"Alright, next!" Called an alien.
The alien looked down at Calvin.
"Aren't you going to read me my rights?" Calvin asked.
"You have the right to get into that stupid arena so I can get on with my life." The alien asserted.
"Since I don't have the right to be silent," Calvin declared. "I shall spend the last few minutes of my life driving you insane."
Calvin threw his head back, and started making a high pitched gargling noise.
The alien blinked.
"Why didn't I take the job as a News Reporter?" He muttered to himself, as he lead Calvin and Hobbes outside.
"WELCOME ALL!" Screeched an alien wearing a white uniform. "WELCOME TO THE TRIALS OF DEATH! TODAY'S CONTESTANTS ARE..."
The alien took a glance at a piece of paper.
"CALVEEN AND HIPPS FROM PLANET EETHA!"
"Shall I scream a correction?" Calvin asked.
"No he always does that." The alien said. "We can't tell if it's some kind of joke or if he can't read."
"THE FIRST TRIAL SHALL BEGIN!" The alien announced.
He walked up to Calvin and Hobbes.
"THERE SHALL BE THREE TRIALS!" The alien screeched.
"Would you stop screaming?" Hobbes muttered, twisting a finger into his ears.
"I have to, that's the only way I get my salary." The alien whispered. "THE TRIAL FOR SUFFERING! THE TRIAL FOR PAIN! AND THE TRIAL THAT KILLS 'EM, THUS MAKING A GHASTLY MESS FOR THE JANITORS TO CLEAN UP!"
"CURSE THE THIRD TRIAL!" One of the janitors yelled in back of the audience.
"LET THE TRIALS BEGIN!" Yelled the alien.
He turned to Calvin and Hobbes.
"Alright." he said. "First is that trail of sufferment, in which we will make you suffer!"
"That doesn't sound good." Calvin uttered.
The alien laughed, horribly, and held up a bowl of... something.
Calvin stared at the contents of the bowl.
"This is the first trial?" He asked.
"Yup." The alien said, proudly.
The bowl was filled with Kit Kat bars.
"You have to eat the entire thing!" The alien declared.
Calvin gasped.
"No!" He yelled. "You can't make me eat these Kit Kats! The Terror! Ok fine! I'll eat 'em!"
Calvin grabbed the bowl away, greedily.
"Bully." He muttered to himself, as he grabbed the first bar.
He tore the wrapping off, and took a huge bite out of...
CRACK!
Calvin couldn't tell if that crack had been the Kit Kat or his teeth.
He stared at the so-called candy in his hands.
"How old is this candy?" he demanded.
"Its been sitting in the trunk of my spaceship for about, oh I'd say four or five decades." The alien said.
Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances.
Those next few minutes were torture.
Calvin and Hobbes both had to eat that stale chocolate.
When the bowl was done, Calvin thought being thrown into a lion's pit sounded pretty good.
"Well," Calvin burped. "It's done. Say," He looked up at the grinning face of the alien. "How long as your face been green? Oops! I'll be right back!"
Calvin rushed over to the side, and put that yucko candy back where it belonged: In the dirt.
Calvin returned to the alien, who had a stupid grin on his face.
"AND NOW!" He declared. "THE SECOND TRIAL! THE SO FORTH OF PAIN!"
The crowd cheered.
The alien gave Calvin and Hobbes a sinister grin, and ripped a white cloth off of...
Calvin and Hobbes stared at what was under the cloth.
"A treadmill?" Calvin asked.
"THE TREADMILL OF DEATH!" The alien screeched. "You have to walk on it for three miles!"
Calvin and Hobbes gasped.
As you can imagine, the next couple of hours was even more torture than before.
Calvin and Hobbes both had to walk on the treadmill at three miles per hour.
"Well, I guess this will make up for that cookie jar you stole last Monday." Hobbes sighed.
"SHUT UP!" Calvin screamed.
After that torture was over, Calvin's legs felt like a couple of long strings of rubber. Or Jello.
"Alright!" The alien broadcasted. "Now for the third trial!"
"CURSE THE THIRD TRIAL!" The janitor screamed.
"For this trial, the space monster will messily, rudely, disgustingly, gruesomely, horribly devour you!" The alien snarled.
At that, the janitor, broke down, sobbing.
"RELEASE THE MONSTER!" The alien ordered. "AND GET ME AN EGG SALAD SANDWICH! All this torturing is making me hungry!"
Two aliens held up a key, and nervously turned it into the steel door, to which much banging and screeching came from.
All three aliens quickly ran out of the field as the Monster exploded from the room.
"SCREEECH!" It shrieked.
It fixed its beady little eyes on Calvin.
"Hello Mr Monsetr." Calvin grinned. "Did I mention that I taste terrible? Awful! You don't want to eat me! I'll give you indigestion! I'll make Heart Burn! Terrible heart burn! And did I mention the indigestion? WHOO HOO! Not even alka-seltzer could break me up! I mean we're talking about..."
The monster had obviously gotten bored with Calvin's droning due to fact that he pounced for him, and came within an inch of getting him.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Calvin screamed darting from the way.
The monster screeched, and began galloping on four legs after the boy and tiger.
"What are we going to do?" Calvin called.
"I never thought I'd say this... but WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR POCKETS!"
Calvin turned out his pockets.
"All I have is my Mini Duplicator!"
"Terrific." Hobbes sighed.
The monster dove for Calvin again.
This time, he managed to rip his shirt.
"HEY!" Calvin screamed. "That was one of my good shirts!"
The monster screeched, and flung another handful of claws at the two.
Calvin ducked.
The claws flew over his head.
"HA!" Calvin screamed. "You missed me!"
At that very moment, three of Calvin's hair spikes fell off his head.
Calvin growled.
"ALRIGHT!" He screamed. "THAT'S IT! NOBODY MESSES WITH THE DO!"
The monster showed Calvin three inch long fangs.
"However, I'd be satisfied just to let you off with a warning." Calvin grinned, sheepishly.
Calvin turned around.
Hobbes had vanished.
Calvin didn't know how that moronic cat did that, or else he would have... well, tried it himself.
"HELP!" Calvin screamed. "MONSTER!"
Calvin spun around, hit full turbo, kicked up three shovel fulls of dirt, and went roaring for the...
Hmmmmm... that was pretty soft sand, and perhaps Calvin could...
Calvin fanatically started digging.
He dug for five seconds, and suddenly fell into... Huh. A smallish room.
Hobbes was sitting in a chair made out of sand.
Calvin gave him a disbelieving stare.
"Why didn't you tell me you had dug a hiding place in the dirt?" He said, in a dangerous calm.
"Well, the monster's attention was on you, and I felt it wouldn't do any good for both of us got eaten."
"I am so happy that I have such caring friend." Calvin snarled.
Just then, bits of sand started falling on Calvin's head.
Calvin and Hobbes looked up.
Opps.
There appeared to be four inch long talons digging into the sand.
"Woopsies." Calvin grinned, apprehensively.
"How are we going to beat this thing?" Hobbes asked.
"I have an idea." Calvin whispered. "But we have to be ready!"
The monster stuck its round head into the sand hole it had dug.
Calvin and Hobbes weren't there.
The monster roared, and ripped its head out of the sand hole.
Its eyes fixed on Calvin.
He was wearing a brown top hat, a comb, and a razor.
"Good grief!" Calvin screamed. "You are in desperate need of our services!"
The monster stared at Calvin.
"What you need is a good make over!" Calvin declared.
The monster gasped, and put a hand against its chest.
"Yes, a good make over should do the trick, um... bend over."
The monster bent over.
Calvin studied its wild jet black hair.
"Well, this simply won't do!" Calvin declared. "We're going to have to fix this! Now won't we?"
Calvin whipped out a comb, and hopelessly tried to get the knots out of the monster's hair.
Hobbes ran up, also dressed as a make up artist, and started combing.
The aliens in the audience exchanged glances.
At last, Calvin and Hobbes perfected the hair.
Calvin kissed his index and fore finger.
"Taa daa!" he said, he held up a mirror.
The monster looked into his reflection.
Calvin and Hobbes had combed it out straight, and it actually looked good.
"Now, we must find some other form of clothing!" Hobbes said, picking up a part of the monster's ripped cloak. "Oh, Calvin? Get out the suit!"
Calvin and Hobbes spent the next few minutes dressing up the monster.
Then Calvin and Hobbes took a look at the monster's deadly claws.
"Calvin, hand me the monster clippers!" Hobbes said.
Calvin handed Hobbes a gigantic pair of toe-nail clippers.
Hobbes started clipping the yellow claws off, while Calvin worked on the feet.
Then, they filed it down.
"Perfect!" Calvin grinned.
Then, Calvin fitted some socks on the monster and then some brown sneakers.
Hobbes shaved the monster's sideburns, and puffed makeup on its face.
After a while, the monster looked like an I-don't-know-what.
Like some kind of giant business man with beady eyes, and really sharp teeth.
"Ready for action!" Calvin grinned.
The monster grinned.
Calvin looked at his watch.
"OH MY GOSH!" He screeched. "MR MONSTER! HURRY! YOUR GOING TO BE LATE FOR WORK!"
The monster gasped in horror and rushed off.
"GO GET 'EM TIGER!" Hobbes screeched.
The monster exploded out of the arena and began to try and start somebody's spaceship.
"NO!" The alien announced yelled. "THE MONSTER IS GONE!"
The alien spun around.
"AND CALVEEN AND HIPPS ARE GONE TOO!"
"YES!" The janitor screeched, jumping up, and throwing his tentacles into the air. "I mean... Oh no!"
Calvin and Hobbes laughed, then rushed off.
Little did they know what waited for them at the outside of the building.