Dobby: 'Smudge'.
Winky: One-shot, hopefully humorous.
Dobby: Please read and review!
Winky: Bribe them to review, Dobby!
Dobby: …Okay! Responses to those who review!
Winky: What kind of bribe is that?
Dobby: What's wrong with Author's responses to a review?
Winky: We always respond, you idiot!
Dobby: Right…forgot that little detail.
Disclaimer: HP of course belongs to J.K. Rowling unless you're talking about Hewlett Packard. The line 'clever as you were, you left one damning piece of evidence at the scene of the crime' comes from the movie, 'Spongebob Squarepants: the Movie'.
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There is a smudge.
A smudge.
A SMUDGE!
I am so killing James Potter.
He put a SMUDGE on my Charms essay.
He is so getting it.
A smudge.
I just cannot cope.
A smudge.
I am killing that boy.
KILLING HIM!
My perfect charms essay.
Ruined with a smudge.
-----
Lily Evans is mad.
More than mad, if you know what I mean.
But you know, I wasn't the one that did the 'Smudge'…
Because I am Remus.
Remus Lupin.
And Lily is one of my best friends.
And she is mad.
Very mad.
Very very mad.
Very very very mad.
She is just about to kill James.
And I cannot let that happen because James is my best friend too, and if I have one best friend dead and the other in Azkaban, I only have Sirius and Peter.
Which is not good.
It's kind of scary actually.
-----
Sirius Black is funny.
Very funny.
Even more funny than – sigh – cheese.
I like cheese.
I think Lily Evans is mad about something.
But I don't know.
I like cheese.
My name is Peter by the way.
Have I told you that I like cheese?
Um – I think Lily is mad about a spot on her essay for something.
I don't know.
I just rely on Remus, my pal, to help me with my essays.
Sirius Black is funny.
Have I said that?
I like cheese.
-----
I am shivering in my boots.
But Marauders never shiver, so I am –
I am not hiding.
No, of course not.
No way in hel- heaven am I hiding.
I'm just crouched behind a couch.
Hey that -----rhymed-----!
Yes, I am crouched behind a couch.
And I am…
Well, not hiding because Marauders never hide.
I am…having 'Me' time.
I think.
Yeah.
That sounds goooood!
ME time.
Yeah.
Not hiding.
Ahem.
-----
Where IS he?
I AM GOING TO KILL HIM.
I look wildly around the common room, clutching my wrecked charms essay and a note.
I see a fourth year called Ronda Vane, a Remus Lupin, a crackling fire, a laughing Sirius Black, a cheese-eating Peter (I won't even ask) a tapestry of the Marauders the fanclub hung up with a permanent sticking charm earlier this year, a pencilcase, a book, a mop of black hair sticking out from behind a couch, a –
HEY! A mop of BLACK hair.
Which could only belong to ONE person.
A certain James-imadeabigsmudgeonlily'scharmsessay-Potter.
I march over to the chair.
I yank up a head.
A large squeal is emitted that sounds un-James-like.
I look down.
Oops.
-----
Why is Lily holding up a small first year girl by her hair?
She has never been that mad before on our prefect rounds…
Oh.
I see.
She thought it was James.
-----snort-----
I shouldn't be laughing, but hey… I am a Marauder, even though one who is mostly smarter than others…
Ahem.
-----
"I am so sorry!" I tell the girl.
She looks like she is in pain so I perform a healing charm on her.
"Are you Lily Evans?" She asks.
"Yes. I am sooo sorry!" I tell her again. Uh-oh. Why does she want my name? Is she going to report me or something?
"Oh. My. Gosh! I can't believe a sixth year talked to me! Omigosh!" and with that she ran off to her friends.
I shake my head.
Then realise that I still have not yet found James Potter.
Darn.
-----
I sigh -----sigh----- hiding from my couch.
My back is stiff, my legs are sore, I am aching – maybe I better get out of this hiding spot.
Nah.
Too scared of the wrath of Lily Evans.
Ahem.
Not scared… exactly…
Just terrified that she will carry out the threat of castrating me that she has been yelling in corridors all these years.
-----
I am laughing my head off. No, seriously.
Ha ha ha. Sirius, serious, get it? Ah, I crack me up.
Prongs is so dead. Can't wait for it. This is gonna be one hell of a show.
I don't get why Prongs just doesn't move on. Sometimes, he gets all mushy about Evans and I swear, it's disgusting.
He makes up all these sickeningly poetical names for her. I mean, he calls her 'Evans from the heavens' sometimes, but right now, she's more like 'Evans from hell'.
Feisty.
-----
Something just occurred to me.
When I was up in my dorm, I could've gotten the Cloak and run. Then I wouldn't have this problem.
Ow, my back. I swear, I am going to need a walking frame when I'm thirty if I have to keep crouching here.
Oh, wait. Scratch that. I won't live till thirty if Evans finds me.
Speaking of Evans, she's talking to a first year. A first year with short, messy black hair.
She's not looking this way. Is there time to make a run for it?
Probably not.
What the hell. Here goes. Goodbye, cruel world.
Oh yeah, and if I die, don't give my broomstick to Sirius since he was the one who got me in this mess in the first place.
-----
Oh, bad move. No wonder James sucks at chess.
He darted out and tried to run in the direction of the boys' dorms, presumably to get his Invisibility Cloak, but did not see the corner of the rug sticking out in front of him.
Three guesses what happened.
-----
Just after the first year ran off, I heard a thud and a groan from behind me.
A very familiar groan.
The same groan I hear when I slap a certain boy by the name of James Idiot Potter.
I start to turn around. No, wait.
Must make sure evil, intimidating look is in place and that charms essay is in hand for proof of his crime.
Charms essay, check.
Evil intimidating look, check.
Watch out, Potter.
-----
Shit.
Ow.
Now my face hurts in addition to everything else.
Stupid corner of rug. Why did you have to get in my way?
I groan. This couldn't get worse.
It got worse.
Lily turned around and she had the scariest look on her face.
Uh-oh. I've seen that look before.
I try to grin and wave weakly.
It didn't work. She is still coming.
Dammit.
-----
Oh yeah.
Plan Put-a-Smudge-on-Lily's-charms-essay-and-make-it-look-like-James-did-it-so-that-Lily-will-go-looking-for-him-instead-of-avoiding-him-and-will-fall-head-over-heels-in-love-with-him-if-she-doesn't-kill-him-first is in action.
That's Plan PASOLCEAMILLJDISTLWGLFHIOAHAWFHOHILWHISDKHF.
I really have to think of a better name for that.
-----
Running. Pant.
Running. Pant.
Running. Pant.
Have I lost her?
Darn, I still hear footsteps.
She's not far behind.
Running. Pant.
Running. Pant.
Running. Pant.
Uh-oh.
Right or left?
Which one, which one…
AHHH! She's nearly here.
I'll take right.
No, left.
Make that right.
Ah, whatever, left then.
Running. Left. Pant.
Running. Pant.
Running- oh shit.
-----
Damn that Potter and his Quidditch training. He can run bloody fast.
But I can catch up. Why?
I saw some black robes whip left at the intersection we're at.
Want to know where the left turn leads?
It leads to a-
-----
-bloody girls' toilet!
I can't go in there!
That's literal no-man's land!
Sirius will rag me about it forever if I go in.
For the first time, I wish my Animagus form was a rat.
Consider yourself complimented, Peter.
-----
"AHA! I HAVE YOU NOW P- what the-?"
I rub my eyes.
Nope, still there. Not hallucinating.
Standing before me is the most adorable stag.
I don't know how it got here.
It's adorable! Omigosh, it's so cute!
Geez, I haven't been like that since my dog died.
I go up to the stag tentatively.
It blinks.
I slowly raise the hand not clutching my charms essay.
It doesn't move.
I pat it, forgetting about a certain boy with messy black hair.
For the moment.
-----
I'm in heaven.
I have seriously (no pun intended) died and gone to heaven.
Did Lily Evans kill me? No, not yet.
The reason I'm in heaven is because Lily Evans is stroking my hair – er, fur.
She doesn't know it's me.
But still.
-----
It's sooooooo CUTE- hey!
It ran off.
Well, sor-ry.
Just then, I remember.
Potter.
Smudge.
Essay.
Kill.
He must be in the girls' bathroom.
I hope he comes out gay.
Then at least he'll stop bothering me.
-----
Galloping. Clatter.
Galloping. Clatter.
Galloping. Clatter.
Gall- "AAARRGHHH!"
-----
The girls' bathroom is empty.
Darn it.
I was looking forward to teasing Potter about the gay thing.
I can't believe I let him slip past me!
I can't-
Wait. What was that?
A yell.
A very familiar yell.
From the direction the stag ran off to.
"JAMES POTTER!"
-----
For the second time today, I land flat on my face.
Stupid jutting flagstone.
So of course I change back into myself.
And being the stupid idiot I am, I yell.
Lily is going to come after me any second now.
Wait for it.
One.
Two.
Three.
"JAMES POTTER!"
-----
I run wildly, following where the yell came from.
I've got him this time.
"Nobody puts a smudge on my charms essay and survives!"
Running. Fast. Must. Catch. Potter. Before. He. Escapes.
I see a mass of black robes on the floor.
Running. Faster. Nearly. Got. Him.
I may have seen the mass of black robes but I sure didn't see the shoe.
Yes, the shoe.
The shoe that tripped me up and made me land…
Guess where?
Right on top of Potter.
-----
"Beg!"
He begs.
"You get cheese if you flap your arms and quack like a duck!"
He flaps his arms and quacks like a duck.
I can't believe this guy.
He really will do anything for cheese.
"Open your mouth!"
Peter obliges, opening his mouth.
One piece of cheese.
Bullseye.
Peter swallows.
Two pieces of cheese.
Bullseye.
Peter swallows.
I wonder where James is and if he's dead now.
'Cause if he is, I want his broomstick.
Three pieces of cheese.
Bullseye.
Peter swallows.
James and Lily have been gone an awful long time.
I wonder -----smirk----- what they're up to.
Four pieces of cheese.
Bullseye.
Peter swallows.
This is getting boring.
Five pieces of cheese.
Hits Peter in the eye.
Peter squeaks.
Six pieces of cheese.
Somehow goes up Peter's nose.
Ew.
-----
I see a blur of red.
Hear a thud.
Feel the pain.
Lily is lying on top of me.
Our noses are grazing.
AAAAHHHHHHH!
Can't. Take. It. Anymore.
Brain. Officially. Over. Heating.
She scrambles off hastily, her face glowing.
I am not too pale, either.
Isn't it strange how our faces are the exact same shade of red?
"Er…well, I'll just be going now." I try to edge past Lily without success. She grabs my arm.
"Wait. You have to pay for the heinous crime you committed. You smudged my charms essay."
"That wasn't me, that was-"
Lily laughs. "Clever as you were, Potter, you left one damning piece of evidence at the scene of the crime." She thrusts a crumpled piece of paper in front of my nose.
"I smudged your essay because I am a stupid idiot and I think Sirius Black is hot," I read, "signed, James Potter?" My voice rose in disbelief.
I am going to kill Sirius.
"What do you have to say to that, Potter?"
Does she think I'm completely crazy? Why would I sign a note saying I did it even if I had done it? And why the hell would I think Sirius was hot?
"It's all there, plain as day. Your confession."
She pokes me in the chest with each word.
So it was more like, "It's -----poke----- all -----poke----- there -----poke----- plain -----poke----- as -----poke----- day. -----poke----- Your -----poke----- confession."
"I didn't smudge your essay! That was Sirius!"
The poking stops.
I sigh in relief.
"Oh yeah? Why would he sign it off with 'James Potter'?"
Well, duh.
He's Sirius.
But I have a feeling that with Lily, the fact that I'm James is enough.
"Um…because he wants to frame me."
"Because he wants to-"
Comprehension dawned.
"So that was him? I'm going to kill him!"
Phew. Saved by the dumbbell.
"You know what?" I say, "I'll join you. Because of him, I nearly had a cardiac arrest three times today."
Watch out, Sirius.
You're so dead.
And now you're never gonna get my broomstick.
-----
I hear the portrait hole opening.
Opening loudly and angrily.
See a blur of red and black.
Conclusion: Sirius Black is dead.
I put down my book.
This might be interesting.
-----
The cheese game is so old now.
Today was really boring.
I only chatted up thirteen girls, snogged four, and winked at thirty-seven.
All in all, pretty tame stuff.
There is nothing to do here.
Except die of boredom.
I wish something interesting would happen.
Uh-oh.
Here come Lily and James.
All I have to say is, be careful what you wish for, because it might just come true.
-----
Killing. Sirius. Black. Dead. Now.
Killing. Dead. Sirius.
"WHY THE HELL DID YOU MAKE A SMUDGE ON MY CHARMS ESSAY AND RUIN IT COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY AND MAKE ME THINK THAT IDIOT POTTER OVER HERE DID IT?"
"YEAH, WHAT- Hey, what d'you mean, 'Idiot Potter'?"
"I thought it would be perfectly clear, James darling."
"I'm 'darling' now?"
"You should recognize sarcasm when you see it, Jamesie darls."
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Sirius tiptoeing away. I do not want another wild-Marauder chase around the castle.
"SIRIUS BLACK!"
He freezes, then turns with an angelicly innocent look on his face that fools no-one.
"Explain. The. Unsightly. Smudge. On. My. Essay. NOW."
Sirius grins.
"Well, you see, Evans, it's called a joke."
He takes the essay and peels off…
…a fake smudge.
-----
"See, Lily?" I say triumphantly, "you were obsessing over nothing! It was a Zonko's fake smudge!"
Lily grits her teeth. "Not…a…word."
Just then, Remus goes really pale.
"What is it, Remus?" asks Lily concernedly.
Remus points to an essay lying on the table.
"There's a blotch on your transfiguration essay."
-----