"HA! Cursed Paleface! You dare enter the camp of Red Chief, the terror of the plains!"

Chill gave Calvin a blank stare.

"OH! I get it! You're playing Indian!"

He put a hand to his forehead, and said, "HOW!"

Calvin gave Chill a blank stare.

"Ok." He said. "You've reminded me of that scene in that stupid Peter Pan movie, and all at once, I've lost interest. Thanks a lot."

Chill blinked.

"Well, uh-huh. Here we are!"

Calvin looked up.

He. Hobbes and Chill had been hiking for a long time, but then, they came to a cave.

"COOL!" Calvin yelled.

He rushed up, and started to go inside the cave.

"HEY!" Calvin yelled. "There's a end to the cave! This thing only goes ten feet into the ground!"

Chill rolled his eyes, and took some sleeping bags out of the backpack he was carrying.

"Well." Chill said. "This is the life! Camping in the middle of..."

"I hate camping." Calvin growled.

Chill's eyes glazed over.

"Oh." He said. "Well, don't think of it as camping. Think of it as..."

"Where's the TV?" Calvin demanded. "I hate this place!"

"There were cheerier people in jail." Chill mumbled.

"What?" Calvin yelled. "Don't mutter."

"Half to you!" Chill said.

Hearing this phrase way to many times from Hobbes, Calvin screamed like a Indian and a homicidal maniac mixed together, and leaped into the middle of Chill.

"DIE!" He screeched. "DIE!"

Chill finally threw Calvin off, but he payed a price.

Calvin took three handfuls of hair with him, and probably part of his ear.

"You dare throw Red Calvin off you!" Calvin spat, turning back to Indian. "You shall be burned at dawn!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

"This kidnapper is in for on long night." He thought.

After a while, Calvin started getting bored again.

And you know what happens when Calvin starts getting bored.

"Spaceman Spiff stalks the alien species." Calvin thought.

He inched for Chill.

"The alien does not suspect him!"

Chill was messily eating a can of beans.

"OUR HERO SPRINGS THROUGH THE AIR!"

Chill looked up, just in time to see some disturbed boy land on top of his face.

"HA HA! SPIFF HAS CAPTURED THE ALIEN! HA HA HA HA!"

Chill and Calvin rolled around on the ground, screaming.

Hobbes watched.

Hobbes was just glad that real aliens were here right now. If they were, Calvin would have... Hobbes didn't know what Calvin would've done. But it would have been loud and weird.

At last, Chill pried the lunatic off him. But he had to surrender more hair. Why did Calvin grab onto the hair, as a last resort? It was a mystery Chill would never discover.

RI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-P!

Later that night, Chill had almost fell asleep, when he remembered that Calvin said that he was to be burned at dawn.

He got up, and looked around.

Calvin wasn't there.

Chill was sure that Calvin wouldn't try to escape, because his stuffed tiger was still there.

Chill was also sure he didn't pack any matches, so he went back to sleep.

Calvin was in the food. He was making a trail of gummy bears down the slope, whistling to himself.

About a kilometer away, a Black Bear sniffed the food, and followed the trail.

Calvin continued to make a trail of gummy bears.

When he reached camp, Calvin poured the rest of the bag on Chill's chest.

Then ran away.

"Cruel, I know." Calvin said. "But even I need to have some fun!"

Calvin hid behind a tree, and watched the bear coming down the slope.

"I hope Rupert knows how to play dead!" Calvin snickered.

The bear walked up to Chill, and started licking the food off his chest.

Chill's eyes drifted open.

Then nearly bugged out of his head.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" He screamed in a deep, crazed voice.

The bear stood up on its hind legs, and roared.

"Back!" Chill commanded, in an English accent. "back! Back I say!"

The bear stalked for Chill.

Chill grabbed some bear spray, and sprayed it into the bears eyes.

"AH HA HA HA HA HA!" he screamed like a maniac, keeping his hand on the trigger. "I AM IN CONTROL! HA HA HAHA HA!"

It was then that Chill realized what he was spraying into the bear.

"Who switched my pepper spray with Hair spray?" He asked, in sheer terror.

The bear's hair looked presentable now, but he was still angry that Chill had just done something to him.

"Shall I go save him, now?" Hobbes asked, walking up to Calvin.

"No, I will." Calvin said, picking up a rock.

"HEY! SMELLY! GET OUT OF HERE!" Calvin pitched the rock at the bear

The bear turned its nasty look away from Chill.

"Well." Calvin said. "That worked."

"Yeah. It sure did." Hobbes said. "Now the bear's heading for us."

"Oh yeah." Calvin considered.

Calvin and Hobbes stared at the approaching bear for a second, then screamed like maniacs.

"AAAA! BEAR! HELP!"

Calvin and Hobbes frantically started climbing the tree.

"Can't bears climb trees?" Hobbes asked.

"How am I supposed to know?" Calvin asked. "Am I some kind of expert on the subject?"

The bear stared at Calvin and Hobbes up in the tree. It then began to climb the tree.

"Who's idea was it to climb the stupid tree, anyway?" Calvin asked.

Well, you went up it. I was just following." Hobbes replied.

The bear was almost on top of them.

Calvin stared down at the branch it was standing on.

"Hmmmm." He said. "What would happen if I broke this?"

Calvin pulled out his Transfogoromer Gun out, and shot the branch.

It snapped, and the Bear tumbled back to Earth.

"The good old Transfogoromer Gun also works as a laser." Calvin said, proudly.

"Oh delight." Hobbes said. "He has a weapon."

The next day, Chill woke up with the sound of Calvin.

"BUY A BAG OF CHOCOLATE FROSTED SUGAR BOMBS!" He screamed. "CRUNCHY ON THE INSIDE CHEWY ON THE INSIDE!"

Wonderful good morning, Huh?

Chill got up, and stare at Calvin with bloodshot eyes.

"Oh, good morning." He said. "Sorry. didn't mean to wake you."

Chill stared at Calvin.

"UH." He muttered.

A little later, they were back on the road.

Only this time they didn't have a car.

"We're going to have to hitch a ride." Chill said. "Hence, we need a disguise."

"No way." Calvin said, firmly. "There is no way you are going to dress me up like a girl again. If you do... I WILL DESTROY YOU!"

"Wouldn't put it past him." Hobbes said.

"No, I'm not." Chill sighed.

"You will pay dearly, Chill." Calvin muttered.

He was now wearing a beanie, holding a lolly pop, and had his cheeks colored red.

Hobbes was laughing his head off.

Do you know what Chill was dressed as? A fat old woman.

He was wearing a big green dress, had glasses on, wearing high heals, and now talked slower than usual, with a womanly voice.

"A woman's work is never done." He told Calvin.

He shoved his finger into the street, and started his procedure.

Nobody stopped.

"I can't believe that these miss-fits haven't stopped." Chill said.

He led Calvin and Hobbes to a gas station across the street, and walked up to a man filling up his tank.

"Young man." Chill said. "We need a lift. Could you please assist us?"

The man looked up.

"I'm sorry, Ma'am, but I can't." He said.

"My boy and I have been walking the streets for days." Chill said.

"I'm sorry about that but..."

"Is this how you treat your mother?" Chill demanded. "Is this the torture that that poor woman must endure?"

The man shrugged. "Well, my mother has been a little angry..."

"Mmm-hmm." Chill muttered. "You should be working at this gas company with all these other miss-fits. If you had an ounce of humanity left in that shell of yours, then you'd ride me and my boy into town. I have a fish waiting to be fed as we speak."

The man gave Chill a glare.

"Ok, fine, I'll give you a ride. Are you satisfied?"

"Tell your mother that this creature has seen the light." Chill uttered.

At that very moment, over five pounds of fluff fell out of Chill's dress, and the old woman's fat vanished.

The man, Calvin, Hobbes, and Chill all stared at it.

Chill looked up.

"The doctor told me that I'd only have to wear this until after the surgery." He said.

The man leaped into his car, and drove off as fast as he could.

"So much for that idea." Calvin said. "Can I take off the beanie?"

Chill muttered, and grumbled, and stuffed the fluff back into his dress.

He then walked into the gas station.

There was a tall teen at the desk.

"You there, young man." Chill said, continuing to use his old woman voice. "I need to use your telephone."

The teen pointed to the bathroom.

"It's over..."

"The doctor said that the surgery had to be done in the dead of night when there would be no witnesses. What he meant, I have no idea."

"Uh-huh." The teen said. "The phone's over th..."

"No matter how hard you try, you just can't find a good doctor." Chill said. "I'm should just give up, and just lie in bed all day and slowly rot."

"Mm-hmm." The teen said, rolling his eyes. "The phone is over the..."

"What does it take to get a good doctor in this country?" Chill asked. "In my day, the doctors weren't so slothful. I ought to sue the medical center."

"Ma'am," The teen said. "I have to get back to work."

"My doctor must be the worst of them all." Chill complained. "He never cared about my rotting body. All that matters to him is his steady paycheck."

The teen sighed, and walked away.

"You see there?" Chill asked Calvin. "The children of today's general public are so rude, Johnny."

Calvin sighed.

Chill walked up to the phone and dialed Calvin's number.

Meanwhile, Rupert, Earl, and the crew were all inside Calvin's house, preparing the trap.

Mom and Dad were still tied up.

"No the elctro-net should be over there, you morons!" Earl yelled, pointing at the stairs.

The alien sighed and picked the net up again.

ZZZT!

"AAA!"

Just then the phone rang.

"What that?" An alien asked.

"Is it something else I can break?" Earl asked.

"It's the phone!" Dad yelled. "Somebody answer it!"

One of the aliens waltzed up to the phone, and picked it up.

"Hello? Alien from another planet speaking?"

"Give me that!" Earl screamed ripping the phone out of the other alien's tentacles.

"I'm calling about the ransom." Chill said in his woman voice.

"Who is this?" Earl demanded.

"So rude." Chill said. "In my day the children were most polite people on the planet. And now they've gone to the sewers."

Earl blinked.

"Is this the kidnapper?" He asked.

"My medical bills are as high as the Vampire State Building." Chill said. "For the return of your child, I wish for six million dollars in small unmarked bills delivered to me. And then, my doctor will be satisfied, and will give me surgery."

Earl rolled his eyes.

"That's a high price." Earl said.

"When you deal with a doctor like mine, you have to take what you can when you can." Chill said.

"Maybe if you payed us fifty hundred dollars, we'll take him off your hands, lady." Earl grinned.

"He is a little angel." Chill said. "You'd be lucky if I gave him back for the money. The lousy child that me and his equally lousy father had..."

At that very moment, Earl heard Calvin screaming over the phone.

"WHAT DO YA MEAN THIS COMIC BOOK IS FIVE DOLLARS? WHO HAS THAT KIND OF MONEY? WHAT? DO YOU THINK MONEY GROWS ON TREES? I OUGHTA SUE YOU FOR FALSE ADVERTISING YOU UGLY, ZIT-COVERED, PILE OF BOOGERS!"

"The idea seems extremely tempting." Chill said.

Earl grinned, and hung up.

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" Calvin droned, no longer realizing what he was saying.

Chill was staring at the road with bloodshot eyes.

His lip was quivering, and his eyes weren't in focus.

Calvin was driving him even more insane then he already was.

At last, they entered familiar territory.

Chill chugged his car up to Calvin's house.

He burst out of the car, grabbed Calvin, and carried him to the now fixed door.

He banged his fist against the door.

A very shaken Mom answered.

"TAKE HIM!" Chill screamed. "I'm about to go MAD! All it is is Spaceman Spiff this! Captain Napalm that! If I'm have to hear another word from him, I think I'm going to EXPLODE!"

His eye twitched.

"GOOD BYE! AND GOOD RIDDANCE!"

He started laughing like a madman, and crawled into his car.

He turned one last, insane look at Mom, then drove off.

Calvin, Mom, and Hobbes stared after him.

Mom dropped Calvin onto the porch.

"Calvin!" She whispered. "run!"

"What?" Calvin asked. "Chill is gone, and all is as it should be."

"It's not the kidnapper." Mom whispered. "It's..."

Mom stopped.

How was she going to say that the aliens had come back for him, if she didn't even believe him in the first place?

Calvin would never let her live it through.

"Yes?" Calvin asked. "It's what?"

It was then that Calvin heard something.

It was a raspy, hacksaw laugh.

The same laugh that had haunted Calvin's dreams for months.

The same laugh that Calvin had tried to forget since the first time he had heard it.

It was the alien.

Rupert Chill.

And this time, there was nothing around to save him!