"We see you've already gotten a name for yourself already," Selena said casually.
"What do you mean?" I asked as I slid into my seat at the lunch table they were sitting at.
"What do you mean, 'what do you mean'? The whole school is talking about you. Maybe five guys have come up to me and asked me for your room number," Arielle said stiffly.
"So far everyone knows you do drugs, smoke, will sleep with anyone. Basically you do anything. "You name it, and Kelsey will do it.", that's the rumour going around."
I groaned. How did people know about me already? I had just told Tammy two minutes ago. "Well it's not like I tried to bring my reputation with me…"
"Well you're not shy to talk about it, that's for sure. Have you told anyone you're a Christian yet?" Arielle stopped to look for an answer. "Didn't think so."
"Look, I- what's wrong with you guys? Just because I've had a bad history doesn't mean I'll do it again."
"Well, whos to say you wno't do it again?" Arielle asked. I ignored her.
"What about you, selena? You were a prostitute-"I said.
"I was not. That was not me. I am a Christian now. I do Christian things… and I don't go blabbing it around! What's wrong with you? It's great that you got know Jesus but now you're saved. You can't go talking about that stuff. I don't think we can hang out any more."
"What?" I practically screeched. "Just because I'm not as perfect as you want me to be, you're not hanging out with me! What happened to loving others and forgiveness?"
"Oh we love you, and forgive you. We just hope God does. We heard what happened at the hotel with Biko. How could you Kelsey?" Arielle said facing me. "None of this would have happened if it wasn't for you. If it wasn't for your manipulative, conniving and devious ways, Biko would still be-. He would still be pure, unlike you."
"Wow. Biko and I didn't do anything! Just because he chose me over you it doesn't mean-"
"Biko was meant for Arielle! He didn't choose you over her on purpose. It's all your fault," Selena yelled.
"Selena," I chocked. "I thought we were friends."
"Things change, sweetheart. Now Arielle, we mustn't expect her to understand what loosing ones purity means. She did it so long ago, its nothing new to her." She got up to leave and then turned around. "We will pray for you, Kelsey. Hopefully you will see what you have done and leave us and Biko alone."
I stayed sitting down alone, stunned. What had I done? How had they known about the hotel incident? Only Biko knew about it. Had he told them? Had he lied to them and told them I had made him loose his virginity or something? Had he told them that I had like forced myself on him, or gotten him too drunk to realise what he was doing? Why had he lied? No. Biko would not make something like that up. I was imagining things. I took a deep breath and looked around. A group of very hot guys were walking my way. I quickly stood up and gathered my stuff, ready to leave.
"Hey!" yelled one of the guys who looked like the leader. "Are you Kelsey Anderson?" I spun around.
"Maybe, maybe not."
He smiled. Gosh, that smile hit me right in the stomach and the butterflies entered as if on cue. "You're funny. Look, there's going to be a big dorm party at the Guys Dorm tonight. It's room 245. I wanted to invite you personally. I'm Alex. You down?"
My gut kicked in and I replied. "Well, actually I have a boyfriend."
"Oh, well he can come too, I guess."
"I don't think he'll be able to make it. He goes to South African College."
"He's South African?"
"Yeah. Aren't you?"
"Is he… black?" he asked.
"Yeah…"
Alex gave me a strange look and I heard a few of his friends whisper, "She's dating a neg-" my lungs tightened at hearing the dirty word they called him. "So you're free. Well, you know, I'll be there," Alex continued.
"Well, you know, I won't." I walked away.
I walked as quickly as I could into my dorm. There was Tammy, Corrine and some other girl. I went quickly into the bathroom before anyone could see my tears. Goodness, when had I become such a cry baby? Why was I crying? I was crying because it had been the worst first day of school ever. My boyfriend had betrayed me, my best friends hated me, I knew no one, all the guys in the school were conspiring to get me laid, Alex' friends had called Biko a- a , and then I burst into another fit of tears. At that moment I knew that I truly cared for Biko. It was more that just a crush, so much more. How I wished he could have been there to wipe away my tears one at a time until they were all gone and hold me until I was all better. My life followed me wherever I was! I would never be rid of it. No matter how much I cried, no matter how much I would ask for forgiveness…
I reached clumsily up to the medical cabinet. It was right where I had expected it to be. Gosh, I hadn't done this since I was a junior in high school, but the scars were still there, under my shirt, on my rib cage, right under my bra. I took the razor and quietly sliced twice, that's all it took. I breathed. I used up a whole roll of toilet paper to keep the blood from getting everywhere but I was fixed. I put some more toilet paper and taped it on so that if it started bleeding again, as I knew it would, it wouldn't stain my clothes. I was done. I dried my tears and opened the door to the world, ready to face them.
"You alright?" asked a blond haired girl.
"Yeah. I'm Kelsey."
"Hi, I'm Elise. I heard about-"
"Don't start, please. Don't start. Yes I did all those things, but that's not me now. I'm a Christian, I believe in Jesus, I believe in God, I go to church every Sunday and Friday, I-"
"Cool, me too." I starred at her. "And I wasn't asking you about the rumours."
"You weren't?" She was the first person I had met here, except Corrine but that didn't really count, that didn't ask me about it.
She smiled. "No, I'm a new Christian also. It can be hard, trust me, especially the first few months. I know Selena and Arielle from last year. You guys got in an argument?"
"You could say that."
"Yeah… They can be pretty judgemental and… they're not as perfect as they seem. Everyone has their faults right? It'll get better soon, even if you feel like you want to please God but don't exactly know what you're doing wrong, or you always mess up…" I nodded and I reached up to touch the burning scars on my rib cage. "Don't worry about it, or them. God knows your heart. Don't sweat it." She smiled. "Anyways, were having a Christian Fellowship tonight here, you can stay if your not doing anything else."
"Actually, there's this dorm party at the Guys Dorm I'm thinking about going to," I said. I don't know why I said it. I guess I was looking for a reaction from her, maybe the eyebrows rising, a gasp, something. But her expression didn't change. She didn't think I was a bad person. Maybe that's what got me mad. "Actually yeah, I'm busy tonight. I'm going to have a shower and get ready. Maybe next week I'll come."
"Okay! I'll see you in the morning. Do you think we can go out to breakfast or lunch or something? I'd like to get to know you more, swap tips on being a new Christian," Elise asked.
"I'd love to! See you in the morning." I headed back to the bathroom. I showered and picked out my party clothes. Why hadn't I thrown them out? If Biko saw me in this he would be so ashamed. Maybe that was a good thing. I did look sexy. I hadn't looked like this for a while and it felt so good. How could this be bad? It couldn't and it wasn't that was that. I slipped on my shoes near the door.
"Going to the wild dorm party?" asked Tammy as casually as was humanly possible for her.
"Yeah! I guess your going too..." I replied disappointed.
"I wouldn't miss it for the world! Well maybe for the world. I mean…" she continued talking and we left together with Elise looking after us and Corrine still on her bed listening to her music.