I couldn't. Or I wouldn't. Those were two different things. I couldn't cry. Or I wouldn't cry. It is hard to decide. And this deciding has been going on for a few days. I didn't talk to anyone. Except for Sayoran. He is always here for me. He tried to comfort me. It sort of helped. But it was hard losing the second person that was very important to me again. I think Sayoran understood that. I'm not sure if he has lost someone that meant a lot to him like that. Anyway. He is starting to mean more to me. Not that I am going to admit right out that I like him. Its more of that I am starting to care for him more. He's not the stupid bastard I thought he was. I know he cares for me a lot. I think he made that clear that one night that we talked in the kitchen. I never saw him with Lily anymore either. I'm starting to wonder what happened between them.

I visited Nicholas' grave. It was in the backyard of the hideout along with other members of the Wolf gang that were lost to a gang war. It's hard to look at someone's grave. Especially when you read what is on the black graves stone.

Nicholas Hitomaru

Died- Too soon

Be strong. Don't let fear take over you. I'll come back for you…. One day.

The sentence recalled the day he died. It was put there in memory of what his last words to me were. It is the first time I have been down here. I picked some cherry blossoms from the tree at the front on the house. I laid them down in front of the graves stone. I sat down on the grass. It's soft and felt cool against my legs. I started to talk to Nicholas. Just about anything. But I came to one subject that surprised even me.

"You know Sayoran? He's been really nice to me. He has taken care of me. I don't know really what's happening between us. I know he cares for me and I care for him too. It's just weird. I don't even think I want to know what is going to happen."

I looked up to the sky. The clouds made a perfect shade for me with some light leaking through.

"This is different. I don't think I want to know what I'm feeling. Its scary. Well… This coming from a person who has been shot at on the highway and has shot people back. I guess what I'm asking is for permission. I don't know what for. Maybe to move on. Maybe to be my old self. Maybe to actually live the way I'm supposed to."

The wind blew lightly over me. Bringing my bangs out of my eyes.

"Thank you." I whispered as I kissed the stone and got up and walked away.

I sat on the sing that was hanging from the cherry blossom tree. The same tree I had gotten the flowers for Nicholas. It's a big swing. Almost like a bench. I let the wind swing me ever so slightly. Flower petals flew around me. Almost like a dream. The wind stopped for a second. It started again. Almost like a sigh. I could sit here all day. Just swing back and forth. It was soothing. Almost like a song.

Staring out at the rain with her heavy heart
It's the end of the world in my mind.
then your voice holds me back like a wake up call
I've been looking for the answer, somewhere…

I felt some force push me harder into the air. When I came back the force sat beside me facing the opposite direction. Sayoran looked at me. I just stared forward.

I couldn't see that it was right there
But now I know what I didn't know

We didn't say anything. Just sat there. Swinging back and forth. I looked at Sayoran. His eyes held me. I was trapped. Trapped in his world. My world. Our own world. Nothing existed except for us. He didn't need to say anything. I know how he felt. I know how I felt. He leaned into me and wrapped his arm around my shoulder to pull me to him. His lips gently brushed mine before he pressed them to my lips.

Because you live, and breathe
because you made me believe in my self
When nobody else can help
Because you live (girl)
my world has twice as many stars in the sky

This kiss wasn't the same. It wasn't the same as when he had first kissed me. Behind this kiss had meaning. Caring. Hope. Sayoran was turning into someone new. Someone who wasn't like Gabriel. Someone who wasn't like Nicholas. He was someone who deserved life. Deserved anything that lived.

It's alright, I survived, I'm alive again,
'Cause of you, made it through every storm,
What is life? What's the use, if you're killing time?
I'm so glad I found an angel…

Sayoran pulled back from me. Tears had come to my eyes and floated away as we swung. His soft hand wiped some tears from my face that managed to stay on in the wind.

Someone…who was there when all my hopes fell.
I want to fly, lookin' in your eyes…

He smiled. His smile was different too. And it is another breaking point between me and Sayoran. The walls that held us apart were breaking. One by one. There is now almost nothing keeping us from something we both desired.

Because you live, and breathe
because you made me believe in my self
When nobody else can help
Because you live (girl…you live …)
my world (my world) has twice as many stars in the sky

"Five bucks in my pocket says that we just did something very crazy in our life." Sayoran said as he leaned his forehead on mine and closed his eyes.

" You don't even have pockets."

" All the more reason to bet."

I laughed. I just laughed. I never laughed when it came to situations like this. In fact, I barely laughed unless I forced myself to.

Because you live … I live

That is what one person can do to you. One person that has the will and hope to make a person laugh. There wasn't anything truer to the world.

I started to talk to Selina, Mikelle, and the others. It was getting back to the way it was before Nicholas died. I can talk about it now without pain. It made me feel happy that day when I went to his grave. I know, just like Gabriel did, that Nicholas wanted me to move on. And for that I thanked them both.

We played a game. Itis called 'Things'. You would ask a question like 'things that piss me off' and people would name them. And whoever lost would take a drink of Sake.

So far, I was the soberest person with only one drink in me. And it was only getting easier. While everyone else was getting more drunk, whenit came to me, I said the most bizarre question I could think of. Such as:

"Things my pink bunny slippers wear"

"Things that make your mom dance in the shower"

"Things I cant think of right now"

Stuff like that. And the answers were even better:

"Horse shoes"

"Your own mom"

"Purple emus"

Poor guys. Tomorrow they will probably all have hangovers. And if that was going to happen I was not sleep with Sayoran tonight just to be woken up by a retching sound. I could just go to Nicholas's old room. I often did that. It was sort of my getaway place that I felt comfortable in.

It was Mikelle's turn to ask the question now.

"Things that have five eyes ten ears and lives with your mom."

Wow. They were super drunk. All the more amusing to me.

They all fainted one by one in the living room. Which left me and half a bottle of Sake. I opted to leave it alone. But then again it wouldn't hurt to take another drink. I took a big gulp. It wasn't enough to get me drunk, just enough to give me a headache in the morning.

I left the others in the living room. No way am I going to break my back getting them to bed.

Yes so I hope you all like it that Sayoran and Sakura are together. But I never said that they are in love… yet. And please Animefreakkagome no killing yourself with a cup. I don't want to be blamed for your death. lol

Luv Janey