Fade In. Clouds. On the grass lies the head of a hero. The back of his head faces the sun as he slowly forces himself up from the green hell. It is a challenge for this mighty men, slayer of beasts to actually stand on his two legs as the world around seems to be a crazy haze of many sights and sounds that are very abnormal to him. He looks around his surroundings to spot any familiar sights. Castles. Horses. Giant evil monsters. That is when he sees it. A creature so evil that Hell itself spat it out. It was a Buick.
Beowulf
Demon fiend of the spawn of Cain named Buick! I bequeath ye to desert these fair lands before ye become gutted like the sea monster ye are!
The car gives no answer. Suddenly, its headlights come in a horrible, blaring flash. It starts screaming its ghastly wailing as ferocious as a thousand banshees. Beowulf tries to cover his eyes and ears to divert this horrible attack made upon him but he only does it for a moment out of surprise. He picks himself up in resolve.
Beowulf
That shall be your last cry ye bitter foe of humanity! I cast ye back to the abyss!
Beowulf charges and attacks the car in a great fury. He attacks with his fists and legs but it does not destroy this terrible beast!
Cut to a MAN rushing to the car after exiting a building. He is pissed off that the car alarm has gone on again. He fondles the keys to turn off the alarm when he spots a man wailing on his beloved automobile.
Man
Hey! I still have two more payments!
He turns off the alarm but he is too afraid to confront the man. Beowulf stands in triumph over his kill as the man calls a number on his cell phone.
Beowulf
Had enough foul beast? I would believe so! Nothing can withstand the might of Beowulf!
Man
Hello, 911? Yeah, there is this crazy man attacking my car… no he is just using his fists… he seems somewhat dangerous… uh, no there seems to be no permanent damage to the car but, hey, look, this guy is frickin' nuts. Just come over and take him in to wherever you house people like this… an asylum, yes I know what it means… okay but be careful, this guy seems pretty strong.
The man turns off his cell phone as Beowulf stands in triumph on the hood of the car.
Cut to: Night. Headlights reveal a sign for Herot House For the Mentally Ill.
Cut to: Inside the Herot House for the Mentally Ill. Beowulf, via the POV of the camera in a fish bowl lens shot, is taken to the front doors of the Geatland Ward, the hall for the dangerously insane. A kindly doctor, DR. ROMERO, speaks to Beowulf.
Dr. Romero
Welcome home.
The doors swing open to a nearly empty ward. It is a very pleasant area with couches and soft classical music playing in the background. In front of the TV, PATIENT 24601, dressed in a ballerina outfit, vapidly stares into the abyss of the TV. On a sofa in the back is HOLDEN CAULFIELD, who is wearing his hunter cap over his head. Somewhere else the QUEEN OF SPADES stands guard over the ward.
Cut to: Beowulf, out of POV mode. His straight jacket is taken off and he sits down on a sofa, still trying to figure out where he is. Beowulf approaches Patient 24601 and sits down on the couch.
Beowulf
Excuse me, young mistress! May ye explain what are these queer surroundings where I have been taken against my will and (he sees the Television) ye gods! There are human souls held captive in that glowing box! It's horrible! Why won't ye help them!
Patient 24601
Looks like somebody does not like to watch Prime Time! Prime Time! Prime Time! Oh I so love Prime Time! Prime Time! Prime Time! Join us! Join!
Beowulf
Ye gods! It has taken ye as well! I must flee! Do not look further onto this Beelzebub box until I return with reinforcements to exorcise the demons!
Beowulf runs off the couch and franticly searches for people to help him vacate the demons from the TV. Seeing there is only one male, Holden, he runs to him and pushes Holden to wake up. Holden wakes up to see this huge man standing over him.
Holden
(Irritably) What do you want?
Beowulf
Do ye not know? The Beelzebub box has taken a victim! Seeing ye are the only male in this unhallowed establishment, ye must help me exorcise the box before it is too late!
Holden looks over to the TV.
Holden
That, my quixotic friend, is a TV. The last time I checked, it was not really a product of Satan. It is just a lousy Sony. Now, would you leave your phony chivalric code behind and let me sleep!
Holden jerks his hat over his eyes and goes to sleep.
Beowulf
(Shouting) Is there no one here that will help me on my quest? Anyone?
There is silence for a little while. Suddenly a door is heard to open off camera.
Cut to: A door slamming open. A devious man, with thick-rimmed glasses and dark clothing walks slowly down the ward toward Beowulf. This is DR. GRENDEL.
Dr. Grendel
Who has awakened me from my slumber? I need an answer with haste! I will not take delinquency in my ward!
Beowulf
(To Grendel) It is I! There seems to be a villainous spirit trapping souls in that box!
Dr. Grendel
(With an inquisitive look) You must be new here. Yes, that must be it. You must be the case suffering from delusions of grandeur. Well, newcomer, I must inform you that there are no spirits trapped in that box, there are no monsters around this ward, and THERE IS NO SHOUTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! You will adhere to the rules of this ward like everyone else. I have made it my civic duty to make a 100 page booklet of the do's and do not's of this ward. (He takes a booklet from a table and throws it Beowulf). With it are the punishments refined to each regulation. Since this is your first offense, I will let you off with a warning. You are a patient here and I am responsible for your betterment. If you deviate from these rules anymore, I will not give any mercy no matter what disorder you have. As long as you are here, you are my problem. Hopefully that is clear to you now. I expect no more shouting tonight.
There is a large uproar from the doors and MOTHER GRENDEL storms in.
Mother Grendel
(Shouting) WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE? DIDN'T I TELL YOU I NEEDED MY BEAUTY SLEEP? WHY CAN'T I HAVE ONE QUIET NIGHT IN THE INSANE ASYLUM?
Dr. Grendel
(Apologetically) Sorry, sorry mother. It will not happen again.
Mother Grendel
OH, IT BETTER NOT YOU POOR EXCUSE FOR A SON! NOW HELP MOTHER BACK TO BED!
She storms off camera. Holden takes his cap up a little from his eyes.
Dr. Grendel
(To Beowulf) Last warning. (To everyone) THAT IS FOR EVERYONE TOO!
Dr. Grendel follows Mother Grendel off screen. Beowulf is calm after this confrontation but holds a fist. Holden gets up to talk to Beowulf.
Holden
For a phony like yourself, you got a lot of guts.
Beowulf
Nay! He is but a common knave! I would not be surprised if he were the cause of the souls trapped in the box! If he had enough guts to stay, I would have told him five points of why he is flawed in his presumptions!
Holden
What is this chivalry crap? Look, even I know not to annoy Dr. Grendel. He is not a jerk to cross. He is a very scientific guy. He comes at night sometimes to take people in for his experiments. Give it up before you have your head grafted to a mule or think you are driven into an even deeper insanity.
Beowulf
Why would I give it up? I am Beowulf! No man can destroy me!
Holden
Apparently he can. If you want to survive here you have two options: shut up or find some horseshoes. I would recommend the latter if you can't shut your damn mouth up.
Beowulf
Never! Never give in! To destroy who ye are is death!
Holden
Nice message. Maybe I can find a show on PBS that gives a damn about it. I'm going out for a smoke; hopefully you'll still be human when I get back. I don't like animals.
Holden leaves the ward.
Beowulf
What an odd little man.
Cut to: Next morning. Beowulf sleeps on a couch in the ward when a door opening awakes him. Beowulf jerks up in alert to see Holden Caulfield coming in with Dr. Romero subduing him into the ward. Dr. Romero puts Holden down in a chair.
Dr. Romero
It is lucky that I caught you this time. Dr. Grendel would not be pleased to see you in his office again for escaping. I won't tell him this time but, please, don't try it again.
Holden
Blow off.
Dr. Romero exits perturbed over Holden's insubordination. Beowulf wonders what Holden has done while Holden takes out his lighter.
Holden
(Playing with his lighter) It is hard to come by a good smoke nowadays.
Beowulf tries to figure out what Holden means but stays on the couch.
Beowulf
Tell me young lad, how did ye attempt to escape this hell-forged establishment?
Holden
(Aside) At least you are no longer talking about the TV. (Stops aside) Well it is quite simple; you just go outside and don't come back.
Beowulf
Why would ye do that? Where would ye go
that is not here?
Holden
Sometimes you just don't have to be where you don't want to be.
Beowulf
That is coward ness! This Dr. Grendel besieges this place, as I have heard by your stories a fortnight ago. Nay, I no longer wish to escape this establishment for that would be the act of grave dishonor. We need to destroy this Dr. Grendel, forthwith!
Holden
Where did we come from?
Beowulf
Why I need followers to join me in this
terrible confrontation! Do ye think I can fight that beast with only
my great, humongous strength unmatched by any man?
Holden
You know, I have never heard a phony not praise their unmatchable strength.
Beowulf
(Jumping up) YE DOUBT MY AWESOME MIGHT?
Holden
Yeah, ye got a problem with that?
Beowulf abruptly goes up to the nearest door and RIPS it off its hinges with great ease.
Holden drops his lighter in awe but does not express it in his facial region.
Beowulf
Ye want to catch?
Holden
Uh… no thanks, Superman.
Beowulf tries to find a good place to put the door while Holden thinks aloud.
Holden
(Aside) The guy is pretty strong… maybe he would be pretty good to have around when leaving again. Hmm… going to have to think of a way to actually bust me out. I'll just ad-lib. (Stops aside) Hey… uh… Beowulf!
Beowulf turns around, dropping the door.
Beowulf
Yes, young lad?
Holden
Uh… I think I know where Dr. Grendel's… uh… lair is!
Beowulf
(Taken aback) Expel this location, posthaste!
Holden
It's… uh…forty leagues up the road… near the Quickstop!
Beowulf
Dear gods! That sounds too villainous! We must prepare for this epic clash! Wait, no! We must leave now and go find where this creature lives! Near the malicious, almost diabolical Quickstop! I do not need weapons! For the good of humanity, let us depart!
Holden
Yes, that sounds good. Let me put on my hunter cap.
They begin to go but Beowulf stops Holden for a second.
Beowulf
Before we go, I must tell ye, I foresee my death in this grim battle. If I fall, cover for me.
Holden
Uh, yeah, sure.
Beowulf
Let us hope we do not encounter the devil itself on our journey to the nefarious Quickstop. It may cause a delay. Now off! This accursed knave wastes no time for evil!
They run off
Cut to: Psychology office. Patient 24601 is on a sofa while Dr. Romero sits in a chair. He is concentrating on writing on a little clipboard that he has.
Dr. Romero
(Not looking at Patient 24601) I think we have to stop seeing each other.
Patient 24601
(Pouting) Why? Is it because of my Tutu? I can fix that! Fix! Fix!
Dr. Romero
No. It is not that. You see we are from two different worlds. I am a doctor and you are… criminally insane. We just cannot see each other like this anymore. It would be unethical.
Patient 24601
Oh! I can change! See! (She gets up and starts twisting around and sits down again). See! I am a different person now! 360 degrees ago I was insane but now I am not insane!
Dr. Romero
I'm sorry. The wife and kids wonder where I go at night and I cannot keep on saying that I am working late. There is a time in everyone's life where they realize what they truly need in life. I think it is to have a stable family, not excursions with a mental patient.
Patient 24601
I have family! Lots of family! There are some in New Guinea, Denmark, and I think Greenland. All of them are really famous! They are related to Napoleon!
Dr. Romero
I am sending you to Dr. Killjoy next week. It would be better off for the both of us. You need help. I will have a Rorschach inkblot of a rose in my heart for you always.
Patient 24601
No! No! I can change! Just you wait! I don't need pills! Pills! Pills! I can do it by myself.
Dr. Romero
Not in your condition. Lighter cases, maybe, but you, dear, have gone far over the edge.
An alarm sounds in the background.
Announcer (O.S)
ATTENTION! ATTENTION! ESCAPE FROM GEATLAND WARD! ALL DOCTORS ARE NEEDED TO APPREHEND ESCAPEES! ALL GUARDS DOWN!
Dr. Romero
Our session is over.
Dr. Romero leaves in a hurry dropping his clipboard behind.
Patient 24601
DON'T LEAVE ME! LEAVE! LEAVE! (She picks up the clipboard). (To clipboard) Hello! How are you?
Cut to: Beowulf and Holden Caulfield on the run. They are in a forest like region next to a road. They stop for a second since Holden is out of breath.
Holden
(Huffing) I should really stop smoking.
Beowulf
(Looking around) We must be getting
closer! There are monsters swarming everywhere!
He takes a look at the road to see many cars traveling on it.
Beowulf
What is that odd whirring sound?
Holden
That's what happens when you throw a guard out the window! Come on! There are… minions… yes, minions! They are coming after us.
Beowulf
More of them? Well then, Wieglif, we should not waste anytime! Onward!
They begin to move when a voice calls off screen.
Policeman (O.S)
FREEZE! YOU ARE SURROUNDED! NO ESCAPE!
Holden puts his hands up.
Beowulf
What are ye doing? We must move forward! No time to act out blocks of ice!
Beowulf continues to move forward.
Policeman (O.S)
I SAID PUT YOUR HANDS UP NOW! YOU ARE SURROUNED!
Holden
You have a death wish, do you?
Beowulf follows Holden's example and puts his hands up.
Cut to: Insane Asylum, Geatland Ward. It is day and two guards that have many casts on take in Beowulf and Holden. Beowulf is somewhat dismayed for being captured. Dr. Grendel comes in very angry. He stares at both of them menacingly.
Dr. Grendel
I should have both of your heads examined. I should cut them open and see what gooey insanity has caused you, under my watchful eye, to escape my just asylum. I give you everything. I give you food, couches, and… the TV. What else do you two want?
Beowulf
I hear different! I hear that your watchful eye is one of evil! Ye have brought the devil into this world through the guise of a kind, humble caretaker of this village!
Dr. Grendel
So… you have heard… I can't let you escape again. I can't let this get out. (To the guards) Send him to the Fire Dragon Room… to mold him for betterment.
The Queen of Spades steps up. The camera twists in.
Queen of Spades
OFF WITH HIS HEAD!
The guard attempts to take Beowulf, who shows little resistance. Holden turns to the Dr.
Holden
Hey, Doctor! Where do you get this molding crap? Making better people, huh? I went to a boarding school that said the same thing. It was a terrible school no matter how you look at it. I bet there were probably two clear thinking people there and they came to the school that way. I was kicked out of a lot of boarding schools before. I was not kicked out of that school. I stayed there. You know why? It was too damn icy outside. I couldn't say the same thing about your asylum. It is just a lousy run down piece of junk that still operates because you get enough money out of it. You don't care about us. You only want to look good for your mother. You are not a doctor. Just a phony like everyone else.
The Doctor turns bright red.
Dr. Grendel
(To guard taking Beowulf) Hold off. I changed my mind. I think someone else needs to be retooled. Guard, can you take Mr. Caulfield for a lobotomy?
Beowulf becomes very angry and rips himself from the clutches of the guard.
Beowulf
YE WILL HAVE TO GET THROUGH, I, BEOWULF, SON OF HYGLAC!
Beowulf seizes the guard's baton and CUTS him through. The other guard immediately sheathes his baton but Beowulf runs him through, impaling the other guard and leaving the baton sticking out. Dr. Grendel comes in to attack with his fist but Beowulf grabs it and crushes it. The Doctor squeals in agony as Beowulf twists his arm in back of him. Doctor Grendel tries to run away but as soon as he tries his arm is YANKED out of its socket. The Doctor falls to the ground, bleeding plentifully around the ward. The Doctor continues to crawl to get away from Beowulf. Beowulf carries the arm in triumph. In the background, Holden stands in cover. Mother Grendel runs into the room to see the chaos.
Mother Grendel
HEY! YOU KILLED HIM! AND HE WAS DUE FOR MY AFTERNOON FOOT RUB! OH, YOU ARE NOT GETTING AWAY WITH THIS YOU POND SCUM!
She charges towards Beowulf in a great rage. Beowulf holds Dr. Grendel's arm back, as if it were a baseball bat. He takes a quick swing and LOBS off Mother Grendel's head. Her head flies through the ward.
Beowulf
AYE! YE ALL HAVE TASTED THE TRUE PROWESS OF BEOWULF! WHO WANTS SOME MORE? I STILL HAVE SOME MIGHT TO SPARE!
Dr. Romero comes in behind Beowulf and quickly sedates him. Beowulf drops Dr. Grendel's arm and Dr. Romero holds Beowulf's arms behind his back. Holden comes out of hiding.
Beowulf
(To Holden sedated) Wieglif, ye have done me great service in this time of great evil. To ye, I let you inherit the realm of Geatland Ward. Before I depart to my inevitable journey to the abyss, what would ye ask of me?
Holden
I was wondering, out of curiosity, are you really Beowulf or just another phony?
Beowulf smiles as Dr. Romero hauls him away to the Fire Dragon, lobotomy room. Holden looks through the double doors as Beowulf is taken away. The camera looks through the doors as Holden puts on his hunter's cap and sits back down in the chair he always sits in. The doors close. Fade out.