, it was only a joke!"
"How did you read my mind?
"I didn't!"
"Maybe you could use telepathy to tell me all the answers during the finals…"
"OY! First of all, I did not read your mind. It was just a coincidence…"
"Oh wait, did you see that?"
"Where?"
"I think I just saw a pig fly…"
"Well, it is true that I didn't read your mind."
"Right…"
"And back to the subject, I won't help you cheat!"
"Not even if I gave you a thousand galleons?"
"I doubt that you even have that much money."
"What? You doubt the riches of a Malfoy?"
"Oh sheesh, never mind…"
"Hey, at least I took your mind off that rat…"
"What? Get it off, get it off!"
"But apparently not off your head…"
"Get it OFF!"
"Me and my big mouth…"
"ARGH!"
"If you want me to tell you how to get that rat off your big retarded head, stop flailing your arms and just shut up!"
"…"
"Good, now all you have to do is put your left hand in."
"Okay."
"Then put your left hand out."
"Uh-huh…"
"Put your left hand in."
"What?"
"Then shake it all about!"
"Why am I doing the hokey pokey?"
"Well, it's a very important part of the ritual!"
"The ritual?"
"To get the rat off!"
"Really?"
"No, I just wanted to make a fool out of you."
THONK!
"Ow…"
"HA-ha!"
"Why'd you hit me with that… that…"
"Fire extinguisher? Oh, it's because that's the only thing lighter than the bowling ball."
"What's a fire extinguisher?"
"Muggle thing to extinguish fires."
"Well, that's the obvious thing. So what do you do? When there is a fire, you take the thing and throw it to the fire?"
"No, you take the valve and point it to the fire."
"Then it magically disappears?"
"No, a white foamy substance comes out the thing and extinguishes the fire."
"I see, but why would we need a fire extinguisher in here? I mean, if there is a fire, we can just make it go away with a swish and flick."
"Dunno…"
"Maybe Dumbledore was on his shopping spree and bought this."
"I doubt it, maybe it was your precious Snape again…"
"Why do you always have to remind me about the pink bowling ball?"
"Because I want to make sure it will haunt you for the rest of your life."
"…"
"…"
"Uh… Granger?"
"Huh? What? ACK! RAT!"
"I knew this was going to happen…"
"Gerritoff gerritoff!"
"Calm down. The way to get the rat off is to…"
"What?"
"Sing."
"Habuwah?"
"Well, that's what the Pied Piper of Hamelin did to ward the rats away…"
"Oh, I shouldn't have trusted you…"
"Ever heard of the phrase 'music soothes the savage beast'?"
"Ever heard of the phrase 'shut up or perish'? Come on, there is no way I'm going to sing…"
"Fine, then you can just let the rat make itself at home."
"ACK! Fine fine! So what do I sing?"
"Don't know…"
"Okay, you better sing something first, anything I do, you better do first."
"Hey, that's not fair!"
"Well, if you would tell me to jump off a cliff, I'd ask you to do it first."
"Why?"
"So I'd know how to do it."
"What? You can't jump off a cliff yourself?"
"… And I'd die happy that way."
"…"
"Moving on…"
"Fine I'll sing.
"Huzzah!"
"Okay, a-hem."
"Do I hear Umbridge there flowing through your veins? With that voice singing, the rats will definitely leave."
Glares.
"What? Oh fine, sorry, ferret, do go on."
"Thank you.
The hills are alive with the sound of music
With songs they have sung for a thousand years
The hills fill my heart with the sound of music
My heart wants to sing every song it hears…"
"Where have I heard that song before? Oh yeah, a dead cat mewing."
"Oh sheesh."
"Well, I wouldn't have said that if you would have sung better!"
"…"
"And how did you even know that song?"
" …"
"It's the Sound of Music, for God's sake!"
"I know that it is the lovely sounds of music coming out of my mouth!"
"I meant the muggle movie!"
"…"
"The one with Julie Andrews?"
"…"
"Let's just forget it."
"Good idea."
"Phew."
"Which reminds me…"
"Oh no…"
"SING FOR ME WOMAN!"
"Sing for you, the ferret? I don't think so…"
"I don't mean for me, just sing, get the rat out of here, and get this over with."
"Whatever… But I still say your horrible singing already warded off the rats…"
"…"
"And I think you're just making me sing for you, since the sooner the rat gets off me, you'll be happy."
"Oh how did you know?"
"…"
"I was sarcastic there."
"Oh."
"…"
"So what do I do?"
"Sing!"
"…"
"You're just trying to stall there…"
"I know."
"And doing a good job of it, by the way."
"Oh thank you, I do try…"
"But now it's time for you to sing!"
"Argh…."
"It's the only way to get the rat off, unless you actually want to touch it…"
"Oh eww! Gross…"
"Then sing!"
"Okay fine… Um…"
"I'm waiting…"
"Fine! The wheels on the bus go round and round…"
"Wait, I thought it was 'The Wheels on the Wizard Bus go Round and Round'!"
"What? They have that version?"
"Uh-huh."
"Well, that's the muggle version."
"How nice."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"You can sing now…"
"Oh really? Why, I was merely waiting for you to sing again…"
"What? You want me to sing? Moi?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Oh, I'd be honored to, any requests?"
"Nope."
"Okay, fine.
One million bottles sitting on the wall, one million bottles sitting on the wall, one fell down and there are now, nine hundred ninety nine thousand and nine hundred and ninety nine bottles on the wall…"
"Oh great, what have I gone myself into?"
"Nine hundred ninety nine thousand and nine hundred and ninety nine bottles on the wall, nine hundred ninety nine thousand and nine hundred and ninety nine bottles on the wall…"
"Could you make it shorter?"
"Sure, it's you who got me into singing 'One million bottles' anyway…"
"Phew…"
"But, you just proved this is the best way to torture you!"
"Oh great…"
"Fine, on to the song:
An earthquake went through the southern hemisphere, and all the bottles fell from the wall."
"Yay! Woot!"
"Sarcasm Granger…"
"Fine, I admit that was not the best…"
"HA!"
"And did want you to sing more…"
"Really?"
"But then you had to stop before the next millennium."
"Awh, you wanted me to sing just for you to stall…"
"Meh, what ever…"
"But I can't turn my fans down!"
"What fans, ferret?"
"I must sing more!"
"No no no!"
"The hills are alive with the sounds of MOOOO-- ouch!"
"Phew…"
"What'd you do that for?"
"To stop you singing, of course."
"But you told me to keep singing!"
"That was just to stall."
"And that was a nice way to stall too! At least we'll have something to do until our so-called friends come!"
"Yeah, a nice way for YOU to stall. My ears are bleeding, for crying out loud!"
"What, you want me to cry out loud, sure! AAAAAAA…"
"It's just a figure of speech!"
"Oh shoot…"
"And you only want to sing just to torture me!"
"Hmm… Can't argue with that…"
"What ever…"
"Wait, have you forgotten something?"
"What?"
"Something black, squeaky, has a long pink tail, beady eyes…"
"Oh my God!"
"Yes, oh my God! You just found religion!"
"No, not that, the rat!"
"In school you're a fast learner, but now you're really slow to catch on…"
"Get it off!"
"Don't worry…"
"Why? Did the singing make it go away?"
"No…"
"What? It's still there?"
"Not exactly…"
"Then what is it?"
"I'm going to regret saying this…"
"JUST LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG!"
"Like the way you transformed into one back in second year?"
"…"
"I really don't want to tell you…"
"Oh come on…"
"Well, it's going to hurt someone, mostly me!"
"Please with sugar lumps on top?"
"…"
"I'll even let you sing again…"
"Oh really? Sure!
You are sixteen going on seventeen…"
"Okay! Enough singing! Time to tell me!"
"What?"
"A deal's a deal."
"I didn't even sing one song!"
"Well, I did say 'sing' and not specifically 'one song'…"
"What? Wait, you're right…"
"I know…"
"That way you could become a lawyer or attorney…"
"Well, that was just a lesson to teach you to read the fine print!"
"Huh? There was no contract whatsoever, so how could I read anything?"
"It just means to pay attention to the details…"
"Oh… I see…"
"Now, tell me about the rat. Where is it...?"
"Umm… I'm really uncomfortable saying it…"
"Why? What's wrong?"
"You see… Er…"
"SPIT IT OUT!"
"I made the rat up."
"…"
"Sorry?"
"Grr…"
"Uh-oh."
THONK.
"Wow, second time Ferret's gone hit in the head in five minutes."
…sing...
(A/N: I'm so sorry, I have no idea since my brain has an overload because of my finals… I'll try to update sooner, next week hopefully, and if I missed any of the reviewers, sorry! I'll mention you next chapter! If anyone asks 'why the Sound of Music?' well, blame my sister. She just watched The Sound of Music for the thousandth time with my mom since it's the only thing to do for 3 hours of boredom during the summer, and she was singing that bloody song. Aye... I hate that song, but it's my bloody inspiration! And now I should bloody stop talking and let you bloody review my bloody story! gets random things thrown at Aye... Fine, I'll stop saying bloody...)