The music was audible from outside the building. We went inside and true to his word Alex was there; looking better than ever.

"Kelsey! Great, you made it!" he came over. Wow he smelt good. He took my coat and muttered under his breath. "You look great."

We walked over to the drinks table and Tammy left us, thankfully. He handed me a glass of something that looked like beer and I took it. I took a long sip, savouring the moment; I hadn't drunk since the second day I had come to Africa. For me that was a long time. Alex smiled at me.

"Want to dance?" he asked, circling me.

I kissed his cheek affectionately. So we danced. I hadn't remembered dancing with so much zest for a while. I must have been dancing for quite a while. Before I knew what had happened I collapsed on the floor. Alex caught me and brought me to his neighbour's dorm. It was dark and smoky.

"You've taken ecstasy before right?" he asked and handed me a yellow pill with a smiley face on it. I was too exhausted to reject it so I popped it in my mouth and followed it down with a glass of beer. In a few minutes the drug had made its way into my system and I felt it tingling through my veins, into my brain and through my whole body. I can't seem to remember all of what happened but I do remember dancing. Alex and I were one. The music flowed through my veins and then into his. After a while his mouth found mine a few more times then expected and soon we were all over each other.

I don't even know why I did it. I woke up the next morning in his bed. Alex was no where to be found. I swore. Why had I let this happen to me again? I always let myself get into these situations, with little or no effort. I screamed into the pillow but my face hit something. It took a while for my eyes to focus, but when they did I found that there was one red rose (without thorns thankfully or I would have woken up with a scarred face), a note that said "For you, for last night." and two hundred dollars!

Tears fell on the note, and then the anger came. He was treating me like some kind of prostitute! How could I have been so stupid? I tore every petal from that dirty rose, and ripped up the note into a million pieces but kept the two hundred dollars. I dressed and went straight to find Alex.

I found him right where I expected him to be; the student café. "Hey Alex," I said walking right up to him, the two hundred dollars crushed in my hand, yet being repelled like blood money. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" I asked calmly.

"Hey if I didn't give you enough I only have another hundred on hand…" he said quickly under his breath, hoping his friends wouldn't hear.

"I'm not here to make you pay more, on the contrary. Look Alex, I'm not a prostitute. I was only another girl who went to a high school party and took some drugs, accidentally. If it was up to me, and I was in my right mind, I would never have slept with you. So," I said trying to remain composed. "Take the money back. It was all some big mistake."

"So you would never have slept with me unless you were drugged? Am I that ugly?"

"No! You're- Even my boyfriend isn't as good looking as you, and if it was under different circumstances, I would go out with you for sure. I don't like being made to feel like a prostitute."

"But you sleep with guys all the time and never get anything out of it but a reputation. I figured I was doing more for you than any of the other guys ever had done for you... especially since, well I was a virgin."

I couldn't believe it. Not only had I slept with him but I had been the person who helped him lose the one thing that was meant for his wife. "Look…" I said not knowing how to continue. How was I supposed to explain to this guy that he should keep himself for his wife? He would never understand. "The rose was great… But like I said I don't take pay for sex. I'm not a prostitute and if it was under different circumstances nothing would make me happier than to be your girlfriend."

"What do you mean under different circumstances?" he asked. "I love you, I would never hurt you. I'm giving you flowers, money, sex, popularity, love. What else does a girl want? What else can I do to make you happy?"

Tears started to form but I firmly held them back. "You don't love me, we've only said like two sentences to each other." I thought for a moment. Why had I said that he was better then Biko? He wasn't even on the same level as him. Biko was a hundred times better boyfriend that Alex would ever be. "Actually, you know what? I lied. Even under different circumstances I wouldn't go out with you. You are very… attractive, but that's not everything. Flowers, money, sex, and popularity isn't everything. I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world, who loves me for me, not for my body, and he is a virgin. That is something special. I shouldn't have stolen it from you. In two seconds he can loose it, like you, but not in a million years can you gain it back again. I don't know what possessed me to help you loose yours.What I did last night, that went against my beliefs. I'm not going to be doing it again…" I took a breath then went back on track. "So please take back the money and don't talk to me again. This was all a big mistake." I walked away.

"Hey!" said Elise happily when I entered the dorm. When she saw my eyes she stopped. I headed for the bathroom again without a word. I heard her knocking on the door and trying to talk to me but I ignored her.

I had ended my relationship with Alex and his gang but I still hurt so much. My heart was broken. I had betrayed the only one who had loved me fully, purely. In a way I knew what last night would lead up to, it always led up to that. The weird thing was that I hadn't felt anything. I knew it wasn't the drugs. Had I done it so many times that I had nothing to give away anymore. I was like an empty shell of what used to be. But Biko had seen what I used to be, the good part of me. He had seen the beauty inside even when there was barely anything there.

I was sadfor Alex though. I had stolen the one thing of importance he had. I had done that. For his entire life, even on his wedding day he will remember the first time he lost his virginity, the night where we had slept together. He would be thinking of me instead of his wife. How could God forgive me? I reached up to the medical cabinet again. I sliced five times on my rib cagethis time. I deserved it. But I couldn't stop. Six, seven times, eight times… The cuts kept coming; the blood kept running. Crud! I tried desperately to yank off my top and pants to keep the blood off it. Finally I cut so deep it sprayed on the tiles. The blood leaked down my stomach dripping off my bellybutton ring, one drop at a time, down my legs, off my toes. i was covered in blood.I never knew it came in so many different shades of red. Sometimes it was so clear then it was almost purple. I couldn't keep it in any longer. I yelled, so loudly for so long Elise burst open the locked door. I looked up at her with tears streaming down my face. She ran out for the phone and dialled 911 and I lost consciousness.