"BORN, TO BE WEI-EI-RD!" Screamed the kidnapper roaring down the road in his beat up Ford. "BORN TO BE WEIRD!"
Calvin and Hobbes were huddled in the back seat.
"So what did you do!" he snarled at the kidnapper. "Tell the king to disguise himself as you!"
"No, but it was very convenient that somebody impersonated me!" The kidnapper grinned.
"You've been the real Rupert Chill all along!" Calvin yelled. "And the aliens have been the ones blamed for your crimes!"
"Correct-a-mungo!" The Kidnapper snarled. "My real name is Rupert Chill! And I was impersonated by some clown! But that all worked out, didn't it!"
Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances.
"You're not gonna murder us, are you?" Calvin asked.
Rupert laughed. "HA! Of corse not, child! I wouldn't be getting my ransom if I did that!"
"Wait a minute!" Calvin said. "What are you going to do with all that money if you can't even go into a grocery store?"
Rupert stared off into space, and thought about that.
"I haven't worked that out yet." He said, finally. "I'm just playing it by ear!"
"Oh." Calvin said.
"First on our grocery list!" Chill grinned. "A new car! Preferably a Mazda 626!"
Chill chugged his beat up, piece of junk into a Mazda car sale.
"First!" Chill whirled around to Calvin. "Everybody will have heard of your disappearance by now! And the ones that aren't celebrating will be on the lookout for you! Therefore, we have to get ya a disguise!"
"What was that crack about everybody celebrating?" Calvin growled. "Everybody I know are probably about to die of grief!"
"I'll bet." Chill said, rolling his eyes.
"Besides!" Calvin crossed his arms. "What are you possibly gonna dress me up as!"
"Funny that you used the word 'dress'." Chill grinned.
"I AM NOT GOING TO WEAR THIS!" Calvin screamed. "IT GOES AGAINST ALL MY RULES ON GROSS!"
Calvin was no longer wearing his usual red T-shirt with black pants.
He was now wearing a yellow dress with red polka dots. He was also wearing high heal shoes. He had red lipstick on, and his hair had been put into a pony tail.
Chill held his hands up to his cheek, in an adoring manner.
Hobbes was behind Calvin, laughing like some kind of deranged monkey.
"Be silent!" Chill said. "Girls don't make noise! Don't hold your hands up at me like that! Girls don't strangle people. And your name is Calmantha."
"I'LL MAKE NOISE! I'LL STRANGLE YOU! MY NAME ISN'T CALMANTHA!"
Hobbes was just about to suffocate under his maddened laughter.
"Alright!" Chill slipped on his trench coat. "While we're in there, you are to refer to me as 'Daadaa'."
"That's sounds painful." Calvin snarled. "Can I at least rub the lipstick off? I can hardly breath with lips this size!"
"Your voice is to boyish." Chill said. "Try talking in a higher voice. And blink your eyes a lot."
"YOU OWE ME BIG FOR THIS CHILL!" Calvin screamed.
Calvin, or should I say, Calmantha and Chill walked into the cabin.
All the time, Calvin was screaming like some kind of crazed elephant.
"Hello." Chill grinned at the manager. "I need a new car."
The manager stared at the insane child on the ground.
"Nice kid ya got there." He said.
Chill and the manager looked down at Calvin.
He was laying on the floor, spinning around in circles, foaming at the mouth, and all the time screaming like an I-don't-know-what.
"Yes, she is, isn't she?" Chill replied, still grinning like a lunatic.
"Well," The manager said, looking away from the insane youngster. "I do have a car you can use."
Chill payed the manager the money, and hopped into his new, gray, Mazda 626.
Calvin was on one of the back seats, banging his head against the seat.
"Thank you my good man!" Chill grinned, driving away.
Before they vanished behind a corner, Calvin slammed his face into the back window, fixed his eyes on the manager, and just stared. Oh, and he was still screaming.
The manager blinked several times, pushed his hat into place, and walked off.
"Next on our list of things to do!" Chill growled. "Camping supplies!"
Chill slammed on his brakes, and nearly crashed into Bob Ward's Sporting goods.
"We will now buy the following. A bunch of packed dinners, some bars, a tent, and all that other junk you'll find camping!"
Chill burst out of the car, and stomped over to the store.
"WAIT!" Calvin screamed. "Can't I be dressed up as something else? What If someone I knows, sees me?"
"Your more than fifty thousand miles from your house." Chill said.
"Oh, yeah." Calvin considered.
And so, Calvin remained a girl inside Bob Ward's.
"And now," Chill said. "We are off!"
Chill hit the gas pedal, and roared off.
"AH!" Chill laughed. "The simple life!"
Calvin and Hobbes were glued against the seat.
"RUPERT!" Calvin screamed. "YOU'RE GOING TO FAST!"
"So?" Chill asked.
A police siren came on, and started chasing them.
"Oh." Chill sighed. "Yeah, I forgot. I HOPE THERE'S LOTS OF GAS IN THIS THING!"
Chill shifted into fifth gear, and roared across the highway.
"HOLD ON TO YOUR BUTTS!" Chill screamed, in a deep voice.
Chill swerved and missed all the cars around.
"How'd you learn to drive like that?" Calvin asked.
"Because." Chill replied.
The police continued to chase the car.
"I can't believe this, Hobbes!" Calvin yelled. "We're in a car that's involved in a high speed chase!"
"Aren't we lucky?" Hobbes said, sarcastically.
"SHARP TURN!"
Chill jerked the wheel to the right, and turned off onto an exit.
Calvin and Hobbes crashed into the right hand side of the car.
"ANOTHER SHARP TURN!"
Chill jerked the wheel again, and this time, Calvin and Hobbes crashed into the left hand side of the car.
"For the record, I blame you." Hobbes said.
Chill started laughing like a lunatic, again, and continued to jerk the wheel left and right.
Then, they turned off onto a country road.
SHARP TURN!"
Chill jerked the wheel again, and roared off the road!
Calvin and Hobbes screamed, as Chill swerved to miss all the trees.
The police car stopped in shock.
Chill narrowed his eyes, and grinned, again.
He jerked the wheel to the right, and went roaring toward a huge wall of rock only a few hundred feet away!
Chill continued to laugh, and kicked the door off the Mazda.
Calvin and Hobbes watched in shock.
"Take my hand if you want to live!" Chill screamed, holding his hand out.
Calvin stared at his hand.
"Do you promise to take all this makeup off me?" He snarled.
Chill glanced at the rock. It was coming up fast.
"Yeah, yeah. sure, sure."
Calvin took Chill's hand. Hobbes took Calvin's hands.
All three of them leaped from the car, and landed in the soft grass.
"Now we can run for our lives." Chill said, calmly.
Calvin, Chill, and Hobbes screamed, and rushed away as fast as they could.
They all dove behind a rock, and took cover.
There was a boom.
Calvin looked up.
The Mazda hit the rock with a huge force, and it exploded with a fiery light!
"Now really!" Calvin said. "How often to get to see a car explode in real life?"
Hobbes stared at Calvin.
"That is such a stupid question, I refuse to answer it." He said.
A hubcap crash landed next to Calvin.
"Alrightee then." Chill said. "shall we go?"
Calvin stared at Chill.
"First you are to remove this hideous dress from my probably now poisoned and contaminated body!" He snarled.
Chill and Calvin walked out of the forest.
Calvin was now wearing his usual choice of clothing, again, and his hair stuck up in spikes, again.
"Welcome to Mexico." Chill hissed at Calvin. "Home to the donkeys and the people who talk weird."
"I want a taco." Calvin said.
"Alright." Chill walked up to a stand, and up to a man with a mustache and a sombrero.
"Senor esta?" He asked. "Getta somy dome so? Si?"
Chill raised an eyebrow.
"Bleahd gee goo goo gaa gaa. See see. hoopity, hoopity, hoopity! Blap blas. C?"
The man stared att Chill, with a blank expression on his face.
"Was that Spanish or Stupidity?" Hobbes asked.
"I dunno." Calvin said. "The only Spanish I know is Uno."
Calvin and Hobbes heard a slap.
They spun around.
The man at the stand had slapped Chill.
"Well, he's just offended the Mexican. Beware angry Mexicans. And don't make fun of their language." Calvin said.
"You did on that ship." Hobbes said.
"What, did you think the Mexican was going to reach through the radio, and slap me?" Calvin asked.
"Never mind." Hobbes said, rolling his eyes.
Calvin took a glance at the newspaper in another stand.
His eyes bulged.
"Hey Chill!" he called. "Could you buy me that newspaper?"
"First he wants the taco, then he wants the newspaper!" Chill growled, grumpily.
He payed the fee, and shoved the newspaper into Calvin's hands.
Calvin read the headline.
Escaped convict Rupert Chill sighted. Calvin's whereabouts, unknown
Be on the lookout for Rupert Chill, escaped convict. Has been sighted in many areas around the area. and invaded a local IGA, and attacked the manager.
"I wasn't aware they had English newspapers down here." Hobbes said.
He read the headline.
"Huh." He said. "We're even more doomed than I thought."