The first face I saw when I awoke was Biko's but I quickly closed them. I didn't want him to see the mark of someone else in my eyes. When I finally opened them my mom and Elise were also in the hospital room. I looked down at my chest under the blankets. My whole torso and stomach was wrapped in bandages. Oh, no. I would have to explain this to everyone.
Why had I done it again? I couldn't remember. I know I had helped Alex loose his virginity and I thought that no one would forgive me, but was that a reason to cut myself up? It wasn't, and now I had to explain why I had been so irrational. They would never trust me again.
I took a deep breath but stopped because it hurt so much. "Hey, take it easy sweetheart," whispered Biko smiling. "How do you feel?"
"Like crap." He smiled but I had to explain. "I'm so sorry Biko! I didn't mean to do it! I mean, I went but I didn't expect it to go that far, really! It was the drugs. I know I shouldn't have taken those either. But I did and it led everywhere at once and-" I said as fast as I could without breaking the stitches.
"Whoa. It's fine. We'll talk about it later alright? Now, you've got to rest. You've lost a lot of blood," he said calmly but I could see the look of confusion on his face. After I had rested and my mother was sure that I was alive and breathing, Elise and she left so Biko and I to talk.
"I guess, it all started because… Selena and Arielle hated me so I was angry."
"What? Why do they hate you?" asked Biko incomprehensibly.
"Did you tell them about what I did in the hotel to you?" I asked in return.
"You didn't do anything to me. I told you already. I wouldn't have stopped, Kelsey. I only told Selena that the kiss went a little too far and it ended there. We didn't do anything."
"Why did you tell her?" I said with my voice raised.
"She's my friend. And I needed to talk to someone about it, that's it."
"Why couldn't you talk to me about it?"
"I just-" he started. "We've already talked about. There's nothing to discuss."
"So you have to go spreading rumours?"
"I wasn't spreading rumours! I was talking to her about how I felt."
"And how do you feel about it?" I asked accusingly. I didn't know why I was so angry at him, he hadn't done anything.
"I don't feel anything," he said defensively.
"You don't feel anything? What did you tell Selena?"
"Nothing!"
"Well it had to be something! She seems to think I've made you loose your purity or something. You don't feel anything about that?"
"Why are you cornering me?"
"Why are you hiding it from me?"
"Why have you been hiding the fact that you chop yourself up in your spare time!" he replied. "That's why we're here in this hospital room isn't it?"
I stopped. "It's the first time since junior high…"
"Why did you do it? And what does this have to do with a party and drugs?" His face was serious but also concerned.
I took another breath and blurted out as fast as I possibly could. "I went to a party, last night. I went with this guy named Alex and we danced. I- I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen… I took an ecstasy pill and I wasn't in control… How could I have been so stupid! I did it. I helped him loose his virginity, I cheated on you. I broke God's laws again… that's why I did it. I needed to hurt myself because… because I was punishing myself. I was so stupid, and now I've lost you…."
Biko's eyes were lowered. He swallowed then got up and turned around. "Did you- Did you enjoy it?" his question startled me. There was a huge gap between us, experience.
"I- No. I hated it. The worst part was that he paid me! I just feel so dirty. It was all a big mistake. I never meant to hurt you, or God. I always mess up and get too deep into things and I can't get out." When he didn't reply tears started to come. "Please. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I screwed up big time. I don't know what to do. I'm new at this. I don't know- I don't know how to stop doing all the old things I used to do without a second thought. I don't know how to resist temptation. I've only been Christian for a month."
"You shouldn't be tempted to do the things you used to do!" he said a little louder than he expected to. "I know… you're new. I'll call you tomorrow." With that, the love of my life left my hospital room not even giving me a second glance. I hated myself for ruining everything I had ever cherished. Would he call me tomorrow? I didn't know. I was just confused, so confused. Was I some psychotic freak that was too depressed to live with myself, or my actions? No! I was still me, Kelsey Anderson. But who was she? Was she the wild girl, or the Christian girl, the child of some sort of a savage party, of the child of God?
I was permitted to leave the hospital the next day, exactly a week before the first day of classes. Despite my pleas, mom signed me up for weekly sessions with a physiatrist at least for a few months. I guess I was thankful, maybe I did need it. The morning that I was let out I went out for breakfast with Elise at the best restaurant in town; Mc Donald's.