Holee crap. Who'da thunk it but they actually have a place for Civilization Fanfics… Weeeird…. I'm sorry but that's just weird. Anyway, I came across this by accident and once I did it was like "Mother of the Virgin Budda Dustin! You have GOT to write one!" So I did. Here it is and here it shall stay. Hopefully.

I do not own Civilization or any of the world Leaders. Sid Meier owns civilization and I'm pretty sure you can't own the rights to an actual person so Abe and Hammurabi own themselves I guess.

The president of the United States sat in the oval office awaiting word from his spies. "Sir!" a man dressed in a stereotypical spy suit entered the office. "I have just learned that the British, French, and Indians have all declared war on us. If I may, what should we do now do you think?"

Lincoln sat in silence for a time and then spoke in his soft but powerful voice. "In times of war we cannot rely on such a flimsy government as democracy."

"Sir?"

"You heard me, democracy is far to weak for a war, especially a full blown one such as this. I'm changing the government to Dictatorship beginning immediately."

"I'm not certain that the people will like that Mr. President."

"I don't give a damn if they don't like it. Place troops in every town and have them execute anyone who questions me. The riots will calm soon enough when they learn their place."

"Yes Mr. President."

Meanwhile, far off in the Powerful Kingdom of India…

"Well well well." So Old Abe has decided to give himself more power in order combat us eh? We'll just see about that won't we?" sneered King Gandhi from his solid gold throne.

"As my King says," bowed a servant.

"Yes, as I say… Now away with you! I have pondering on the meaning of life to do!"

Now let's take a peek at how England is reacting to the news…

"WHAT AN ASSHOLE!" the queen screeched. "That… that… MAN just thinks that he can change his government on a whim just because "I" declare war on him? Well you know what? FUCK him! I'm gonna change my government too now! I'm going to change it too uh… to uh… Visor! Give me an idea of what to change my government too!"

"Hm…" a spindly man in a dark outfit came out of the shadows behind the throne. "Perhaps my lady would like to change it to a theocracy?"

"Th…or…crachy?"

"Theocracy mi'lady," the man stepped up the throne and bowed before he continued. "Essentially a theocracy is a government based solely on religion. It's an excellent one for controlling the population."

"Well…" Queen Elizabeth pondered this for a moment before answering. "Nah, I never really was one for religion."

"As my Queen wishes. Well you could do the same government as America is now and be a Dictatorshi-"

"NEVER! I will NOT change my government to the same one as that pompous ass! Next!"

The visor, who ironically looks very similar to the spy from America and the servant from India, thought for a moment. "AH! Perhaps mi'lady would like to switch to Communism?"

"Communism?"

"Yes communism! It's a rather new form of government spawned out of that wretched democracy. Yet it has potential. It's similar to democracy in that it's an attempt at making everyone equal yet it actually DOES something to make everyone equal."

"I'm intrigued Visor… I'd ask you to tell me more except I'm bored and late for my show so I'll just take your word for it and have the government changed to Communism."

"Yes my queen." The visor backed out of the room.

Hm… that was… interesting. Let's go see what's happening in France…

…

Oh dear...it seems the French all died out in a spontaneous attack from the Americans. Or maybe not so spontaneous?

Lincoln looked up from his newly decorated oval office when his head spy entered. "How went the spontaneous attack against the French?"

"Excellent your greatness. The French put up very little resistance as we burned their lands and raped their women. Much as expected."

"Very good. That completely spontaneous attack was quite fun I must admit. I think I'd like to do another wouldn't you?"

"Mm... quite so your greatness. It was fun. However I wouldn't recommend another one so soon. The English, while pussies, will still put up more of a fight than the French and the Indians are just plain fucking insane."

"But what about all the other civilizations?"

"Um… don't you remember sir. We killed most of them and India killed the rest. That's why we own over four sixths of the world."

"Ah yes… I keep forgetting that detail. Well. You can go then I suppose."

"As you wish your greatness," the head spy backed away from Abraham Lincoln's newly furnished oval office. While yes, it is still called the oval office it looks considerably more like a throne room now. What with the blood red carpet, the medieval era stone walls and the elevated throne made of human skulls upon which his greatness the President of the United States of America Abraham Lincoln sat.

TO THE INDIANS!

"Well doesn't that just beat all?" Gandhi expressed as he heard the news of the French. "I don't really care that their all dead, I never liked 'em anyway, but I DON'T like how those damn Americans have even more land now! This just should not happen, is that not right servant?"

"Of course,"

Gandhi looked over at the servant and glared. Then he took out a six shooter and put one right between the little bastard's eyes. "You forgot 'My King'."

That Gandhi's one mean sonnova bitch ne? Here's to him getting capped soon!

"Woah vischor! Wash ish dish new shtuf?" Queen Elizabeth looked up from her bubble bath, drink in hand, at her visor.

"That is called alcohol mi'lady."

"I shknow that ya jackash! I meant wash brand ish it?"

"Ah, I believe that it is 'Samuel Adams' I think?"

"You shure? It sheems kinda shtrong fer an Ermerican brew."

"Well, it's not JUST the alcohol of course. I also laced it with a highly effective poison that should be taking affect about now."

"Oh thash nice," replied the Queen and went to sleep.

Back in America…

"Ready the troops head spy! I have just learned that Queen Elizabeth was assassinated and that an usurper has stolen her throne!"

"Not that I'm not interested your greatness but what does the English Queen dying have to do with us mobilizing our troops?"

"Everything head spy! I have to avenge my fallen lover!"

"The Queen was your lover!"

"Of course," Lincoln responded calmly.

"Since when? That just…. That… doesn't make sense…"

"Well good. It shouldn't."

"Your greatness?"

"MOBILIZE THE TROOPS!"

"Yes your greatness."

And so in one fell swoop only two different civilizations remained on the planet. The War Hungry Americans and the Ever peace loving Indians… Yeah, peace loving.

"THAT AMERICAN WHORE! I'll kill him! Him and every living person in his country! We march to battle, leave no survivors!" Screamed an extremely pissed Gandhi.

"As you command my king…" the new servant that looked exactly like the last one bowed out.

And so the two mighty armies met upon the ruins of Istanbul… I'm not sure why Istanbul, maybe just because I like writing that name. Istanbul. Heh heh… That's fun.

Anyway, the two armies clashed and a great battle ensued that could be heard from around the world. And at the head of each of their armies were none other than King Gandhi and His Greatness the President of the United States of America Abraham Lincoln. The mighty titans called their grand armies to gather around them as the two began in a one on one battle that would decide the fate of the world.

Lincoln drew his mighty broadsword and Gandhi his dual sabers and the pair charged each other. "FOR INDIA!" cried Gandhi in his ancient family's battle cry.

"Mallat suxor FINTA!" bellowed Lincoln in his own family's battle cry. However, ironically enough, the two never met as an extremely bored technician working in New New New York's fashion district stumbled across a large red button hidden beneath the floorboards of Macy's. Obviously, as any person would do, he pushed it. This button wasn't actually supposed to do anything but unfortunately it was connected by pure coincidence to the Capitol building's "Big red flashy Nuke" button. Fifty three super atomic missiles were launched at all of the worlds major cities. Most of them were already destroyed but Istanbul, the location of the battle to decide the fate of the world, was also one of them so both of the remaining world leaders and world's armies perished in a single moment of brilliant, nuclear glory.

I would love to continue this story and tell how the world did after this grievous destruction except that I too perished in the apocalyptic attack. I was in Scranton. FUCKING Scranton Pennsylvania! Why in the hell would a missile launch programmed to destroy all of the world's major cities destroy SCRANTON PENNSYLVANIA! FOR FUCK'S SAKE! Oh never mind… I'm gonna go sleep.

There you have it. That was my Civilization story. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it.

And now that I think about it… I don't own Macy's either so don't sue me for that.