"This probably wasn't the smartest thing we ever did, Calvin." Hobbes said.
"Oh, shut, up." Calvin said. "All we have to do is beat Rupert, and then we will all live happily ever after."
Hobbes sighed, and shook his head.
Calvin landed the spaceship in the Calvinball field. All the trees had been cut down, and the creek was gone.
Hobbes was devastated.
"This is not helping my love for those two." He growled.
Calvin and Hobbes rushed off the spaceship, and into town.
"Wait a minute." Hobbes said. "What if Rupert sends a squad out for us?"
"Relax, Hobbes." Calvin said. "As far as Rupert knows, we're looking at that monster's belly button from the inside."
"Your disgusting." Hobbes said.
"Before we do anything, we have to search for survivors."
"Calvin, Rupert has probably gone through Earth, personally, taking over the minds as he goes."
"Wait!" Calvin exclaimed. "I'm getting something. Now who do we know who would be sneaky, tricky, and annoying enough to escape Rupert's grasp?"
Calvin and Hobbes thought for a moment. Then they both grinned, slyly.
A green market store lay in ruins on the other side of town.
"Are you sure this is where he hangs out?" Calvin asked.
"Positive." Hobbes said.
Calvin and Hobbes raced into the ruins and started lifting wood and stuff of the ground.
Calvin lifted up an especially heavy bit of wood, and suddenly claws shot out of the wreckage, and nailed Calvin in the nose.
"YIKES!" Calvin yelled.
He stumbled backward, and collapsed into Hobbes' armms.
"Hobbes!" He gasped. "I've been bitten by a rattlesnake! I can feel the poison coursing through my veins! Take care of the world for me!"
And with that, he closed his eyes, and slowly drifted off to...
"Mmmmm sorry, Calvin. I thought you were a giant mouse."
Calvin's eyes popped open. He recognized that voice.
He leaped out of Hobbes' arms, and came face to face with...
SOCRATES.
Socrates was a cat that was a mere clone of Hobbes, except for one thing; he had red stripes on his tail. Socrates was a prankster. He never missed a chance to laugh and scoff at the misfortunes of others. Most of which he had caused on his own. Calvin had never met the kid Socrates lived with, but he didn't really want to, considering Socrates' attitude on the world. He and Hobbes were good buddies too, which caused Calvin much grief, since he was usually the butt of Socrates' jokes.
Calvin glared at him, and Socrates grinned back.
"What are you doing here!"
"Sleeping." Socrates replied. "And oh! Your poor little nose is bleeding!"
"Oh yeah!" Calvin spat. "Well, you're just ugly!
Hobbes turned his attention to Socrates.
"So, how long have you been buried under this?" He asked.
"I dunno. fifteen minutes."
"You mean, Rupert just destroyed this building?" Calvin asked
"Nah." Socrates said. "It's been like this for days. I just crawled under to chase a mouse I saw."
"How did you escape Rupert's grasp?" Hobbes asked.
"Because I didn't particularly enjoy the idea of being under mind control."
With Socrates, that answer was more than enough information.
Calvin and Hobbes blinked.
"Okay." Calvin said.
"Now if you don't mind, I'd like to go back to my work."
If Calvin wouldn't have stopped him, Socrates would've dove back under the wreckage.
"Stop!" Calvin spat. "You're not going back under there."
"I'm not?"
"YOU'RE NOT!" Calvin screamed.
"It was cramped in there, anyway." Said Socrates.
Just then, one of the aliens' voice rang out.
"YAAAH!" Calvin screaming spinning around.
Nobody was behind him, and yet, Calvin, Hobbes, and Socrates still heard the aliens' voice.
They exchanged glances, and raced over to the only building left standing. The Theater.
They peeked inside.
It was a full house. People with glowing red eyes stared expressionlessly at Earl's crew, who, at the moment, were putting on a play on the stage.
One of the aliens bent down on his knees next to a tower and said, "whatever her name was, whatever her name was! Let down your hair!"
At that very moment, another alien let down thirteen long strings of yellow rope.
The alien at the bottom of the tower started up it.
Calvin, Hobbes, and Socrates exchanged glances.
Up in the tower, the alien was going, "OW! EEEK! YEEEEK! OUCH!" as the other alien climbed up the rope.
Suddenly, the rope snapped, and the alien went plunging to the ground.
WUMP!
"Whatever you name is, Whatever your name is!" Said the alien, nervously, trying to keep the play going. "Why didn't you tell me you had gotten a hair cut?"
It was the worst play Calvin had ever seen in his life. Of corse, the actors weren't even from Earth. Plus, it was a pretty ridiculous play to begin with.
Socrates, Calvin and Hobbes pulled their heads out of the building.
"That was weird." Calvin said. "Ok. I think I know how to save everybody, but we need to get to my house before..."
Calvin couldn't finish, because all at once, another voice echoed out of the theater. It was Earl.
"Thank you for that tasteless, and unbelievably stupid play, Lenny." Said Earl.
Lenny the alien bowed, then slithered off the stage.
"Man, I'm glad that's over." Earl muttered, tapping on the microphone. "Now then, numb minded Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for the king of the universe: RUPERT CHILL!"
The audience clapped, and (predicably) started chanting "ALL HAIL RUPERT! ALL HAIL RUPERT!"
Earl stepped of the stage, and Rupert stepped on in his alien form wearing bright red robes, and a glowing yellow crown.
"Thank you Earl." Said Rupert. stepping up to the microphone.
Rupert picked up the microphone and studied it.
"What the heck is this thing?" he asked.
"It's a microphone." Earl whispered. "You know, we used to use them back in fifteen seventy-something-or-other."
"When do we get to update this stupid planet?" Rupert demanded.
"The cargo ship should be here in five minutes, Rupert." Earl said.
"Tell them to hold the slave robots." Rupert said, turning back to the microphone. "I hate those things."
"We had better hurry." Socrates said.
"Alright." Calvin said. "Lets go."
The three raced across the abandoned town.
Finally they came to Calvin's house.
Calvin turned the house upside down looking for it but...
"Oh no!" Calvin exclaimed. "They took all my inventions!"
"Even the Time Pauser?" Hobbes asked.
"Even the Time Pauser!" Calvin exclaimed. "Which means there could be..."
At that very moment, two aliens popped out of nowhere, and grabbed Calvin, Hobbes, and Socrates. They were holding Calvin's Time Pauser.
"HEY!" Calvin exclaimed. "That's mine!"
The aliens led them away without a word.
"Calvin, how lovely to see you once again." Rupert said, emotionlessly as the aliens led him, Hobbes and Socrates into the theater. "I'm sure your impressed on how I took over the Earth?"
Calvin looked around.
"Well, other than the creepy glowing eyes, limited vocabulary to three words, and the lack of decorations, yeah, you did OK."
"What's wrong with glowing eyes?" Earl asked, defensively.
Calvin, Hobbes, and Socrates stared at him.
"Do you want me to answer that?" Calvin asked.
Earl rolled his eyes. Or Calvin thought he rolled his eyes. It's hard to tell with these compound eyes.
"Never mind." he said.
"Well." Rupert said. "I don't know how you escaped, but I don't exactly care."
"Ya can't defeat me, Rupy!" Calvin spat.
"I won't even try." Rupert said.
"You won't?" Calvin asked, surprised.
"Oh no. I will say only two words on the subject. Can you guess what they are?"
Calvin rolled his eyes around. "Well, lets see. Happy Birthday?"
"No."
"Merry Christmas?"
"Wrong again. You'll never guess it."
"Yes I will."
"That's three words."
"Yeah, I know but that wasn't a guess."
"Oh."
"Thank you?" Calvin asked.
"Your welcome." Rupert replied.
"No, that's my guess: Thank you."
"Yes of corse. No, that's wrong too."
"I'm sorry?"
"That's OK, I didn't expect you to get it." Rupert said.
"No, that's my guess. I'm Sorry."
"Are you trying to be funny?" Rupert demanded.
"Not really." Calvin said.
"Good. cause this isn't a time to be funny. Now what was your last guess?"
"I'm sorry."
"I told you not to worry about it!" Rupert spat.
"Yeah, but 'I'm Sorry' was my guess."
"Yes, of corse. I'm sorry but that's wrong too. And I'm afraid we're out of time. I will now tell you the two magic words used by generals, bosses, and aliens all over the universe."
Calvin was leaping up and down.
"Oh goody! I can't wait to hear what they are!"
"The first word is SHUT. The second word is UP."
"Shut up?"
"That's correct." Rupert said. "Keep those words close to your eyes and heart, Calvin. repeat them until you've memorized them. And the next time I take over a planet, you can pull them out of the garbage heap of your mind. And in the meantime, shut up."
"Oh. OK. I think I got it." Calvin muttered.
"And now, I will continue my speech to my minions." Rupert said.
He leaned over and said two words into the microphone.
"Kill him."
At that very moment all of the glowing eyed people arose from their chairs, and turned to Calvin with murderous glares.
"May we have permission to run for our lives?" Calvin asked.
"Sure." Rupert yawned.
Calvin, Hobbes, and Socrates screamed, and exploded out of the theater.
"Don't let them escape." Rupert smacked.
Do you know what the townspeople did then?
They walked after Calvin, of corse!
Why did Rupert program them to do that, I have no idea.
Calvin and Hobbes rushed into the abandoned city.
Suddenly Rupert Chill's face suddenly appeared over all the TVs in the hardware store, and all the flat surfaces in the city.
"You might as well surrender." Rupert said "You can not possibly win."
Suddenly one of the aliens pushed past Rupert and yelled, "Are we on TV? HI MOM!"
Calvin, Hobbes, and Socrates continued zooming down the town and into the park.
Socrates zoomed into a five story building, Hobbes ran further into the park, and Calvin ran straight through the creek, and into the forest.
Socrates zoomed over to the elevator, and hit the button.
There he stood for a second and waited.
He looked behind him.
The zombies were coming. Slowly. reeeeeeeeeaaaaaaly slowly.
Finally the elevator came, and Socrates hopped on.
The zombies then came over, and pushed the button. And there they waited
The elevator carried Socrates up to the top floor.
When he got there, he zoomed up towards the roof.
He burst onto the roof, and slammed the door.
Then he propped a piece of wood against the doorknob.
He chuckled to himself, and laid down on the concrete for a nap.
Hobbes raced through the park.
He was panting.
Then he came to the fountain.
He leaped inside, and pushed himself against the statue in the middle.
The zombies moaned about Rupert, and marched over to him. At a speed of one mile per decade.
One of the zombies looked over at Hobbes.
They all halted at the water fountain, and didn't go for him.
Hobbes' eyes darted from one Rupert obsessed zombie to the other.
They all just stood there, gawking at him.
Hobbes tapped his chin in thought.
He raised a foot, and kicked the water, splashing one of the zombies. Tracer Bullet.
With a cough and a sputter, Tracer's eyes returned to normal!
He rubbed his eyes smacked his tongue against the roof of his mouth.
"I'm going to have to get a physical checkup after this." He muttered.
"Tracer?" Hobbes asked.
"mmm, yes? Tracer replied.
"Spray someone with water and see what happens." Hobbes said.
Tracer grinned, evilly, and held up a squirt gun.
"Let's have ourselves a little revolution, shall we?" He snarled.
Calvin zoomed through the forest.
The zombies were right behind him.
Calvin zoomed through the forest, but then, he tripped, and fell to the ground.
He started panting as the chants of "All hail Rupert" grew louder.
But just then, something happened.
Something very good.
Something that made Calvin brag about to this day.
You'll never guess what happened!
Rupert sat on a throne in the theater.
He was eating grapes, and reading Michael Crichton's Jurassic Park.
Just then, Earl stepped into the room.
"Rupert!" He exclaimed. "Hobbes has freed part of your army!"
"And your telling me this because...?" Rupert said, rolling his hand around.
Earl blinked. "Well, uh. That's bad, isn't? They know how to set them free?"
"Earl, we have an entire planet under our control, and your bothering about five freed people?"
"Yeah, only it isn't five people." Earl said. "It's five hundred people. And their heading this way."
"It's still nothing to worry about." Rupert said. "The Earth's population is five point eight billion."
"That's true." Earl considered. "I hadn't thought of that."
"Think about it." Rupert said.
"Think about this while your at it!" said a voice.
Rupert and Earl's heads spun around, and they stared at Stupendous Man, Spaceman Spiff and Tracer Bullet.
"Heads up!" Spiff yelled, pulling the trigger on his net gun.
With two or three blasts, Spiff had Earl's entire crew trapped in nets.
Rupert and Earl gave the three heros blank stares.
"You've got to be kidding me." Rupert said.
Socrates and Hobbes leaped in front of the three Calvins.
"Oh boy." Rupert sighed. "Right where I thought this couldn't get any easier."
Rupert held up a ray gun, and prepared to blast the five over when all of a sudden, the roof to the theater was ripped off.
Rupert, Hobbes, Socrates, Stupendous Man, Spiff, Tracer and Earl looked upward.
The UFO threw the roof away with a giant claw.
"What are you morons doing?" Rupert screamed.
It was then that Calvin leaned over the windshield and waved.
"Oh." Earl said. "He captured the cargo hold."
Calvin leaped back at the controls, and hit the laser button.
ZZZZAP!
"YEEEAAYAAAAA!"
"YEEEEK!"
Rupert and Earl were blasted off their feet.
"Calvin!" Hobbes called. "It's water! Water frees Rupert's minions!"
To which Calvin replied over the microphone.
"And if we would've known that trick in the first place, this movie would've been shorter."
Calvin raced to the controls.
"Time for a little weather report." He grinned, pushing the "rain cloud" button.
Large hoses suddenly expanded from the ship, and black clouds poured from it.
Rupert and Earl exchanged glances.
Calvin tapped his chin.
"Hmm. this will take forever to consume the world." He thought. "I wonder what would happen if I pushed the power lever up to full blast?"
Calvin silently pushed the lever forward, and all at once, we had rain all over America, Asia, Africa and the whole entire world!
Then Calvin said over the microphone.
"Today's weather is brought to you by Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs! The bombs meant for your mouth! And we have..."
Calvin hit a button.
"...A three hundred percent chance of rain."
And then, rain came pouring down by the gallons, hitting every spot on the planet.
Rupert leaped from his throne as the rain came pouring.
"No! NO! NO!"
"Gee that was easy." Calvin said. "Now let's see what we can do with all that rain!"
Calvin leaped from the spaceship, and landed next to Hobbes.
"What about the steel plate Rupert put around the Earth?" Hobbes asked.
"You know," Calvin said. "steel is a heavenly meal for those Shadowfax things. I mean, they had that thing gone in fifteen seconds!"
"WHAT!" Rupert roared. "NO!"
People all over the world were suddenly coming back to life, and were no longer spreading that dumby talk about Rupert.
It rained for three hours.
Calvin and the gang watched Rupert banging his head against the floor, and screaming.
When all of a sudden Rupert's head shot up.
"THAT'S IT!" He screeched. "I'm sick of you messing things up!"
Rupert pulled his Ray gun out and prepared to shoot Calvin.
"FOR THE LAST TIME: GOODBYE CALVIN!"
The end of Rupert's gun began to glow red.
Calvin gasped.
Suddenly, Socrates dropped something in Calvin's hands.
Calvin looked down at it.
"My MTM?" He asked.
"Oops!" Socrates sighed. "Slipped out of my hands."
Calvin grinned, and hit a button on the MTM.
The hypercube inside it was activated.
All at once, Rupert and Earl were being sucked into the MTM.
"Goobye, Rupert." Calvin grinned.
Rupert's eyes bulged.
"NOOOOOOOOO!"
He screamed.
Earl went screaming in first, then, Rupert came tumbling in.
His parting words to Calvin were, "I'LL BE BACK, CHILD!" His head was sucked in with the rest of his body. "COUNT ON IT!"
Calvin smiled.
"Alright." Calvin grinned. "Who wants to be sucked in here with their boss?"
From inside the net, several aliens raised their tentacles going "OOOO! OOO! I DO!"
Calvin then began sucking all the aliens inside, while they were going, "WHEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Once Calvin did that, Spiff tapped Calvin on the shoulder.
"Yes?" Calvin asked, turning around.
"This place is weird." Spiff said. "Even more so than your mind."
"Live and learn." Calvin said.
"And I think we want to go back." Tracer said.
"You wanna what?" Calvin asked.
"Yes." Stupendous Man said. "I think that would be best."
"But don't you wanna stay here, and meet my parents?"
"No."
"Good point, neither do I." Calvin considered. "well, OK. well. Goodbye."
"Bye." Spiff said. "Oh and if you ever need us again..."
"We'll call a monster." Hobbes said.
Spiff glared at Hobbes.
Then smoke began to consume the three.
When the smoke cleared, Spiff, Stupendous Man, and Tracer were gone.
Suddenly, Mom, Dad, and the rest of the townsfolk ran up.
"What happened!" Dad demanded. "where's Rupert?"
Calvin grinned at Hobbes.
"He's gone. For good. I hope."
"He's gone?" Mom asked.
"Yes." Calvin said. "I once again defeated Rupert for the fourth time in a row, no thanks to you dumbbells."
Mom and Dad exchanged glances.
"But if you were telling the truth about Rupert... Then what else did you tell the truth about?" Susie asked.
"Well..." Calvin grinned, rolling his eyes around. "There were some extreme truths over there in North Dakota."
Susie's eyes squeezed shut.
"No, I don't think we'll believe that one." Mom said.
"Alright how about the truth about the Noodle Incident?"
"The Noodle what?" Mom asked.
Calvin's eyes bulged.
"WHOA!" he said. "Did I say noodle? Oh ha ha! How silly of me! I didn't say noodles! I said uh... poodle. The Poodle Incident"
"Uh-huh." Dad said.
"No kidding I really did." Calvin grinned.
"Right." Dad said.
Changing the subject, Calvin said, "There's one last thing I have to do."
Calvin held up the MTM.
Mom and Dad exchanged glances.
"A CD player?" They asked in unison.
Calvin raced over to the back of the house, and set the MTM on the ground.
He hit the release button.
All at once, Rupert, Earl, and Earl's crew exploded out of Calvin's MTM, and zoomed into the sky.
"AND STAY AWAY FROM MY PLANET YOU VERMIN!" Calvin screamed as the aliens scrambled aboard their spaceship, and flew away as fast as possible.
Calvin turned and saw Hobbes and Socrates standing next to him.
"Where did you get that spaceship?" Hobbes asked.
"Earl said he sent a cargo hold with all the latest technology from Zok." Calvin said. "I highjacked the ship, and took all the inventions."
He paused.
"Well, all the inventions except for the VVV player. I left that onboard."
"You took all of the alien's technology!" Socrates said, excitedly. "What are you going to do with it all!"
"Oh..." Calvin said, grinning. "I'll find something to do with."
"Oh-no." Hobbes moaned.
THE END
EPILOGUE
The townspeople eventually got enough money to rebuild the city.
Socrates was reunited with whoever he lives with, then celebrated by pranking Calvin into a tree.
Calvin got all his inventions back (much to the grief of Hobbes) and things started to go back to normal. Almost normal.
Calvin was treated like a hero for fifteen whole minutes, then everybody went back to their lives.
Calvin's not even sure if they remember what happened.
And Rupert? He went back to Zok with Earl and his moronic crew.
Will Rupert return? Hmmm... That's an interesting question. The answer is even more interesting...